ENTRE NOUS

Free Lance, Volume III, Issue 157, 4 July 1903, Page 14

ENTRE NOUS

THE solemn ceremony surrounding the "Speeoh from the Throne," delivered by His Excellency the Governor to the Lords and the "faithful Commons," on the opening of Parliament, impelled several hundred people, flho hadn't a hope of squeezing into the House on Tuesday afternoon, to try hard. Outside, the pay Heretaungas, on their restive steeds, inflated their manly breasts, and frowned at the too insistent crowd. The detachment of the College Rifles, every man of which body "presented arms" as if his life depended on it, were keyed up to concert pitch, and for the moment forgot that there were ledgers and desks awaiting their return. Miles of stretched necks craned to catch one tiny glimpse of vice-regal millinery, and crowds waited patiently in the shadow of the Ballance statue until the last new bell-topper had been swallowed up by the yawning portals of the

"House." • * * You were lucky if you got inside, so it was said. You were a deal luckier if you didn't In the latter case your best chapeau is still' intact. After the band has played "God Save," and the people have not uncovered, the Governor proceeds to the "throne " and faces a congregation of gentlemen whose prevailing feature is baldness. It may be stated that baldness is a sign of intellectuality. The legislators of New Zealand, packed closely, present a very shiny summit. The Governor comes along in order to +e!l the assembled wiseacres what they have already read in the newspaper^ that is to say, he is expected to wade through ai list of events that have happened since last session.

* * ♦ He shows no sign of being bored but goodness only knows what his private ODinion of the ceremony is. Then he speaks of what his Ministers advise for the future. The play is almost olayed out. He descends 1 from the throne, and some hundreds of charming hats droop over the galleries in order that their owners may catch one little plint of gold-trimmed vioe-regal uniform and Court sword. The members of the Legislature who have grown bald in the =prvice of their Kins:, are cleft like the Red Gea. The Governor removes his cocked hat, bows smilingly to the

faithful wave of members on e-ithei side, sweeps thence, and Parliament is toi mally opened' * * *

Tli© band plays a bar of ' God Save," the artillerymen on the doors s>prm~ to attention, there is the usuai dog-fight on the outskirts of the crowd, a chestnut horse belonging to a "Heretaunga" seensaws and dances, making the crowd careful of its toes, and the barmen m the hotels opposite pull off their coats and stand to their beer engines. The members of the Lower House just look into the cloak-room to see that their new r bell-toppers are -there still and immediately start ,the business of the country. The ordinary observer, sitting listening,to the notices of motion, fired off at the rate of six a minute is struck with the fact, that the prevailing accent of the sixty members oresent at the first sitting of the House wais Scotch, that the men on the Government side of the House were large and fleshy, and that thinness prevails (with some notable exceptions), on the Opposition.

He would have noticed, too, that new members assumed the bored air of the tired Parliamentarian, and that they had Quite a lot of writing to do at intervals. He would have noticed that Mr. Ell's notice of motion, to bring in a bill to prohibit the employment of "female barmaids" passed unsmiled at, and that old members swaggered a little, iusb to let the youngster^ see howit is done. If he had looked ut> into the Press Gallery, he would have seen little Fred. Piram, ex-M.H.R.. aching to sret down on the floor to urobe the Premier. "He is greyer than he was An ev-M.H.R. of the (Imposition need not be particularly silent, however, when he owns a paper.

* * Mr. E M. Smith is getting nearer to a portfolio. He now sits near enough to the Premier to advise him should King Dick require advice. To Sir Joseph he is nearer still, and Sir Joseph will be able to catch eveiv word of the Steel King's poetry. One of the oddest spectacles in the House is to see the members, bob to their feet when a message from the Governor arrives. Some are wearing hats at all angles, it being considered correct to wear a hat m quite an original manner in the building. Before the word "Governor" is well out of Mr. Speakei's mouth the menibeis 1, who have uncovered and bobbed up. flop back, with a creak if they are Oppositionists, and with a bump if they are not. It bores them. » ♦ ♦

Literal copy of a letter received by the commanding officer of a North Auckland mounted infantry corps from one of his Maori troopers —"My dear Friend, —l am very sorry I can't come to parade to-day. I am very sore on the horse." A delicate way of putting it.

Mi. Percy Baldwin, the keen-eyed Wellington barrister, who has just returned from a six-months' tour in En-g-land and on the Continent, has gathered some interesting impressions. It is t\i elve years since Mr. Baldwin w as in England, and he is amazed to find how large New Zealand looms in the eye of the Englishman, thanks to the vigorous advertisement given to tins speck of Empire by Mr. Seddon. He says that the Premier is already accepted by Englishmen as a distinctive colonial type just as the Englishman is idealised by the acceptance of Sir John Tenniel's "John Bull" as the typical Briton. * • *

The most beautiful country he has ever seen is that he passed through in an overland journey, between Genoa and London. Intense cultivation is most) common in Switzerland where every inch of ground is made to bring forth the fruits of the earth in due season. He met Wellington's Tom Wilford. Tom worthily upheld the honour of his country in London. He took charge always, he was on hand in any emergency, he knew eveirythmg and everybody, and his tact and sa.voir faire -were indispensable in piloting New ZeaJanders through the social maze of modern Babylon.

* * • Mr. Baldwin appeared before the Pi ivy Council the day after Tom's historic cable message giving his opinion of that body came through. Mr. Bald■\\in remarks that although general regret is expressed in London legal circles that the decision of the Privy Council in the Porirua case had hurt colonial feeling, the opinion of leaders of the bar, such as Asquith and Cohen, was that their Lordships' law was sonnd. The traveller saw the historic Grand National run, and ran up against a Wellington notoriety in the person of Mr. W. C. Fitzgerald, in Oxford-street. Also, he met Mr. Lingard, of spring-heel fame. * * ♦

He chatted New Zealand to Sir Walter and Mr. Leo Buller, caught the genial Pole-Penton at his club, and heard the latest news of Capt. Ward, who, it will be remembered, was attached to the First New Zealand Contingent for Africa. Captain Ward has recently und©rgone> a serious operation to his head, but has fully recovered his health. Some Lance yarns about Captain Ward

hare got into club circulation in London. To briefly revive them: Captain Ward, while in action one day was in extremely close proximity to a bursting shell. It covered that officer with dust. "Dirty devils, those Boers," was all he said. Another time, he sat on a camp stool sketching the enemy's position. A bullet took the pencil from between his fingers. "Got another pencil, Saunders?" he asked, of his orderly.

Major Madocks, of whom Colonel Penton also spoke, is on the staff of the York War Office. 'Twas he who, at the historic defeat of the troops at Sauna's Post, by De Wet, saw the waggon contaming: his patent camp bed struck by a shell. "There goes my bed. I'll have to sleep on the veldt now!" was his comment. Mr. Baldwin went Home on a Norddeutscheir boat. A cultured' colonial asked a Geirman passenger a simple question in German. He replied that he. didn't understand. The colonial spoke next in English. Then, the German replied: "I understand ffood German. I also understand 1 good English, but I don't understand you." Why should we love boors of this nationality, anyhow ?

• * • At Marseilles, Mr. Baldwin dined. Two French gentlemen also dined. The dinner was execrable. The price. • ah. but it was magnifique ! Said the one Frenchman .to the other: "That man, he should be punished for charging so much, nest pas p" "No, no, my friend, not so'" responded the other. "God has already punished him. I have his silver spoons in my pocket!"

• * * Sir William Jukes Steward will be paaned to notice that the "Times" has not vet heard of his elevation to a knighthood. The paper still insists upon plain "Major."

• • • The following picture titles and descriptions- are taken from a catalogue recently issued here by a well-known firm of auctioneers. The particular auctioneer's clerk who drew up the list must be a great joker, or entirely devoid of humour. What do you think ? The list has the advantage of bemsj a genuine copy—l "Village Blacksmith" (broken); 1 "Love's Pleiaduns" (coloured); "Alone by the Waterfall" (damaged); 2 "Lovers" (1 damaged, 1 sound); "Purity" (soiled).

Smart London restauranteurs have discovered that New Zealanders at Home do most congregate round tine Royal Albert Docks. Therefore, at a restaurant close at hand the man with the fern leaf and the greenstone pendant may sumptuously fare on Kia Ora pudding, and'Tenakoe sauce. "Freddy Fernleaf" writes that the pudding he sampled was four inches high, and m three colours—brown, white, and pink —and on the top, two capital letters, "N.Z." "I ate it," he says, "and enjoyed it, and before leaving asked the proprietor how he came to think of such a thing, when he told me he used to be an assistant steward on the \\ est Coast boats, Grafton and Wamui.

# * * "Now at his shop here in London, he has a lot of New Zealanders as customers. Some of the cockneys hearing the New Zealanders say 'Kia^ora' at parting, this suggested that the New Zealandersi were home-siok, and ought to have a kia-ora pudding as a cure. So they had their puddme, and it was symbolical, too. for the white t>art represented the European population, the brown part the Maoris, while the pink was a reminder of the famous Pink Terrace." • • •

"Mr. Dooley," whose fame as an Irish philosopher has reached the far corners of the earth, used to be a reporter on a small American country paper. Mr. Dunne, to give him his own name, was content in those days with twelve dollars a week. Now-, Harpers, of "Harpers' Magazine and dozens of other publications, have asked him to write extensively for them for £8000 a year. Well Dunne Dooley ' Some of our New Zealand dailv paper leader writers would have just such a show if humour is what is wanted. « ♦ •

A sweet young thing, who had tried her extra special blush on many a male heart six months ago was betrothed to two adoiing Johnnies. One, it appears, is adorning Wairarapa. while the other drives a pen for a Taranaki firm. While her ardent epistles were flowing in both directions, the distant betrothed double doubted her not. She wrote to Taranaki, remarking that it was about ' time her owntest own trekked hither, on matrimony bent. He replied at once. That letter never reached its destination. The post-office was to blame. She married the other fellow whose letters were not hindered. The heartbroken Taranaki man blamed the postoffice up to last month, when he happened to notice in the paper a tale of an elopement of a local young lady. It was his former fiancee. She had tired of her husband and was hitting out for pastures new with a travelling "busker." That is why the Taranaki man now believes the post-office to be so excellent an institution.

A specious person, with a glib tongue and a bagful of tins containing soap, some weeks ago drifted from door to door m Wellington's suburbs, and remarked, in t* ell-constructed "patter," that for lemoving spots, stains, grease, paint, or anything else from clothing has special, double-distilled mixture was unequalled. Nobody wanted to buy soaip until that youth broueht forth, with much nourish, a beautiful oup and saucer of unique design and extra special quality. "To demonstrate my honesty and the faith I have in my marvellous preparation," he said, to interested housewives, "I will call round again in a month's time, and, on the 1 presentation of the label on the box, I will exchange it for a dozen oups and saucers exactly like the sample." This noble offer proved a

sure draw, and the soapy youth ?ot absolutely fatigued handing out his cleanser at a shilling a time. All this happened about two months ago, and the cups are not coming forward. Quite a large number of muscular husbands have decided to make hash of that young man's stock-in-trade and self should he loom up in their path. * * ♦ The Lance wonders whether its readers can pick the hero of this incident in three or thirty guesses. Everybody who knows anything about advertisers know that they want more for their money than they can usually get. At any rate, they are particularly fond of sending in an inoh advertisement with a request for a three-inch paragraph drawing attention to the advertisement. Soanso was one of these

sort of advertisers, and when, the other day, he failed to get his paragraph in a certain daily paper he was wroth. He was ventilating hie grievance in the olub m a loud, let~everybody-hear-me kind of voice. "Hush," said a friend, "there's 1 Whatsisname, one of the bosses of the paper, over there." The man with a grievance, however, was out for ventilation, and wasn't to be hushed. * * *

Presently, the listener, who was supposed to have overheard something that wasn't good for him, came over to the complainant—who, it should be enplained, was a stranerer to the city — and, after getting details of the grievance, said they should be remedied. Handing the advertiser a slip of paper, he said "There is an order for a refund of the money you paid for the advertisement which did not get a local. I'll haive the advertisement put in again and give it a par." The ooanplain<£nt was profuse: in his thanks—but, oih, what a. difference when he presented that order at the paper office. The other chap had played the joker—he was a commercial traveller noted for his jests. * * *

One of our country medicos tells the story. Not long ago a farmer called upon him, and asked that he should call and see his (the settler's) wife. "For somehow," he added, "I think site ain't feelm' well." "Why," asked the doctor, "what are the symptoms?" "Well, ver see, this mornin', after ahe had milked the cows, an' fed the pigs, an' eot breakfast for the men am' waisfaed the dishes, an' built a fire under the copper in the wash-house, an' done a few odd jobs about the 'ouse, she complained o' feelin' tired-like." Surprising'

* * * Nearly everyone within a large radius of a little up-the-line town is shaved so cleanly that his face shines like a fullmoan. One man has been known to go into the barber's four times a day, twice for hair outs, and twice for shaves. The habit of cleanliness is moeb commeindable. It isi remarkable that the price is somewhat high, and that none of the clean-ishaven gentlemen complain about it. You may get bay rum, of course, for your shilling and your complexion, but the Jamaica variety is most in favour. Gentlemen whose passion for close shaving has given them a sore throat, are supplied with a gargle compounded from an ancient herb known to science as the hop. But, by far the most-sought-after panacea for colds contracted from hair-outs, ia a distillation of rye or potato, the sharp edge of which nauseous medicine is taken off by being judiciously smoked. * * *

A propos of a banquet given to Mr. H. J. Greenslade, who contested t!hp Waikato district at the last elections, society in that part of the colony was incensed because ladies were excluded. One gentleman rather tactlessly v/rote to the local paper, saying : "We had better act the generous and gallant part of putting out a helping hand, and lifting them up beside us." If we understand the modern woman, she would far rather stay away from banquets at which the whole of the maile creatures persistently scratch each other's backs than be "lifted up beside us." It is an absurdity to condescend in this large, kingly way. Women naturally resent it. There are good reasons why ladies should attend banquets, of course, for most men would be ashamed, in the presence of their wives, to belaud persons in tre sickening way that obtains, especially if the wives were in possession of the private opinions of the men on the subject. In short, if we did not get more truth by the presence of ladies, we might get less twaddle from men. * * *

The Masterton School Committee is evidently in favour of stern measures to suppress the boy smoker. "The only way to cure these boys who will smoke," observed a member the otlher day, "is to have a proper smoke-o'h. Give them clay pipes and some black, rank tobacco, and make them smoke. That will cure them."

• * * The committeeman probably remembers his own early struggles. We remember a man whose horror of tobacco wasi only equalled by his love for whisky. He had a little boy child, two and a-half years of age. He desired to bring that boy up in the narrow path of the non-smoker. He therefore pounded a stick of "Negro head" and cut up some nice little nuggets. These he offered' the baby. The babyeat one piece. It would make him sick, and he would never thereafter touch the pernicious weed. An hour later the father was riding hard for a doctor. The youngster was poisoned, and in violent convulsions. The doctor barely succeeded in bringing the child back to life. That was twenty years ago. We met the baby at a "smoker" last week. He particularly favours "Derby."

A propos of vaccination, there is a story going the rounds about a young man who wandered into an hotel m the city in. search of a lemonade. On making his exit, he was stopped at the front door by a person wearing a very serious I'm-an-official sort, of air. "Aje you vaccinated, young man'" he was asked. "No, I'm not!" snapped the young; man. "Don't you know there's small-pox about, and that this place is

suspected?" ""No,o — o, I didn't," was the less emphatic-toned response. "Sorry for you," said the other fellow, "but you must come to the doctor's and be vaccinated — or would you rather be sent to Soames Island ?" "Good Lord, ik* — I'd prefer to be vaccinated at once. I'm in a hurry 1" And the young man in a hurry rushed off to be vaccinatedl Then, the official-looking chap ■n ent outside, and roared.

Mr. and Mrs. Lan Duncan are a lsitmg friends in Blenheim. • * *

Sir Henry and Lady Miller are staying at Miss Pyes, in Mxdgrave-street. • ♦ *

Mr and Mrs. W. Bidwell (Featherston) have been visiting Wellington. • * •

A most amusing hookey match was recently played in Nelson, between the "Wakatus" (ladies' team) and a team of seven men of the Haw trey Comedy Company.

Messrs. George and Kersley are offering sensational bargains at the' ' Ucononuo" sale, and half the town » flocking there to do their shoppmg. Lovely baJl-gowns may be purchased at next to nothing prices. Silks orope-d^chmes, and dhiffons are marked at exactly haitprioe. Particularly attractive was a panne cloth, in a pale shade of rose, at 3s 6d a yard, double width. A genuine bargain was offered in bengahne, ot several pretty shades, only Is lid. Taffetas, in all colours, are being sold at Is 6d and Is lid the yard, and would make up beautifully, while orepe-de-chines and broches are also greatly reduced although sure of a ready sale at all times. Blouse lengths, in. great quantity, meet one's eye, and the 'remnant corner" will be one of the most attractive spots at this sale.

• • ♦ From silks to laces is but a turn, and thousands of yards, in as many designs, are being sold daily at exactly haltprice. Paris lace insertions linen finish lace, at 5d and 6d, and the most elaborate patterns are only marked Jd. Here too, are many charming novelties in belts, oxydised silver, and the smart gun-metal so much in vogue— very few of these are left, but, nevertheless, they have been substantially reduced in price, and range from Is bel to 6s 6d. #

Brides-to-be should inquire about the dainty trimmings which have just been opened up. but for a few days will be sold at cost price. Narrow frilling suitable for the daintiest lingerie, or hem-stitched linen, edged with lace is now gelling for 6d a yard, and doubleinsertioned frills, for7±d, with Torchon edjre Is. What do you think ot a. fashionable zibeline gown at Is a yard' Too cheap to be true, but that is ti hat you will get if you ask for the necked zibeline robes now being shown. A smart robe, with faint checks, which was 38s is now only £1 Is and the same remarkable- reductions are shown in several stylish twoed robes.

« • *■ Furs will be necessary for some months yet and, anticipating the cold snap we usually get in July and August a wise woman will take advantage of the very low prices now being marked. A handsome skunk pelerine and long stoles, usually £7 7s, are being sold for £4 10s. A beautifully-maiked mmk, with long stole ends, is most fascinating, at £2 ss. Muffs to match are similarly reduced. Lace for robes^, usually 11s 6d per yard, is now only <s 6d, and some very charming chiffons attract one's fancy, especially a diagonally tucked ivory, with fine insertion.

• • • Deiep collars are a feature of our ball-gown®, and substantial reductions will be found in these etceteras at George and Kersleys. Although elaborately trimmed with sequins, etc, they range from 8s 6d only. Eastern embroidery could also be bought with advantage, the prices being from Gd to 7s 6d per yard. French flannels have never been marked so low, for warm and pretty woollen blouses are now 6d per yard. There are many new designs, and a second group, in plain colours, are only Is. usually 2s 3d. + - *

In the carpet department, the excellent Japanese rugs strike one as being ridiculously cheap, and those furnishing should certainly inquire about these e'er deciding on anything else. The colours are bright and warm, and exceedingly tasteful in design, and -3d per yard is the cost. These are especially suitable for laying over linoleums in winter, giving an appearance of richness and comfort. Rugs are to be had in almost every size and shape, being especially made to order. One pretty rug was 18ft x 4-J-ft, and woven in cream design on a crimson ground. In this department also is a special lot of rattan and bamboo ware, including curtain rods, which, complete with fittings, are supplied from Is lid. Portieres, table-cloths, and curtains are all being offered at half-price during the next few days.

Mr. J. H. Robinson, of the "Lucky Wedding; Ring," 21, Willis-street, is holding his annual stock-taking sale, at which all prices are much reduced. Mr. J. H. Robinson's 'lucky wedding lings" have become famous, as it is his practice to present half-a-dozen spoons to each purchaser of one.

Messrs. Bradley and McArthur have opened a very up-to-date hairdressmg saloon m Batkin's new buildings, Lambton Quay. The saloon, which is the largest in the North Island, is fitted with Koch's patent hydraulic chairs, the- whole arrangements being eminently tasteful and comfortable. Miss Duncans (late of Kirkcaldie and Stains) dressmaking establishment, at 28, Ingestre-street, is receiving a great increase of patronage, the work turned out by her having given such general satisfaction. Miss Duncan ma-es re-modelling a speciality. The A.M.P. Society's annual bonus certificates for the year 1902 were posted to the fortunate policyholders throughout Australasia on the 30th ultimo, and cannot fail to be extremely gratifying to the recipients, as the divisible cash surplus for the year is a record, even for this office, being £558,868, which will provide reversionary bonuses aggregating over one million sterling. Members whose policies have been two years, and over m force have the option of taking their bonuses in cash, or applying the amount in payment of premium or in the reduction of future premiums. The uninsured would do well to ponder over 1 the benefits accruing from an institution of this kind. In this issue appears an announcement on the fourth annual ball of the Mount Cook Old Boys'" Association, which is to be held in St. Peter's Hall, on Friday. 31st July. All "oldboW and friends desiring invitations aie, in this advertisement, requested to apply to the hon. secretary for same. Mr. Harold Ashton is in town, preparing for Mr. J. C. Williamsons New English Comedy Company's season. "Are You a Mason ?" is claimed to be the funniest farce-comedy ever written, and the pi ess critics who have seen it aaree as to its wild humour With Mr. George Giddens, the famous comedian at its head, the company is assured of a successful season.