PADDY PHELAN'S CHRISTMAS DOX. SPECIALLY WRITTEN FOR THE "FREE LANCE" CHRISTMAS NUMBER.

Free Lance, Volume IV, Issue 181, 19 December 1903, Page 2 (Supplement)

PADDY PHELAN'S CHRISTMAS DOX. SPECIALLY WRITTEN FOR THE "FREE LANCE" CHRISTMAS NUMBER.

« 'TTTTELL, I d'kuow," mused Cobb, \f\f taking out his knife, and blowing the dust out of the haft before he chipped a pipeful of tobacco from the plug, "but I reckon the west coast of South Australia is the most God-forsaken hole in the colonies." Cobb and I had clumped our swags under a bi^ box tree, on a billabong, ten miles from Mallee Cliffs. We were going up to Euston, intending to get wheat cleaning with the cockies or Charlton. The lower Murray track isn t a dream. The squatters are not more generous than the banks that have the screw on them, and it's a long way from Wentworth to SwanhiU without meat, especially at Christmas time. Iw as mixing half-a-pannikm of flour on a bit of old calico and the absence of baking powder led me to remark that Murray tracks were as "hungry" as South Australian mallee roads. "Mind y' Joe," Cobb continued, dragging a dry box limb over near the fire, and sitting on it, "there's plenty of work kickm' around over there — at ten bob a Week and salt pie;. I remember the first time I left Adelaide, thmkin' I was goin' to olay up and break things in the bush. Got over to Port Lincoln, where they grow oysters a foot aeroet, and men to match. Chuck us a firestick. This sheep-dip stuff ain't too good at keepm' alight "I humped bluey up to Lincoln, and the cockies was there in dozens waitin' for a Land Board meetin' or somethin'. All as Irish as th' pigs, and a good deal thirstier than, any porker I ever see. Job? My word. The blinders rushed me. Ten bob a week and tucker was the prevahn' symptoms. I tried the track. There wasn't a Johnny cake nor yet a chop on the whole blasted red road. Cockies stuck away in the mallee scratching up the soil with stump-jumn nloughs. Told me to go to Jericho. Bits o' sheep men seen me off the run. and seen I went with empty nose-bags. I done the biggest perish I ever done in me life. "But, I want to tell yez about Paddy Pbelan and his Christmas-box, for he's the bloke as I stopped with for about three months." Cobb reached his toe out, and shoved a Johnny cake out of the ashes With professional care he blew the ashes off it, slapped it a time or two, and proceeded to chew and talk. "Paddy was the bi^eest man on the Coast, except his brother Larry. Larry lived next door to him, and his wattle and oak shanty was about two milesi into the slie>-oak. There was always trouble between them two blokes. Seems that Paddy had married Larrys girl, and although Larry had a Dig lump of a woman himself he never forgive him for it. "Larry had a little red mongrel bull, and he was the red 'ottest fence-breaker I ever see. That bull would come strollen' through the five-wiie fence close alongside Paddy's ti-tree stockyard, whenever he felt like it. He useter think a lot more o' Paddy's cow s than Larry's. "Paddy would jumn on his 'orse an' chase him out generally. The on.lv time I ever heard a. bloke curse like Paddy was in the Ad'laade marine strike. 'Be the holy smoke ' says Paddy one day, 'I'll shoot that bull an' his blinded owner yit'" "Two days after this that bull, with his nose in the air, comes sailm' along the bound'rv fence, makin' straight for his lady fnemds. Paddy seen him a comin' and I starts out to hunt him back. 'Let him come,' says Paddy, with the only bit of his d<al that wasn't covered with whisker as red as the bull's hide. "I didn't drop to it for a minute, but he runs into the house, and sets a Winchester rifle The bull lowers his head at the fence, and walks through , pulling a couple of panels with him.

Then, he comes to the corner of the yard, slews round for the gate as was iacin' us, and makes for the little mob as was there. We. was gom' to brand the young 'uns in the afternoon, and was w aitin' for a cove to come from CoJton to help us. Paddy waited until the bull was fair broadside on, and then he pulled. His nibs's fence-breakin' w as over f er ever. ' "Joe, me boy,' he says to me , 'just canther over to Lairy's, will yez, and toll him to comQ over and fGtch his beef I got a horse, and went through the fenoe at the bieak, and pulled up in about twenty minutes at Larrys yard. " 'G'day, Joe,' he says to me. 'How ye dom'^' 'Oh, not too dusty,' I says. 'Paddy wants you to come over and get some beef.' I was wat chin' Larry, because I expected to see him rear. "'Well, by cnpes l ' he says. What the divil's Paddy up to ?> Larry was so pleased that he regular chuckled. 'All right, Joe, I'll come over d'lectly,' he says. I hit on what Larry was chucklia' about as I rode back. He thought Paddy had slaughtered a bullock, and wanted to make friends by givi.i' him half in good bush style l " Cobb was so tickled here thait he swallowed a mouthful of tea-leaves out of his panikin. not noticing it was dry and over-run with ants. "Well p " I asked the sputtering Cobb. Cobb tapped the leaves out of his panikin on the toe of his boot, and took a dip out of the billy. "Well, irry must have jumped a wing of tl brush boundary fence, for he oome ambling along straight to the house, not noticin' the stockyards nor nothin'. 'G'day'' he s-ays, without gettin' dow n. 'Where's the beef as you was goan' to give me?' Paddy, who was not vi hat you might call crdm or kerlected, nods 'is head in the direction of the bull, and says, 'There it is. Are yez goin' to take it 'orae on ver saddle ? ' "Larry wheels the old horse round, and sets a heap of bull lying in front of the stockyard. Ec shaikes the Old horse up, and gallops aerost, sees the little red hole just behind the near shoulder and understands. Before we knew what was happening Larry is cc'inm' teann' back, ridin' straight far Paddy. Paddy is willin', too, and starts running to meet him. Larry pulls up s«> sharp thft the old prad slithers, and before ycAi could say 'knife' the bloke on foot has his brother off the horse, and is startin' to stave the back of his 'cad in> by bumpm' him on the limestone ground. " 'Let him up I' I says, thinkin' it was a fair thing, and ha did. Neither of 'era was any class as boxers, but, for real blackguard rushes, and hard thumpin', I never see such a scrap. When their faces was both smothered with blood, and their whiskers tore out be the roots, out comes the missus, yelhn' like a bleedin' wild-dog. "Ye low , mane blaggyard," she says, with her eyes a snappin', eii]oyin' it. Ye'i" big enough to mate wid a cow yerself ' I don't know w hich of the coves she was a talkin to, but I reckoned Larry, of course. She never tritii to stop 'em, and I never said a word, so they belted each other till they was sack. ' Larry was gettm' hurt so much that het was on fer gamin' time w ith yabber. " 'What the blazes made yez shoot the bull?' he says " 'Coz he's always breakin' fences,' says Paddy as well as he could without front teeth. ' They took a look at one another's dia,ls. and it must ha' broken 'em up Paddy grins, so does Larry. The missus went in, and put the billy on the fire She sees an end to the feud She was a pretty smart bit o' goods, take my m ord for it. Them blokes was as mild as saltbush country rabbits over their lunch. " 'I've got to go down to Co'lton to git Dave Henderson to help brand the calves,' says Paddy, lookin' at the missus. 'I'm goin' down that way, too,'

says Larry. 'I wants to see Kelly about that Dynamite oolt he was talkm' about.' And so they went. I seen 'em side be side, oanterin' up through the she-oaks, makin' toward the road, aud I never got the strength of it. I knew Lairy hadn't forgive Paddy for killing the bull. I kep' the little mob ok cattle in the yard till sundown. There was no Paddy, no Larry, and no Dave. After tea I watches the missus. She mixes her do<ugh, and sets it by the fire-place, sends the kids to bed, and starts in to read a 'Frank Reade.' She knew them blokes, you take my word. She never expected to see 'em this side o' Christmas. Them bush women don't do much in the howhn' line when their old men is late. "Next day, which was Christmas Eve, I takes a ride down to Colton, and theie was me noble Paddy "blind oh" at the pub. When Larry see>n me, he was '"blind oh," too but I seen him before he spotted me, and reckoned he was playing up some crook game. I got on to Kelly, the publican, to give 'em something to square 'em up, but Kelly wasn't a chap as 'ud take advice. Paddy was gettin' 'umpty doo' quick an' lively. His black eyes 'adn't wore away and when he give in, and flopped down on the pub. verandah, he looked like a scarecrow with the stick took away, and a chunk of fly-blown liver fer a headpiece. Larry com.es up astaggerm' drunk — in his mind. He shouts fer me, and reckons he'd better get home. " 'I'll tell Paddy's missus he'll be back tei-morrer,' he says to me. 'You stay and look after him,' he says. 'I'll go and get me horse.' A few minutes later he comes up from the pub. paddick leading his horse. I seen him getting aw ay towards home, and he was sitting true and straight. He wasn't 'snicker.' Paddy was all right. Kelly 'd care fer him as long as he had a bean, anid I set out to follow Larry. He never turned once, and I see him get off the take down the slip-rails of Paddy's first paddick and go through. His own road gate was about three-quarters oif a-mile' further on. He weren't goin' to his own place, though, fer he cuts down Paddy's track, and pulls up in Paddy's yard. I gets off the fee-gee I was ridm,' pulls a couple o' branches o' she-oak down Jer him, takes the bit out, and makes him fast. Then I shifted down after me noble, quick and lively, for he couldn't see me, seeing as he'd gone in the house. Ten to one if I'd ha' rode the horse he'd a heard me. There was a bit of a slab 'lean-to' at the back o' Paddy's house He used to keep the grindstone there, and a few odds and ends o' tools, out of the sun. I shp9 in, and jams me listener to the wall. " An' Mary,' lie was sayin, so plain as I always wonders why the tw r o kiddies didn't hear him, 'the better the day the better the deed. That waster, Paddy, is kapin' Christmas up down at the pub. You and me'll go to Melbun', and Paddy can go to blazes.' The missus didn't say nothin', but I hears her scuffing on the. earth floor, draggin' things around. Presently, I hears the wooden button of the front door do a bit of a squeak, and out they goes. Larry takes the. saddle off his prad, and put a side-saddle oa him, gives the missus a lift up, shoulders a bluey that wasn't too professional lookin', an' oft they goes. ' I reckoned this was where I come in. T hops out, and says, 'Hello, Larry.' Lairy looked as silly as a mopoke. They don't carry oistols as a general thing on the Coast but Larry whips one out of his moleskins as if he w r as used to know in' it was there. " 'Wheie the mischief did you come from p ' he says. " 'Colton,' I says. 'Where is you and the missus goin' 9 " 'Wo'ie com' to bring Paddy home says he, lookin' more like a mopoke than ever.

" 'Gom' to take lam his blankets, too?' I asks, lookni' at the swag. "Then, the real Larry broke out. He didn't do no pny ver w ith the pistol, but he makes a blackguard dive fer me, and before I knowed where I was he wiped me acrost the jor and knelt on me. The row w o^e both the kids, and both of 'em come out in their shirts, and had a look on. I never had no chanst. I only goes ten stone on good tucker anyhow. " 'Whip up to the shed, and get the leadin' hnes ' says Larry to the missus. She went. And then them two bleedin' pearls tied me up in a bundle, and chucked me 1 inside. Last thing I heard thati night was 'Where are yous and Uncle Larry goin', mum?' " 'We's are goin' to meet your father. If you lets Joe go I'll skint the hides off yez when I oomes back.' "There was no Larry and no Paddy's wite, next mornin'. I sings out about daylight for the kids, and cursed 'em w hen they got up fer not outtm' the rope. However, they give me a drink o' cold tea, but poured most of it down me shirt. They said 'mum' would let me go> when she come home. If I'd a. wailed fer 'mum' to come home I'd be there yet. "About ten o'clock I hears a horse comin' , and he pulls up in front of the dowr. I hears the rider throw has saddle down, click to the prad, and open the door. " 'Mary!' he sings out. " 'Heiio, Paddy/ I says. Paddy looks at me as if he'd seen a bunyip. '"What the ?' Then he takes the bloamin' lot in at one go. 'Where's the missus?' 'Gone with Larry,' I says, as he cuts the ropes. I gets up, and Paddy pulls his stick o' weed out, and starts to cut a pipe. He didn't say nothm'. >( 'Ain't you goin' after 'em?' I says. "'I am not!" he says. 'Mary's got the blaggyard at last, has she? Give her time, and a, stockwhip, and she'll tame the baste.' "Paddy and me and the kids had a bite o' Tucker, and Paddy gets up, without a woid, takes his bridle off a peg, and went up the paddick fer hishorse. " 'So you're goin' after 'em after all?' I says. " 'I am not,' he says. '•He brings his horse back, nuts thesaddle on, and rides through the gap in the fence what the bull made. " 'He's goin' to break the news to Lairry's missus,' I says to meself. " 'Bout a hour later, I sees Paddy comin' back acrost the paddick, drivin* a dray, with a woman in it. and a fewsticks o' furniture. He was towin' the saddle horse behind. Paddy drives right up to the door. Mrs. Larry gets down. 'Good day, Joe/ she says, noddin' to me. Walkin' into the house, she spotted the kids. 'Yous jest e-o and wash yea- faces.' Then, she collected the breakfast things, stacked 'em into the old milk dish, poured some hot wateir on 'em. and took charge." Cobb stopped, looked across the billabong, and fetched a sigh. He looked as if he'd finished. '"Well? I asked. " Fair exchange ain't no robbery. They only swapped Christmas boxes' after all." "But, what about Larrys 1 farm?" I asked. "Did he come tack? 1 ' 'Not much. He was dummyin' fer .Vinthorp what owned the station. Paddy did the dummyin' fer both after that."

Three jokers sat in a bar room, discussing pints of beer, One bore a slight resemblance to Dick Seddon, our great Premier, A second like Tommy Hamer, the popular Private Sec. While the third was a palpable spieler, with beer full up to his neck He opened the morning paper, and read with evident zest How the Premier's Court physicians bad ordered him a rest In some quiet country township, free from cares of State, Where he might travel incog, and reduce his fighting weight.

The scene outside " Back-Blockville Aims," beside the village store, Was such the oldest pioneer had never seen before, Long streams of deputations surging round the motor car, All begging grants in aid of roads and bridges, near and far ; And various other matters, which, with gracious, kingly air, The pseudo-Seddon promised should receive his utmost care, And they cheered him to the echo, and invited him to stay For a very sumptuous banquet on the morrow— Chiistmas Day.

The level broke up in confusion with a scene of wild uproai, The people rushed fiom the tables and made for the outer door, When in dashed the village bobby and in accents loud and shi ill Announced that the genuine Premiei had airived in Back-Blockville. Then the swindlers vanished swiftly, for they srw the game was up, And they lingered no more o'er the turkey, or the foaming champagne cup, And the last that was seen of the trio as they motoied theii way out of that Was the spieler beanng the boodle in the Chairman's billycock hat.

A CHRISTMAS SPREE. How the Spielers took down the Citizens of Bacl-Blockville.

Quoth the spieler : " Mates, just listen while I describe a way For us to have a high old time and a Merry Christmas Day ; Jack will personate Dick Seddon, and Bill the Private Sec And I'll be the man ahead, and boss the little spec You two will ride a motor car, and I'll go on a wheel To the classic little township that is known as Baek-Bloekville." They joined him in the project without any hesitation, And, as above depicted, safely reached their destination.

The toast of " Our Guest " by the Chairman was a model of platform skill, He painted a glowing picture of the future of Baek-Bloekville ; And, rising to the occasion, the bogus Seddon brayed, " It will rival the Empne City— when it gets those prants in aid." The spielei modestly whispered the guest might not be averse If they showed their appreciation by presenting a " National Puise." He headed a list for fifteen quid, and, signing a cheque for that, Went round the room collecting in the Chairman's billy-cock hat.

But the hubbub was hushed in a moment round the Premier's four-in-hand, As King Dick rose up in his anger, and in tones of stern command Oidered the local bobby to puisue in fighting trim And ariest the wicked seoundiel who had dared to personate him. Then the whole of the population joined hot-foot in the chase, To save the reputation of the distiict fiom disgrace. But the last that was seen of the trio as they fled from Back-Blockville Were the motor ear and the spieler's bike passing over a distant hill.