At The Pantomime. Monologuc SPECIALLY WRITTEN FOR THE "FREE LANCE" CHRISTMAS NUMBER.

Free Lance, Volume IV, Issue 181, 19 December 1903, Page 30 (Supplement)

At The Pantomime. Monologue SPECIALLY WRITTEN FOR THE "FREE LANCE" CHRISTMAS NUMBER.

A CHRISTMAS theatre party. How lovely, Pa, you're a leal brick. . . Oh there aic plenty of places. . . The Circus? Oh Pa, where is your taste? You are not so young now as you used to be, you know. . . Oh, Mater, w hoever heard ot going to drama at Christmas time? Ib would be like eating spnng onions at a dance. . . Comnanson ? Well, perhaps it is rather irrelevant, but still drama, good or bad, is out of the question for Christmas. I'd rather — well, I beilieve I'd rather dam stockings for the poor — no, you needn't laugh, I mean it. . . Oh, well, cr — I know' We'll go to the Pantomime. . . Well, yes, we might have thought of it before, but still, "Better late than never" you know. . . Original? Why should I be when we've got such a lot of sayrnigo already made for us? . . . Yes, of course, it's the Pantomime , there's nothing else in the race. . . Slanfrv? Oh, Mater, is it ? I must have learnt it from Bobbie ' .. . Oh, I'm so glad you'll come, Pa, because I think we might leave Bobbie at home this time. . . . Well, you know how he behaved the last time we took him to the theatre. . . But I know he'd rather stay at home with his museum and things, Mater' . . . Bobbie annoyed ? I'm sure he doesn't care two pins for theatres. . . Yes, I think it will be better for the general peace of the party. . . Oh, don't let us have this usual argument over the seats. I simply can't bear the stalls, so there ! . . . Oh, Pa, you mustn't lose your temper like that. It was only the other day that Ma was telling a visitor how gentle you were. . . Your gout? Oh. it won't be full moon next week 1 . .. . Foolish 9 I'm not foolish. I'm sure you told me once that your ~out was always w orst when the moon was full. . . Oh, well, I apo'ogise. . . It may be a pull. Mater, but think of the insignificance of sitting; in the stalls wheTe the Smiths and the Simpkins and the — well, everybody will be in the circle. . . Suppose we'll have to? Why. there's nothing else in — I mean we couldn't possibly sit anywhere else but in the dress circle. . . No, Pa, you may be a good judge of stocks and shares, and even of poultry, but I'd rather choose the seats myself if yon don't mind? . . . You, Mater? You couldn't possibly You would get so ■dreadfully confused with all those little numbers that you would choose blindly, and in consequence pick out the very worst seats in the house. . . Yes, I think I had better choose them myself, after all. . . Oh Pa, it is neaily nine o'clock. Do be ouick, or you will miss your car Pa, you really must not drink your coffee so quickly you'l! get dyspepsia, for sure. . . Oli Oh' Oh' Don't, Pa, that hurts. Goodbye. . . My cream silk? Oh matei I couldn't possibly wear that old thing again. Why I've worn it thiee times already this year. . . Yes, Mater, but I'm certain those Smith girls are having new frocks made, and if they should happen to be there. Oh, Mater, I couldn't bear to look shabby beside them. . . "Expense? I think you overlook the fact that I am earning seven-and-sixpence a week now. . Well, perhaps I could scrape up two pounds . . No, perhaps it wouldn't so very far, but still it would pay for the lace . Well part of it. then . . Only a week l I'm sure Miss Sewell oould do it in tame. Shall I rin- up and ask her please Mater? . . . Oh. thanks, you are a dear, we'll go out thi<? afternoon, and choose the material (A week elapses.) ♦ * * Yes, it is time he was here. Dear me, it is nearly seven o'clock. . Listen, there's the telephone , I'll go. . . Who's there?— Yes— Oh, it's you Pa. do you know it's nearly seven o'clock? — What's that? — Oh gracious, can't you ; what a pity — I don't know I

suppose I'll have to ask Bobby — YesYes — Oh, I suppose we'll have to put up with it — Yes — Good-bye. . . Wnat a, nuisance, Mater. . . Pa' ... He can't come , he's too busy at the office. . . Well, perhaps it is like a man, but I'm sure Pa can't help it this time. . . Yes, but still he must attend to his business. . . His Club ? Oh, I'm sure he w ouldn't tell such stories. . . What' After having bought the tickets ? Oh we must go. . . Ask the Smith girls ! Oh, Mater, I couldn't after yesterday. . . Fanny Dundan said they were out with those Bruin girls ' ... Nice ? Yes, but their father was only a tradesman, you know. . . Oh, we'll have to ask Bobby. . . Yes, he will if I talk to him nicely. . . Bobby, where aie you p . . . Bobby, would you like to come to the theatre with us p . . . Oh, Bobby, what language' I wish you wouldn't use those awful expressions. . . . Because they're not nice. . . Let me see — I forget. . . Won't you? Oh, well, I think it's a pantomime. . . You're too modest, Bobby I'm sure I don't know why actresses wear too many clothes off the stage, and too few on. . . I think so , Frank sa<vs it is good. . . Don't be cheeky, Bobby . Frank often treats you to the football match. . . The dress circle of course, where do you think? . . . Perhaps you do, but Mater and I couldn't very well go to the pit. . . "Stinker" Jones. Oh, Bobby, what a name. . . Why ? Because he smokes bad cigarettes. How dreadful. . . Have you? But can't you ring him up, and ask him to come another night? Just + o please me, Bobby . . Oh, your museum won't run away. Here's sixpence to buy some sweets. . . That's right, you're a very good boy. . Before ? Oh, well, we didn't think you wanted to go . . Certainly not' Put on your Eton suit. . . Yes but you look nice in it. . Yes. Bobby, very dirty. You will find a clean one in your drawei. . . Change your mind? Oh, you couldn't now, Booby , here's another sixpence, but do hurry, or we'll be late. Of course, it w ould matter people mieht be too interested m, the play to notice my new frock. . . I don't put on "side," Bobby. • • Yes, in the bottom drawer, and don't forget to wash wour face. . There, Mater he's promised to come Yes a good deal. I had to give him a shilling . Your hajr p Yes, Mater, you'll certainly have to sec the dyer ai°;am to-morrow. Giey 9 Just a little but I'll cover that up for you

to-night. . . Heie's the cab. . . Oh, Bobb> , you haven't w ashed your face. . . Well, it doesn't look like it. . . My hair? What's thei mattei with it ? Don't giggle like a silly. . . Like sausages , good, gracious, it took the man two houis to do it. . . Here, Bobby, you take charge of the opera glasses and the tickets. . . Yes, you go in before us like Pa. . . Oh, never mind your lizards , they'll look after themselves , come on. . . No, you can't ride on the box seat ; you might catch cold. . . Why, what are you fidgeting about for, Bobby? . . . Left the opera glasses on the hall stand ' Dear me, stop the cab, and run back foi them, only do bei quick. . . What a long time you've been, Bobby , jump m quickly ; you're an awful boy. . . Here we are. . . No, you jurcm out first Bobby, and help Mater and me. . . . Thank you. . . Dear me, I didn't bring any money to pay the cabby. . . Haven't you, Mater? Bobby, tell the cabby that Pa will pay him to-morrow. . . . Humiliating ? I can't help it; you'll have to do it. . . What did he say? . . . Thank goodness, I couldn't bear a scene with a cabby. . . Now, then Bobby, the gentleman wants the tickets. . . Well, you shouldn't put them in your trousers pocket; hurry up, you're keeping everybody waiting. . . . Thank goodness, Mater, we're not late. . . Well, if you will persist, I suppose you must sit m the end seat, Bobby. . . Who are you talking to, Bobby? ... I didn't know "Stinker" Jones had a sister. . . No, she's not, she's freckled. . . Oh, I daresay, plain people generally are nice. . . Oh, Bobby, you wouldn't leave us here, it was only my fun. . . Now, be quiet, the curtain is goang up. . . Yes, you may have the opera glasses. . . What are you laughing at ?. . . Well, the girl can't help her legs. . . I don't see why she ought to sing any better for having tlun legs. . . Yes, but "Stinker" doesn't know everything. Now, Bobby, be quiet, you are making u-j conspicuous. . . How did you like the first act, Bobby ? . . Didn't you? Why? . . . What a memory you've got, but tell his sister to te 1 ! him when she o-oes home that you forgot to ring him up. . . Oh, you did. What are you chewing, Bobby? . Dear me, what sticky things -fo brine; to the theatie. . . I should think she wouldn't. O all right, if you w ill take the paper off for me. Thanks . No, mater won't have one. . . You shouldn't throw the

paper o\ er the side. . . Because you never know where it will fall. . . What) aie you giggling at? . . . Dear me, is he looking up. . . Fancy picking a bald man out of all that crowd — you are incoiiigible, Bobby. . . Mean? You ought to know ; you have been to school. . . Can you see the Smith girls, Bobby? .. . Oh, yes, I see. . No, I don't think they're "peaehv " and I wish you wouldn't use such awful expressions. . . Oh, I just wanted to see them. . . I'm not jealous, Bobby. ... I say I'm not, they're not even pietty. . . Perhaps I'm not but don't be cheeky. . . Only one more act. . . Help me on with my cape, please, and Mater's too. . . Of course you ought to. . . Oh, never mind your sweets. . . Help Mater up the steps. . . Well, I thought you had forgotten • that's right . . Why, here's the same cab as we came in. . . Why, you needn't have said anything about the money to him, Bobby : we can pay him when we get home. . . You didn't know. . . How did you "stuff" me? ... You didn't tell ham at all ; I'm so glad. . . * * * Now, we're home, Mater. . . Yes, rather catchy. . . I liked the sleeves on, that girl who sang the love song in the second act. . . Yes, that's the one. . . The Smith girls? Perfectly awful. . . 80-bbv, run and get some money for the cabby, hurry up. . . No, don't wake him . look in his pockets. . . Bobby wall pay you. cabby. . . Yes, Good-night! ... Oh, Bobb" hurry up; why, what's the matter? . . . Your blue lizard. . . You must have forgotten to feed it, I'm so sorry. . . 0 Bobby, what a big one, you weren't going to feed it to-night. . . I'll see how much money I've got, but do hurry up and pay the cabby, there's a good bay . * ■* » Oh, Pa, I'm glad you're up. . Now, Bobby, what 'would you like? .. . Lobster salad!. . . Very well , pass along your plate , you didn't behave youi self extra well to-night, but 1 suppose we must excuse a lot at Christmas time . . Oh, ;\es, I forgot, you were obliging us. . . Champaigne l Oh Pa, you're a gem. . . Yes, please, right up to the top. . . Mater, Pa,' and Bobby— A Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year'