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Free Lance, Volume IV, Issue 191, 27 February 1904, Page 12

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MR. Grattan Grey, formerly chief leporter of the New Zealand •'Hansard" staft, and now of Melbourne, writes us at some length on the subject of the introduction of the yellow agony to South Afnca. He recalls the fact that he wrote to Mr. Seddon in February 1900 —"I could not believe that the Bntish nation would allow itself to be deluded by a band of greedy and gra&ping capitalists into undertaking a war against a people whose right to self-government had been fully recognised , for I maintain that it is a war which has been fomented by capitalists, and it is lamentable to thmk that so much precious blood has been and will be, spilt and so much treasure expended at the instigation of these mongrel magnates for purposes of their own aggrandisement." * *• *■ Mr. Grey asks, in view of what is now happening 'in South Africa "Can the fiercest Jingo now deny the absolute truth of what I wrote four years ago? The 'poor Uitlanders' have not got the franchise yet, the conquered territories (Crown colonies now) are run by a gang of alien boodlers, whose puppet Milner is and they are threatened with an inundation of Pagan hordes in order that white labour may be squeezed out and these financial ruffians may the more speedily add to their ill-gotten gains by the employment of coloured peoole to work their mines. I endorse every word of the Lance's strenuous protest against the introduction of Chinese into the Transvaal, and sincerely hope that the Rand mine-owners will not be permitted to accomplish this additional iniquity." Birmingham's Joe doesn't get any incense from Mr. Grattan Grey on the subject of preferential trade. On the contrary, he says "After the part played by Mr. Chamberlain in the South African war, I am astonished that colonists can be found to fall so readily into the fresh trap which that gentleman has laid for them under the name of preferential trade. There is only one phase of it I would like to place before the farmers of New Zealand, and that has reference to the export trade. Under Mr. Chamberlain's scheme, Canada must, of course, be included under

the same conditions as other oftshoots of Great Britain. Canada is able to supply Great Britain with all the wheat she requires, and every part of Great Britain is within seven days' steam of the JJominion. Where, I ask, does the New Zealand farmer come in, with his wheat 14 000 miles away?" To which the obvious answer is he would be no worse ott than he is now. # * * Dear Lance.— Has it ever stiuck you what an impiession a popular actor makes on the mind of the average girl Do you know half the girls m Wellington are in love just now? But whether it is with the oiigmal Sherlock Holmes or his cleve \ good-looking young impersonator I cannot tell. I strongly suspect it to be the latter. I was veiy highly amused the other evening as 1 sat in the stalls on the occas.on of the performance of "The Christian. It was before the first act, and veiy close to me sat three young ladaes and from their canveisation it was plain that they had been strongly "impressed indeed Bv the way, I would not have listened for the world, Lance, only they conversed in such Hibernian whispers. s » One of them was evidently present for the first time during the season, for one of her two friends informed her that "she would fall in love right away with him " She sighed, and said she supposed she would not get any further though ' Another said she "dreamed of him" eveiy night and that he had "got on her brain all right." The orchestra struck up, and I did not hear much more, only snatches which sounded like this- "He hates women you know " and "I am going to watch his career, read the papers, and see where he goes, and how he fares. And, oh 1 do hope he will come back some day — another sigh, which sounded very genuine. I could not help thinking how strange some girls are. But there ' One can readily excuse a girl for falling in love with Sherlock Holmes. I might have myself, only I fell in love with someone else at twenty, and am in love still at twenty-one.— Yours, Patience. * * * Mis. Langtry and Signor Marconi v. ere dining at different tables in a restaurant nob long since. The actress saw the inventor tor the first time. "What a wonderful man he is, Mrs. Langtry said. "What he has ; done seems marvellous Only I can't say that my own experience with the wireless telegraph was a complete success. I had dined with a friend the night before I left London, and when we passed a a essel I telegraphed by the new method, 'The ocean does not part us. Ten days later I had the telegram back from my fnend with a request to explain what it meant. f lt read, 'The ocean has no pants on.' "

Our London namesake has actually been "taking off" King Dick. Its g\\ n "Impertinent Interviewer " came out to see him — so it says. Here is the sequel —"I found Mr. Seddon very busy. He was passing Acts of Parliament m his shirt sleeves when I first caught sight of him. I saw him pass three Acts as if he were passing the mustard. One raised the status> of the New Zealand woman, and made her the father of the family. Another gave old age pensions to everyone who could prove to the satisfaction of a magistrate that he was more than seven, and had a conscientious objection to work of any description. And the other gave adult suffrage to the Maoris. He then drafted a bill for establishing Canterbury mutton shops in every village and town where the King's writ ran. He then prorogued Parliament, knighted _ the Governor, and led me to h.s private residence." •* ♦ * A chip fiom the interview: Mr. Sedjjon tapped his waistcoat. "Mutton !' r he said. "No !" I ejaculated. "Fact!" he assured me He tapped his head, and seemed at a loss for a word. "Mutton," I suggested. He glared. I apologised. * *■ * We see that Mr D. R. CaldweU (head of the warehouse firm of Macky, Lo^an, and Co.) has been tellinp- the Auckland Chamber of Commerce that there is great difficulty in getting competent boys for commercial offices. The majority of boys they get write very badly, and eanot calculate worth a cent. The average boy leaves school now-a-days with the idea of becoming a doctor, a dentist, a lawyer, or a bank manager straight away. They haven't time to start at the foot of the ladder. +- * * ''Come in !" The local land agent wasn't doing anything, but when the man who knocked poked himself into the room, struggling with a portentous parcel, the bess was scribbling furiously. "Well, w hatcherwant ?" "I represent," said the immaculate youth with the parcel, struggling with the string, "the-er — Slap Bang Typewriter Company " He opened the parcel, and disclosed a machine that has long since lost its pristine success, and is now found only in obsolete typewriter academies. The land agent uses the Tick Tack machine, and he hoarsely whispered, "Take it away, it annoys me." "I assure you, sir, it is the very latest in typewriters." "Gerrout'" ' "Fact. If you can't spell a Moid, the Slap Bang makes a blot!" * * * Take notice that a new Scientific Banishment of Disease Association has started down South, and that the chief ' Diagnostician," who doesn't say he's a medical man, will take your esteemed guineas right now. The Lance merely tells you this because it feels in its bones that the said "diagnostician will work the South until the dollars t>eter out, after which Wellington will get the benefit of his esteemed presence. * * * The Government Labour Bureau panders to the luxury-loving domestic. Heard of a lady who desired help the other day seeking it at the Bureau. Was there any woik to do in the lady's house? Why, yes, of course, a little. Would the free and enlightened Sarah Jane be required to do anything so menial as to arise from her knees to answer the door? She would. The Bureau looked solemn, and didn't think it could help m any way. Would the emancipated possible Sarah be expected, in her bedroom travels, to stoop so low

as to raise the boss's cLscarded waistcoat from the floor, and hang it on a pep' ° She might have to curb her noble aspirations to that extent. And what would the apoheant give a person who might grovel to that extent? Twelve shillings a week. I'll send you whatever I can get at that price. The book was slammed, the would-be employer vanished, and is at this moment exclaiming "She cometh not !" * *• * People who have approached library scatterer Carnegie for librariesi have a grievance, voiced by the press nearest the seat of the trouble. The little man has the audacity to make conditions! He actually wants to know something about the town to which he is asked to donate a gift, and it is not fair. As the said press says, "All sorts of obstacles interpose between the gift and the giver." The only way to satisfy the people who haven't any right to crawl to Carnegie, and who humiliate a country that pretends it is independent, is for the Pittsburg millionaire to send out blank cheques to anybody that asks for them. The Lance believes, and has always believed, that Carnegie's wealth worries him, and he wants to get rid of some of it so as not to 'die disgraced." * * * Carnegie has little to do personally with the award of libraries. He has set out rules for the guidance of a large staff of begging-letter clerks, and the thing troubles him no more. Every library erected with Carnegie's money in this country is a black disgrace to an allegedly independent country. We, who pretend to hate monopolies, take moruey rung by monopoly from the people of the States. The Government should prohibit the abasement of the people to the Carnegie dollar god. » * * Heard in a Wellington butcher's shop : — "Come, John, be lively now; break the bones in Mr. Sampson's chops, and put Mr. Smith's ribs in your basket." ' Ail right, sir. just as soon as I've sawed off Miss Murphy's legs." * # * An aged, but smart, old gentleman, who has paid for two tombstones, and hopes the third lady who has the distinction of his name won't want one for a bit, is frequently exercised as to who's who and what's what in his abode. You see, there are so many batches of children. The latest Mrs. Olive Branch was a widow before Mr. O. B. married her. There are feuds sometimes, when his children and her children take sides against their children. Then, things in that neighbourhood are Port Arthurish. * * *■ Seriously said that a down-country farmer raised twenty-two tons of potatoes from one hundredweight of seed, which pans out at about two hundred tons an acre. We should leave a bit of an opening for the creation-licking Yanks. * * # It's a wise woman who knows her own husband's trouser leg. A comedy of one error was played on a Karori 'bus last week. Wife crowded into the body of the 'bus. Husband, more athletic climbed the giddy splash-board, and squeezed in alongside the driver. Wife wanted to know if George had remembered to <~et those soothing powders, and she leant out of the window, and hung on to a dimly visible trouser legr. The trouser-leg wriggled, but was mute. "George!" she distressfully remarked, and took another pull. " 'Ere, missus, I wish you'd let me leg alone I want it to work the brake with !" After which the driver's leg remained in his own possession.

He was a Wellington boie, and he had the boardiug-house naper to himself. It was flanked by the breaclboaid and its suppoits were the creamjug and sugar-bas.n. There is a newly-out Army man across the table and the boie coughs, and remarks, in a tone of thunder ' I see the war between Russia and Japan has commenced " The Major muimuis "Really ' "The Japs have sunk one Russian'vessel, and disabled others." 'You don t say so!" 'Yes I a&suie you " Then the bore tells the assembled folks that the Jans will knock spots off the Russians. Theie is a deadly silence. The boie pauses, waitm- for applause. * * * The boarders aie pausing, waiting until he's done with the sugar. A boaidei asks the bore if he has done with the milk but the bore doesn t heai him He tells them the Chinese aie mustering strongly m Manchuiia HerciiDO'i a boarder moves the milk and the paper flops listlessly on to the buttei. The boie glaies. Nobody minds, and he lepeats the newspaper extracts in the key of G "You fellows don't seem to take a bally bit of interest m the news!" wails the bore. We lead it all m last night's paper' they hasten to tell him Then, he has to go to his office. But. he will return to the fiay at luncheon. How long, on Lord, how long * * * The Czar's lament — Oh 1 this treacheious foe So deceitful and low He came in the night With nary a light, And disturbed our sweet nap. Did this barbarous Jap * * * Nobody knew that Mr. Blank, of the Southern suburb, contemplated moving. Mr. Blank and family had been awa\ to Rotorua for at least three weeks, getting health boiled into them When three large lorries drove up, and the cartels were let in by a young man who was a stranger in the neighbourhood, the neighbours' curtains were much agitated. Mr. Blank's furniture was removed without the supervision of Mi BlanK and family. A neighbour infoiined eveiyone whom it might concern (and whom does it not) that the lorries had taken the furniture to the railway station. It was evident that the Blanks were about to abide elsewhere. * * * Two days after the removal and storage of the Blank furniture, Mr. Blank and family drove up to the denuded mansion, descended, and said "'Oh 1 Straw htteied the dooistep. No furniture littered the interior. Mr. Blank rang up the police, but the furniture had not been taken into custody. He removed his family to an hotel, and went to the office. There he found a note from the railway authorities, asking him if he intended removing his chattels or forwarding them per rail. He tore down (at two miles and a-halt an hour) in the tram, and found his furniture. But, he hasn't found the practical joker yet. Also, he has a bill from the carter, and storage fees at the station Oh, if he could only find that youn<rman! His eldest daughter, who recently did not return the love of an enquiring youth, bites, her lip, and says nary a word. * * * That excited ''patriot," Count Dembsk-p who fired into a crowd at Warsaw, and killed some people, will proDaoiy be raised to higher rank. The relatives of the slain may possibly be sent to Siberia for allowing them to be in the line of fire of the august revolver. * * * Puling religionists with flabby muscles are going out. Also, the man who meekly holds both cheeks for the benefit of the smiter doesn't exist in large numbers. Winch brings us down to the remark that Missioner Moore, the sailors' man, chased a persen who was alleged to have molested a girl the other day. The mi&sioner "ran him in," which isn t parsonical, but is distinctly a good precedent. Mr. Moore, who, not long since, remarked that he was "well known to the police," will be getting a stripe or two if he isn't careful. ■» # * Let us break the news gently to Bang Dick. Is he aware that the Australian paners are busy circulating the news that his revenue in the last ten months had increased by £48,000? Somebody has dropped out a digit, and so at one fell swoop Dick's £480,000 shrinks into a paltry £48,000. * * * A boy who swims may say he's swum but milk is skimmed and seldom skum, and nails you trim, they are not trum. When words you speak, tho c c words are spoken ■ but a nose is tweaked and can't be twoken and what you seek is never soken. If we forget, then we ye forgotten, but things we wet are never wotten. and houses let cannot be lotten. The goods one sells aTe always sold , but fears dispelled are not disnold nor what you smell is never smoled. When young a top you oft saw spun, but did you see a grm e'er grun. or a potato neatly skun?

The most giotesque and absurd Press Association wire received m Wellington for years was the one stating that the Manawatu Veteians' Association would raise 120 men for service m New Zealand in the event of complications. Some of those youngsters m Palmeiston North have swelled head very badly. The idea of 125 men from Manawatu dodging round the coast on horseback keeping a Russian, fleet at bay is too absurd. Also, the Association ought to know better than print what one paner justly heads "high falutm' rot I If the Manawatu men are wanted (and it isn't likely), the Government will impiess them, together with 100,000 others. ♦ * * Motoring is not always all that fancy paints it— out in the backblocks at any rate. Mr. Gelhor, of Palmerston North set out some, time ago, quite fresh and gaily oh, for Rotorua, in his brand-new motor. He was last seen in the neighbourhood of Lake Taupo, with two draught-horses hauling the vehicle alon g- * A boy at Palmerston North, when asked in court if he understood the meaning of an oath, replied "Yes, it means you mustn't tell a lie." The solemn lawyer, shocked at the acceptance by Mr. Justice Cooper of his reading, asked him if he wouldn't question the' boy as to the future state. The judge wouldn't, seeing that half the adults knew little or nothing about it. Which reminds us of a lady in the Forty Mile Bush, who asked the usual question, "Do you understand the nature of an oath?" "Do I what?" she replied. 'Why. bless yer 'cart, me husband's a bullocky'"^ # r The Lance is glad it told the Government that it was sweating its employees, in the money order office. As a result of the assertions made, an inquiry and renort were called for. The sweating is now less pronounced, for extra hands have been employed to cope with the work of an office that is the busiest of the kind in the colony. * *• As proof of an old contention that the police often squeeze information out of unconvicted people which may go against them at a trial, Inspector Macdonald, of Napier, recently remarked that he found that people often told a different tale m court from the one they had previously told outside. It is quite freouent for a suspected person to tell a "fairy tale" to the police. Anyhow, the police are not judge and jury, and they don't swear a person. The police should be prohibited from extracting incriminating or other evidence in conversaton previous to a trial. The habit they have of doing so encourages perjury.