Entre Nous

Free Lance, Volume IV, Issue 186, 23 January 1904, Page 12

Entre Nous

" "LordshiD is from the North Y of Ireland?" "I am, indeed !" ■*- replied the Governor. "Well, I'm a Belfast man myself!" "Is that so? Well I'm pleased to meet Belfast men !" The word wont round like a password, and the result was that during his tour of the far South Lord Ranfurly met more Belfast men than he ever imagined were outside of Ireland. But, there, was. no mistaking the brogue, though some Scotchmen thought they had the genuine Belfast twang. To the disgust of the Scots, the Governor told the Irishmen the other day, when an extra large body of Belf asters waited upon him,, that he believed the, Belfast shipyards were going to outrival those of the Clyde! * » • "Who is the stranger in. the top hat, umpiring on No. 2 wicket ?" was a fre-quently-put query on the Basan Reserve on Saturday afternoon. The generallygiven vague answer was . "Oh, his name is Moore and he used to play in, the Otago 'reps.' away back in the longago'" Could they have heard the questions and answers, Dunedinites would have thought "what ignoramuses these Wellingtonians must be," for Mr. W. J. Moore has bcea a force in Otago cricket for many years, first as a player, and then as a sympathetic critic. He has also played his part in otLer public matters, having quite recently been president of the Dunedin Athenaeum, which is the equivalent of our Public Library. He is the head of the Kensington School, the toam from which last season won the banner in the Public Schools Association football contests. The team was coached by the man in the top hat. Some of those Government "vets" have tall times. That horse doctor for instance, who travelled all one night in order to save the life of a "valuable animal" about which the owner was anxious. He arrived, and gravely examined the quadruped. He said he knew what was the matter with the beast. It the farmer would get" a pencil, he would dictate a prescription- "Take two ounces of fairly heavy shot, half-a-tea-cup-ful of diamond-Tain powder, and a gun. Any old gaspioe will do and then the anger of the farmer got the better of him. He thought the Government ought to jolly well know better than to bally well send a dinged ' vet round who didn't know his business. As the "vet" left the farmer's yard, the "valued" animal gave two "roots' and a kick, and "passed over." The m-e-scription was saved.

Alleged by irresponsible persons that the Mew Zealand War Office still owes money for "work and labour done" m South Africa. It is possibly a base falsehood, or words to that effect. However, a smiling ex-soldier goes round tellin-r a tale. According to his tale, the Department overpaid him £50, much to has surprise. He waited anxiously. Later he received a note stating that if he didn't return the sum of 12s 6d overpaid to him there would be trouble. Of course, he was honest enough to re-pay the 12s bd. He says he thinks the office had a lot of money to spend, and it really didn't matter to them to whom they paid it. Of course, it cannot be true nar can 'Jxe other sto-ry that a WelLngton postman is still oweid thp sum of £60 odd for soldiering sea-vice. » -f * Professor Baldwin Spencer is renorted to have read a most interesting paper about Australian aboriginal fire ceiremonies at the Science Congress lately. Besides the fire ceremonies, the hairy aboriginal of Australia still has many quaint devices for killing off the race. For instance Jacky is kind to his> old people. When they can't travel, Jacky bangs his esteemed father or mother on the head with a tomahawk, and says good-bye. One of the most interesting ceremonies is that one in which Murray, Westrahar., and Queensland tribes admit young male blackfellows to manhood. They burn him on the chest with red-hot coals, to see if he can stand a joke. He doesn't mind' this as a rule * * * Then, the old-man blackfellow. accompanied by the united voices of the gins, holds the young man's head between his knees and, with a wooden chisel and hammer, knocks two front teeth out. A youth without front teeth is eligible for matrimony. They have feuds, and an enemy is pursued with relentless persistence." A favourite method of vendetta is to introduce slow vegetable poason into the menu of an enemy, and to nurse him through his last cickness. The conquering hero claims the body of the defunct, and takes his kidney fat, which he wears ever afterwards in his hair as a charm against bunyips and other fabled monsters of blackfellow belief. It isn't always the civilising white man who wipes out an aboriginal race. * * * "Draw an equilateral triangle of 1£ m side, and on its sides construct respectively a rectangel with altitude fin, a hexagon, and a rhombus with an angle of 60 deg." This is one of the problems that had to be solved by twelve-year-olds at the national scholarship 'examination. It would be easier to draw the first nrize in one of Tattersail's big sweeps. If you will tell us what practical use the twelve-year-old boy is going to make of the solved problem, or how the average youth is going to butter bread with such knowledge, we will admit that the question is a reasonable one. The boy who can answer such questions may become a carpenter at £3 a week, or a schoolteacher at £70 a year.

The speedy Manuka, the Union S.S. Company's latest addition to its fleet, reached Port Nicholson for the first time last Saturday, and made a run which should result in, the loss of the historic and conspicuous greyhound from, the masthead of the Rotomahana. On the run of the new greyhound from Dunedin, to Lyttelton, an amusing incident took place. The dining saloon was not capacious enough to accommodate all the dinors at one sitting, and it was noticeable that the majority of those at the second sitting were ladies. On the conclusion of the meal, the followng protest, signed by "Bertha," was found pinned up in the saloon compan-ion-way — " The age of chivalry is past Upon the Union Line ! The men sit down to dinner first, And then the ladies dine ! " But, there was a champion ready to take up the challenge, for, within a few minutes the following reply, from "Archie," was found keeping "Bert-has" effusion company : — " 'Tis not that chivalry's at fault Upon this Union boat ; 'Tis that the sexes equal are Since women got the vote ! " * * * Printed that wheat was cut, thrashed, milled moulded, and baked into loaves recently in thirty minutes. Yarn of course accepted as gospel fact throughout New Zealand. Nobody has taken the trouble to ascertain yet where the record bakers got their wonderful yeast from. * ¥■ * Now that little Jappy is thinking about death grips with the Russian bear, it) is interesting to clear away some of the misconceptions that exist as to the habits of the little brown men. Commonly supposed that the Jap children are taught in the schools to write with cither hand. It isn't true. Ib has never been true. Also, that in Japan, bein'- subject to earthquakes, the houses are built on rollers to minimise danger. This also is a common-ly-accepted taradiddle. It may interest Japanese students to know that Jar>ov walks with both feet, wears clothes, and drinks "saki" at 6d a drink. Also, that aristocratic Jans do not have the sinews at the corner of their oblique eyes cut to straighten their orbs. It is further reported that the chrysanthe-mum-landers usually have eight fingers and two thumbs, and ten toes a-piece, and do not stand on their heads when royalty goes by. * * * Of course it is the fashion to laugh at the War Office, and the latest laugh goes round about a recruit of fine physique, who had n,o front teeth, and who was rejected. Alleged, for purposes of the laugh, that the regulation (a relic of ancient days) necessitated by the use of muzzle-loaders, still exists. As a matter of fact it doesn't. No "Tommy" is dismissed from the service or refused on the ground of his teeth. If his teeth are bad, however, he isn't accepted, merely because the "hard tack" biscuits issued to him on service couldn't be chewed by him. If a man cannot eat, he cannot fight. Tommies whose teeth are worn off in the service of their bleeding country are supplied with Government molars. Hundreds! of soldiers are invalided for dental repair every year.

Two Wellington men recently decided to unbuckle the white man's business burden for a 'short time, and revel in the perfect freedom of the country. To this end they purchased the articles requisite and necessary to ensnare the wily trout. In a near-by river the Poneke anglers cast the gossamer fly, and waited in vain for the 48|lb trout to hook on. With much ingenuity they had chosen that part of the river that ran past the house of a mutual friend. The sweet girl of the family wandered down to the bank, told them that no trout had ever been known to leave that particular spot, and offered to lend the friends her trap to drive a few miles up the river. Grateful acceptance of the offer naturally.

Now. both of the friencL could drive a pea better than a horse, and knew a lot more about ledgers than harness. They managed to get to the indicated spot, however, and duly angled. The shades of night were beginning to fall, and our friends decided to trek to the starting point. To their disappointment, they found that the pony's "winkers" were missing. They knew nothing of flax bridles, with a bit of fencingwire for a bit, so they sat down, and reckoned they were cut! off from home and mother indefinitely. A Maori gentleman strolled nonchalantly into view. "You lost a winker?" he asked. Eagerly the two assented. "I got a winker I sell you one pound. You buy urn, eh?"

Here was a way out of the trouble. They bought the winkers. When they returned the trap, they both apologised profusely. They had lost the hea'dstaD. They hoped that the one they had been able to buy would serve until they oould get a new one they told the lady who owned the trap. The lady didn't quite understand, she said. The bridle on the pony was her own bridle. Then they went behind a clump of flax, and kicked each other. Guileless Maori !

Invigorating advertisement from one of our country papers • "A great slauerhter of Human animals, such as fleas, flies, lice on plants, on fowls, on horses, etc." "Human" fleas and flies is good.

An operatic singer, who is "resting" in Wellington, recalls the time when an Italian Opera Company visited Australia. They played "La Tosca," at Sale (Gippsland), and many Italians, engaged in shingle-splitting, were in the audience. During the singing of Ternina, the Italians roused the anger of the audience hy hreaking into loud laughter. When one of the ushers went to the men to remonstrate, they told him they were laughing because Ternina was taking advantage of the audience's ignorance of Italian to inform Mario of an accident. Instead of the love words called for by the libretto, she was singing in the most impassioned way : "Don't turn round, your trousers are torn ! Don't turn round, your trousers are torn !"

A "valued subscriber" writes to his country paper: — "Would you please go to the Court-house, and register mv two dogs? I haven't any money, but if you pay the 10s, it will make £3 I owe you ; and you can stop my paper, and I'll pay you when I can."

They had an exciting time at a home for the mentally afflicted a few weeks ago, gossips South Australian "Quiz." A baker chained his cart wheel, and, with a basket of loaves on his aim and a jaunty step, made down the drive. He was startled, however, to see an inmate making straight for him. He turned and fled. He fumbled with the chain, but failed to undo it before the lunatic was upon him so, dodging round the cart, he did a "Sheffield" down the drive, with the enemy in full cry behind him. Finally his basket got mixed up with his legs, the loaves flew right and left, and Mr. Dough-Puncher was left sprawling on the gravel. The lunatic darted upon him, tapped the man of bread on the shoulder and, with a grin, said, "Last touch, you're it!" Then, the baker gathered ur> his bread and basket and made slowly back to his cart, a wiser and a sadder man. * * * That lawyer probably know s how many beans make five, and he is also aware that two and two make four. He didn't say so in the case heard m a nearby Magistrate's Court last Thursday week. What he remarked was — "li, by that particular arithmetical rule known as addition, we desired to arrive at the sum of two integers added to two integers, we should find — and I assert this boldly, sir, and without the fear of successful contradiction — we, I repeat, should find by the particular arithmetical formula before mentioned — and, sir, I hold myself perfectly responsible for the assertion I am about to make — that the sum of the two civen integers added to the other two integers would be four !" * * * Patrons of the Opera House don't leave the theatre in the intervals after t«n o'clock — now. You see the advertisement "drop" is so interesting 1 . Maybe, signr-writers are using a new brand of dictionary. A few samples of the spelling that we can't feel grateful for. We find that the old-fashioned style of spelling "mutual" is incorrect. It should be "mutial," says the drop. Then, it tells you "we can 'entetam." etc, and invites you to ring up the "Telphone." "Label" has gone out in favour of "lable " and nobody issues a challenge now-a-days. They prefer "challanpes." "Specialy" is the drop's way of spelling a common word. A fairly complete but merely Websterian dictionary can be bought for a shilling or two. • « * A Wellington clergyman tells a tale illustrating the troubles of a divinity student. One young man, who is "swatting" for the ministry, recently took a shorthand note of the sermon of a well-known curate. Having committed it to hieroglyphics, in the course of his studies the student read a series of sermons from the lips of various celebrated clergymen . He went to the parson last week with t troubled countenance. "You know I took a note of B's sermon the other week p Well I lost the note, and some scoundrel has had the audacity to print it in a book I'm reading and attributes it to Spurgeon'" he said. The parson who tells the yarn had the nous to look at the date of that book of sermons. The date was 1881. The Spurgeon of twenty-tharee years ago ought to be ashamed of himself for stealing a sermon from a struggling curate of 1904.

Asserted that present-day women are nothing but a seething mass of poisons and deadly dangers. Their complexions are "improved" by the application of poisonous powders, while deadly explosive paraffin preparations render their hair glossy and a terrible source of danger to themselves, and to those unfortunate enough to be in the same building with them. For a clear skm they swallow several times daily doses of arsenic, starting with minute quantities, which, m course of time, are incredibly increased ; drops of belladona — the death-dealing night shade — render their eyes bright and liquid, while nine-inch long pins protrude from their garden hats, and assist with the points of the carelessly-held parasol, to tear out the eyes of inoffensive man. Inflammable celluloid combs in their hair complete a charming picture of a "delightful" fashionable woman of the present day. ♦ * * Hovv Nature shows her thriftmess. We see on every side No tree can boast a brand-new dress, But wears the old one dyed. * * * He is a well-known business man, and thinks "he knows a pood horse when he sees one, but the man at the neighbouring stable winks his other eye, and tells this story. On one of the recent race days, the business man hired a buggy and a £40 horse< — a high stepper —from the stable, and drove his family to the races. That night he returned the buggy with a wretched old crock between the shafts that would have disgraced a milk-cart. xuid what annoyed me most," said the stableman, "was that he would argue that the spavined, knock-kneed brute he returned in the evening was the showy horse he took away in the morning." The wrong horse was harnessed up for him when he was leaving the course, and he didn't know the: differencs, but the livery stable keeper found his own horse before the night was out.

One morning in the garden bed, The onion and the carrot said Unto to the parsley group : "Oh, where shall we three meet again, In thunder, lightning, hail, or ramP" "Alas!" replied in tones of pain, The parsley "In the soup !" # * * Ngahauranga and Kaiwarra have not the monopoly of sweet odours. Hawke's Bay can boast some equally favoured spots. The train journey nearing Napier treats one to a variety of more or less appetising whiffs. Firstly, at Hastings one revels* in the smell of apricots, peaches, and fruit of all kinds, for here the canning and bottling industry employs hundreds of hands. A few minutes later one looks round for a restaurant, so strong is the odour of ham, tongue, etc. As the train slows down at Tomoana tha mystery is explained — meat works in full swing. And, nearer the town, the weary traveller is treated to a mixture of tallow and smoke, as the famous Awatoto Soap Works loom in view. # * * The sudden fright Unnerved her quite She fainted dead away. Her hair turned white In a single night— But she turned it brown next day.

At the Dunedin Gun Club's match, held at Dunedin on Boxing Day, the following divided the handicap match for £100 — "Messrs. Cadell Featherston, "Blue Rock," Whelan, McLay, Boswell, Newton, Ayers, James, and Graham. A sweepstake match was d'vided by the following: — Messrs. Graham, Newton, King, and Crow. Seven of the above winners in the £100 match, and all the winners in the sweepstake, used the Colonial Ammunition Company's cartridges' and patent concave wadding.