ENTRE NOUS

Free Lance, Volume III, Issue 159, 18 July 1903, Page 14

ENTRE NOUS

THK gasmen of Wellington aie a hoaity lot, and it is brought home to us after attending the social supper <uven by them to Mr. R. G. Ho^ ell, the Gas Company's secietai3, that the incandescent lion lies down, m this case at least, with the one-candle-power lamb. Behold then the coalies," with their faces shining with the healthy glow of soap, unable, however, to remove the honest grime from their knuckles, cheek by jowl with the lordly young man who condescends to receive your monthly gas money over the counter. The stalwart blacksmith, and your enemy, the man, who reads yonir meter . the gentleman who, without a moment's warning, descends on you with a kit of tools, and makes misery for your ultimate comfort, made up a happy family . Mr. Norwood head fitted", remarked dunng a speech, in which Mr. Howell got. much veil-earned eulogy, that the lions and lambs of the gasworks got on so well together that, as far as he was concerned, he had nothing to do. Mr D. Nathan, w ho, as chairman of directors, was entitled to say something, remarked laughingly that it was high time to cut his salary dow n but Mr. How ell, also smilinor, said, "He was all Mr. Howell told has entertainers that no English eras company could teach the Wellington company anything, and Mr. Nathan said the same thing. The shiny "coalies " the immaculate young persons to whom you pay your bills, the man who makes the transient misery, and the gentleman who collects your shillings from the slot meter, were pleased at this, you may be sure and said so in the time-honoured British way. * * * Mr. Howell told a story about his two little boys, "Tommy" and "Jack," who are colonials of the real "Drat the Boys" type, and firm favourites with all the employees of the oompany. Like the free and independent! youngsters they are, having lived close to the seia, they haven't been used to wearing boots so when they went to thedr great-aunt's home, in Herefordshire, they horrified that good English lady bv appearing bootless. "Even the poorest village children, wear boots," she told Mr. Howell. "George, cannot you afford to buy the boys boots?" And Mr. Howell had some difficulty in

poisuading Ins aunt that New Zealand's "best" people allow then children, tor health's sake, to go without boots Mr. How ell's family has h\cd without, a break in then Heiefoidsluic home foi over five hundred veais and it was with difficulty he w a-> allowed to come beck to Ins beloved Gas Compam Many gentlemen spoke well, but, euiioush, it was one of the company's blacksmiths who earned off the laurels tor the cjuaJity of his soeech Mr L. Kiaft might have won more fame with a pen than a sledge-hammer But for his lather painful nervousness, which he acknowledged by having copious notes, his speech on the toast ' Heads of Departments" was an excellent liteiary production About 12.30 one looked for the cais that wore no moie, pondeied o\er the songs that had been sun<? the good-fellowship of the gasmen, and the camaraderie of the company and then boldly struck out for home against one of Wellington's bitteiest southerly winds. * * * When the Government steamers periodically visit our lighthouses moving the hghthouse.-keepers, taking stoics, etc., they are sometimes accompanied by a savant of some kind or other. Recently, a piofeseor of botany was a passenger on one of the boat* and in the and of science was quite tireless in his endeavours to add to his knowledge of the flora of these islands. After one of his rambles he returned in the evening, laden with specimens, very tired, and sought the seclusion of his cabin It seems the stew arc! had the same day procured a sheep for the ship's use * * • That night, as soon as quietness prevailed, the sheep found its way to the cabin, and proceeded to make a meal of the New Zealand flora, which had been placed by the botanist in a corner there. After a satisfying, and possibly instructive, banquet, one of the wakeful passengers discovered the intruder, and raised a loud alarm. There was a little scene. Out popped the professor, night-cap on head and proceeded to do battle with the sheep. The animal had evidently been, a pet, or somebody's darling, before falling into the steward's charge, so w hen the learned man stooped to rescue his treasures, the little beast thought he had come to play, and proceeded to butt and .jump round in a lively way. By this time, the noise of battle, and the profane language used, had roused other sleepers, and the sheep was 1 most forcibly ejected. Next day the savant had his revenge, for the offending mutton was served up for dinner. * * * A Wairarapa bachelor has sent out invitations to the belles of the district to be present at his birthday party. Perhaps, he means to throw the handkerchief.

People in Otago, who are annoyed that success has attended the efforts of the prohibitionist movement in some districts, do not use very sound arguments. A half-brick, hurled through the front window of a noted prohibitionist's dwelling the other day, presumably propelled by a t>erson who believes in the liberty of the subject, or even a series of bricks, won't answer admirably m strengthening the no-li-cense vote at next election, will it? * * ♦ Pretty mean! A well-known brewer's traveller, with the aid of several accomplices, agonised the drought stricken Ashburtomtes recently. Seveiral substantial bottles of beer were produced and partaken of openly in one of the railway carriages, and bottles* and glasses were then ranged ostentatiously upon the window sills of the carriage. Quite a small crowd of thirsty souls gathered wistfully round the carriage in question, and discussed the new species of cruelty in, language anything but complimentary to the individual who invented it. Indeed, some of His Majesty's window panes w«re for a time in imminent danger.

There was an animated discussion in. the lobby of the House the other day as to v\ ho was the most incisive speaker among the "oolts." Mr. Millar, M.H.R. for Dunedin, was very strongly of opinion that Mr. Bedford of his town, was away ahead of anything the House could bring forward. Then, up rose Mr. Hainan, with a nomination. He opined that Mr. J. C. Thomson could beat Mr. Bedford with one band tied behind him, or a plum m his mouth. The argument waxed warm. i- *■ * The Hon. Mr. Carroll, attracted by the clatter, pushed to the fireside, and said he also had a colt to nominate. His pick was Mr. Baume, the brilliant Hebrew gentleman from Auckland. Who would decide as to their merits? Who better than Albert Cohen, the veteran pressman? Albert's ruling was interesting. Here it is : — Parliamentary Maiden Stakes. Native Association's br o Education, Hotehkiss— Waitemata ... 1 San Francisco's eh c Constitutional Reform, No License — Female Franchise 2 Referendum's blk h Backblocks, Wallace — Aparima ... ... ... ' 3 A referendum of Parliamentarians and pressmen would probably not veto the gallery judge's opinion. * * • - A gentleman, who was unfortunate enough to come under the vagrancy, clauses of the Police Offences Act, or whatever it is that sends a man to gaol for having nothing to do, pleaded in a Christohureh court the other day tihafc he couldn't be a vagrant, asi he was travelling for an Auckland machinery firm. His, Worship asked the gentleman the name of the firm, and, after & good hard think, kept time to by the drip drip of the cold perspiration, he said he could not remember. He further said his unfortunate lapse of memory was occasioned by a cyclist, who had run him down a day of two previously. Curiously, his Worship, having regard to the gentleman's past, which was a long one, and not unsullied, made it unnecessary for him to be a vagrant for at least thiee months. * # * There was a young chap named Magee, Who made such a poor referee, When they jumped on his head He asked, "Am I dead?" And fled without getting his fee. * * * Up in the Bush country, not long a^o, the local medico was waited upon by an anxious-looking farmer's daughter, who complained of a mysterious pain in her side. "Two of your ribs are broken," said the doctor. "Oh, yes, I fell off my bike last week." The doctor pointed out the impossibility of the accident having occurred in such a manner. "Well, it must have been the keg, of butter that fell as I was lifting it down." The doctor was still unconvinced, and said that the injury was plainly the result of a steady pressure, which had been applied in a circular manner. The girl blushed to the roots of her hair, and then, smiling defiantly, said, "Anyhow, we're engaged."

"Cyclops," of the "Mataura Ensign," clears half-an-acre of table, puts on his ''specks," coughs twice, dips his pen, does not choose a subject, and gets to flork — "If one places his dimpled finger upon the fluttering pulse of passing events, he will discover that histoiy repeats itself every day. Why this should be so is perfectly obvious. The world has been in business for several thousands of years, and appears to have been fairly well stocked with assorted human beings all the time. Adam and Eve committed a breach of the fust prohibition order ever issued, and since then, right down to the present, humanity has surged throueh the entire programme of wrong-doing — -from the oveiture of robbing orchards and tying tins to the tremulous tails of tolerant towsers, to the finale of slaughtering mothers-in-law and neglecting to pay the printer's bill. • * » "Eveiy milestone marking the advance of our boasted civilisation finds a replica in the musty records of the fevered past. Take the marvellous X Kays, discovered by Rontgen, as an example. By the aid of these we are enabled to see through supposedly opaque substances. But this is. no new feat. Men have seen through each other before the world cut its back teeth. Brutus let daylight into Caesar without the aid of fluorescent screens, electric batteries, induction coils, and a host of wires and other fixings. He merely used a sword— a cheap, chippy chopper he had probably picked up at some ironmonger's clearing sale at 2s lid, or 4s 3^d for two, with a packet of tacks and picture cord thrown in for discount." „ * * * The other day, a settler in a certain district in the North returned to his home a sadder though a wiser man. He had come to town with £40, intending to order a memorial stone for the grave of his deceased wife. However, after a convivial night, he woke up next morning without a shilling in his pocket. Unlike another distinguished individual in the North, he siaid nothing to the police about his trouble, but departed for home with a saddened heart and a lightened pocket. That memorial stone will have to wait. * * * Rotorua Maoris love King Dick. And no wonder. A Maori, who has just been to Wellington, returned home, and told his brethren that Mr. Seddon intended at once to institute a State bank, at which were to be print-; ed one pound notes. In consideration of his love for the Maoris, he would sell these notes at five shillings each, for gold only. Solemnly stated in a Northern paper that the Maoris are turning all their assets into gold, to partake in the beneficence of Mr. Seddon.

Some people are very thoughtless. For example, listen to this from the Auckland "Star" "Will the gentleman, who borrowed Evening Dress Suit for Citizens' Ball, please return same at once ? " Evidently, says the "Observer," only one dress suit was referred to. Whiv didn't the advertiser indicate which one, because, on the following morning, thirty-seven estimable citizens were counted in Queen-street, each with, a brown-paper parcel under his arm and a worried look on his countenance. * • « People afflicted with rheumatism, who have carried a potato about in their pocket for years, or who wear a steel and copper ring as a "charm," will be interested to hear that they have only to approach the business end of a busy bee in order to be free from uric acid for ever. An eminent scdenr tist, who spoke to a large audience out of a mouth that resembled a pincushion, and whose handsi were swathed in bandages, told his hearers that he attributed his immunity from rheumatism to bee' stings. It is simple this cure. Given a good, healthy, siavage honey-gatherer, and pluck, there should soon be no rheumatism. Dr. Pere, of Vienna, is the patentee of this -discovery.

A more or less charming tale of knight errantry is w afted to us from a populous suburb. During last week, a large and muscular carter was passing a house when a lady, evidently in a high state of excitement, rushed out. She said that there was a man inside, who positively refused to come out, although she had repeatedly ordeTed him. The stalwart carter sailed right in, and found a man helping himself to the whisky on the sadeboard. He was a decently athletic-looking fellow, and the fight that he put up was a satisfactory one. But, the oarter, with right on his side, after a severe tussle, reduced him to subjection and hurled him through the front door. "Now, you clear out, or I'll give you some more. What d'ye mean by an-

noying respectable women this way for, and getting into people's houses? Go home!" "I — I am home, you fathead!" remarked the bruised citizen, and then it was that the carter found out that this was a wifely device to get even with a husband. * ♦ • Publicans, as is only natural, don't hke inquests on their premises. The fact is, they would spend a few pounds in order to keep one at a distance. A policeman visited a Southern hotel last week, and, calling the publican aside, informed him that it would be necessary to hold an inquest there in the afternoon,. The landlord had a great objection to anything of the kind, and said "Oh, I can't be troubled witih no inquests in my house. Here, what'll you have to drink?" Robert said he would have a drop of Scotch, which he did. "Have a cigar, too," said the host. After the consumption of two Scotches and cigars the man of the bar said "By the way, who are they going to hold the inquest oop"n p " "No one as I know of now," said the man in blue ; "but it 'ud a-been me. I was just dyin' for a drink." • * « Sweet are the uses of the telephone. An Invercargill medico was "rung up" about 12.30 one recent night. Mrs. Blank (a rich lady, living twelve miles from town) was seriously ill. Could the doctor come at once- 5 The doctor knew it was worth twenty guineas to him, and he knocked his coachman up, and set out. Half-an-hour afterwards a pale young gentleman, with his arm in a sling, and a pleasant, though perturbed manner, rang the doctor's bell. Doctor not in? He v.as terribly disappointed. He was weak. Had broken his collarbone coming down-stairs. Would the maid let him rest in the doctor's surgery? The kind maid showed him in, brought in refreshments, and retired. Two hours later, the doctor returning from his visit to the lady, whom he found well and hearty, discovered that he hadn't got an instrument left. Also, that many articles of value had gone with the instruments, not to mention a tidy little sum in a cash-box. The young man with the broken collarbone seemed to get on pretty well with one rrm.

A Samoan provided some "moments" in the Auckland Police Court the other day. He had wanted to buy some bananas, but when the fruiterer told him the price, Daniel almost turned white, and took over the fruiterer's industry of "charging." As Daniel explained to an interested Court, ''I only shook 'em up in the shop." Daniel was sworn on the Bible, which he held upside-down in his hand during the whole of hxs examination. He was asked if he knew what he was swearing, and he remarked, in a pained voice, that he never swore, as the missionary told him he would not go to heaven if he did. He was fined £2 or seven days' imprisonmemt, and, after pulling out a couple of bananas, two threepenny bite, and a Jubilee medal, he sighed like a steam syren, and went to gaol. * * * A recent pronouncement of the Premier's, to the deputation of prohibitionists which waited on him, has agonised a friend into the following- — "Supposing," he wails, "the Premier is aible to carry out his threat not to allow alcoholic liquor in private houses in

'prohibited' districts, those who 'like their tots' will have to indulge — like card players do in whist and euchre parties, but instead have 'whiskey nights,' 'brandy balls,' 'beer hops/ 'rum ructions,' 'port wine pranks,' 'gin jinks,' 'old torn scratches,' 'sherry shakes,' and so on. All of these functions could be held alb places of meeting where 'prohibition' did not obtain, and be arranged on economic lines by each entrant pooling a certain amount of money according to requirements. The idea is crude certainly, but at the same time it is capable of expansion." * * • They play the game for all it is worth in the Wairarapa. Last Saturday a player had his eye cut open, his shoulder lacerated, and his shirt torn to ribbons. As he came off the field, with his face covered with gore, a sympathising friend, taking him by the arm, said : "My word, Tom, old fellow, what an awful eye! There's a doctor in the pavilion; you'd better come and let him look at it !" "Hang the eye," said Tom, as he wiped hfe cheek with the back of his hand. "Look at my shirt!"