IT IS TOWN TALK

Free Lance, Volume IV, Issue 160, 25 July 1903, Page 26

IT IS TOWN TALK

—That water is short at Ashburton. Hot coppers? —That a Tapanui gentleman, ot eighty, recently married a lady aged twentj-five. Courageous gurl. —That hax vest hands in Kansas receive an equivalent of from los to 20s a day. They have no union, and the farmers don't whine. —That a Scotsman asked, and is said to have received, a million pounds for the American rights ot a patent pigskin bike tyre. —That a traveller for walking-sticks has been doing an immense business in Ashburton. The sticks are hollow, and are not prohibitionists. —That Mr. J. C. Rutherford, who is forming the Chamberlain settlement, gives an allotment to every bachelor settler who marries within eighteen months 1 . —That, since the alleged leprous Chinaman was unearthed, several white men, who never befoie touched the vegetable trade, are doing a thriving business. — That the domestic servant problem ought not to worry Dunedin. Advertisement from the "Star" — "Strong widow, , good washer, wants work wages, 5s weekly." — That Felix Tanner, who is going to attempt circumnavigating the eaith in a barrel, will get a Waihi company to "float" him. Some of the Waiheathens have brains. —That one paper in the snow-bound district down South, having no "copy," comes out with an illustration of the surrounding country — snow white. It's an ingenious blank page. — That, in answer to a recent advertisement, in a Wellington daily "two good fencers wanted," a counle of new-chum Frenchmen turned up, and brought their foils and masks' — That, to show their disapproval of an unpopular "won," on a Victorian football field, a crowd of larrikins bombarded the team with blue-metal. The captain was knocked out. — That ex-Police Commissioner Tunbndge is now on the New Zealand Army list for some unknown reason. It is an empty honour if you think up all the militia_eaptains you know. — That a Queensland ex-trooper was recently sent to gaol for seven years for a bad crime. Because all colonial soldiers were not angels, the Queensland press scathes the whole "bag of tricks." — That the matrimonial market at Nelson is stagnant. Therefore, the girls there have formed a "Navy Working Club," and will wear short uniform skirts, cheese-cutter caps, and blue jumpers. — That the most lucid order given to a Wellington volunteer who was being instructed on outpost duty was not to "stir a foot; but walk up and down and see what you. can hear." The officer was Scotch. —That Mr. Rutherford, M.H.R. for Hurunui, was the most nervous man in the House on the opening day. The "jester" seems to have overcome his timidity since then. — That a man, fancying he heard an alarm of fire in an Auckland hotel, recently jumped out of a three-storey window, holding two open umbrellas in his hands. He was not hurt, and did not return the umbrellas. — That the discovery of a leprous Chinaman reminds us that during last year one was found down South. After he had been fumigated, isolated, and his property confiscated and burnt, he was found to have been frostbitten ' — That the latest postal fad was tried by an Auckland man. He addiessed an unenveloped "fiver" to a friend in Wellington, merely pinning the writing on. He is now about to "perform" because it has not reached its destination. — That, in a literary competition, held in a Southern city, the first prize was won by an anonymous gentleman. It has been discovered that the prizetaker is an inmate of a lunatic asylum, and it is suspected that he has been wrongfully "put away" by relatives. — That Queen Alexandra will open an immense Canadian electrical works by pressing a button. We might get ex-King Mahuta to "open" the Wellington electrical tramways from his seat in the King Country. Electricity seems to be the only means 1 of getting in touch with the dusky M.L.C.

—That it is not necessaiy for a man to be a theatrical manager to have a ' cast" in his eye. —That even the hundred-pound penalties don't stop the smuggling of opium. It is going on all the time. That the Melbourne police recently ran a burglar to earth. The clue was half a button, which matched those on the burglar's coat. That a Danish university man is supposed to be knocking around New Zealand, gaining points about running a country for use at home. — That Timaaru carters, during the late snowstorms, had a bad time with snow-ballers. They "got back" on their torturers with stale eggs. That there has been no proposal yet to legislate on the question of the use of anaesthetics, that have caused so many deaths during the past year. — That wireless money telegrams can now be received at sea, consequently travelling "colonial experiences" are able to play 2s 6d nap with impunity. — That "the rankest weeds grow on the rubbish heap" 'is the polite way a bald-headed M.H.R. has of saying that well-thatched members are "wasters." — That the gentleman who fainted in the Opera House dress circle one night last week has recovered. He has let his corsets out two holes since then. — That a young clerk, employed bv a local firm, disappeared last Thursday with £.565 in a bag. It is supposed he has hidden it — in the Bank of New Zealand. — That they are a casual lot in Victoria. A policeman lecently owned that he had forgotten to send m about 1000 names of electors m connection with the rolls. — That a Sydney prisoner, suffering a recovery from alcoholism, committed suicide in an original way. He hanged himself with the spring of his Waterbury watch ! — That vie complaints recently heard about the poor acoustics of the Supreme Court at Auckland may be a sly dig at the often incoherent utterances of the presiding judge. — That six "first offenders," at Bowstieet (London), five weeks ago, were let off on promising to "emigrate to New Zealand." This colony is certainly getting better known. — That the Australian press is asking why the precedence question, resignation of the C.J., and compensation to him is not being settled by the conciliation, laws of the country p — That the Maoris predict an early spring. Our prophetic chocolate brerthren have waited for the willows to spiout for many years before rushing forth with this pronouncement. — That Sydney police have recentlraided several "rat farms" in the sinful city. Scalps are now 6d each. Suspicions were aroused by the enormous number one man brought in. — That, in September of last year, Clement Wrage went on a cloud-shell-mg campaign to Queensland. It did not rain. Di. McCarthy took mo notice of the more expert man's failures. — That the news of the victory of the New Zealand team of footballers was received with great rejoicing last Saturday night. It was wonderful, too, how many people knew they wouM win. — That a gay young gentleman, who was organising a suburban, fortnightly dance, and who had collected thirty guinea subscriptions, is on the missing list. The temptation to travel was too strong. — That millionaire vandalism is about to destroy some Shakespearian houses at Stratford-on-Avon. A Carnegie library is to go up instead. Mane Corelli is protesting' "Are You a, Mason" is a fool to this. — That a Northern ex-magnetic healer" has gone into the tongue-read-ing industry. He can tell your character by the conformation of your tongue. A very short, nairow tongue shows that you are a liar. The ex"healer" has a short, narrow tongue. — That, "You have been the guest of the Minister ?" was a query heard m the New South Wales State Parliament recently. "I don't remember," said the Minister, "I must have been drunk " Charmingly unconventional ' — That the cyclists, of Wellington, who race around with their hands in their pockets, ought to be told that it looks idiotic, and is a menace to pedestrians. Christchurch has a byelaw prohibiting this form of "showingoff." — That the following is one among many hundreds of poetic gems from Major Sir William Jukes Steward's Mapounka "poem" — ''How we clustered at the bathrooms, Ten deep to w r ait our turn, And apostrophised the fellows That were in, in words that burn."