IT IS TOWN TALK

Free Lance, Volume III, Issue 152, 30 May 1903, Page 26

IT IS TOWN TALK

—That the hand that rocks Hie cradle is generally the hand that starts the fiie That Cupid often hits the mark, but the ofteuer he hits it the more Mrs. he makes. —That the Masteiton schoolmasters have discovered that, the boys smoke. This is nearly as startling as the finding of a mm comet. — That a Manawatu paper lecords the fact that at a, recent wedding the bridesmaids "wore large hats, which harmonised with their features." — That there is every indication of the oil bore at Kotuku becoming a "gusher." This is a reversal of the usual order. A "gusher" is always a boie. — That old gentlemen in New Zealand will over-estimate their own physical powers. Still another aged person lately stepped off a, tram in Canterbury and was killed — That the police have a big contract in hand if a country paper right in saving they are supposed 4 o censure all the children who attend school regularly. — That many people in Newtown are wondering li the electric hght is losing its power since lighted candles on the altar have been introduced at St. Thomas's Church. —That a man w ho had been supported bv his wife for eighteen years recently blubbered in court, that she had hit him with a poker. She should have used a steam hammer. —That a thriving country journal, n printing an obituary notice of a prominent man, stated that "he had many friends who will be glad to hear he has passed away." — That a Taranaki paper mentions the new discovery of oil as the "Kotuku oil fiend." On first examination it reads like an uncomplimentary reference to Pierpont Morgan. — That the most economical bridegroom of recent report is one who care*fully swept up and pocketed the rice showered on his bride last week, and carried it home for the fowls. — That public-house licenses are raised from an equivalent to £240 from £60 in Ne^ York city. Seems to us- the Yankees believe there is profit in the trade. We m New Zealand know better. — That a Southern man, who was "run in" by the police helplessly drunk was released on Ms stating that he indulged too freely in gingerbeer -which he had believed to be a teetotai drink ! —That the sub-editor of ' Sandow's Magazine" committed suicide in imitation of "Fighting Mac " Oh, well, even if Mac hadn't committed suicide, the man was a sub-editor. Bear with the poor beggar. — That to-day the sun celebrates its 100,000,000 th birthday. Many happy returns. As usual, he intends to have a night "out." On these occasions h ■ always casts a reflection on the moon, and she makes light of his lapses. — -That the following were the subjects for four sermons recently preached man up-country church ' Honey, and where to get it," "A madman's capture and restoration to sanity," ' Fishers of men," and "Milliners' flattering glasses." — That the Admiralty recently severeh ' w igged" a naval eaiptain for having passed an island on which several persons were wrecked, without rescuing them. They pointed out that the sland was only two inches awav — on the map I — That, in a lettei to a friend, one of the parliamentary picnickers grumbled badly that the natives, wanted to air grievances instead of dancing, etc. Seems it took them a long time to understand that the parliamentary gods wanted amusing, not lecturing. — That news of those infected Army blankets having been sold wholesale in England reminds us that many people in New Zealand are luxuriating in bedclothes washed ashore from troopships. Also, that eivery second cabmen in Wellington wears red-lined Army cloaks which have also seen service. — That the weak-kneed youth, wiio wrote to one of Wellington's nicest girls threatening to commit suicide if she spurned the priceless boon of his love, received a stout clothesline in reply. He is cured of suicidal mania. Pity she hadn't a brother who knew how to use the rope.

— That no chaplain accompanied the Parliamentary picnickers to the Islands If on.lv Mr. Isitt had managed to win oven one seat in New Zealand ' — That the printers' unions aa~e cocking their eves over the extensi\ c use of stereotyped ready-made Yankee 'news" mattci by certain country paper* — That King Dick at Paeroa claimed that during his term of office the Government had never made a mistake. We wonder who dared to say that it had. — That a Southern gul of sixteen lias just obtained a separation order fiom hci husband, who is eighteen. ''Wife to have custody of the cluldien" ' — That the "bouquet" recently piesented to a local amateur actor and singer is considered to have been a very fine specimen of cauliflower indeed. — That, ' owing to pressure on our space, we are compelled to hold over our leading article " says a country paper. Facing this announcement is a blank page 1 — That, in the wilds of Whangaiei the settlers have already fitted their buggies with rowlocks and sails. The winter is on in the roadless and gummy North. — That the gaudiest farce-comedy played in Auckland for some time has been that recently enacted bv the Rich-ai'dson-Conolly Company in the Altenroad theatre. — That the Hou.se of Lords threw out the Street Betting Suppression BUI. A fellow feeling makes us wondrous kind. Doubtless their lordships play "bridge" ' — That Australian know ledge of Maori names grows apace. The "Zgapuhs " for instance, is the Melbourne "Age" name for the tribe about the Bay of Islands. — That a man was leeentlv awarded £7 18s 6d damages "out of pocket " Someone had hit him, and destroyed his artificial teeth. Queer place +o carry teeth, eh? — That, it is probable that the three Maon "aliens," who met trouble in Australia, were intended for the production of the Maori opera "Tapu," and not for a "circus" as cabled. — That the Hutt-road is — well, w hat is it, anyhow ? And that the incandescent gas lamps just installed tend to show the sludge channel up in all its hideousness. — That a lawsuit occupying thirtyfive years has just been concluded m London. They found that a plot of land, the ownership of which was the point at issue, belonged — to the lawyers. — That the innocent hint given in a provincial paper that the man who had dropped a skeleton key could o-et it by calling at the police station, has not brought forth a multatude of claimants. — That an up-country parent is quarrelling with Providence for being too bountiful. As the father of twins, he was fined doubly for not registering. It is always the unexpected that happens. — That the latest journalistic triumph is the announcement of an upcountry paper that "This- paper hitherto published weakly will m future be uublished drily." Quaint way of spelling the truth. — That, according to the "Observer," you can tell a Billy Richardson juryman now. After a week's jury-box sitting, he walks like a man who has done a hard day's riding for the first time, on a hard saddle with corners. — 'That people throughout New Zealand are complaining of the ineffectual efforts of the police to cope with the universal thieving now rampant. Before blaming the police wait for some more Chinamen gambling laids. — That it would have been impossible for the acquitted temperance' lecturer, Richardson, who bandied thousands of words with Mr. Justice Conoily lately to have bandied half-a^ dozen, words wath Sir Robert Stout. — That the 1 police authorities have decided not to introduce the "electric torch" instead of the old-fashjoned bullseye. A Southern police office recently received a note from "Bill Syke-s" thanking them for kind consideration. — That thirty-eight Blenheim tradespeople are being sued for having substituted St. George's 1 Day for the statutory holiday, and kept their nremises open. Funny thing that bars don't ha.re to close, isn't it ? If it's a sin to sell sugar it should be a sin to sell beer.

What happened to Jones 0 Who knows 9 Perhaps 'twas a cold in his nose. Or maybe a cough, which he couldn't shake off, And denied him the joy of lepose ; Quite likely he both did enduie, Which him to his loom did immure, Till a friend said one day, " duve your chills all away With Woods' Great Pepperjiini Cure."