Entre Nous

Free Lance, Volume IV, Issue 169, 26 September 1903, Page 14

Entre Nous

MR. Stidolph, who is secretary of the Wellington branch of the Veterans' Association, m writing a letter of thanks to the Lance foi the interest exhibited m the old soldiers of the Empire, gives some interesting particulars. He tells us that the Association consists puncipally of aged men, who took part in the opening up of this colony, but the Association has also m its ranks many veterans who have taken part in Britain's wars on land and sea elsewhere. Members pay a contribution of 6d a month, and a collection of one penny per member is taken up at each meeting. The latter is entirely voluntary. The amounts thus gathered are used for working expenses and benevolent purposes among members. Last year the Association sent a veteran to England, paying all his expenses. * * * The committee points out that the Government could materially lighten the declining days of the Empire's old warriors bv selecting from the ranks of the Association men to fill vacancies that might occur as messengers, caretakers, or any light employment. The martial fire that still burns in many a be-medalled heart prompts them to ask for a distinctive uniform. The Association contemplates organising a musical entertainment, military spectacle, and assault-at-arms, which will serve to contrast moderately ancient and modern systems of warfare. The cadet of twelve will show hisi prowess alongside the grizzled veteran of four-score. The keen interest exhibited by His Excellency the Governor in the Association, together with the public enthusiasm in matters military, ' has brotught the hitherto almost forgotten ancients to the front, and the Lance, recognising that it is but a fair return for work done in the building of the Empire, hopes for still greater prosperity for the veteran soldiers of the Empire. * * * "Come here, my son, your hair is net, While all your clothes are dry" The anxious mother held him up, "Now tell the reason why." "I — fell — mto — the — sw imming hole," The mother 'gran to scoff, "Eow did you keep your clothes so dry ?" "Why, ma, I took them off."

Mr. Murphy F.L.S., thinks that school teachers in country district* should be able to give elementary instruction in agriculture. No teacher that I can call to mind wants to be buried in the boggy backblocks, and no teacher would voluntarily take up a study of agriculture when he or she intends getting away from the country as fast as possible. Unless the salaries paid to country teachers exceeds that of town teachers — the sacrifices being greater — nobody will be found to assimilate agricultural know ledge which would prevent him from getting into the higher flights of the profession. If the Department hasi among its teachers good agriculturalists, it would certainly never promote them to the towns, where the knowledge would be of no use. Itinerant experts is the only method to employ. * • * Wellington, aye, the whole of New Zealand, is sown broadcast with inspectors and smellers-out of plague spots, insanitary fowl-houses, and dirty back-yards. Day after day the passerby of the "reclaimed" land near Te Aro railway station is nearly choked by the horrible effluvia arising from decaying oysters and other vileness dumped on the ground as "spoil." In a city of smells, this place is the ponce and pattern for all lesser nuisances. People passing by involuntarily hold their nostrils should the wind be blowing off the sea. Oysters that have been kept in shell until they are decayed produce one of the worst effluvia possible, and it is high time the decayed bivalves and other over-ripe rubbish should be fed to the destructor. * # # The man whose noce is tinted led Like roast-beef underdone, Will always swear the colour's caused Through basking in the sun. * * * Veracious theatrical item from America. A girl in a vaudeville show was required to stand en her head foi five minutes each night. One night she upended herself, and commenced running round like a cat w ith its head in a iam-tin. She was mad. Doctor sad the conformation of her brain had altered, and that if she wanted to ''think straight" she would have to stand on her head ever afterwards to do it. On week-days she stays in an asylum right side up, but on Sundays, when she goes home to see- her friends, she stands on her head in a corner, and converses rationally with them. If this was not on the authority of a great, w r hite>souled American journal, we should bo inclined to doubt its exactness. As it is ' * * * "This pestilence that walketh m darkness — this unenamelled chariot which goeth about by night " An Auckland councillor's mcturesque descuption of a midnight city vehicle.

"Numskull," to the Lance. — "I am satisfied that, notwithstanding National Councils and things, women are not very 'new' after all. Happened to be passing St. Mark's on Monday, and noticed a packed crowd of feminine haits surging up and down. About an acre and a-half of distended eyes and expectant countenances were watching to see something. Some event of extraordinary importance ? No sir, merely a wedding. Laughed a mirthless chuckle because I'm a man — and maimed. Came back later and passed down Cuba-street. Car driver whistled. Looked ahead- same hats, same strained, expectant faces — women — tragedy? No, six. The wedding party as vi the photographer's rooms, getting 'took.' All the feminine population within easy reach were waiting until the" came out. After all, I don't think the average modern woman is losing her feminine traits of character. I approached a policeman. 'What's up here ? ' 'Another poor chap gone to his doom,' Robert mournfully said. If you want to get a real good muster of w omen to talk politics to pet married, and then drive the bridal party straight to the nearest camera to have the group taken " * » * Hero is a belated New Zealand Representative Band story. Some of the bandsmen, who had been in London, "seeing the sights," were one day entraining for the North. One player was in plain clothes, and he had a Noah's Ark of a box he wanted put m the luperaee van. As English porters are forbidden to receive "tips," they don't alw-avs rush passengers. "Here, my man," sang out the New Zealander to person in uniform, 'caftch hold of this bo-^-. Look sharp, now " The man didn't stir. "Here aini't you a conductor 5 " "Yes, 1 ' said the quiet man, "of a band not a train." It was Sousa. •* * * They cany economy of labour and material to considerable heights in the United States. This beats phonetic printing — 2 lovers sat beneath the shade. And 1 un 2 the ether said ' How 14 8 that you be 9 Have smiled upon this suit of mine' If ij a heart it palps for you — - Thy voice is muO melody — 'Tis 7 to be thy loved I.'2 — Say, my nymph, wilt marry me ? " Then lisped she soft, "Wlr/131y." * * * Wellington gazed on a big motor-bus recently imported from Home for Hawke's Bay traffic. "Ugh, I'd rather somebody else ride in it than me'" "What price the smoke!" and so on as they gazed at the smoke stack in close proximity to the seats. It may interest those people who prophesied that it would be a failure, to know that it is being taken to pieces, and that the engine will be used for the unromantic purpose of hauling heavy goods.

You have noticed, of course, that volunteers who insult their officers, do not turn up to soecial parades and that sort of thing: are getting fined? That is perfectly fair, of course. They elect to be soldiers, and ought to be prodded up to their work. The officer, however, A^ho advertises in a Nortiheirn paper "Members of the Mounted Rifles are warned to attend the social given by the ladies of the district, an Wednesday next. Absentees will be fined. , Captain," must be the caterer, suraly ! * * ♦ Touching the fact that the world is small, here is a story illustrating it. Not very long back, when an English aotor of some celebrity was playing at a Southern x heatre, and creating a little fluttering m society, the stage doorkeeper at the theatre in question was interviewed on© night close upon the end of the performance by a Jack Tar off one of the British metn-of-war then in the bay. "Say mister, does Mr. Thespis come out this way when he's leaving the theatre " "Yes," said the doorkeeper. "Would you point . him out to me?" "Oh, yes. Here he is now. That's him with the high hat." * ■* The sailor stepped forward, and confronted the actor. "Good evening," he saad, "Your name's 'ihespis, isn't it 9" "Yes." "You come from , in Lancashire?" "Yes." "Your fulL name is John William Thespis?" "Yes." The Jack Tar continued reciting a few of the conspicuous facts • connected with the actor's early life, and then siaid : "You had a brother Bill. He went away to sea twenty years ago. and you never heard of him after." "Yes, what of l/t?" 'Oh, nothing much, only I'm Bill. I'm your brother who ran away to sea." "Dear me — dear, dear me!" said Thespis, putting up his glass 1 , and looking the tar over. "So you're Bill, aro you? Well, here, Bill, go and have a drink." And the great actor slipped a shilling into Bill's hand, and passed on. * * * It seems hard-hearted, and a bit unsportsmanlike, but the Lance is not sorry that Felix Tanner's tub, in which he threatened to navigate the globe, is broken up on the rock-bound shores of Taranaki. If it is morally wrong and illegal to gamble with coin, it is morally wicked to gamble with life, and no one should be allowed to cast adrift in a walnut shell, go over Niagara in a barrel, loop the loop, or travel in motor-car races at eighty miles an hour. Not, of course, that the Eves of intending record breakers are really valuable to the community. St i- 11, these seekers after fame — or death — have followers. Of course, Felix may build another boat, but the probabilities are he will content himself with the pastime he used to indulge in of hanging himself to a beam, fasting for a week or two. or diving for buried treasure in the depths of the ocean.

About nine months ago twelve capital site exports in Australia hit out from the present capitals with decent pooketsful of good red Commonwealth gold, and searched the country from Wallaroo to the Blue Mountains. They were given a free hand, unlimited expenses, and something in the way of guineas per day for themselves. Curious thing where they gathered their experttness as Commonwealth capital-site seekers. They had 1 a perfectly glorioiuis tame for three months or so, and came back to their respective homes. Australia 1 badly needls irettremchmieint. Therefore, a resolution was recently put in both the Federal Senate and the House of Representatives to hold a conference to select the site that these highly-paid gentlemen have not been able to find. * * • The train was slowing down as it came into Dunedin from Oamaru. There was a young man who wanted to get home to his tea standing on the footboard, waiting to jump off. Others wanted to get to their tea, too, and the young man was bustled so badly that he would have fallen but for the kind offices of the people m the rear. They held on to him, and he dangled for them until the train stopped. Then, with a voice of intense agony, he cried- "Heavens, my leg's gone. Looking down, the scared passengers found that it was even so. "Pick it up, will you?" he entreated. "The bloomin' thing; cost the Government a tenner, and took me two yeaiV letterwritin' to get l " He was am ex-con-tingenter, whose meat leer was reposing under an African kopje. * * • Hawera is going ahead. Dairy horses, draught cows, and thoroughbred Devon racers 1 will be cropping up there soon. List to this advertisement from the Hawera "Star" — "Messrs. Tristram and Co. held a successful horse fair at Eltham on Saturday, greatest demand being evinced for trap horses and horses useful for dairy cows. There was also good demand for halfdraughts, and fair for hacks."

There is a man up Otaki way who is a ' double first" mathematician of Cambridge- At present he is "whacking busih" far bread, bait he is none the worse far that. He is big, and brawny, aoid a great toiler. Up to now, he has been content with fried chops and damper, but, on a recent morning, he thought he would mako a "duff." He arose before the tuneful tui warbled its matin lay, and built that duff. He rolled it in its calico sarcophagus, and hitched it to the ceiling. He would put it on to boil at danner-time. In the meantime, some camp mates removed that duff, and substituted wet sawdust and stones. * * * Our M.A. returned at dinner-time, lovingly out his duff down, dumped it in the bubbling cauldron, and had visions. Anon he prodded that delectable duff with a fork, and brought it forth. Gingerly, and with sparkling eyes, he removed the encircling cloth. A veracious chronicler remarks, in pained pen accents, that the words used on the occasion were not learnt at Cambridge. Also, that when a \vi d ex-mathematician rushed forth to back his anger up with fourteen and al.alC stone of hard bush condition, no one appeared to answer for the. outrage, fn a little graveyard — but, there, w*ny harrow the gentle reader's feelings? * * * Three commercial travellers were recently ' wagging their chins" in the commercial room of the Alhambra Hotel. From the America Yacht Oup and the "Twomey incident," they got down to discussing the probability of the Jonah and 1 the whale story. Having disproved the allegations, they discussed other scriptural incidents. "Now, there's that story about Lot's wife being turned into a pillar of salt. I think that that waa written in credulous times for credulous people. Fact is, I don't believe it !" sadd the one with the scarlet tie. "Oh, I don't know," chipped in the little fellow wearing the macintosh with the turned up sleeves, "I noticed two women going down this very street the other day. They stopped in front

ot a draper's shop and saw a bill stuck up, 'Everything below cost price.' 'What shameless fibs ' said one. Then, the little man went on with hi® smoke, as if he had finished his yarn. "Well?" asked his companions. "Well, see how she was punished for her want of faith. Before she had gone a hundred yards she turned into a restaurant." • * * A gentleman afflicted with epistolary itch writes us endeavouring to prove that New Zealanders are highly imaginative, and that their mental vision magnifies. In proof of his contention., he says, "How many ten by twenty bootshops will you find that are anything but 'boot-palaces' ? Your colonial tailor directs attention to his little place of business by calling it 'The Temple of Fashion.' Even the oolonised Chinaman imbibes the prevailing characteristic by writing 'The Pantheon' over his stacks of oranges 1 . A little rag-shop that is not an 'arcade' looks as if there is something wanting. The only utility the exaggeration can possibly have seems to be that people at a distance, to whom these glorified tradesmen! write, may read the heading of their letters and ponder on the fact that 'Jim has got on !' " * * * As others see us. Melbourne "Punch," on the coming drought • — "District prohibition in New Zealand is not at all to the liking of its supporters, as they succeed in some places and get badly beaten in others. The latest move is a Bill to create the whole of New Zealand into one licensing district, and if it be passed, and the prohibitionists secure a successful vote, there will not be an hotel in the entire country. In such an event, we venture to predict that it will become the most drunken smuggling hole in all God's creation." "Punch" must surely forget that our moral rectitude is so pronounced, and 1 growing so rapidly, that when prohibition really does come it will only be because everyone has voluntarily forsworn the "cursed drink." * * * Ping-pong has not died out yet. Australia holds its inter-State representative matches soon. They will have representative teams to play "blind-mam's buff" vet, or cry out because more Southern than Northern mnn wero included m the "Ring-a-ring a rosy" team for E no-land. * * A propos of ping-pong, an Australian scribe yells — "Those absurd pingpongers, not content with instituting competitions amongst themselves, have just held an inter-State match. An inter-State ping-pong mateh — ye gods of sport' Some half-dozen grown men have had nothing else to do but come to Sydney all tihe way from Brisbane, to plaiv at the match and swagger round with straw hats' labelled with a big : Q.' Australia has not much chance of defeating Maoriland at football whife its young men gad about from State to State after the ping-pong championship." New Zerland exorcises an influence on the people of Australia. A Sydney football te^jni recently went to Bcga, to play the local teron. Thc^ were greeted with the war cry, and responded with their own, in which they acknowledge having learnt something from Maoriland "Hoop-ray, hoop-ray, hoopray kiora, Bega, kiora, yah'"

The success that attends the pupils of Miss E. Caries and Mrs. J. F. Gunman's School of Shorthand is again noticeable by the largo number of passes obtained in thio last theoretical examination and speed tests, the results of which are just to hand. Out of a total of thirty-four papers which went Home, no less tihan thirty-two passed, and have received certificates of merit from Sir Is^ac Pitman and Sons, England, as follows . — Spaed. — Miss Kitty Dickson., 150 words per minute ; Miss Louie Reddy, 110 ; Misses Beatrice Ferguson, Winnie Low, Edith Hornby, I>oris Simikin, and Mr. Styles, 90 , Misses Lottie Carmich&el, Edith Chittey. Bessie Stevens, Nellie Simpson, Sophie Morrell, Alice Price, Elsie Johnstoae, and Bertha Reeve, 60. Theory. — Misses Sophie Morroil, Jessie Waters, Lottie Carmichael, Edith Chittey, Bessie Stevens, Olive Ellison, Edith Hornby. Maude Wheeler, Maud Wilkining, Nellie Simpson. Alice Price. Bella Ross, Emily Newman. Gladys Kenny, Alice Quinney, Mr. T. E. Parry, and Mr. Turner. Comment on the principals of this school is unnecessary, as the large number of pupils who pass each year, and the various positions obtained 1 by them, amply demonstrate their capabilities. Beginners and students desirous of obtainino- Pitman's certificates should take, this favourable opportunity of doing so as there will bei at least two more examinations before the end of tho year. * * * Messrs:. Stewart Dawson and Co. have opened up some high-classi silver-plat-ed ware, suitable for wedding gifts, and respectfully wish to draw attention to their advertisement in this issue. Miss Zana Maher advertises a grand classical concert by herself and pupils, to be held in the Sydney-street Schoolroom, on Friday, 2nd October, under the patronage of the Countess of Rian* furly, Mrs. Seddon, His Worship the Mayor, and others. Long-distance pigeon shooting is becoming more popular. Modern ammunition and modern shooters favour the long "rise." Mr. A. W. Bales, shooting from the extreme limit (33yds), recently again won the right-out trophy competition at the New South Wales Gun Club's grounds. He used the Colonial Ammunition Company's "Bluerock" cartridge, loaded with lioz shot, and the company's patent concave wadding. Seventy-five per cent, of the shooters winning pigeon matches with the Colonial Company's ammunition have been long-distance men, a circumstance that proves the accuracy of loading and hard-hitting capacity of the cartridges.