A Fternoon Tea Gossip

Free Lance, Volume IV, Issue 192, 5 March 1904, Page 10

A Fternoon Tea Gossip

By Little Miss Muffilt

I NOTICE "by the papers" that lots of country giocers have "just landed Christmas cheer," etc. According to the same advertisements they have been "just landing" the same cheer since November, 1903. It takes country storekeepers a long time to conquer the dissipation season. * * * Eltham sends its deceased citizens to Heaven as soon after death as possible. Mr. Heaven is the local giavedigger. » • * The Russians burnt Moscow in the dim long ago, in order that "Nap " should not take it. Wonder will they put a fire-stick into Port Arthur in order that Jap shall not get it ? * • * A man at Dannevirke was fined £5 for trout poaching. He could have worked ten sore-shouldered horses, banged a policeman, or been a vagabond "with no visible," etc., for the same money. # Fred Pirani is so glad that the Government set an example to the people to purchase everything in England. He notes that the locks on all the postoffice boxes throughout the colony aie made in America. * * * Fitzgerald's strong man, Gordon, was looked upon as a howling fraud by a barber at Napier. Barber told a customer so. Customer held up Gordon's end of the stick. Customer was Gordon. Barber was limp. * * * A prima donna was recently sold at "Christie's," in London, for about £b. And you didn't know that slavery was still in vogue in England? The songstress had been dead for a thousand years or so, and was of the mummified Egyptian, variety. * * * Mr. MeJton Prior, the great war artist, \\ho has just gone to Japan, has been in twenty-seven wars. He has gone to the East for the "Illustrated London News." Of couise, Melton idealises everything. You never saw a war picture that was a bit like the real thing. Noticed three perspiring boys in procession in Adelaide-road on Friday The urchin in the lead was puffins; vigorously. He was the motoi-cai, so I gathered. Next came the boy who hooted. He, again, I discovered, w.is the driver. And the last? Seriously, in reply to my query, he answered "Oh, I'm the swell!" * * # An interesting controversy is in progress in Australia. A correspondent of a paper wants to know why a girl always closes her eyes when a man kisses her. One cynic advances the theory that she feels herself in the presence of a superior being. I've heard that it is only the kiss of love that insists on the eye-closing effect. » * • Seems to me those great men, the editors of the country press, clip their matter sometimes without due thought For instance, a friendly "rag" notes that an Irishman, who recently died on the "ould sod," at the age of 115, had 80 children. It is evidence to me that colonial journalists have sublime faith in the assertions of their British brethren. If Dowie's son should come to Wellington, it is as well for girls to remember that, although he is thirty-four years of age, no girl has ever kissed him. He will not permit osculation. As his photograph has been pretty liberally circulated, I am able to assure him, on behalf of my fellow-girls, that he is absolutely safe. * » » Wellington people care little for money. In the money order office depositors or withdrawers leave bulky packages of notes about as if they were so much waste paper. Curious thing is that if they miss them when they return from mooning around they swear they handed them to the clerks. Fortunately, the clerks usually remove them into safety. While in the office a few days since, a lady removed an unconsidered trifle in the shape of notes from the floor, and handed them to the officer in charge. Someone would probably become wildly excited later, and declare he had been robbed.

I wondei where Rudyaid Kiphug geU Ins clotlies. His latest photogiap'i shows him in a suit that wuuld look at home in Petticoat Lane on a Sunday morning. No selt-respec mg New Zealand wOlw 01 king man would wear that suit. KcCLiitncity of genius J Fiom that highly lespectable and u-u-a'ty senous paper, the 'Glasgow Wei kly Herald" — "A curious stoi\ comes f lorn Sydney. It is alleged that a German wasn't allowed to land there because he did not undei stand Greek' He only understood English, Fiench, and Geiman." The otliei day the family solicitors weie advertising throughout Australia for a Melbourne cabby, named George Aldeison Nimmo, who has been left a, fortune of £108,000. He was known on the ranks as "Cast-Iron George." They have now discovered him m a St=tte asylum in New South Wales, no longer sport for the f leaks of Foitune. He is m the last of man's se\en stages — sans everything. * ¥■ * How odd it is that whenever a new Governor or anybody who is somebody arrives in Australia or New Zealand, poor relations spring up like mush100ms. An artist's model in Sydney claims to be first cous n to the new Governor-General. Lord Northcote may be pleased to know that his longlost coz. is a model man. We aie waiting now to see how many people m Wellington are going to claim Lord Plunket as a long-lost i elation. * * ♦ They'ie canny souls in the South. During our levered King's recent gallivant thereaway, he slept at the house of a settler. The quid wife, fearing for her best bed, fortified it w ith inch planks, and Dick's couch was hard Ordeied the removal of the boards next day, and, although the bunk sagged a couple of feet or so next night, the structure held. Of course, if the bed had broken down, King Dick would have seen that a sum w as placed on the Estimates, etc. * * * He gazed at his wife in hei bathing suit, And he said "I am leady to shaie For the very first time the sentiment, deal , That you haven't a thine to wear." * * * "Wanted" advercisement fioma downcountry paper of April Ist, 1900 _ — • "Young man, just fiom Home, with immense ability, immense ambition, immense versatility, immense tact in coirespondence, immense experience in book work, immense originality in advertising immense ability and experience in selling, desires to make a change, and to secure a position wherein to display the afore-mentioned immensities ; but he requires a proportionately immense remuneration for his services." This young man is now wielding a pick on the Wellington tramways contract It used to be the fashion with people abroad, and notably the 'Muirikans, to look upon New Zealand as a kind of back-street somewheie in Australia, and lump up the people of these colonies m one large order as "Austiahans." But, since King Dick started to advertise us it is Australia that has lost its separate identity, and "New Zealand" now stands for eveiything on this side of the world. * * * A case in point. Mr. E. B. Dew hurst, well-known in Sydney as a tennis-player and golfer, gave up his practice there as an architect to study dentistry in America, there being more dollars in building teeth than in planning houses. Over m the States he won the tennis championship of Pennsylvania, and the fact was notified in stentorian tones through a megaphone to an immense gathering at a sports meeting after this style — 'Mister E. B. Doo-hurst of Sydney, Noo Zeeland, has won the lawn tennis championship of Penn-syl-vania." Whereat the applause was so great that Mr "Doohurst" had to come out and bow. He also apologised for the absence of King Dick.

The Skating Rink accommodated Navy League emissary Wyatt and a large assortments of less important people on the evening of Monday last. The people went there to hear what the emissaiy had to say. When you have said that the Empire, one and indivisible, cannot remain so unle&s the Navy is not only able to lick creation, but to have a little to spare, and that without patriotism, men, and cash, it cannot be done, you have boiled down the pith of the speeches. Mr Wyatt, who has a light "culchawed voice a small moustache, and old-fashioned "lawyer" side-whiskers, doesii t oa 1 it "the Empire." He says "Empiah, and he is excessively restless, and awfully English. He hasn't the cool self-con-tinence of the average British publ c man for he jerks tumultuously, and his hands twitch into his pockets, twitch out again, feel his chin, his ear the top of his head, and sweep the table. He doesn't use his hands in declamation ; he jerks them in mannerism. » * * His Excellency the Governor lead a patriotic speech, in a voice that told even to the back of the large barn There is something particularly honest about His Excellency's written speeches He makes no bo.ies about those notes and fires them off in deliberate cadences. Many ex-soldiers with limbs and without, clanked spurs at the revel, and the platform was a dream of mess nackets, glittering orders, and recherche feminine adornment. Overhead there was enough bunting flapping m the breeze to furnish a whole squadron, and the artist who "diessed" the rafters had seen to it that the New Zealand Southern Cross and the British ensign were flanked by Uncle Sam's Stars and Stripes, and Johnny Jap's Rising bun. Outside, a Wellington zephyr made frantic efforts to get in, and kept things creaking. # # Mr Wyatts high-toned voice didn't earn' further than half-way down the hall, and therefore it fell to Dr. Fmdlay's lot to wake the audience up -But it was King Dick who warmed them into a glow. That big voice of his made the rafters and girders ring again. His first phrase about the uselessness or saying he would make a short speech raised a loud snort of laughter. Then, he talked about boys of "the bull-dog breed." told his hearers they must do something more than sing about being "sons of the sea," and pointed out that their contribution to the Navy was a bob a-piece, while their kindred at Homer— man, woman, and child — had to find 15s a head. Richard kept on his vigoious way, knocking large chips off his argument all the time, and winning salvos of applause. Then, he moved his motion approving of the T\arv Le^gue, and the audience received it with' a patriotic outburst * * * Mr. John Duthie also spoke, and at the end of the hall it was understood to be in the English language, but the creaking of the boards and the writhing iron on the roof left the point in much doubt. Sir Joseph Ward and the Hon. Charlie Mills (who threw out his chest in great style as acting Minister of Marine), exerted themselves to move votes of thanks to all and sundry. And. oh yes, Messrs. A. S. Ballance and E. J. Hill sung very nicely some patriotic son^s. which were liked much better than the speeches. They helped to launch the Navy League with due eclat. * ' * * They have an enterpiising gioup of young Wellmgtonians in the Strait who are going a-fishing. They have everything up to date, too, even unto a steam launch, and it is the intention of the said young fellows to dump their catches down daily at their business premises in Revans-street, and sell direct to the consumer. Mr. F. Gardner late of the Government Printing Office is manager of the concern, which is the Zealandia Fish Company.