Entre Nous

Free Lance, Volume IV, Issue 168, 19 September 1903, Page 14

Entre Nous

BISHOP NELIGAN, of Auckland, who visited Wellington the other day, made a point of going to Ponrua, m order to examine the working of the asylum. He found many sad eccentricities among the patients. One patient, for instance, engaged in a working gang who were gardening, insisted on wheeling his barrow up-side-down. Now, it the Bishop could induce this poor soul to turn it up the right way ' ''Why don t you turn your barrow up the other way, my man?" he asked kindly. ".Not much," replied the patient, who, if he was mentally deficient on some PP ints > certainly knew a thing or tw o ; "I aid that yesterday, and the beggars filled it with sand !" * * • "From Bail to Bench" would form an appropriate title to a life-story of Judge Jones, of Gisborne. He is the not-very-anciemt Poverty Bay lawyer who has recently been appointed District Land Registrar, Judge of the Native Land Court, and President of the Maori Land Council. The other night Gisborne gathered together, and gave the new judge a gold watch, and he told them that twenty-five years before he had come to Gisborne as a poor boy, and had engaged in the enchanting profession of "cow spanking." The learned judge said that there was no position in New Zealand that a poor boy or girl could not aspire to. * ♦ * Mr. Jones belongs to the great Liberal Party. In fact, it was the Liberals who gave him the gold watch. The facetious luminary said that in "those cow-spanMng days he had got the sack after persuading the wily buffalo for two days," but he would not go, and so grew up to be a lawyer, and subsequently a judge. From what we can gather, the ueople of Gisborne feel good about Judge Jones. * * * Boys with aggressively clean collars and girls with beautiful curls, are very much im evidence in the oity and else>where at present. The fact is, the great annual event in the lives of scholars and teachers is taking place- — the examinations. A propos, one of the State school examiners forwards three definitions from the pen of an aspiring youth in, the Wairarapa- — "A buttress is a woman who makes butter ; a ruminating animal is one that chews its cubs , Esau was 1 the gentleman who wTote a lot of fables, and sold the copyright for a mess of potash." * * » The golden-toothed Sultan of Johore. who came to Australia to buy horses and notoriety, and who passed out of Australian life to the regret of all who knew his dusky majest^ threatens to go upon the stage. He came in contact with so many nice people in green rooms and places that he hates to go back to his oalace. The "Johore Vaudeville Company" ought to be a good draw.

There is a man with fire in his eve wandering about this city. A Maori called at his private lesidence the other night, and told a tale of woe, punctuated by sighs, and tears, the monotonous dripping of the lather on the verandah finally getting on to the city man's soft, spot. It was only a case of temporary financial embairassment on the Maori's part — wanted to assuage the clamourings of the man with the slate behind the bar, probably. But he told a tale of suffering and hunger, and produced his wife's two rings, winch sparkled with valuable stones under the glare of the hall light. Betw een his sobs he assessed their value at £6, but only wanted a pound. He would come back some day next month, and buy them back for £4. * * * The pakeha. who, by the way, would feel insulted if you suggested that he knew nothing of the arithmetical problem mixed up with beans, eventually purchased the two for eierht shillings. and, as the Maori vanished in the gathering gloom softly and melodio-us-Iy came the words , "Kapai, the pakeha; I come back soon." He won't come back. An Assyrian expert in precious stones next day assessed the value of the rin^s at 4d each. Hence the fire in the pakeha's optics. * * # Lines dedicated bv a Wellington young lady to a youth of aristocratic birth, whose assinine tendencies have found full scope in society • — He may have "neither wit nor words " He needs them not, for he, In cases of emergency Can climb his Family Tree ' * * * When the railways in the South Island w ere under the control of the respective Provincial Governments, it used to be remarked that, whereas on the Canterbury side of the Waitaki the notices on the level crossings read, "Please shut this gate," those on the Otago side read, "Shut this gate." The omiesion of the small expression of courtesy was supposed to differentiate the Scotch character from the English. The Scots stoutly denied 1 this, and ascribed the circumstance to accident. A r ery likely they were right, and' it is probably accident that prompted the general manager of the Auckland electric tramways, who is a Dane, to admonish the tram passengers, "Not to expectorate in the oars," while the Auckland City Council puts up a notice in the Public Library stating that "Anyone spitting on the floor w ill be prosecuted." Carrie Nation, the American lady, whose saloon-smashing capers have become world celebrated, has been at it again. They were playing a drama with drink in it in a Tennessee playhouse a while back. Carrie was tihere. She went "behind" to plead wdth the actors should they perchance be addicted to old rye. In one part the villain induces, by revolver threats, the lovely heroine to partake of the deadly "bug juice." Here was Carrie's chance. She asked a stage-hand if the drink was "sure enough pisen?" 'It air!" he said. With one dramatic bound, Carrie sprang forward, and dashed the cup of cold tea from the hands of the trembling girl. The stages-hand was under the boards grinning horribly. Carrie found out too late that she had been duped, and if she gets that "tarnation super waal there's gom' to be a vacancy at that playhouse."

We had the temerity to suggest last week that the New Zealander loves fighting. A propos, on Saturday morning last a doctor's gig bowled rapidly round Bowen-street corner. There were some youngsters, ranging in age from seven to twelve, playing. One little chap was not quite smart enough to get out of the way, and the trap bowled him over. A near-by chemist, seeing the accident, left his shop, and picked the boy up. He found that the wheel had passed over his neok, causing an extensive abrasion. He bathed him, and bandaged his neck, giving him some lollies and the advice, "Now, run away home, son, and go to bed." "No fear," exclaimed that seven-year-old New Zealander ; '"I'm gomjr up to Jim's. There's going to be d fight there'" » * * There was a young lady of Siam, Who saad to her lover named Priam • "If you kiss me, of course, You will have to use force. But you know you are stronger than I am." * * * A propos of the waning birth-rate, a little Newtown girl, who is the only child of her narents, is not at all pleased wth the honour. At least, recently, m answer to kind enquiries, she told the enquirer that she had several sisters and brothers. Her mother leictured her on the sin of un-i truthfulness. "Well, mum," she said, "if I had told him you only had one child he^d have thought we were ver^ poor." * * * Where are we? Who are we? Are we at all? Well, ask our English, cousins, who publish things "about us. Here is an illuminating extract from an English paper, which should shed some light on us • — "From Caledonia, New Zealand, there recently arrived the Danish steamship Kronbory. Previous to loading at Caledonia she had been to Australia, and at the Austra- , lian port the sailors, to a man, secured a pet. There were two wild Cat®, a brace of ti^er cubs, a kangaroo of no very amiable disposition, a sm.aU colony of monkeys, and several black p/arrots with white top-knots:" , * * * , It is then, related that the animals,]'' suddenly broke out, an,d led 5 by joftboi the cats, took possession 'of ' the sihip. Even the kangaroo showed a desire to be revenged on his captors. The tiger cubs were especially vicious, and full of fight, while the monkeys stold the potatoes, climbed the mast and rigging;, and bombarded the crew. After a day's fighting the animals were secured, according to the person who wrote the story, harmony reigned again, and the unparalleled collection of beasts arrived safely in England. The locaktv of Caledonia and the Australian port where tigers and monkeys abound were, unfortunately, not mentioned.

Shakespeare's epitaph, placed on his tomb at Staff ord-on-Avon, reads : "Kind fren-d, for Jesus sake forbear© to dig the dust encloased heare. Blese be Y manY spares these stones, And curst «£"? J moves my bone «-" Adelaide yuiz, which is published in the "city where certain dootors have recentlyundexgone trial for the exhumation of bodies of blackfellows and others, thinks this is an appropriate time to quote it. * * * Victor Dalv is now luxuriating in the pastime of finding out, per obituary notices, what a fine poet he used to be before he died, and how sad the world is that he passed away at the Solomon Islands without knowing anything about it. The killing of celebrities by the press is getting common. If a paper notes an obituary about a celebrity, it thinks up all the yarns it knows about the personage, and by the time the dead man has finished his holidays, and gets back to work, he finds a heap of "facts" about himself that sends his stock up 75 per cent. * * • Keep your eye on your teeth. A Marlborough lady, who removed her molars, and put them on the mantelpiece while she had dinner, at the house of a friend, on searching for the ornamental articles, found them not. Mary Jane had been "cleaning up," and had swept them into the fire. Expensive fuel. * * * The constable in a little coastal town but a cannonr-shofr from the capital of Qtago, recently heard tremendous firing out at sea- The Russians had come at last ! He tightened hia belt, gathered up a. select body of first reserves, • and hit out for gjory. He would be in time to catch Isooffovitch as he landed. Racing down the beach toad 1 at the top of his speed, with his fifteen stone of good-living wobbling in the zephyr .foef charged recklessly into the heart of tjhe firing. It was a suburban sausage machine, run by a gas engine which had gone "bung," and refused to do anything but explode. His V.C. is v deferred. * * It is really not such an awful catasfirophe for a 'newspaper to have to show cause to ifoe "House" for having committed a fereaoh of the standing orders by niaking -a "scoop" of news. The public do not regard the editor or the reporter as criminals, and the chances are the reporter grins, and the editor roars. There is Mr. Samuel Saunders, for instance, editor of the "Lyttelton Times " which paper recently committed a breach of privilege. When Mr. Saunders heard of this awful thing, he wired to the Press Gallery sufficient wealth to effect a comprehensive "shout," and the said Gallery drank his health to the musical strains of "Sammy, me old friend, Sam." A paper doesn't get advertisements of the breach of privilege kind every day.

What comes from Westport? Coal, of course. Every third-class youngster knows that. Awful, therefore, to learn, per a Westport paper, that the post and telegraph staff of that coaly town have to go without fires now they have burnt their allowance, unless they like to buy some themselves. As the staff is composed largely of millionaires, of course it is only fair that they should disburse some of their wealth. * * * Some men are so funny. They are born that way. One smart fellow, of the Empire City's upper flight, who has worn a beard since he could grow one, recently thought it would be comic to shave it off in order to play a practical joke on his wife. He turned up in a bald-faced condition at a local shivoo, and was introduced, under an assumed name, by an accessory, to his wife. The wife didn't recognise him, not she, and snubbed him unmercffully. Also, she flirted outrageously with the accessory, while the husband chewed an imaginary moustache m red-hot aacrer. When the moustacheless man eot home, she wasn't there. As a matter of fact, she had penetrated the ioke at once, and punished him not only by pretending to flLrt with the accessory, but by going: to "live with mother" for a couple of days. He is letting that noble beard sprout again. * * * The fame of Pastor Ries, of Dannevirke, spreads. Here is a word sketch of him from a Bush scribe • — "He is the boss rooster of Sawdust City, is a wiry wide-awake Dane, the possessor of incalculable superfluous energy. He was educated in Germany, and has travelled all over the globe. This 1 ambitious parson is up to every move under the sun — from gospel-purveying to working a snug little deal, and he never loses a chance of catching the eye of the public. He is a man of original ideas, and striking personality, being quickly identified by his conical-shaped head, tussocky beard shrewd eyes, inspiring physiognomy and foreign accent. * * * "It is said he was once almost discarding the black robe for the garb of a Wall-street broker. On statute law he is simply great. Parson Ries' great ambition is to be our future M.H.R. Under his regime we are to have a hospital of our own, electric trams to Weber, abattoirs, and no more stagnant drains and stinking cesspits." * • • Englishmen in Africa, who have performed some special kind of work all thedr lives, if asked if they can build a house, say "No" immediately. New Zealanders, on the other hard, "tackle anything." They don't always come out on top in their maiden efforts at a new trade and, consequently in the humbler branches) of industry, very often "No colonial need apply." This feet reminds us of a yountr Wellingtonian, who was down on his luck, and who wen* up the Wairarapa to "tackle anything." He found a farmer who was looking for this kind of handy man. The farmer gave him a brace and bit, and set him on to bore wire holes in a line of fence posts. Having given him a start, he went to his own work.

Half au hour later, the man came to him The bit was no crood. It wouldn't bore. Tho farmer took it, and rapidly drilled a hole in a neighbouring tree. The bit was a good one. He asked the Wellington lad to show him how he bored a hole. The city chap who was left-handed, had been turniner the brace the wrong way for half-an-hour' * * *• We spoke a piece last week about Tommy Walker, the South Australian aboriginal, whose bones have turned up in Glasgow . Tommy was a mimic, and "Quiz" tells how the sable sinner used to "take off" the prevailing stipendiary magistrate. "Guilty or not guilty?" Tommy would say "Not guilty. " "Then you're fined five bob without the option," he would add quickly. It was funny to see the dusky Tommy dancing around an Afghan with clenched fists, shouting, "Come on. you blooming nigger' Come on!" One night Tommy was coming up Hindley-street, the whole dark tribe following, jabbering incessantly at the top of their voices. Tommy turned round indignantly, "Shut up dere Dyer want people to think w-e're Irish'" The Irishman who could give points to Tommy when he was inclined to "yabber" isn't born yet. * * * The modesty of colonials abroad is positively overwhelming. Newspaper people find things out, though. Remember how Colonel Porter would not mention the five bullet wounds he was suffering from, and how the interviewer found out? Colonial singers seem to get into the press absolutely without knowmr it. Of one Australian lady, who went Home to try her voice on the great heart of London, "M.A.P. says: — "Concernmr- Miss Rooney. we learn that she is 'a thoroughbred, out-and-out Cornstalk, and a grand horsewoman, an excellent shot, and can throw a boomeranc like a blackfellow ; in fact is an excellent all-round athlete, and her friends say that as a swimmer she has few rivals.' and that 'mentally she is no less richly equipped, for, as a student, she took high honours in classics, mathematics, model and geometrical drawing and painting.' " As a matter of fact, it is a structural impossibility for a woman to put her hand back far enough to throw a boomerang. Also, there has not existed, up to now, a single white man who could use the blaokfellow's weapon with even the most elementary success. * *• • We live in a very respectable flat, But it's so disagreeably small ; In fact it's so tiny we come to see that It's best to turn round in the hall. My wife doesn't view with rapturous glee A life of such awful restraint ; But she never complains, for the reason that she Has not any room for complaint.