It Is Town Talk

Free Lance, Volume IV, Issue 168, 19 September 1903, Page 26

It Is Town Talk

—That Johnsonvdle is going ahead. It is forming a socahst party. V\ ill it donuna L e politics 2 —That the difieience between King Edward and a policeman is lJs lid. One is a copper, and the other a sovereign. —That quite a lot of iewellery losers will be annoyed at the value nut on their treasures bv the police who reoovered it. That no matter fiow loose an engagement ring may be, the diamond never slips round on the inside ot a lady's finger. That a project is afoot to make Rotorua edible—and medical mud into lozenges for expoit. It will cuie almost anthmg but squint That a country young lady, about to be married, was the other day entertained by her friends, and presented with a hot-water kettle. Ominous ' —That the meddlesome letter-writer, with spleen to gratify, was the wretched cause of losing a popular and wellpaid business man his appointment this week. — That Bishop Nehgan, has applied to join the Rugby Union Referees' Association. He is all right on the whistle, and says he knows something of '•footy " — That it will not convince the farm labourers of New Zealand that they are well paid when they hear that Amenca's w heat men are giving negroes and others 25s a day — That humour cannot keep out of the gravevaid even. "How does ''Rest till I come," strike- you as a motto for a gravestone erected bv a sorrowing widow ? — That the chief detective at Chnstchurch has found out that a prohibition order is no use, mid that it centrally gets everybody who has anything to do with it into trouble. — That an up-country town has organised a citizen patrol, to cope with the persons who they believe are responsible for frequent fires. Those "undesirables" again ' — -That, as anticipated by the Lance, the 3d per head rat bonus in Auck ] and induced many ' rat farms" to come into existence The "scalp" money is no r v stopped. — That science is progressing. A learned body lately thrashed out the question "What are the points of resemblance between the spotted adder and the common flea ?" — That a Wellington man is proudly exhibiting a huge tiger's skin, taken from, a bear he shot in New South Wales. It may be a relative of Mr. E M. Smith's "Russ'an tiger." — That the Zionist Congress had no need to prospect the world for a site for the New Jerusalem when Johannesburg lies ready to hand owned and controlled by the Chosen People. — That Queensland Parliament avoids unparliamentary language. "Tell us something about swine fever'" said one member, savagely. "Why ain't yOuv O u feeling well?" politely asked another — That many policemen are duty struck. One constable up the line, who caught a noor boy picking up pieces of coal from the railwa"- track, ran him in, and gave him — a wheelbarrow full. — That a poor Australian lad who saved a< grocer's daughter from dorwnmg, was rewarded with a half-dozen tins of fish, the boy is dead, and the rest of the family only slowly recovering. — That Australia is a nice country foi the gay Lothario A man charged with bigamy was recently released under the First Offenders' Act. If he marries any more wives he will probably get fined. — That the follow ing advertisement from a country paper suggests the gentle persuasiveness of the religionists of bygone times • — "A lady wants to sell her piano as she is going abroad n a strong iron frame." — That the birth-rate still declines. One go-ahead church, in a Northern town, has lately had the telephone laid on, so that doctors whose attentions have been so much m request, may be called u - during service. — That Dr. Parkin, our recent Canadian visitor, *ias gone to see Waimanq:u. The papers fail to notify that he has already gazed ur>»n our greatest natural wonder — the Hutt-road It beats Venice easily — 'for mud and water.

— That athletics increase; the size of a woman's biceps, but reduce the size of her feet. So says Sandow . — That nearly every town c-f oidinarv size in New Zealand — except Wellington — has a monument to fallen soldieis. —That prophet Homsby, ex-M.H.R. "tipped," in November 1902 Mr. John Duthie as leader of the Opposition m the present Parliament. — That recently a country J P. signed a warrant for his own arrest. Some joker wanted to see if it was leally tiue he could read and write. — That the wily drunk understands human nature. One of him addressed a piesiding J.P. the other day as "My Lord." Warned, and discharged. — That the rumour, published in a Southern paper, that Ms H.R. were voting supplies of postage stamps, to be used during vacation, lacks coniirmartion. — That the dreadful drink is still sending its victims to the asylum. Latest is a publican, retrenched to noverty by the strong right hand of prohibition. — That, in a recent sly-grog case, in the King Country, the defendant said that there was 250 per cent, mofit on whisky. There must be a tolerable profit on water too. — That a clever person raised a cry of "fire'" last Sunday in a Southern church Everyone rushed outside but himself. He slid out at the back — • w ith the collection^, — That one day last week a Wellington tram started from Newtown, to schedule time and got to its destination also to scale. Somebody ought to get a purse of sovereigns. — That a recent- visitor to Wellington, from England, asked where "that magnificent Queen's statue we heard so much about at Home" was. We thought the "shameful ep\sode" was forgotten. — That the professional man, who is goiar about telling people he "kicked a six-footer out of his office," should have w aited until he himself could sit down w ith comfort before "giving himself away." — That, after the expenence of a fat local citizen, who has talien one of those jeriy-built subuiban shops, and who recently fell through an upstans floor other tenants intend living in the basement. — That during the week at least six herbalists and clairvoyants throughout the country have been arrested for having no lawful and visible means of support. The methods are unlawful, and then means invisible. — That a mysterious strangei who hinted pretty freely that he was a detective, fared sumptuously, and drank many fiee beers m a little nearby town, and then started out to look for his ciiminal. He is going yet. — That a local man, having seen the enor of his ways by going to a Wellington church, has just sent 5d conscience money to a Government Department. It will cost about 15s to acknowledge that man's dreadful honesty. — That a young; Wellmgtonian, who made a sensation in his own little circle recently by mistaking somebody else's money for his own, is now "on the .stage" — carrying bricks for a Northern contractor. He is climbing the ladder. — That, for callous brutahtv and all that kind of thing the action of a Southern man, who advertised for a w lfe before his prevailing spouse was dead, is hard to beat. Desperate diseases require desperate remed^s, he says. — That a late Bedfordshire^ paper has a picture of "the new lifeguards' barracks in Kaiwarra, the delightful capital of New Zealand." Somebody has been ' pulling their leg " Not that humoious "Navy and Army" man, we hope ? — That a new -chum parson recently borrowed a prohibitionist's horse to take him to a country church It is a fact that that prohibition horse would not go past the first hotel. In the woids of the diplomatists, "It is significant." — That English wool merchants are honest. One recently returned, ~er legistered parcel post, addressed to a Hawke's Bay station-owner, a pair of greasy bluchers, found in a bale of New Zealand wool. Probably, a "tarboy's" joke — That a girl in the public service, who quite distinguished herself at school, won her present postion bv brains. She has been using them to w rite envelones for three years now. Competitive examinations are absolutely necessary. — That the air of courts produces "that tired feeling." An usher went to sleep in a certain Supreme Court lately. Around he staggered towards the learned judge with extended bible, and offered to administer the oath. The judge did not swear.