AFTERNOON TEA GOSSIP

Free Lance, Volume IV, Issue 160, 25 July 1903, Page 6

AFTERNOON TEA GOSSIP

By Little Miss Muffitt.

Queer Taranaki verdiot "As no doctor had had. anything to do with the case, the cause of death was not known." * ♦ * Dr. McCarthy, who ordered the heavens to open, and deluge Broken Hdl, had so much confidence in his scheme that he placed men a<t each of the stations selected by him. He stipulated that these men should be able to swim ! * * # New South Wales parliamentarians might take a leaf out of the book of our own gentlemanly legislators. Said M L.A Donaldson to M.L.A. O'Connor, recently : "I am not a Judas, anyhow " Mr. O'Connor " No ; you are more like a mule." * * * New Zealanders have the amiable weakness of loving to see their names m print. I don't blame them, but it is often funny. For instance, in a large drapery advertisement, appearing this week in a country paper, the draper mentions that his stores ex Gothic, "were carted from the wharf by Mr. Me ." * * * How New Zealand newspaper men must sigh for the freedom of the Yankee pressman. Because a New York paper published a paragraph saving that a certain man had committed a murder, he sued them for four hundred thousand dollars damages The jury awarded him five cents., an the ground that even newspapers were liable to err. * * * A policeman as diplomatist. He was witness in a vagrancy case. He knew that the prisoner consorted with bad characters, and that "he might be disposed to mistake pioperty owned by other persons as his own, occasionally " "Shortly, he's a thief?" queried His Worship. "Well, not exactly that," replied the bluebottle, "but if I had a farm next to his I wouldn't try to keep sheep." * * * A Wellington lawyer tells me of a quaint old English party who, many years ago, made a will. He fixed up his property for two generations. The lawyer who drew the will (the ~randfather of the Wellington man) asked to whom the property should go if the second generation died without issue. ' Oh, anybody," laughed the old man . "your olerk if you like." That is why the said olerk is one of the biggest landed proprietors in Leicestershire. * * * Bishop Nehgaai has already earned a reputation for short, sharp, and sudden verbal scatmngs. Of this peculiarity of his, a Northern friend w rites — "The lyddite sermons will die away, and we shall have them as mild as milk. Church people, like all other folk, have their little faults and failings, but they do not like to be told aboux them by the parson. He can talk about the faults of others as much as he likes but about their own — never." Go steady, Bishop Nehgan. * * * Gruesome item from the Wairarapa. The authorities who positively will not allow a single microbe to exist, recently isolated a turkey, alleged to be suffering from diptheria. As a matter of fact, they placed the "gobbler" under arrest pending examination by the health officers. During the night, the bird was stolen, and, it is presumed, eaten by the thief and his family. Now, the countryside is anxiously waiting for the outbreak of dipthena that will "locate" the thief. * • * There is already a special word in St. Bartholemew's (London) Hospital, for patients suffering from "motontis." The new disease is the result of "pace" in motoring. It shrivels up the nerves, and supplies hallucinations. Most of the patients think they are winning the Irish Cup. and that the bed is the motor-car. The chief symotcms are closely allied to St. Vitus' dance. All the "oases" in the ward are people who have beon in the habit of exceeding twenty miles an hour. There are constant drafts from the ward to the/ padded cell at the asylum.

An English MP , speaking of Mr. Chamberlain's leciprccity and retahatoiy scheme, said that it was not a Zollveiein, but a Dissolverein ' * * * The Victonan Chief Justice has been i ? »dng Max O'Rell. His latest on our sex — "Nearly every woman, when near death, suspects her husband of matrimonial intentions. The "" lte oi Methuselah probably did so. # ■* * What do you think of a new -laid e<rg on which was inscribed, in raased leTtteis, the words, "The end of the world is at hand" p Tins egg was laid m Amercia, and the facts are beyond dispute— being American. *. * * An Auckland man had an operation peirfoimod last week. He had risen in the night dhoking. He had swallowed his false teeth' The surgeons weie called m an operation performed, and the teeth discovered — in a vase in the dining-room. * * * You are not allowed to play a game of chance in New Zealand. Just try "tw o-up" for pennies, and see For a winter show m the country, however they have a huge cheese prepared, which will contain £10 worth of corns. If that cheese doesn't come under the Gaming and Lotteries Act I shall feel that the morals of my country are "away dawn." * * * ' Put a penny in the slot, and you will be supplied with a grill." This is the latest horror in slot machines. Those dreary persons who have always seven or eight dinners will be able to satisfy their morbid craving for drugs for one penny a time. France has smarted the idea, and up to now the patent medicine vendors have not banded together on a machine-smashing campaign. * ■* * There is a good deal of talk about the liberty of the press, and the influence of the public. The Waira,ra*>a clergyman who talked "over much" against the "cursed drink," has been given a hint to "ring-off." His congregation has dwindled to half since' he became too voluminous on the coldw ater question. Consequents he> avoids the subject altogether now. * •* * London "Daily News" on Mr. Seddon's proposal to establish butcheis' shops throughout Great Britain — "Said Mr. R. J. Seddon, When he heard of Armageddon, 'Urn, who supplies The mutton pies The combatants aic fed on ? '" * * Who says that our Js.P do not worthily uphold the reputation New Zealandeis believe they hold as the "anointed" ? A JP. down at Taitake, last week, had the temerity to doubt the truth of a prisoner's statement. 'It's the G-od's truth I'm telling "ou, sir'" remarked the man. 'Hush, hush'" said his Worship, 'we want none of that here '" •* * +■ A good deal of the gilt is off the Contingenteering gingerbread now-a-da^s, especially in the glorious Commonwealth. A Queensland grocer, father of an ex -soldier, sued the local bellman for £22. Bellman counteiclaimed for £5 for "woik done and performed in getting up a spontaneous public welcome to youi son, George." Queer thing is that the magistrate allow ed the counter-claim. * * * If you want to capture burglars, be beautiful and weai diamonds. Mrs. Geoige Keppel, an American lady, m London, who, returning from a ball, caught burglars red-handed "getting away" with £250,000 of loot, easily captured them. According to a cable, "her magnificent beauty and her diar monds completely enthralled them." They put down their loot w ere treated to drinks, the police' were rung-up — and Mrs. Keppel went to bed. * * « I note in an English paper that a youth of fifteen has saved about a dozen people- from drowning. This is not as extraordinary as the fulsome, item thereto attached, which says "His Majesty has been graciously pleased to give the boy permission to jam the Navy" ' There's a noble reward for you, if you like. Permission to do something that you don't want permission to do as long as you are fit and well, and willing to sell yourself soul and body to the Admiralty for a term, of years. •* -* * A "Matron," whom I strongly suspect of having whiskers and a vivid imagination, has rushed into print about the much-discussed servant girl. "She" says — "One maid recently, on becoming encaged, stipulated before doing so that she always refused to wear caps, answer the doorbell, clean grates, boots fish, or fowl, scrub the

floor, wait at tablo, or take out childlen (which she positively loathed), whilst on the other hand she must have an hour's practice on the piano m the drawing-room have a reception in the kitchen every second Friday, and be allowed to attend at least three dances pei week." "Mation" ought to groin for aichciy. She could use a ''long bow" with complete success.