AFTERNOON TEA GOSSIP

Free Lance, Volume IV, Issue 164, 22 August 1903, Page 6

AFTERNOON TEA GOSSIP

By Little Miss Muffitt.

An itch for murder. Of the thirty principals in the Servian tragedy, no less than twenty-four had names ending in ''itch." # * * Tragic paragraph from a country paper "—"A duck egg weighing 6i ounces was left at this office on Saturday." If the editor was unable to dodge the missile he has my sincere sympathy. * * * An Australian paper refers to the Hon. Mahuta, etc., as the "present head of the Maori race." It is lucky for the paper that several dozen rangitiras of equal rank, and weighing about twenty-stone each, are not in Sydney at this moment. * * * Boware of tomatoes. It is alleged that the seeds if eaten may cause appendicitis. Americans, learning this, started out to produce a seedless "love apple." They claim to have done it. In my innocence, I want to know how they propose to propagate a seedless fruit ? * * * Illuminating advertisement from a country oaper . "Empty flasks and haJfflasks will be purchased at the Hotel, in an^ ouantitv." It seems to indicate, that "finest Scotch," carefully bottled by the distillers, is obtainable at that hotel. How the alcohol question will permeate our literature. * * * A Balclutha literary society asked itself recently. "Does recent' legislation tend to foster individual effort?" "Recent." of course means within the last ten years. Have you ever watched a 00-operative labourer, and have you noticed whether the North Island Trunk railway line has got here yet ? * * * A five-pound note is not a work of art. Therefore it cannot be raffled. A wedding-cake is a work of art, consequently it may be. Two cases decided by Mr. Greenfield, S.M., at Palmerston. Personally, I think the decision is a libel on the work of the engravers. Bakers won't call themselves "tradesmen" any more. "Flour artists" ? * * » Some of the snap-shots> of matches in which "our boys" have recently been playing, and published in Australian papers, were splendid. Some of the crowd however, won't care about the publicity. In one especially distinct picture, I notice a gentleman, immaculately dressed, evidently oheeiring wildly, and waving his hat in the air with his right hand. His left hand is deeply inserted in a near-by lady's pocket ! * * * In Australia it has become necessary to open schools for the teaching of society manners. Here you may learn that it is positively horrid to eat pears with a knife, and ungentlemamly to carry away buns from dinner in your coat-tail pockets. You are taught to bow, and the art of politely talking about nothing in particular. One "college" offers to turn you out fit for a Government House crush in three months, at a hundred pounds a month ! * ¥- * I wonder why people who drink enormous quantities of alcohol don't die? They ought to. according to the lucid showing of the prohibitionists. A man who turned up to answer the usual charge m an Auckland police court the other day, said "he didn't knows as he had bin what you might properly call drunk yer see." "How many 'beers' did you consume?" asked the stern magistrate. "Ninety-nine'" solemnly asserted the tank. Then he demanded that he should be photographed as a wonder. * * * We possess advantages denied to our forefathers. This was made apparent to me by the simple question of a little Kaiwarra youngster the other evening. The boy was reading the dadly paper, and came across the sentence, "Like Shylock. he demands his nound of flesh." Looking up at his father, he queried • "Dad, who was Shylock ?" "Great goodness. boy," replied the horrified parent, "you attend church and Sunday-school every week, and don't know who Shylock was? Go and read your Bible, sir]"

It seems there is a police college in the Russian capital, where candidates for the service go through a course of instruction, and learn how to commit robberies, pick pockets, and so forth. What is wanted in this colony is a college where the police can be taught how to catch the authors of the robberies. * * * Miss Adele Marie Shaw, who is getting something of a reputation as a humorous writer sketches a boy doing an English history paper. This is what was decipherable "The Abdioasion of James ll.— The English people had born a grate dccl from James 2nd, but when at last lie gave birth to a son they said this thing must end." * * A propos of the contention that the presence of bluegums dissipates fever germs, it is interesting to recall the fact, that a base-camp at Keppelfontem, in the Transvaal, was pitched in a twenty-acre bluegum plantation. Up to the time when the whole plantation was cut down for firewood, there were no fever cases. The camp stood for eighteen months. * * » There is a slight press agitation down South in favour of recognising the work done by Mrs. Sheppard, the lady to whom we owe the women's franchise, before she leaves the colony. The prohibitionists should give her a purse of sovereigns, for their position would still be one of ignominy had not the w omen's votes made the brewer quake — a quake, by the way, that is doing him good. Mr. J. A. Dowie, the winced prophet of Zion, has been charged with some taradiddles as 1 to his experiences in Australia, his latest being that he was offered a portfolio bv Sir Henry Parkes. As a matter of fact, it is> said when Dowie was on the " the other side" there was not one man in every ten thousand who was aware of the fact. A 9 a preacher, his influence may be indicated by the fact that the collection plate rarely left him much more than a a week. * * * I blush for Dunedin, for I have hitherto regarded the Scotch as possessing souls scrubbed to a lily w'hate>ness. I learn that a Dunedin firm has been in the habit of sending into the country extensive orders of Worcestershire sauce. As the little town oouldi not drink all the Worcestershire sauce, the police smelt — grog. There was but one layer of sauce. The underneath layers were "old Scotch." The consignee was fined £20. Who was the big-ger sinner, the buyer or the seller ? * * * Bew^are of microbes in a kiss, Cold-hearted science eries 1 Alas' where ignorance is bliss, What folly to be wise. * # * The action of the ladies who interviewed the Premier about those "disabilities" has stirred up a host of other ladies into using ink-pots. One woman dashes into the subject, under the title, "Our Shrieking Sisters." "I'm, sure you all feel ashamed of our sex," she declares. "Do those people represent the women of New Zealand 9 I hasten to say emphatically no l They are nothine more or less than a discontented band of Amazons. I would like very much to be granted a glimpse of their respective homes. * * * "Who is doing the housework whilst they are sadding round the country and what is going on at home ? Who is taking the mother's position in the house, and who is dispensing the authority every well-conducted home requires? Have they any children 9 If so, what have they done with them during their tour, And so on, in the same strain, which 1 I think is quite uncharitable. * * # A quaint Salvation Army meeting episode. The gaslight became dim. The shilling's worth had "petered" out. The "captain" w r as in the middle of an earnest appeal to his hearers. "Wrll some brother put another shilling m the slot ?" he asked. Evidently no brother had a shilling. There was gloom for five minutes , then one backslider groped his way to the meter, inserted the nimble shilling, and gave the pointer a turn. The suddenness of the transformation revealed Brother A and Sister B • in amiable juxtaposition, but the captain had not. noticed it. He went on with the business of the meeting. Reading from a paper he held in his hand, he announced that on the following Sund'av the marriage of Brother A — — and Sister B would be solemnised. And the laugh that filled the building "w as distinctly secular.