ENTRE NOUS

Free Lance, Volume IV, Issue 161, 1 August 1903, Page 14

ENTRE NOUS

MR. Dunbar Sloane is not an actor, although his artistic appeal ance, ctean - shaven face and centrally - parted hair might lead one to suppose that he could be tragic on occasions. As a matter of fact, the only acting he has done is behind the scenes of a chemist s shop, and for a young man in his early twenties he has made a bid for pharmaceutical fame Young Dunbar commenced his professional life with that handsome debonair, Auckland druggist, Mr. Graves Aicken * * * Mi-. Aioken is a man from whom it seems an honour to receive a soothing oowder. He has such a distinguished air. This air has descended on his pupil, Mr. Sloane, who has the suave grace of a Chesterfield, or words to that effect. He was fortunately able, after having served with Messrs. William. Barraud and So»s, to purchase the Thorndon Pharmacy, where, barring the times he has put in on the windswept plateau of the Athletic Park, he may be found at the receipt of custom. Then, too, some of the leading doctors of Wellington have given him their patronage which is not a bad thing t» have when a druggist wants to make a name for himself. * •* * A hotel story. A youth, who wore a hat with a strange device, denoting that he was a footballer, came down from the Wairarapa to Wellington last week. Anxious to see an old mate, he rushed round to his hotel. He asked the porter w here Mr. was. "Oh, he's ]ust gone upstairs. Sing out to him." "Hello, Jack, are you upstairs p " "Yes, but I can't comedown for a minute "he said, sticking his head out of the bathroom door, which was iust at the top of the first short flight. "Oh just slip on something, and come down 1 " Just then, Jack slipped on a piece of soap, and "came down." There was a warm welcome for him in the hall. * » * It happened at a well-known restaurant some time ago. Brown — well, we will call him Brown — had ordered crayfish, and was about to commence his repast when three young men, who had been dining "not wisely, but too well," seated themselves at the same table. One of them evidently a youth of keen wit, espying the crayfish said to his friend "Pass the salad please." The friend calmly passed Brown's crayfish. The imp broke off a leg, and gravely returned the plate, with profuse thanks. Brown dines otherwise now.

New Zealand is getting better known. A Natahan who recently visited us, is. now in Durban, and has been writing to the papers. He doesn't like us. Evidently, he is under the impression that Natal has wrested the position of the anointed from us. He says that "Anywhere south of Auckland is unnt for human habitation." He, unlike the remainder of humanity does not like the New Zealander. "The New Zealander proper," he says, "is the most narrow-minded, ignorant, and bigoted pei-son on the face of the earth, lhey are, however great hands at 'doing down' a stranger, and talk of it the rest of their lives. They have very little idea of the value of money, and if they make £-3 at a race meeting:, it is a fOlf 01 tune. They can then afford to go on the 'bust' for from three to six months. * * * ' The greatest industry of the place is horse-racing. There is usually a meeting Tuesday, Wednesday, and Saturday even 7 week, ten months in the year, with pony races, trotting races, hack laces, or a ooursing match between Football or cricket must be attended to every Saturday afternoon, and yachting every Sunday, through the summer." He speaks of some contracts that he alleges, came under his notice "One drainage contractor broke the ground at the bottom, and then laid in one pipe. He then disturbed the surface at the other end, and put in another pipe got it passed, and got his money, and it was not found out for some time, till it was to be extended. *■ * "Another had to lay a drain through rocky ground, so, to save breaking out the lumps of rock that came m the w ay, the contractor knocked holes m the pipes, and laid them over, so that they looked all right from the top. Yet another, who did not get so far as to get his money, like the other tno, laid about 100 pipes, spiggot to spiggot, and flange to flange, alternately, and when told to taise them up and lay them properly asked if the engineer wanted to ruin him." That narrator would have made a perfectly lovely war correspondent ' * * * A former member of the Wellington Education Board is very fond of telling a little tale about himself. A rather important commercial ease was to be heard. It was in the preGarvey days, and the "good men and true" weie gathered together. The hero of this story was chatting to the chief gaoler. One well-known commercial man was challenged. Turning to the chief gaoler, our friend remarked in surprise, "Good gracious ; fancy challenging Mr. Haybittle. He's an intelligent and honourable business man, and w ould be just the kind of juryman to help decide the merits of a commercial case." "Ah," replied the gaoler, "they don't want intelligent men on the iury. When the panel is finally decided on, you'll find that they are the most unintelligent lot of men you can possibly gather together." Just then our ex-Education Board friend's name was called. He was not challenged'

A policeman's life is not a happy one always. Sometimes, however, the policeman's path is studded right along with roses of a large size. At Tapanui lately, in a sly-grog case, the exhibits compused many bottles of whisky and a fine assortment of wines.. Mark you, that this is a prohibition district, and that the combined hp-smacking when the exhibits came to view could be heard in the next county. A constable gave evidence. The Court told the constable, who didn't appear to be a prohibitionist to sample the whisky. Every eye bulged from its socket. The man in blue smiled, reached for his pocket-knife (which contained a corkscrew!), and. having; opened a bottle, took a good draught, and said it was whisky. As if the crowd didn't know ! He found that each of the bottles con 11 tamed whisky and that each of the bottles containing the wine exhibits were alcoholic anyhow. A local lawyer, whose eye glistened, turned to the police inspector "Is there a vacancy in the force, Mr. Z . If there is, put me down for it, will you ?" "Slocum Podge" writes re the proposal to carry a road through the Basin Reserve" — "I have been takm' lessons in rating, but my spellin' is bad 1 no, but 1 don't like to be beet, so i send this to you, hopin' you can give me a little spase all to meself. i was told that Barber (him as got into the house, and is m.H.R.) was going to cut up the Basun resurv in to, and let the lectnc tram go thru, and that a petishun was to be got up. So won day 1 Luked into Godber's Winder to see if he had won there, but it was not among the Frost cakes, and i was glad. i can't Devihe why they should be so lazy as not to go round as they do now. Great Evans, they as live out Newtown will want to have wings soon, so as to get home to. dinner and back to work as Godber wants them, cosi if Barber is rite, and they can't get home unless the tram goes thro the Resurv, wat'ill they have to do? * * * "Somebody sed as how the Adelaid rode was a wite elefant. Poor thing, he must have got gray with wurry. The money as as been spent on him is a good dccl more than Barber thot, and i says as how if the tram is going to cut the Basun Resurv in to, and the Counsal is goin' to cut them Bannisters and Murfeys and Stocks up to make a cricket ground, therel be too wite elefants soon, and praps a lot of little wite elefants, so as we shall have to start a zoologigal gardens on the spot. My site is not as Keene as it was, but i have my Izard on the Basmn tho, and my advise is let things aolen, so Godber -with you." Perhaps it was a bit unusual for a Wellington clergyman to dine at the hotel table of a Manawatu town on a race day, but he was theire all the same. They were not a nice lot at the table, and they made no bones about "sJingmg off" at the cloth. Like the well-bred gentleman he is, the parson was perfectly calm. He ate his leathery steak, and sipped his tea with unconcern. Emboldened by this, the motley throng became more . insulting. "Why don't you go for 'em?" queried a decent fellow alongside. "My dear fellow." replied tihe parson, "for ten years I was chaplain of a lunatic asylum, and I'm used to this kind of thing. No thanks, I don't take sweets'."

The following took place between a son of one of Wellington's best-known merchants, and a fishmonger' who has a shop m the cty (but through the safety of a telephone). ' "Ting — -ling — ling." "Is that the Exchange ?" '•Yes." " please." "Are you there ?" "Yes." ' "Will you ask Mr. — to come to the telephone s 3 " "He's very busy in the smoke-house at present. Is it important?" "Yes I should like to speak to him." Wait of five minutes before the fishmonger arrives from the smoke-house. "Yes?" "Is that Mr. ?" "Yes.", "Have you any dry fish ?" "Yes." "Well. give 'em a drink." Ting— ling — ling. * * * As we have before remarked, when the country press of New Zealand thinks it necessary to hit hard it takes off the gloves, and assumes knuckledusters. One shopkeeper, who, in a little country town, refused to join the early-closing movement, is thus st>oken of by the local papex — "For years one business man has acted as a human blood-sucker, an extortioner, and sponger, by compelling; his employees to work from early morning till long after nocturnal shadows fall, in all seasons of the year ; longer hours than in some of the sweated States of America. Greed seems to have got his .envious tentacles fast hold of this social blot, and, in consequence, more civilised and considerate tradesmen, who would like to give employees a chance of recreation, are obliged to keep open to compete with him." * * * 1 Miss Bella Hitchings, better-known in Home theatrical circles as Miss Bella Napier is a young Napier lady, who is already making somewhat of a name for herself in thei dramatic art at Home. She is the eldest daughter of the late Dr. Hitchings, of Napier and she and her sisters 1 , who have the gift of originality are all very well known in New Zealand. Miss Hitbhings, before she adopted the stage as a profession, was an excellent amateur actress and elocutionist, and was easily able to geit her foot on the lower runes of the professional ladder. Leaving New Zealand to join Mr. Ben Greets company, for two years she played "Berenice " .in "The Sign of the Cross," and is a Shakespearian actress of undoubted versatility. At the present time she is tourine the provinces with Messrs. George Edwardes and Charles Frohmann's "Are You a Mason Company." She is tryiner hard to set an eng'a«rement to tour New Zealand. Miss Hitchings is very musical 1 .and is frequently engaged professionally in musical recitations, in which she accompanies herself. * • • The young New Zealander is a creature of extremes. He or she knows no middle course. The University youths of Wellington run a little magazine they call "The Spike." Auckland College girls have gone to the other extreme. The ponderous title with which they handicap a magazine which they are to issue soon is "Matre Nostra, the A.A.C. Chronicle." The gifted girl who could write giggling gems with a title like that staring her in the face is a female Tapley.

Those undesirables again' A suave and courteous young man was almost tbo first person to meet some rather wealthy foreigners on the wharf at Auckland. They were strangers in a strange land, and knew no one l'hen money was in Bank of France notes. They" spoke but little English, lhi* suave young man spoke French. He took them to an hotel. All three had a "vermouth" together. Where could the French gentlemen get their money changed? One had £500 in notes, and the other had £200. Ah I the suave young man was chief cashier or a bank. His bank charged less interest than any other bank. If his friends would trust, him. he would run up to the bank and change the notes Ihe ga,v Parisians believed that young man, and he left— for the bank— with £500. Ha must have been waylaid for his bank or anyone else's bank, has not yet been -- -» reached. * * "Who is the belle of the ba'l 0 " she said, As they danced around the flooi , But he made a mistake, and looked around ', And she speaks to him no more. * * * Young Jink's father used to cart road metal t furry years ago. He doesn't cart it aay more, for fortune has smiled on h;m since then, and he is now among the first flighters of our colonial society. He has a son. The son has fitted himself for the onerous position he is expected to occupy in the social plan o£ the buddmg city ot Wharekaraka by an Oxford education, and his parents a fortnight since were delighted to hear that their Jack had married a "real English lady," and would be home about as soon as the letter. Jack wrote asking his parents to pick out a nice house for them, and beseeched them to brush up their manners, as "Laura was awfully particular * * * They picked a nice house, did the Jinks. Wharekaraka is going ahead, for a week after the house was taken a washerlady moved into the little shop facing the young Jink's mansion, and put up the sign, m big letters, ' Mrs. Jinks, laundress." Here was agony if you like 1 Mrs. Jinks, the lady, approached the Jmks woman, and ordered her peremptorily to take down her shingle before her aristocratic daueh-ter-in-law came to hand. The dreadful Jinks woman, Avhose husband never drove a dray, anyhow' absolutely refused, and the tale is m circulation in Wharekaraka to the arausemeat ot the common people. The point of the story is that Mrs. Jinlts, jumor, discovered on her arrival, in washerwoman Jinks, a "long-lost aunt," whose maiden name was a double-barrelled one ot Norman origin. Also, she has cultivated" her, and has cut her husband s people dead. Truth is stranger than fiction. # „ "G S " asks the following conundrums, and 'answers them —Why is vaccination a good advertisement. — Because it is a Free Lance.. Why is a boy like a railway train? — Because he must be "switched" ocoasdonaJTiy tb keep him on the "right track." When it is blowing like "mad" in Wellington would it be correct to call it a ''balmy breeze ?

It ieems that tho well-giounded old habit school cluldien have of comprehensive] v licking their slates, and polishing them v, ith their sleeves, is to vanish by order. It has been discoveied that the practice is provocative of the distnbution of microbes, so the Health authorities will see that children who lick slates will get licked.

The respected citizen, who -went home the other evening, and told his wife that he had a new typewriter at his office, rather bungled it. She took no notice of his bald statement. When, however, he murmured "Really lovely, she pricked up her ears, and when he further remarked, "Awfully fast, she said that she might have known it. "The first time I took that typewriter on my knee "he continued. Then, that long-suffering woman sprang a yard and a-half in the air, and said he might have had some little regard for their innocent children. It took him one hour and twenty minutes to explain that it was a New Century machine he was talking about. * •* * There is a new and juvenile parson chasing the evil out of a small community up near New Plymouth. "What he doesn't know no theologian can teach him. Last Sunday, in a burst of eloquence, he remarked inter alia, "Commentators, however, do not agree with me." Next morning, a leading worshipper brought him a kit of very fine potatoes. She explained that if "common taters didn't agree with him, then these 'kidneys' would'"

(Junous* order from the committee of a Queensland political women's organisation. Members are "to make themselves agreeable to the wives and daughteis of the working man, in order to win their votes. Set aside all feelnigs ot class and caste for the time, at least." 'For the tune, at least " is dehciously Tory.

Here is a yarn that is doing club duty in Wellington. A commercial traveller was "bar bound" at one of the West Coast ports a fortnight ago, and he sunply had to do something to kill the ennui he suffered from. After he had learnt the family history of most of the inhabitants, he went into a barber's shop to have his hair cut again ('twas the third time within a week). A man whose name he knew was sitting under the professional razor. The commercial traveller pulled a caty paper from his pocket, cleared his throat, and looking round at the three or four customers present, he said: "By Jove, he's a lucky chap, whoever he is " The loiterers looked expectantThen, the traveller read- "If this should meet the eye of John — — late of N.S.W., believed to have gone to New Zealand, he will hear of something greatly to his advantage by a*vplymg to and , solicitors, Wellington." "Great heavens, that's me'" said the man in the chair, rising in a hurry, and but half shaved. "Whom did you say to apply to?" "■ — — and . ," repeated the traveller. That afternoon there was plenty of water on the bar and the traveller oame home. A Wellington firm of solicitors is trying hard to explain to a constant correspondent on the West Coast that they know nothing of him, or his uncles, aunts, cousins, or grandfather, and requests -him to cease his importunities. * # * A propos of the proposed deathdealing blow to be aimed ajtthe amiable sin of tobacco smoking, a writer, who probably owns a choice collection of very black "clays," calls aloud in his agony — "A fighting parson, in the North Island suggests, in so many words, that, as soon as he and the other fighting parsons, have fought the drink question to a dripping, gurgly standstill, they should turn their attentions to the smoking evil, and sit on its fragrant soothing chest. Already we are told the totalisator must go, and other little joys of life are also ear-marked for early consumption upon the altar of drab and grey reform. * * * "Frankly, we are becoming too painfully good to be true. Instead of contenting ourselves with following along the broad lines of easily-underjstandable principles of moral 1 deportment, we are dodcdng out into the highways and hedges of life, looking for trouble. Odds and ends are being snipped off the sweets of existence, and labelled 'Sins, with care.' The code of common morality is padded out and bloated to bursting point almost with home-made Thou-<shalt-nots until n-wmanity, jabbed, prodded and butted at every turn by the prickly buttresses of social-gim-let restrictions, becomes smired prematurely old, and enraged, and is inclined to overturn the whole fabric, preferring to be joyously bad' to being dismally, snivelly good."

Tin-kettling at weddings is not the audacious and lawless pastime it was in the good old tunes. Now-a-days, it is tin-kettling by special permission. The other day a well-known and popular up-country chemist was married, and "the boys" of one of the local hotels where he had formerly resided decided to give him a kerosene-can ovation. The brigade was lined up in the front street,, and marched ostentatiously in, procession to the residence of the newly-married man, each individual carrying a new and noisy can and a thumping stick. * * * To their astonishment, however, they found a constable^ awaiting their arrival, and his threat to summon anyone beating a can frightened seven angels out of them. Having taken counsel together, however, a deputation was appointed, which meekly asked permission from the bridegroom to be allowed to tin-kettle him. The request was good-humouredly complied with, "the boys" beat the cans to their hearts' content, and then an adjournment was made for refreshments. But, imagine tin-kettling by permission, in place of the old-fashioned roystering serenade ! * * * Advertisers need to exercise some care in the wording and the display of their advertisements, otherwise there is likely to be a sudden descent from the sublime to the ridiculous. As an instance, there is to be seen in a Wellington publication this startling announcement, in an agent's advertisement — ■ A FREE HOUSE— Write for Samples. On the same page of the same publication a well-known city painter and glazier would lead the reader to believe that he is an executioner of friends. Here is the statement in consecutive display lines in his advertisement : — MEMORIAL CHURCH WINDOWS Erected to the Memory of DEPARTED FRIENDS. We Execute them in the Highest Artistic Order.