Entre Nous

Free Lance, Volume IV, Issue 170, 3 October 1903, Page 14

Entre Nous

SOME of the " bottle oh " gentlemen who "do " our suburbs go in for other lines of industry besides the collection ot discarded crystals. If you have a favourite dog capable of bearing wie weidit of a bullock chain, staple him to a post sunk twelve feet in the ground, with railway spikes. A collector of "dead marines" and dogs called at the home of a Kelbume lady the other day with a well-bred Irish terrier. He said it was a valuable dog. Would the lady give him a shilling for it? The lady didn't want the dog, but she thought it was doing the animal a good turn by taking it from its "bottle oh" possessor. She "bought" it, and so became an accessory to a probable theft. Of course, the "leetle dawg" is in its own home now but the probabilities are that the "bottle oh" man's sphere of endeavour mil end sadly if a few irate dog-losers should happen to see the "bottles in his sack moving. * * * Every grown man we know, if approached on the subject of his early school days, will joyfully tell the enor.irer that he was the biggest rip in the school. Also, with unctuous winks, the average man will tell you that his schoolmates 1 "belted the hide off him. The average man enjoys those thrashings—when he grows up. The oldfashioned boy didn't like being "belted. The new-fashioned boy likes it asi little as his father, but wait unti he grows up. However, only recently some Southern youngsters who were leaving school to become leading light® of the community, and to think up yarns concerning their glorious school days presented their master with a, bundle ot supplejacks. * • • One of the boys, who acted as spokesman, said —"We have seen you break so many of these over the pupils since we have been at school, that we are sure it won't be long before you have used all these up." Now, it is perfectly obvious that those boys believed in supplejacks and it was really kml of them to give the master the wherewithal to inflict punishment that they were escaping from. "Spare the rod z>nd spoil the child"— the other fellow =, child. * ♦ • The police, the press, and the people are constantly asserting that the ccxuntry is full of New South Wales and Victorian thieves. They get caught now and then, and quite a lot of them are said to be "djing time." It cannot be true, however, because a Sydney paper, with a reputation it has wafted from Tasmania Head to Torres Strait, from North Cape to the Bluff, and which has defended its heartfelt statements in many a court of law, says it is a lie.

A local Sherlock Holmes tells us that a blue-blooded girl and her fiance went to the theatre last Monday. He saw them alight from a cab. Not a brougham, or a &ig, or a barouche mind you, but a common, cab. The lights were turned down whew they got in. Note this circumstance. Sherlock sat ia the same row as the pair, and had a full view during the interval of tiie right profile of the lady's lovely face. The fiance was sitting where he could sco only the left side. Sherlock noticed that the lady's face was marked v ith some strange device, apparently m ink. Very well. He waited. * * * Later he saw the gentleman take out a fountain pen from the breast pocket of Ins waistcoat, in order to make a note on his programme. He has oome to the conclusion therefore, with that perspicuity that makes him such a valuable assistant to the weary paragraph writer, that during the cab incident her little, lovely, fluffy, wayward head had reposed trustingly on his man.lv breast. As she has since splashed in the pellucid wash-basin, there is no record of the occurrence, but this one. Sherlock tells us that the moral of this ls Don't browse on your fiance's countenance with a fountain pen in your waistcoat pocket. * * * Quoth he, "I'll smg About sweet spring'" But presently he chanced Against a nest Of bees to rest , And for a change he danced. * * * "Cyclops," on the deviation of muscle from the paths of usefulness — "Some fine day a genius will arise who will make work fashionable. In those thrilling times our beauteous youth will find pleasure in toil, and will plunge pellmell into the giddy joys arising from the pursuit of some useful occupation. Such honours as are available will be eagerly competed for. The cyclone gardea-weeder and the lightning henroost white-washer will swell their dauntless chests in our streets and market places ; labour will have attained to it.s true dignity, and those of us who have cabbage natches to dig will promote competitions among the various athletic societies 1 to discover the champion spadesman every Wednesday afternoon right on from September until Christmas time. * * * There is a man mooning around the country, m a state of single blessedness, w ho would have been a Benedict by now if he had lived in a prohibition district. He was down on the card for matrimony on a certain day, and he hied him on the said day towards the church. There is a hotel on the way to that church. His friends dragged him m. He wasn't married every day, anyhow. They were so glad that he was going to get married that they "shouted" for joy. The beauteous bride breathed anathemas, the best man bit his long, drooping moustache with rage, and the parson considered he was earning his money pretty hardly. "Why not marry Bob ?" asked a bridesmaid. Bob was best man.. "Oh, I never thought of that ; of course." Next day, the belated person who had missed his chance was hitting out for the back country with his swag — and a thirst.

It has been reprinted before, but it is worth it. It is from a Western American paper — "Would that our pern, had been plucked from some beautiful bird of paradise and dipped in the eye of a rainbow, that we might fittingly describe the beautiful marriage scene enacted at the residence of Mr. and Mrs. A. C. Davis. Just as the day god, clothed in majesty sublime, had started on his downward course, toward the western sea. shedding his galaxy of quivering, golden beams o'er tihe rejoicing carth — it was then that the cords of confidence, hope, and love, binding the hearts of Eli Frederick Guernsey and Beatrice Davis were indelibly traced upon the scroll of life, and the sacred seal of holy matrimony placed thereon." * *■ •* Your shining eyes and golden hair, Your lily-rosed lips so fair ; Your various beauties which excel, Men cannot choose but like them well ; Yet when for them they say they'll die, Believe them not — they do but lie. * * * Salvation Army magic-lantern people have a fairly effective way of dealing with interrupters. At a recent country gathering, the usual wit cracked his pointless jokes by demanding that photographs of local celebrities be thrown on the screen, naming the town "bad eggs " "All light, here is yours for a start!" sang out the major. With that he projected the picture of a baboon on the screen. Reminds us of a little mistake made in a country town when prohibition was at white heat. A lantern lecturer was showing a variety of pictures of famous men famous ships, and scenes. * » * "I have here a remarkably fine mature of the wreck of the Royal Georo-e," he explained. His assistant, either by accident or design, slipped in a photograph of Prince George (now Prince of Wales). Believing the lantern man intended a cheap joke, the loyal crowd made an effort to wreck the lantern, but were prevented by the presence of mind of the "general utility" man, who turned the lights out while the lanternist "got."

It could not have been a Wellington lawyer, because all the "devil's own" of this city are "harmless as doves." This particular solicitor had recovered a debt of £15 for a client. He had a good deal of trouble with it of course. Lawyers always do. His client called on him to pay the bill of costs. Mr. Nibs would make it out if the client would take a chair. Mr. Nibs got to work with the typewriter, and discovered it had cost the lawyer a heap of trouble — £7 10s worth, as a matter of fact. The lawyer handed the bill of costs to the client. "As you're an old friend, you know, I kept the charges down," he said, and added: "I knew your father in the early days. As the pale client staggered out towards, the bank he breathed his fervent thanks to heaven that the lawyer had not remembered his grandfather too. # * * The men who write the Home letters for the colonial dailies have been finding it rather difficult to fill up their pages for the last mail. "London," siays one scribe plaintively, "is more out of town than usual," and witih this excuse he proceeds to relate how a friend of his accounted for the recent cold "snap" in the metropolis. It is owing to the large deliveries of New Zealand frozen mutton ' We should hare thought it was 1 on account of the presence of the special co-respondent, for the man who could send a joke like that twelve thousand miles, and expect people to laugh at it, is cool enough to freeze the Gulf Stream. * * # The afternoon train had come to a stop. Passengers wanted to know what was the matter, and were told a "man had fallen off." The fact was, a SAvamp hand had been merrymaking, and had lain down on the line, with his head within a few inches of tihe rails. He was sound asleep, and, when tihe guard shook him up he grunted a protest, rose up leisurely, squatted down on the bank, and wanted to know what tihe fuss was about? As the train moved on, the rudely awakened swamp mudslinger said things about the train, and everyone in it' He wanted a longer sleep, with a marble coverlet.

If the Federal Parliament is deteriorating so far as intellect is concerned., as competent critics declare, at any rate it possesses some quick wits. "How does it happen that your hair is so much greyer than your whiskers?" said one legislator to another, and the answer came back like a flash, "my hair is ever so much older, you know." This reminds us of an incident in tihe Waikato years 1 ago, when the fights used to be between Jackson and Whitaker. Kennedy Hill was on the platform moving a vote of confidence in the Grey Government, when somebody in the corner asked, "Would you put a tax on bald heads ? " Kennedy looked fixedly at the interjector for the fraction of a moment, and retorted, "No, but I'd nut a tax on empty ones." And the man m the corner sat down.

It was on a down train from Dunedin, and there were several women m the carriage. Glancing round at her fellow-passengers, a lady caught sigh b of another of her sex showing unmistakeable signs of grief . The eyes were wet, lips drawn,, the hair somewhat ruffed, and her hands kept clasping and unclasping in a distressing manner. This continued for some little time, and noticing, as she thought, ami appealing look in the face of the bereaved one, the first lady went up to her and asked "Is there anything I can do for you? Have you lost anyone? Are you ill?" The grief-stricken one turned, and, as the tears coursed down her cheeks, and her breath came in short, jerky sobs, she said "I — I've just heard that — that — Auck — Auckland beat 0 — 0 — tago! O-o-o — Oh, dear 1 "

Astonishing to note that in New York State the authorities have prohibited live pigeon shootinp. Perhaps, they w ill yet put a foot dow n on negroburning and lynching, and otner sports of the kind. They may even yet prohibit the skinning of unborn lambs, to make '"astrachan." and other pleasant little customs "necessary" for the due protection of trade. A recently-re-turned traveller from Paris tells us that the "sans culottes" and "chifFonieirs ; ' have varied their industries by selling lilliputian animals. They stop on the boulevards, open a little bag, and pull up miniature lizards, tortoises, and frogs which begin to run about on the pavement, much to the amusement of the crowds. These animals, ■which are about the size of a threepenny piece, are made of cardboard, and on the under-side are glued unfortunate flies, which supply the motive power. It is certainly nearly as cruel as tlie average sticky fly paper. *■ * * The following unique epistle, which is probably a love letter, was picked up last Tuesday morning, at the corner of Willis and Manners streets, and the owner may have the original if she wants it — "Dear Bill, the reasoni I didn't laff when yon laft at me in the Post Office yesterday, was because I hey a bile on my face and I can't laff. But I love you, Bill, bile or no bile, laff or no laff." * * * A well-known brother of the mystic tie, etc., who lives up Newtown, got home with the milk one morning last week, after a sensational experience with the water. He had been to an installation, and the ceremony must have got on his nerves because when he was half-way up Adelaide-road he felt that he must lie down somewhere. Accordingly, he went down a right-of-way, and dropped into a reclining attitude under the walls of a boardinghouse. As 1 the queer feeling did not depart, it occurred to him that he wanted a doctor, and he commenced to summon the whole medical profession of Wellington in a strain that was at once menacing and melodious. It was about 2 a.m. The inmates of the boarding-house at first thought it was cats. Had it been Christmas time, they might have supposed it to be the Waits. * # * One of the inmates opened his window, on the top floor and peered down. The light was dim and uncertain, and all that could be distinguished wos a broad expanse of white (which afterwards turned out to be shirtfront). The sufferer below heard the movement of the window, and shouted, "Why don'tcher come down ? If I wush Prinsh Walesh you'd come down shoon 'nough." The inmate of the house said, "Go away," but the response was a request that somebody should "reshpond to the toast." "Certainly." said the person in thepyiamas, "I'll furnish the wherewithal." Then, with the ewer in one hand, he held out the candle with the other, to locate the reveller. "Thash right; turn on th' limelight; shuits my compleoksh'n,' came the voice. When the ewer was tipped up. there was a splash the noise of a Gargantuan gurgle, and then a scramble and the sound of hurrying feet.

Some months ago the Lance conveyed the information to an admiring world, that a Road Board in the Wairarapa had passed a resolution protesting against the massacres in the Balkan, and decided to send a copy to the Sultan. Very well. That innocent little paragraph galioped through the country, did the coasts, the interior, and elsewhere. It also orossed the Tasman Sea. Showing signs of weariness when it set foot upon its native shores again, it tottered round, and wandered up and down the earth. One day the "New Zealand Times" saw the nearly paralysed little paragraph. It published it. Thanks to the good offices of the morning Mont Pelee, it has become rejuvenated, and is now doing extraordinary sprints up and down these islands. May its shadow never grow less. * * * Another lawyer tale. The learned wig-wearer was cross-questioning a witness eighty years of age. It was an involved' civil action, and it was necessary to tax the memory of the aged witness. As a matter of fact, his brain seemed perfectly clear. The lawyer, however, doubted the value of the testi-

mony of one so aged. Could he recall aii event of say twenty years ago, in proof that his memory was good ? He could. He told the Court that the learned counsel had been a particularly poor boy in an office in H . So poor in fact, that, previous to his examination, the lawyer's father had come to him (the witness) asking him. for the loan of £5 to buy his boy a new suit in which to "sit." "I advanced that money. Your Worship. It has not been returned yet. I submit that my memory is good." His Worship likewise agreed. * * Tall tale about a recently-deceased and much-respected doctor. It was in a Northern hospital, and a lady of a highly nervous temperament was "down" for an operation for the removal of a limb. The surgeons felt that chloroform might be fatal, and were therefore nonplussed as to how they should get that lir-b off. The doctor above-mentioned hit upon a brilliant idea. The patient was informed that she would be operated on tomorrow^ which would sufficiently terrify her, as intended. * * • When the next day came, the beforementioned doctor dressed himself in a butcher's garb, his apron being covered with blood, and armed with an uglylooking butcher's knife, which he was sharpening on an equally large steel he strutted ur> to the patient, who. on seeing the horrifying spectacle, was terrified out of her wits, and went off into a comatose state, during which the surgeons successfully performed the operation before she recovered her senses. Truth is great, and it will prevail. * * * Who does not remember the days when "scabs" and unionists road-metal-led one another? When Australian unionists burnt "blacklegs' " swa— and fired "blackleg" sheds. There were "double-banked" police patrols, and special constables, and all sorts of excitement. The unionist, of course, had a sort of divine right to knock the other fellow about. Union is strength, and might is right, you bet. Every country does not hold with the principle. For instance, a New York judge, in fining a unionist workman for damaging a non-unionist, the other day, said ■ — * * * "You represent a body of men who consider themselves above the law. Every man has a right to sell his labour for what he pleases, and should not be interfered with in so doing. The question of wages is one between the employer and employed, and cannot be dictated by any body of men. This Court will protect the man who ip working for his livelihood, whether he belongs to a union or not. The Constitution guarantees him that right and happiness in its pursuit."

Volunteer tale from one far South. A squad of recruits weie at the range to do thear volley filing. They fired seven shots, at 500 yds, but tile white face of the target was unmarked by the deadly .303. The officer in charge advanced the squad to the 200 yds' range. "Ready' Present' F— i-r-e'" Still, the unsullied target stood to attention,

with never a puncture. The officer, nothing daunted, gave the word "March!" and led them in solid phalanx to the 100 yds 1 range. The last sound, of the word "Fire !" rang out, but still tihe target bobbed not. "Prepare to fix ba — yo-nets ! Ch — a-r-g-g-ei ! It's your only chance!" The marker went home by way of the North Cape.