ENTRE NOVS

Free Lance, Volume IV, Issue 160, 25 July 1903, Page 14

ENTRE NOVS

THK cUns of finance aie not dead- H.OI c aro still left a tew soft - brained individuals who want to die to assuage the awhil pangs of love A piopos, here is a story hot from the country - A youth, who found that the object of Ins devoted attentions had suddenly grown cold and mdifFeient, was very much aiiected thereby, so much so, indeed, that he quite went off his food and could not sleep at nights. He wrote a pathetic note to his quondam lady love, in which he his intention of drowning himself in a stream near by, and pushed it under the door of the house where she lived. * * * He made off in the direction of the stream m question, but, forgetting that a barb-wire fence impeded his course and the night being dark he stumbled across it and fell on his head on a stone on the other side, cutting his head somewhat, and rendering himsell insensible. In this condition lie was found some short time after by a neighbour, his face besmeared in blood. As there is said to be a slight change for the better in the feeling towards him of the obiect of his affections, further developments are not anticipated. Pity about that wire fence One of Wellington's ' heaviest" men last Thursday ascended the Post Office steps pulled out his pocket-book, posted his letters, coughed, straightened his tie, and descended the steps. He didn't know that he put the nocketbook into the torn lining of his coat. Anyhow, later in the day a not toowealthy youngster called on that citizen, aiid' handed him the pocket-book. The man of money opened it on his desk carefully, took out a small roll of notes, and a few documents and counted them. "They are correct," he said, and went on with his work after carefully tdacine the restored pocket-book in his desk-drawer * * * The complacent surface of the Huttroacl leflected the sun's rays at noon on Thursday, and caused heaps of merriment to those who travelled by train to the races A couple of ducks, sailing through the slime, fairly bioke the passengers up, and a cow bellowing on the loadside caused a wag to yell "Due for it'"

llieie is a fluttering in the dovecotes ot the Government messengei sol \ ice down vi the, Big Buildings, toi tlieio is a. lumoui abroad that there is to bo a kind ot lowest-grade civil ser\ice examination instituted for the niAicurv and clean-up blanches. A list ot sample questions is being prepared, based upon those which have been put to applicants for messeneei ships from time immemorial. The preparation of tins little list is the result of several pie-sessional interviews. Of course, we. cannot vouch for the truthfulness of this repoit— for, as at the Liberal Convention the nress was not admitted but the story goes that the following took place at the interview Boss When sweeping a carpet or rug on the floor hoy. Mould you prevent dust 9 — Applicant By opening the windows. Bos& If twelve bais of soap cost half-a-crown, what would one cost p — Applicant It depends on w hether you jret it from Kaiwarra, or Pet one 01 London Boss If you get £6 m one month, how much will you get in two months 5 — Applicant Get more, or see a member. Boss You'll do. You will have to look out for garbage. Can you define garbage" ? — Applicant Stuff that is left over. Boss Give me a sentence containing the word "garbage." — Applicant "He w alked down the 'Street in the garbage of civil servants." # •+ * People who always wait for some unhappy incident to occur before they &eize an inept pen, have chosen for their latest "poems" the dying Pope. Some of the most horrible tw addle ever written is founded on such subjects. As a matter of fact, the many poems that aie now appearing about His Holiness are alike an insult to the dead and the living, who are forced willy nilly to see them. The editor who prinits this ante and post mortem poetry is an enemy of humanity. # * * A citizen in a soutliern suburb keeps a rather dilapidated fowl-run, and his feathered stock have for months past been 1 mining foul of his neighbour's garden, on which the owner prides himself. Numerous protests by the gardener were ot no avail, the owner of the fowls declaring that he would mend the fence when he liked. Threats to appeal to law were unheeded. Then,, a little strategy suggested itself. One morning the gardener put a card in the window, with a basket of e^gs, and upon the card the following notice, 'New laid eggs for sale, 2s a dozen." The owner of the fowls was amongst the first to see it. He knew the gardener kept no fowls, and the inference was obvious. In less than six hours the fence was mended , but the man is still unaw are that those e^%s were supplied by a local grocer.

Miss Mary Van Buien, the leading lady of the Neill t raw ley Company now touimg Australia, is a beauteous brunetce, with large velvety eyes. There aie other beauteous and velvetyeyed ladies on the stage, but this particular lady believes in kissing. She hates to clutch the lovely hero by the cheek bones, and then kiss her own thumb-nails. A propos of this, Miss Van Buien recently said, in reply to a query "I do kiss real. The other business spoils a performance. The real kiss means nothing to either party, although m America, there have been lawsuits brought by actresses because the stage kiss was not to their liking. A stage kiss is ot no more significance than a pinch or a slap , it is all in the play, and sensible people reerard it as so." Miss Van Buren is on the stage for art's sake, for she belongs to one of the old Virginian families of wealthy aristocrats, and is the mistress of a practically inexhaustible treasury * * * There is a crusade in England at present against the pernicious effects of that British shibboleth. the antebieakfast cold bath. One physician goes so iar as to say that a large neicentage of lunatics owe their lunacy to plunging their hot bodies into a cold ' tub." "What is wanted," says a professor, with a whole alphabet after his name, "is hot water.'' He says that Japanese fighters live most of their off time in water hot enough to ?cald But the follow in°- expert opinion from "Dads Wavback," is worth leading. "Dads" says * * * 'Ef them coves wot is ser fond o' water 'cause it looks clear an' clean wos to see it. through a spyglass s-o as they could spot all ther horrible microbes an' bacteria splashin' round like a waterhole o' snakes, their love 'ud cool off very sudden. Beer nor whisky never give any cove typhoid but dnnkin' water is dealm' it out ter thousands o' poor wretches every day. One o' these days, when folks gets ther fair strength o' cold water, there'll be local option in every district fer stoppin' ther use o' ther deadly pisen." * # • Being an old lady from the country, and unused to modern methods, she mistook the theodolite of the surveyor for a camera, and innocently assumed that an opportunity presented itself of having her poitrait taken on the cheap. She caiefullv adiusted her bonnet and gown, with the aid of a neighbouring shop window, and took up her position in front of the theodolite. Here she icmained perfectly statue-like for several seconds, in fact, it is doubtful how long she would have continued to posture if the suiveyor had not, in plain, if unvarnished, language, distuibed hei equanimity by saying "Now, then missus, clear out of the way." 'Ain't I being photographed 53 " queried the dame. 'No." came the o-ruff reply 'but ou're being surveyed." * * * The ground was veiy slippery at the races last week. One gentleman, who was raising his hat in the latest fashion, remaiked "How d'ye. — '' Here the ground slid away to the rear, and, as he smote the mud he lemarked, in a pained voice, "do 9 "

A paper in the w lid and woolly South says that "Mr. Seddon and Mr. Ward favour the abolition of the 'tote.' " In another part of the page the editor says "Since, writing the paragraph in reference to Ministers and the totalisator, we have learned that Mr. Ward has been knighted. The paragraph, therefore, should read 'Mr. Seddon and Sir Joseph Ward, etc' " Someone is wanted down that way with a long hat-pin. * * * What is a gentleman? In the King's Bench Division (London), counsell objected to the title as describing an artist. An artist was, he contended, not a gentleman. The magistrate held that precedent established the fact that a man whose grandfather father, or himself had no coatH>f-arms was not a gentleman, but that political candidates had over-ruled this prece^ dent by addressing electors in the mass as ''gentlemen." Having thi ashed the question to its idiotic conclusion, the learned magistrate decided that, aa the artist suffered from gout, he must be a gentleman. * * * The Argentine is going one better than New Zealand. Finding that a law against street expectoration has had as little effect in that country as a like law has had in New Zealand, the Government has printed many millions of labels setting forth the danger of the transmission of tuberculosis through this habit. These labels are to be pasted on all the boxes of matches coming into the country. No better medium for distribution oould have been found. When one sees Wellington ladies "shying" at the horrid patches of nastiness common on our street corners especially at the intersection of Willis and Manners streets, one feels like recomm ending some severe measure. A bye-law, offended against thousands of times, but under which there has never been a conviction, is a howling farce. # * # A propos of the Shakespeare-Bacon controversy Why was Rider Haggard? — Because he had to Marie Corelli. # X * The Australasian colonies, and, mcidentaJly, we, are spared the painful presence of another record breaker, thanks to the presence of mind of American officials. A dollar-hunting German started out to breaac the world's perambulator-wheehng record, and lie pushed his wife some thousands of miles until he tried to push the gocart on to American territory. Then, the authorities uprose, and shoved, him out, calling him a professional beggar. * * * Bv the way, several of these people w ho take on this kind of foolishness hail from America. There was the man who started from 'Frisco in a suit of brown paper , Schilling, the one-armed walker ; the "wheel-barrow fiend" ; and other people who tried to dodge ordinary hum-drum methods of dollarraisina;. It is remarkable that these record-smashing people have lots of time to stay in New Zealand. Even little Willy Schwiegerhausen tamed longer here than elsewhere, and Capt. Vossi, the canoeist, is still waiting for the tide to turn before he finally sets out Ti-li-kum.

Theie has been a nice little trouble in a local chapeiy shop concerning the old blunder ot sending the account to the wiong lady. Belore the winter sales btaited, and when millinery uas at its tip-top price, a stylish young thin" called at the shop in question, and ordered a ' perfect love of a hat" at four guineas. The account was to be sent to Mr. So-and-so, a well-known citizen, whose credit is consideied as good as that of the average bank All would ha\e b~en well if the aoco-unt had been foi warded to the gentleman in question, at his business address as lequested. But, alas and alack, it was sent to the gentleman's wife, who is not usually privileged to indulge in fom-guinea hats, and who had othe>r reasons for being suspicious. * * * Without saying a word to her lord and master, she straightway hied herself to the millinery establishment, and demanded to know why she had been charged with a costly hat winch she had neither ordered nor received. The fab was in the fire. The assistant furnished a description of the buyer enabling her identity to be fixed as that of a former lady-help of the household, and the questioner retired in a high and hysterical state of indignation. Since then, the account has been uand, and the millinery assistant has been reprimanded for her want of discretion. Just as if she was to blame. But the interview between the estimable citizen and his better-half, who, b' the wa3', never w ears hats costing as much as a guinea, must have been ai particularly sultry one. * * * Some of the people of Gore are looking round with blood in their respective eyes. A couple of hopeful people recently got married There was a large party. So large, in fact, that the tea had to be brewed in the wash-house copper. The small boys of the community were not invited to the feast, but, bless you, they enjoyed it immensely. Everything was to hand to make their part of the fun a great success. They slipped a bar of "best yaller J) and a pound of washing soda into the copper, and then went ?way feeling that they had upheld the reputation for devilment held by maJe voungsteis; since the beginning of time * * * You can't ring that on to us, old chap, we're colonials, you know'" Thus a New Zealand trooper to the Duke of Argyll, who was explaining some historical circumstance to a group of New Zealanders, at Windsor. An American, writing from New York, remarks that the "tenderfoot New Zealander is the most unconcerned cuss" he has struck. He "toted" a young Dunedin man round the big onty and found that the only thing that roused him was Coney Island. "Dunedin," he says, '"according to this youngster, >s a wonderful town. That boy walked as unconcernedly among the whirl of New York as if he was in Invercargill. Sky-scrapers and ferries and electric cars — all were

weighed m the balance, and found wanting. An illustration comes to my mind. He had made friends on the voyage with a young Londoner, a broker's clerk, used to London sights — theiefore, not easily impressed. But a Bioadway car passed us one evening a blaze of eleotnc light, racing at tw cntv miles an hour, and crowded

The Maons aie getting on. When an "esteemed fellow Maori" threatens to take a trip into the next provincial district, the Maoris, like their paikeha brethren, make it an excuse for a social and a feed. Not having a purse of sovereigns, some Manaxa Maoris presented a departing comrade the other day te ith a collection of articles of Maori

with people and the Londoner stopped, and gazed in wonder. Said the young Dunedimte 'What are you v. aiting foi y ' 'Oh,' I said, 'I guess he is surprised at the rate the oar goes, and the way it is lit up.' And the New Zealaoider replied 'Ah ! he should E>ee tho Roslyn tram running down the hill at Bisho-^scourt.' "

manufacture. The drank twenty-five toasts, and they, with the exception of "Te Kingi," were in honour of the guest. There was one item of the programme -which shows that our imitative brethren do not as yet take this banquet business so seriously as we do. Ladies were there, and they danced a poi dance, the men doing the haka.

The decreasing birth rate! A Southern school janitor, who had a family of eleven children, recently asked the local committee to enlarge his house. Seeing that the Government of the country is alarmed at the decieasing birth rate, one would have thought that the Education Board v ould have raised the man's wages, or done something encouraging. On the contrary, it refused to increase the accommodation, and censured the committee for employing the father of so many children ' Choose your spectacles -carefully. The old Nevvtown lady wiped her glasses, " took up the paper, read the births, manures, and deaths, and then turned to the cables. "My word " she exclaimed, "I see by the paper that there's another rapture of Mount Vociferous. Tliey say as there's burning lather a running down the sides, but they don't say how it got afire." Who shall say that we in New Zealand have not our finger on the pulsp of the universe ? * ♦ • The Auckland Women's Political League is anxious to abolish the smokers en the tram-cars. Meanwhile, the smokers go to and from business daily in blissful unconsciousness of the. sword suspended over them. Some, day, however, they may rise up in their wrath and demand the abolition of the political woman. * • « "Kestrel" writes re those hawks that were found fluttering about at Karori without legs. It had been suggested that someone cut their legs off. Since suggested that aj toothed trap had done the triok. He says — "As a trapper of long experience, I am able to assert that hawks are freiquently so furious at being caught in a trap that they not only use all their immense wing-power to get free, but their beaks as well. I have known a hawk to amputate its own leg by means of its beak. Rabbits in good, grass country, frequently pull their legs off and dogs, wolves, and other oamne prowlers, if in sound condition, more often bite their imprisoned leg through than not. I don't think there are many 'sports' around who would risk amputating a hawk's legs while his top weapon was in working order." * * * It is calculated that the tailors of New Zealand have used four thousand five hundred and sixty extra yards of waistcoating in consequence of the Sandow boom, and the consequent more or less laudable desire on the part of our youth to go in for lifting weights that are no good when they are lifted. On this subject, a Southern sciibe waxes inky — "The youth of a united Southland is bursting its singlets and vests by reason of an overdose of muscular development due to training on the Sandow system. It is positively appalling to contemplate the amount of human energy that is going to waste in this direction. Day after day, night after night, our young men are pawing the empt" air in the effort to grow strong and to produce a crop of bubbly, bulbous bumps of fleshy fibre, catalogued as muscle. * * • "If the force thus expended could only be yoked up to a regiment of spades and shovels, half the gardens in the town would be tilled by the next Wednesday half-holiday, and the remainder a week later. The embryonic Hercules who can raise a 1701b barbell above his head fourteen or forty times, and does it every now and then, would be rendering a far more valued service to his country if he were to raise the 31b wood chopper fourteen times per evening, or rustle the ravishing garden rake as often per morning."