Afternoon Tea Gossip

Free Lance, Volume IV, Issue 190, 20 February 1904, Page 10

Afternoon Tea Gossip

By Little Miss Muffitt.

THE gentleman whose finger was torn out as the result of his ring catching on a steel button of a Corpoiation 'bus last week was cool. The finger, with the ring on it, fell on the footboard of the 'bus. The man „rho had lost it picked it up, freed the ring put it in his waistcoat pocket, threw the detached finger over the fence, and strolled away to see about a doctor. Sang froid if you like' The gruesome sequel is that several hours later a small Newtown mpper was found playing with that self-same finger. * * * A Sydney doctor recently prescribed for an overworked factory girl "sixpennyworth of fresh air on the front of I tram every day." She was cured of her trouble in a month. Also, she married the driver. * * * The drought is having an effect on the great ones of Balclutha. One councillor there remarked recently that a rival councillor "sat with his fingers in his mouth hke a sucking dove. Mammal doves with fingers are sucli a decided novelty that I should like one for my private menagerie. * * * A propos of the latest addition to the list of the noble army of Jay Pees, I hear that one, who is a publican, has a wife who takes the honour seriously. "Where's the boss?" asked a customer of that lady on coming into the bar. "His Worship is in the back yard, feeding the pigs!" cuttingly answered the awesome magistrate's lady. * * * The oldest man in the world, aocording to a religious paper, lives, of course, in America, and is 158 years of age. He owes his longevity to bean soup and prayer —according to the religious paper. He doesn't smoke or drink, and he has certificates verifying his age. He has never been vaccinated, and has never heard of King Dick. If he lived in. New Zealand he would get an old age pension. * ♦ * Andrew Carnegie says he won't give any more libraries away for a couple of years. His resources are drained to such an extent with his benefices that he has very few millions indeed to go on with. If Carnegie believed in the selfdependence that made him a millionaire he would absolutely give up the library presentation craze. It fosters sycophancy and begging. Witness the result in New Zealand for instance, starting with Dunedin. * * * A pathetic little paragraph has been mournfully meandering through the backblocks press for many months, stating that the Government are going to push on with road-making during the summer months. At time of writing the said Government is keeping the matter steadily in view. The merp fact that a back-country road has been made passable, or a few settlers' lives made decent, looks bad in a cable, while the fact that £15,000 has been sent Home for a Victoria memorial is worth reading, you bet! Also, what is summer, and when? * # * Parsons are very keen on new sermon titles now-a-days. A parson with a talent for titles —which are duly published in the Saturday issue of the local paper —scoops the congregations. "The moaning memento of a secret sorrow" is a late instance of the craze. But the Rev. R. B. Rothwell, of Gisborne, takes the shortbread. He called his last Sunday sermon. "A Second Look at the Leading Larrikin, and the Wages he got at the Bacon Factory." Evidently an allusion to the much-abused Prodigal Son. * * * One doesn't look for humour in patent medicine advertisements, as a rule. Although the fact that lots of people assert they have "taken twelve large bottles of your medicine," and still survive, is funny. However, here is a quaint beginning of a medicine advertisement . —"Reduced to a shadow. Could hardly walk. Doctors said slow recovery. Disappointed doctors and myself by getting well quickly." The only reason for the patient's disappointment that I can conceive is that he may have been drawing rather heavy sick pay from his lodge while ill, and had to work for his money as soon as that unfortunate patent medicine fixed him up again.

Misleading local in a country paper "It is probable that an egg-laying competition will be instituted by the Poultry Association at a suitable date, several members of that body having decided to take part." Thiee sentences in one New Zealand court dm ing the same morning — Woman, drunk, two months, man, found sleeping in a stable, three months , man heard using bad languapo six months. In each of the cases the gifted Bench said it desired to be lenient. * * * A Wellington man, who has been "upcountry fishing, called on a lawyer in Featherston-street on Wednesday to take an oath. The lawyei duly swore him. He now has a duly-signed and witnessed document sincerely declaring in accordance with an Act of the General Assembly of New Zealand, intituled "The Justices of the Peace Act, 1882," that a trout he caught during his recent fishing excursion weiehed 231b B^oz. He has had the declaration framed. * * * Sordid tale of the wash-tub. Washerlady was engaged by one of our veiy up-per-crust local families. She started earning her os at 7.30, and was at it at 12.30, when another woman came from somew here or other and commenced to pound clothes alongside. "This is the led 'ottest 'ouse I ever worked in," said the first comer. "The old woman is the meanest," etc., etc. "I bin 'ere from 'arf-past seven, and she never arst me if I 'ad a mouth ' And the lady of the house, who was pounding clothes alongside, made no sign. * * * A Wellington Chinaman is selling peaches with monograms, texts, and that sort of thing grown mto them. I bought some the other day with ' For a good boy," "With love to mother," "Long Live Dick," and "R. J. S." really and truly a part of the fruit. While the little peach is struggling to overcome its youthful greenness you cut your sentiment out m paper and paste it on the fruit. When the peach blushes naturally the sentiment will be found beautifully done in the original gieen. * * * Practical religion. A house next to a Wesleyan church up Auckland way caught fire. The parson didn't pray for the poor suffeiers. He emptied himself out of his surplice, yelled "Come on, chaps'" and waded into the fray. A perspiring parson, with a pile of furniture on him, blackened with smoke, is a more invigorating sight than the average clergyman who wants to nomt out the inconsistencies of every other brand of religion but his own. It was an enjoyable "service" for the congregation. And the parson's name was Ready. So he was. * # » It is customary for patent-medicine people, who receive testimonials from people, to write to them to know jf the cure is complete. One lady I heard of had a troubled husband, who took Bloober's Bulbs for Backache. Nature came to his relief, and he, of course, sent a testimonial to Bloober. Bloober wrote later, asking for further particulars. The wife replied "It is four years since my husband was cuied of backache by your celebrated Bulbs. He has had no recurrence of the trouble. You will find his grave in the Anglican Church section of the cemetery. You are at liberty to use this testimonial." * * * I think it was Miss Balgarnie who said the working men of New Zealand were invariably gentlemen. I saw a man standing alongside the brake of a Corporation car the other day. The horses were changing ends, and the guard hadn't released the brake. Without a warning to anybody, "By your leave," or "Look out!" the guard let the brake go, and the heavy iron handle hit the passenger a blow in the ribs. The guard didn't apologise, and, although the damaged person was irritated into using high words, the guard seemed to think he was a sadly-aggrieved person. There were threats of "jaw punching." Some of these days the Corporation will employ some of Miss Balgarnie's "gentlemen" working men.

The Hon. William Hall- Jones, Minister or Public Works asd Marine, ought to be a proud man. We hope his head isn't feeling too big for his shoulders. Atter all the praise lavished upon him by his colleagues while toasting his health in. that delightful retreat— Bellevue Gardens— on Saturday afternoon, and the panegyrics of the presseven the Wellington "Post" rising up to call him blessed— he would be more than human if he didn't feel his hat omening him just a trifle. But there is no cause to feel alarmed lest this mcense should upset his balance. He is getting used to it. Is it not some years now since he was hailed as Patron Saint of Taranaki? The "Times," however, is decidedly rough on Mr. HallJones in saying that, at the outset of his Ministerial career, "he was a source of weakness to the Government for, as a debater, he was singularly ineffective in debate." Quite the contrary. He was making his mark in Parliament, and he was taken into the Ministry on that account. Everyone admits now he is a hard-working Minister and everyone will be glad if his all too-brief holiday abroad sends him back like a giant refreshed. * * * The people of Day's Bay, Rona Bay, and Muritai, just across the harbour, are fortunate in having a real live Ratepayers' Association with such active hustling members as Solicitor F. G. Bolton and Accountant Harry A. Wright to keep the old ark a-moverin'. It is astonishing how much they have done with slender means. The annual report presented at Saturday's meeting shows that they have been worrying the County Council about public improvements out of rates, waking up the Minister of Public Health about building by-laws, and bawling into Minister Tarn Duncans drowsy ear about a forest reserve of 551 acres that they want. * * * They kept pegging away at the Hon. Jimm" Carroll until, in sheer desperation, he got the Sand Drift Act through Parliament. They have also been on the war-path after wandering stock,

have planted sixty-live trees alonff the main road, been hammering away at the Harbour Board for an additional wharf, and want the Ferry Company to improve the service and run more trips. Rome wasn't built in a day, but things are humming across the harbour. No wonder F. G. Bolton, Harry A. Wright, and the rest of them were all re-elected unanimously. * # # Dr. Martin had some nice things to say about just-returned brother medico Dr. Cahill, on Tuesday night. Might have sounded a bit surgical when he advised the "jaynial" Irishman, at the welcome home, at the Druids' Hall, to grapple his friends to himself "with hooks of steel." Perhaps, Dr. Cahill was already aware what a good fellow he is. If not, he heard it clearly demonstrated. King Dick was there ; so was Dr. CahiU's fellow-Hibernian, Sir Joseph Ward. * * * An Irishman must have his little ioke, consequently Dr. Cahill explained to the banquetters that he had told the American people that New Zealand was progressing, even though it was under the rule of King Dick. Whereat several people blew their noses, and King Dick heaved tumultuously. Also a string band somewhere handy struck up "The Wearing of the Green," which the Irishmen at once suppressed, that Mr. Seddon might warble hjs favourite hymn. The irrepressible John Holmes, with his very best royal redeption air, relieved the feelings of the Parliamentarians present by assuring them that they were ud to the old form. The relief expressed on the faces of King Dick and Sir Joseph Ward was absolutely touching. # * # Everybody seemed to be glad that Ireland was emerging from its disthressful state, but when Dr. Cahill, after eulogising the "ould sod," said that no country was more beautiful than New Zealand, the applause was like a bom- , bardment. Kine Dick was naturally t eclad that New Zealand had come to u > Ireland's rescue, since that country had j^jft

copied our land laws. He didn't exactly say it that way but he looked it, and Dick can look even more eloquently than he can talk. * * * Messrs. Harcourt and Co., auctioneers and estate agents, will sell by auction, on Wednesday, 24th February, all the remaining unsold building sections of the Island Bay subdivision. The advantages to purchasers are very fully set out by advertisement appearing elsewhere.