Entre Nous

Free Lance, Volume IV, Issue 190, 20 February 1904, Page 12

Entre Nous

A LARGE Auckland gentleman, well - known in Wellington as belonging to a firm ot papes mci chants, has been impersonated in New York. The Auckland firm act as agents for a well-known American line of paper. The New York gentleman who acts in a like capacity ni that city was rung up by a gentleman with a London accent not long since. The gentleman said he was Mr. B- , of the firm of B an( j s ,of Auckland. The NewYorker was delighted. Wouldn't Mr. B ■ come right along, and sample some old rye. Mr. B arrived. Said he had left New Zealand thiee years ago, and was a perfect teiroi among the Boers in Africa. He was a thriller. * * * Unfortunately, the alleged Mr. B , from Auckland, had been dissipating somewhat, and someone had "touched him" for four hundred dollars. He expected a remittance from New Zealand any minute, and if, in the meantime, the New Yorker could advance him fifteen dollars, to pay his fare to Philadelphia, he'd be glad. The New Yorker was so charmed with the Auckland Boer-slayei he could have lent him a hundred dollars. The distinguished one left for Philadelphia right then. Curiously another member of the paper profession was called on the same day bv a gentleman bearing a striking resemblance to "Mr. B , of Auckland,' but it couldn't have been he, for he admitted bashfully that he belonged to the old nobility of Scotland. Neither the pretended Mr. B— nor the distinguished aristocrat have been seen since. He is possibly doing fifteen-dol-lar touches elsewhere. * * * Mrs. Brown-Potter, the actress, has been captured by the Chamberlain fiscallers, to recite some stirring verses in public, to help Joe's cause. The said Chamberlaimtes know full well that when you have a British audience under the magnetic spell of a charming woman their souls are receptive, and they are ready to assimilate the rhyming arguments. Why not get Miss Alyce Holroyd to lecite re the necessity of Wellington having an increased water supply? There's a tip for David Nathan, who is understood to have watei on the brain. * *■ * It is Tommy Wilford's latest, and, therefore, must be true. An owner of gee-gees, w r hose name is familiar in oui mouths as household words, had come up to Wellington for the races. On Sunday morning he strolled along to St. Paul's, and it must have been the influence of the weather — surely not Mr. Sprott's sermon? — wh-ch put him to sleep. The rustling of the congregation as they shook themselves together when the preacher reached the goal-line woke him up with a start. As he opened his sleepy eyes, they fell upon the figures "124," which announced the number of the next bvmn. He started violently, turned to his next-door worshipper,' and, in a hoarse whisper audible half-way down the church, he remarked, "Just my blooming luck again. Number 3's scratched." * * * "Pat" Lundon, of Wanganui, whose motto is "Get out on the soil, young man," is the happy father of another youno- New Zealaiider. "Pat" thinks, of course, that, as she is a natne of this country, she will understand the language. This is how he chronicles the event in the Wanganui papers- — "Birth. — Nonanahi 1 whanau ai he tamaiti wahine ma Patrick Lundon me te hoa wahine." In our mind's eye we see "Pat" bribing a Maori warrior to teach him just that much Maori. * * * The air is resonant of war. Strolled into a local firm's business place lately. There were many girls employed. One was mumming "Good-bye, Dolly, I must leave you" another was worrying "Tommy Atkins" , and another, who would have been immediately massacred if she had been a man, was unconsciously marking-time and gurgling, " 'Tis the So — ul — jurs of the Queen, me boys," etc. A youth, who ought to have been adding: up the cash-book, was doing Sandow with the ledger, and the chief accountant was sharpening a pen-knife with a grim expression. The junior clerk, ivho suddenly noticed he was smoking a Russian cherry-wood pipe, dashed it into fragments on the safe. Then the boss, with his rubber heels, strolling into view, said "Tut ' tut ' Heher!" and the row subsided. "Oh it's Tommy, Tommy !"

There is evidently a story wrapped up m the following apology, which is published as an advertisement in the Auckland papers — "Auckland, Febiuary 9, 1904.— T0 Mrs Fred Duval, ALten-road, Auckland. — Apology. — I very much regret that, acting upon infoimation which I have since found to be absolutely false, I assaulted you at the Matinee Performance of Wirth's Circus on January 30th last. I admit I had no shadow of justification, and request you to accept this apologias f lankly as it is extended to you, and to publish it if you so de&ire at m> expense.—Sarah Jane Wirth, Bnghtonroad, Parnell.— Witness to signatuie J. R Lundon, Solicitor, High-sheet, Auckland." * * * So many people who had vaccination foiced upon them in Christchurch have lost time and money and situations tluough the consequent illness, that Southern papers are full of their wails. Some of the people w e know, who have been in bed, or wandering about with "blood in their eye," have snoited "Vaccination 9 Huh! Give me smallpox." One Wellington man, who went to bed in a high fever as a result, showed his awful hmb to the doctor uho punctured it. The doctor was oveijoyed. "Beautiful' Beautiful!' he exclaimed ecstatically , "that's the loveliest arm I've seen!" The man is crawling about at present, wishir>~ the smallpox had nipped his life-blossom.

It was the Lite Judge Butler who, on the conclusion of what was known as the Panhaka affair, personally conducted certain chiefs over Wellington, and demonstrated to them the uselessness of attempting to oust the white man from ]\e\\ Zealand. He even showed them the aitilleivmen on duty as door-openers at the Parliament Buildings. * * * An up-country editor asked his subscribers to help edit the paper a few issues since. Said he ''If you get married send in the particulars. If a baby arrives) at, your home, send it in." Thiee days after the paper came out, two babies were left in front of the editorial sanctum. Now he's had to start a creche. * ¥■ * Talk about pluck' Sydney "Newsletter" has tins —"A boy of fourteen, at Truro (South Australia), driving a three-horse roller the other day, was jerked off, and landed on hs back on the giound, with the heavy machine resting on one of his legs. Holding on to the reins, he undid the traces of the nearest horse, got the swmgle-tree loose, and with it levered the roller off his leg. Then he dragged himself to the nearest horse, unharnessed it, and, scrambling somehow on to its back, rode to the hospital where he was found to have several bones broken." Will Ogilvie knew something about, his subiect when he wrote "Hearts of Gold."

Mr. Justice Denniston sorrowfully observed, the other day, that he had seen the ordinary will sink from parchment to foolscap, and he was asked now to peruse a testamentary document typewritten on tissue paper. Which reminds us that the will of a few years ago was an art treasure, easily eclipsing a godd many alleged pictures in local art galleries. "This is the last will and testament" usually took an engrossing clerk a couple of days to do, while the ''whereas" part of the business was of extreme importance. It took pounce, a box of wafers, a gas jet, two or three different calibres in quill pens, sealingwax, and green ribbon to cope with the old style of will, and the engrossing clerk had to be an adept with the seals requisite and necessary to finish up the parchment. * * * The form of attestation at the end, signed, as now by two witnesses, usually frightened the said witnesses into a state of coma, and was worth at least fourpence to the clerk and a couple of guineas to the lawyer who copied it out of a 14th century manuscript. People used to think this green-ribbon-ed, red-sealed, highly-artistic parchment document was absolutely necessary, but since a duly-attested will, written on a scrap of a glove-box, was lodged for probate, which was granted, lots of people have supported a simplification cf the awful legal business.

Univeisal penny-paper postage seems to be in sight. The bulkiest of New Zealand's weekly newspapers, from next month, will travel Home for a humble penny. Which, of couise, means that much more colonial news will be disseminated in the Old Country. Some of these days people in the Old Country, educated by the colonial press, will discover our whereabouts, and the great needs of the countiy — more population and more tourists — be achieved, thanks to the representations of Sir Joseph Ward, who has been instrumental in establishing this reform. * ♦ •* We are always having drilled into us the advantages of technical education and object lessons. Seems to us the army of inspectors of every sort and kind in New Zealand should be gathered together, and taught something. One noxious-weed inspector, who thought it was "up to him" to do something for his money, recently strolled on to a farm in Taranaki, looked over the fence, and said '"Hi ' Look 'ere, Mr. So and So, if them blackberries amt grubbed out by to-morrow, up you goes." "Why. you infernal idiot. they " "None o' your lip, you grub 'em out '" The owner didn't "grub 'em out." He simply let those raspberries stay. Also, when he came before the court, he brought samples of the "blackberries" for examination. "Are these the 'blackberries' you saw, Mr. Inspector?" asked he. "Yes, them's just like 'em, anyhow." The roar that cut him short could be heard in the next county. If he goes on that way the Government is bound to recognise his genius by making him Under-Secretary of the "Noxious Seeds Advances to Settlers Department." r ■/■ * Columbus said the world was round, And most of us declare That since his time we've often found It anything but square. * * * There is an able-bodied young man of about nineteen years of age in Wellington who is looking for a job. He doesn't ask contractors or business men. He goes out to the suburbs, where the average house is one of four or five rooms, and where he is sure the man part of the household is away at work He knows that women whose husbands earn a mere living wage will have nothing for a man to do, so he says "Can you give me a job? I've got eleven shillings, and have obtained a billet at Christcnurch. I want to make up my fare." He is willing to take the humble shilling, even though there is no work to do, and he doesn't want lunch or dinner or anything to eat. His mother has died, and he's a particularly hearty youth, who ought to have a chance of whining before the magistrate * * * Heard on a tram-car. "Seems to me this is the only peaceful spot on earth. Everybody else scrapping or getting burnt out, or earthquaked, or something!" Then the speaker pondered. "My word, but he's a wonderful man. Wouldn't he have made a rattling general?" "Who?" "Dick Seddon'" You can't make the average New Zealander believe that the Premier isn't responsible for the peace we enjoy, the bountiful harvests, life, health, strength, and cash.

Concerning tanks — not the human variety. Interesting to know why landlords differ as to the necessities or suburban sufferers who live in jerry-built cottages. One landlord believes that a four-hundied gallon tank is sufficient to keep the occupants of a five-roomed house w ell w atered during any kind of a drought. The landlord who has built a similar house on the next allotment gives the same kind of a house two fourhundred gallon tanks. This means, of course, that the first man's meanness gn es him the advantage of the use of the second man during diy weather, for he makes it necessary for h:s tenant to borrow. A third landloid believes that a similar house should have two six-hundred gallon tanks, which tanks when full w eigh nearly five tons, and are supported generally on the flimsiest frame of rotten 4by 2 timber. In numerous cases these scantlings are nailed together in short lengths, an extremely dangerous idea, the wash-houses or coalhouses being underneath. Talking about water conservation, it isn't likely that the Corporation will trouble thenheads about an increased water supply for Wellington now that the reservons aie fuil. The question will loom up when the next drought happens. ■r *• * Solemnly asserted by a ''valued contemporary" that the bell-topoer of respectability is slowly tottering to its doom. It has been staggering along to its last sarcophagus for something like a century and a-half, and it wouldn't win a race from George Smith. The idiotic head-gear marks the line between the "working man" and the "nob" in a country that has no caste prejudices. That average New Zealand men do not wear the polished nail kegs as to the manner born is evidenced by the frequent absurdity of being sur-

mounted with the brilliant horror and having a silly little sac coat underneath it. * * * Colonists who have at some time 01 other worn hats that haven't been hurt when used for kettle holders don't, as a rule, adorn the "badge of respectability." While we are on the bell-topper question, we would like to remark that, for corns, warts, bunions, in-growmg toe nails, and enlarged joints, the present ladies' shoes, with the four-^nch heels, which assist in giving the female form divine that cant called "the Grecian bend," are excellent. The Health Department doesn't issue charts pointing out the dangers of fashion. It is too busy chasing pimples and shovelling half-crowns into the pockets of vaccinating medicos. The new series ojf the Australasian "Review of Reviews" has started 1 promisingly under the editorial direction of Mr. H. Stead, second son of the irrepressible "W. T." The latter explains the reasons of Dr. Fitchett's withdrawal, and announces that in the February number of the popular serial he will set forth "the principles which have ever seemed to me to be the only basis upon which the Empne can nourish." There is an addition of sixteen pages to the size of the magazine, and such features as the "Diary of the Month," the "Topic of the Month," and the "Leading Contents of the Magazines" have been restored. Special concessions are offered to yearly subscribers. *■ * * We have received the first number of a new weekly penny paper published in Dunedm, and. called "The People." It undertakes "to promote the well-being of the greatest number," and contains five crown pages of substantial reading matter.