Entre Nous

Free Lance, Volume IV, Issue 185, 16 January 1904, Page 12

Entre Nous

THE Americans aie starthngly original, even in their cable messages. Seems to us, though, that the message setting out tliat a man had called up a friend on the telephone so that the said friend could hear him shooting his wife is a bit late in the day. For quite a while "Au Telephone." a stage 1 tragedy, built on the same lines, has been played in Pans with the notable exception that a burglar enters the room of a lady who is speaking to her husband through the 'phone, shoots her, and steals her jewels. The man in the play hears the shots and screams. The screams have evidently just reached the Press Association at New York. # * # Splendid force the police' Hard lines, however when a minion of the law is made a laughing stock at a mere circus, isn't it? Just lately, at a tent-and-sawdust performance in a country town, the usual clown was projecting ancient foolishness at the audience. An apparent drunk in the said audience scrambled over the balcony, and said it was a lie — a blithering, blue, bally lie. With a howl of rage he threw himself on the clown, and the clown loudly called out for the police. The local force advanced in skirmishing order, and seized the ruffian, whose clothes came away in their hands, leaving the usual circus athlete in his tights exposed to view. It isn't often the police supply merriment. * * • What a lot of papers now have a caligraphic column in. which some person solemnly and sincerely tells your character by your handwriting. A lady we know recently sent a sample to one paper. It said she was 'a warm, impetuous girl, with a penchant for dramatic work, open-hearted but without much sense of "order," and several other things too nice to mention. The following week she sent a "back-handed" specimen of artistic caligraphy, and the gentleman told her she was a man. of a calm, calculating disposition, with a mathematical tendency, not susceptible to the charms of the o^oosite sex and with no love of personal adornment. As a matter of fact, the lady could not do a simple division sum, and is going to have a new summer hat if she can persuade papa to hand over the necessary cash.

The London "Spectator" wains Australians to be careful if the Jap happens to beat the Russians over the Manchuria squabble. That paper says: — "There is no bond of sympathy between the Japanese and the Australians who look upon the little brown men with as little favour as possible colonists as they do the Chinese, while the Japs are know n to deeply, if silently, resent their exclusion from the continent." Perhaps not. Still quite a short time ago Admiral lukomjo Kamura brought his squadron to Australia, and was wildly welcomed, feted, petted, and admired. Also, Japs aie greatly in favour m many pan a of Australia as servants. * * * In Queensland, the little brown moa, and little brown women too, are pres-sut in great numbers, and are engaged in pearling operations on near-by islands without clashing with the Australians. Curious, too, that some of the people of a white Australia should want to fight for the little brown men, as some C an adiins also desire to do. Of course, this fact doesn't prove anything, for adventurers might be found in any country who would fight for anything or anybody. * * In the bogsrv blackblocks, from which comes the milk for the butter w e love so well, the voice of the despairing settler is now and again lifted in supplication. Most of the daary farmers send their milk carts to the creameries m charge of a man who is good with an axe, a shovel, and a iaok. Also, a piece of fencing wire and some greenhide is necessary to repair broken axles. The fact that the powers that be intend putting all back-country roads in order ''this summer" is comforting. Settlers are not expected to know that the season of the year now on is summer, and the promises are not yet performances. * *■ * It happened late one night en a tramcar going to Newtown. Two young men sat together in one of the seats, both of them sound asleep. Th3ir appearance indioated that they had been out for a good time, and that they had looked too long upon the wine when it was red. When the car had nearly reached its destination, two policemen entered, one at either end of the car. One of the young fellows . woke suddenly, looked around, shook his companion, and shouted • "Jump up. Jack ! Out of the window ' The place is raided '" * * * Details of the lives of the truly preat are always of supreme interest. It is, therefore, frightfully thrilling to learn that Madame Humbert is kept at work all day long in prison. The punishment fits the crime. Hitherto her favourite occupation has been plucking her victims. Now, she has to sort their feathers.

You read that cable from New York saying that a, train near Topeka had collided with another with fatal results? Not known until January 9th that a Wellington man was aboard. He has been in America for several years, and is probably going to stay there. His wife lives here, however, and will probably continue so to do. She doesn't often hear from him, and she has had no direct communication even now. But, a mutual friend received this cable twelve hours after the catastrophe: "Saved; break it gently to the wife." Women have their crosses to bear. *• * "Mercutio" remarks: — "Life is a perplexing riddle. Fifty-two years ago two' boys went out to Natal. One of them rose to be first Premier of the colony, a great editor, and a belted knight. Sir Johni Robinson, whose death I read of the 1 other day, was that boy. And the other boy ? He drifted to New Zealand, and is now an inmate of the Costley Home. And so the world wags." The latter is a pretty sad wind-up.

That British justice heeds little the wail or the children, and heeds much the sacred rights of propery, the Lance has long held. It is not only British colonial justice that is squint-eyed. The English variety suffers from visual obliquity. We read that in a small Home town parents were brought before a magistrate for llltreatment of a child. The llltreatment was proved, but, in consideration of something or other the report fails to mention, the parents were "let off" on promising they wouldn't do it again. An inspector visited the house shortly after, and found things 50 per cent, worse than formerly. On appearing before the same magistrate, that astounding Solomon found that "revolting cruelty" had been proved, and sentenced the father to six weeks' imprisonment ! He could have got seven or eight times as Ion*" for maiming a rabbit on the magistrate's estate. * * • He came into the Lance office mainly to tell us that it wasn't true Mr. Seddon was leaving for Japan in the morning. Told us incidentaly that he's been fishing in the stream of Wakariri, and staying in. the "township," where the whole of the business, professions, and so on were m the hands of the local storekeeper. You oould get a pound of chops or a haircut at the storekeeper's — particularly a haircut. Our friend decided on a haircut, and sat on the kero-sene-case "chair," while the storekeeper perfozmed the kind office. A little foxterrier, with pricked-up ears, and alert tail, watched the process with keen interest. Our friend remarked that the dog took a great interest in hair-cutting. "Oh, it isn't exactly that," explained the amateur barber, "Jack" knows I often make a slip, and chip off a piece of a man's ear — and he's a perfect devil for meat." * * « One of Poneke's most popular singers has unbounded faith in the merits of raw eggs as a means of soothing Derturbed vocal organs. It is his sovereign remedy for throat troubles, and has helped him through many a time when his voice seemed likely to fail him. One day last week he had a big singing contract before him, and felt none too confident as to his condition, so the wife of his bosom made the usual provision against emergencies. * « * For the first set of songs the lubricant acted splendidly. Later in the evening, the vocalist made a second attack on the contents of his handbag. The ends of an egg were perforated in the orthodox manner with a pin, but apply what suction he would the operator could extract no liquid. Still, he sucked and sucked till the prelude to his song was be ; .ig played, and things got desperate. Then, he staked everything upon the tearing open of the shell and found — that he had been wasting all his efforts upon a hard-boiled eg^l His emphatic remarks on making the discovery are better suppressed. * * * Municipal Councils are so quaint Wellington charges the high fee of 10s per year for the registration of dogs. Grey Lynn, Auckland, a thickly populated suburban borough, charges 2s 6d for "working" dogs. The delightful pastoral district of Karangahape-road and thereabouts is so well-known that no one will be surprised to hear that the genuine "working-dog" resident on the said macadamised pastures have increased about 75 per cent, since the license fee was cut! down.

The intelligent and zealous constable watched the holiday celebrant closely. He noticed that his gait was by no means military, and that his expostulations were unnecessary. The policeman observed that the expostulations grew louder, and he crossed the moonlit road, his shadow thrown upon its alabaster smoothness. "What's the matter wid ye?" he asked. "I'm all ri', policeman . but I'm just. tellm' thish feller that itsh not the act of a gentleman to follow a gentleman. Ile'sh been followin' me all ni\ an' I wan' to shay he'sh an ill-bred fellow. Thash what you are, a low -lived, ill-bred rascal, an' you can.take it ash you please'" "Be aicy, sor. be aisy," said the policeman, "sure there's nothin' to make a row about." "Then what's he mean bv followin' me? I won't be followed!'' "Calm yerself, man l " s^id the policeman ; "can't ye see it's only yer shadow yer arguin' wid?" Then the kindly "trap" took him home. » * * He is a budding lawyer, and has a newly-painted "shnigle" stuck on the wall outside his office. He is the lawyer whom we mentioned recently as setting an alarm clock to wake him up when it was time to go home. For one weary month he had chewed the end of a pen, drafted imaginary bills of costs, a.nd looked ud a few conveyancing precedents, and slept. Last Tuesday there came a knock at his office door. He coughed grandiloquently, and said • "Come in !" A smart-looking man came in, and proceeded to take some documents from his pocket. ♦ * * The budding lawyer asked him to take a chair, and beamed on him. He sniffed work. He advised the potential client to make a clean breast of his trouble, to trust him implicity, to state shortly the facts of the matter in which he desired advice, and wound up a peroration by grabbing a writing block and a pencil. "Now then, sir, state your business." "Well, I'm a typewriter agent, and if you want a machine, the 'Old Decade' " Then the lawyer got wild, and spoke about firing the man who wasn't a client out on to the pavement, but the man who for five years has had the courage to sell machines to people who say they don't want them didn't quail. * * * An up-country coroner is responsible for this story. Some time ago he was holding an inquest upon a case of evident suicide. The six good men and true who had the matter in hand were imbued with a high estimate of the importance and responsibility that rested upon them, and when the evidence had been ended and summed up, they asked for an opportunity to consider it. So the coroner left them alone for a spell, and on his return he> found that they had drawn ud a formal verdict, and this is how it ran — "The jury are all of one mmd — temporarily insane!" In putting the decision into the official records, however, he took care to express the idea that it was the deceased, and not the jurors, who suffered from the mental kink. » *■ * Determination is a fine quality. Shoves a man to the top of the ladder in no time. Heard of a case the other day where a couple of men bid Is for a Maori "weed." Neither of them really wanted the apology for a horse, but neither was going to let the other get what he thought he wanted. It is a fact the horse was raised by shilling bids to: £15, and that he dropped down dead— probable with fatigue — as he was going out of the saleyard. Quaint thing an auction sale. Lovely household goods, that fetch half-a-sovereign in. open shops, are frequently sold a baigain — absolutely given away for double the money — because Mrs. Jones doesn't want Mrs. Brown to know that she isn't as well off as she. But the bachelor man is the quaintest buyer at a sale. We saw a man buying towels in an auctioneer's mart last week. The hoarse-voiced knight of the hammer held up three pathetic little towels. "How much?" "Half-a-crown" yelled the bachelor, who was going to camp out. "They're yours'" said the auctioneer. Thereafter a dozen lots of three towels were sold at 6d per lot. After all, it takes a man to drive a bargain. * * * Auckland, like Wellington, is trying to find out if that firm of eminent Paris photographers, who "do" enlargements and customers — are really the philanthropists their advertisement sets them out to be. It seems that one Aucklander sent his 10s to Paris, and was promised a camera as well as the enlargement specified in the advertisement.. He says the enlargement is oretty good, but was amply paid for, though professedly given away. He wrote to Paris, and expressed his disgust at the barefaced lie contained in the prospectus stating that it was an absolute gift. The enlargement was sent in a cardboard roll, with a threepenny stamp on, which was the entire cost of sending it to Auckland. Therefore the charge for the photo was 9s 9d. The whole thing is, he avers, a contemptible piece of trickery. How Monsieur the philanthropist must smile at the simple colonial!

The Hon. the Colonial Treasurer is telling a good story of an old man from the back country, who waited upon the C T. the other day with a request for an appointment as confidential clerk in the Treasury. His ambition had beem fired by the success of the recent raised-in-the-colony loan. After giving the quaint old chap some time for a yarn, the Treasurer asked him if he was prepared to* pass the Senior Civil Service examination. "Oh, no " exclaimed the old 'un , "there is no need to worry about that. You can fix me up as aai expert f " The Big Man of the Treasury had his doubts. He Mas sure there was no opening. "Oh, well," declared the old chan. as he reached out for his hat, 'you should be real sorry for the State has lost an excellent confidential officer. I've lived a lon- while., and I know a lot of thines — but I never mention'em. Good-day '" ♦ • * Comforting to read the opinion of one of London's great medicos after having been deluged with opinions from laymen that cancer was probably conveyed per medium of bacon and other meat — "I should not like to say that in the future some connection between foods and cancer may not be made out, but so far as our present knowledge goes there is absolutely nothing which in any way connects the two. We have no more right to say that the increased quantity of meat eaten in late years has caused an increase of cancer than we have to say that it is due to an increased number of steam engines. And what I have said with regard to meat applies equally to tomatoes, which have also been stated to have spread cancer." Therefore, go ahead with your rasher, but see that the bacon pig is inspected. It is still an anomaly that pigs, the most omnivor-

ous of animals, are allowed, to go to market without inspection. Of course, the evil of feeding slaughter-house offal to pigs is not yet entirely knocked on the head. * « * We know of a tourist who remarked to his friends, on passing the Parliamentary Buildings, that that structure was "The Lifeguards' Barracks," and who further tendered the information that the Government Buildings were the State frozen mutton depot. This tourist has been beaten up-country. Here is the story about it • He was well to the fore in the mail train recently. There are several caves to be seen in the hill-sides close to the railway line, where gravel has been taken out of them. The tourist spotted these caves, and proceeded to ladle out valuable information. "Alice, my deah- Berty, love, come heah. See those howwible caves in the wocks. The poor Mowys live theah." And the tourist's wife and son and daughter proceeded to take notes in sweet little morocco-bound meimorandum books with silver-cased pencils. By the time these particular tourists have "done" the Wanganui River and R/otorua their notes will be encyclopaedias of valuable information. *■ * * The photograph of the magnificent cricket trophy reproduced in this issue is unique, and we are indebted to a gentleman concerned in the presentation for the original. He calls it "A Duckegg Box," in beautiful New Zealand wood (white pine), handsomely bound in "Morocco." The hinges are cut from one of his old boots, and the inscription (on brown paper inside the lid is as follows : — "This trophy (jewelled in every hole) is presented by several admirers to the 'Kayaness' C.C. first eleven, for com-

The young, colonial has an aptitude foi discoveniig the weak points of pater fanuhas. Perhaps, he hears his mother continually extolling the virtues of the dreadful man, but, be that as it may, the average youngster succeeds oftentimes in hitting pa pretty hard. We heard a precocious youth of six summers, who had waited m vain with pater in front of the Economic for half-an-hour to witness the advent of Santa Claus down the chimney, say, "Oh, let's go home, dad . I 'speots as its Christmas Eve he's on the 'tank.' " Dreadful youth , what a future he has in front of him — political probably. • * * One of the guards on the Waikato railway is indignant on account of a little ioke that was practised upon him in the holidays. An officious person came up at one of the stopping places and warned him that "There's two men travelling first in this train, and neither of them has a ticket." The conductor went conscientiously through the firstclass compartments, but found all his passengers able to produce their oassports. Then, he came back to his informant, to ask if he could point out the two persons who were swindling the Railway Department. "Well," said

the joker, "I think you'll find the driver and stoker are travelling about the first on this train. Just inquire whether either of them has a ticket." The harassed guard suggests that a paternal Government ought to indemnify him against the consequences of taking satisfaction for such a hoax at the busiest time of the year. * ?■ *• Scotsmen, are generally supposed to o\\ c their success m life to oatmeal porridge. It is alleged to possess more pushing power than a Minister of the Crown if there's a billet in sight. Irishmen owe all their benefits to "murphies" and buttermilk, and Englishmen, of course, climb to giddy heights by eating fat bacon. A propos of the Scot and his "burgoo." One of him, in Otago, the other day, was comforted Otago. the other day, was confronted with a small difficulty. For a wonder the Scot was poor, and his family of small difficulties numbered ten. The latest made the total eleven. A neighbour was condoling with him. "More expense, Mr. MoK ," he said, ing at the latest youngster. "Hoot, mon, twill cost nae mair. An extra half-pint o' watter i' the parritch, and there ye are !"

petition under the following conditions : To be held by the man who makes first 'duck' in each match, and to become the property of the man who makes most 'blobs' in the first three matches." Already the "Kayanesses" are training night and day for the coming contest.