AFTERNOON TEA GOSSIP

Free Lance, Volume III, Issue 151, 23 May 1903, Page 6

AFTERNOON TEA GOSSIP

By Little Miss Muffitt.

Quaintest advertisement of the week — 'Wanted, — Comfortable Room for joung man, in good locality, bathroom preferred. — Apply," etc. • ♦ • Two queer advertisements which are to be seen in Newton, Auckland, within a hundred yards of one another m a leading . thoroughfare •J. — — , Coal and Firewood Yard. For Kidney Troubles." J. , Hare-dresser and Tobacconist." • * • The poor ye have always with you, ' even in Wellington. For instance, that little girl who, so a grocer tells me, came into has store the other day, and asked for a "quarter of a pound of bacon." Her mother could not have been noli in money at least. She had a wealth of humour, however "Muvver says will you please cut it thick for boiling?" was the child's direction to the man of sand. » * * Here is a paragraph published by twenty-seven papeirs m. New Zealand 'A curious story comes from Te Puna. Two lads riding down the Waaroa cutting espied an empty beer bottle. They decided to put it on a post and practise with their stock-whips at it, but on picking it up saw that it contained a piece of paper This on investigation proved to be a£o note." What I want to oaJI special attention to is the fact that the bottle was empty. • • » The. fact that a Dunedm T>ublican has lecentlv taken out a prohibition order against a relative reminds me' of a publican, with a typical bulge at the waistcoat, a.nd a ruby tint about the nose, who had never tasted a drop of alcohol in his life' He never refused to take the sixpences however, w hen his customers "shouted" for him. He always drank either "rum" or u gin" from special bott.'es. The "rum" was cold tea, and the "gin" cold water. Tom Mann the pure in heart, who i<= • organising labour" on the "other side," is at present w orking hard to obtain a six hours' working day for all hands. There is not much, in the novelty line to be done at present, and I presume Tom has to do something for has £600 a-\ ear. Tom ought to preach the gospel of short hours in the back-blocks, wheie "cockies' " slaves get 15s a week, and work 15 hours a day. This is about the most unreasonable firework Mr. Mann has ever exploded. • * • Daimevirko is alleged to be at present the hunting ground of agitators, the dumping ground for "broke" buskers, and pasture for parsons.' lam not necessarily in accord w ith the style of mj' informant's communication, but, in regard to the clergymen, he says theie is one on the Education Board, two on the Licensing Bench, and one is mayor. He alleges, too, that one clergyman is about to apply for a license to sell "spirituous and malt liquors." • * * I heard a true story about an extraordinary Wellington landlord the other day . He had a cottage to let, amd the weekly rental was 10s 6d. He advertised in the 1 daily papers. Before tea twenty-six applied for that cottage, and after tea six persons eagerly sought the boon of weatherboard sanctuary. One man offered the landlord 12s fid per week for the cottage. Now the point. Thei landlord absolutely refused to accept the 12s. 6d man as a tenant foi outbidding people who were unable to pay so much. It is interesting: to notice that the landlord is not a Britisher. He is an Italian. • • * Not generally known that besides Mr. E M. Smith theire is another poet M.H.R. This xs Mr. Mandor, the new ly-elected representative for Marsden. As a proof of his brilliance; m the poetical line, he recently fired off twelve verses at a gentleman who was leaving the district. I cull one, with a recommendation to the Education Department to include it in any new school readers they have in mind Their working men respect them And deny it all who may If masters had all been like them, There would be no Court to-day.

"Please do not touch with sticks or umbrellas." Thus a notice under an impressionist picture in a local art emporium. Right underneath the notice the irrepressible small boy has written . "Take an axe." * * * An hew-ess who lived in. Dubuque, Was courted a,nd wed by a duque, But this nobleman gay Made her wealth fade away, So she had to go out as a cuque. • • * Perhaps you sometimes listen to street -corner oraitors. What pearls falL from their lips. The man who, on Saturday night last, remarked thqt something I can't remember was "Blazoned with tears and its adjoinme: virtues," ought to be called to the Upper House. • • ♦ Litftle men are ambitious. No wife is too big for them. There is a wee Yankee mite, who calls himself "Ma^or" Jantz, who is advertising for a tall, young and comely girl "with view 'to above." The gallant "Maior" weighs 351bsi and stands 18 inches high. Lady will supply her own step-ladder. • • • Something will have to be done to stop this stowaway nuisance. Thus New Zealand Australia reciprocates the feeling. Only last week three New Zealand stowaways were sent to gaol for a term with an alternative of a £') fine. Even women ha,ve started stowing away. Seems to me that women are increasingly interfering with the rights of man. « • ♦ A man's opinion When woman's years creep on apace She reaches then the stage* When both her temper and her face Fail to conceal her rage. • • • Rather an unkind joke was played by a Wellington man. on his wife the other day. Sitting ait his window he suddenly 'pointed out a woman "That's the woman Georee Brown is dead gone on'" he said. His wife rushed to the window "Why. that's his wife'" she exclaimed, when she had lecovered her breath. "Yes, I know " replied he, ni a chuckling monotone. • * * The purity of the sport, of kings A Maori lady up North, having backed a horse and lost, went to the owner and invited him to drink the health of the losing beast. He condoled with her in her loss. She remarked that it was just probable that the loser was being "saved" for the big race, and looked keenly at the "sport" to see if the shot told. It did. She put all her cash on him for that raee — and bought a scarlet silk gown with green trimmings next day. ' Footlight" last w eek mentioned the fact that "gentlemen" allowed ladies to stand in a crowded Corporation car while they luxuriated in seats after the play. Oii Tuesday night last the usual crowd rusihed the trams, and several men and women were standing up Two gentlemen simultaneously rose to oblige two ladies, and two "gentlemen," who were standing, simultaneously sat down in the places vacated The allegation that every man in New Zealand is an aristocrat isi mainly bunkum. • * • Mr. James Shaw, who In ed in New Zealand for many years, came here from Ireland for the purpose of fightnng in the Maori War. He is famous now . That is to say, he is rich, and, like Carnegie, is p-etting rid of it as fast as Adelaide can take it. He was for eight years a member of the Adelaide City Council Some years ago Mr Shaw came to Wellington to examine municipal perfection, but he said nothing about it when he got back .o Adelaide. All the poets in New Zealand a.rei not 1 mute mglonous Miltons." Consider the majesty of the foil ov. ing lines — If toothache gives you cruel pain Thank God it's not a sprain. From toothache we assuiei you, Blank's Herb Extract will cure you The poet naively lema.rks "The abo\ c is free from acids." If he means the \erse, I assane him he is wiong, for the words ha\e burnt their way into my soul, and have carved their gem-hke sentiment on my heart Oh for such a q- £ t * * * That press telegram fiom Toulon, the other day was quaint, wasn't it 9—9 — ' The steam trials of the Jeanne d'Arc had to be abandoned, owing to the seasickness of the men." Of course, the country scribes have guffawed loudly at tlije idea of a sailor getting seasick. J remember the case of an officer on the Australian station. To be precise, he was a former Admiral's secretary Although he had been in the navy for eighteen years, he. had never made a voyage duimg which he had not been violently seasick Thousands of saalors are as subject to mal de mer in rough weather as the veriest landlubber