It is Town Talk

Free Lance, Volume III, Issue 148, 2 May 1903, Page 26

It is Town Talk

—That the latest title for the capital of the golden Rand is "Gehennasberg. —That there are 4000 Js.P. in New Zealand. Many of them can read and write. —That the yearly crop of "drunks" in New Zealand totals 10,000. Our fine police exist chiefly for the convenience of these gentlemen. —That the query null be put to you sooner of later. "Why did the^ barmaid ale?" You will reply that the reason is because the stout bitter. —That Sir Edmund Barton, Federal Premier, is going to visit New Zealand shortly. Surmised that he intends to learn how to run a country. —That the boy who returned home the other day with his hair cut on one side only, exolamod to Mamma that the barber had only taken three-perm orth off. —That it was a patient and persevering county clerk who kept pegging away at a Government department for three years before he ""ot any reply to his letters. —That ex-prize fighter Frank Slavin is now Commissioner for Oaths m the Klondyke regions. He should have muscle enough to administer his othce with success. —That a Sydney v, oman sued a man for breach of promise the other day. He proposed and was accepted within an, hour of acquaintance. They are a bit casual over there. That an Auckland paper has discovered a modern resurrection. It tells us of the present doings in London of a Boer who was, it declares, "interred" three years ago. That the marriage market is excessively brisk m New Zealand. Not a single lady teacher answered an Education Board advertisement asking for teachers for two schools recently. That a Northern settler has patented a device for holding the tails of cows while milking is proceeding. It id not designed for use with "milch kine with iron caudal appendages. — That a light-fingered professional in court plaintively pleaded that if he worked he was run mas a thief. If he didn't work lie was run in as a vagabond. What's an honest man to do? — That a witness in an Arbitration Court case, down South, was being questioned as to the "various reasons" he had for leaving his employ. One of the reasons given was that he was "sacked." — That an Auckland woman mixed a "drink cure" decoction with her brother's food. He no longer enjoys a pellucid pewter. He is suing her for damages occasioned by loss of a valuable thinst. — That publicans down Chri&tohuroh wav are retrenching. Where once the brilliant incandescent light flashed are now candles. One barman serves the pellucid pint with the aid of a candle inserted in a bottle. — That a Southern magistrate was reoently annoyed at the non-appearance of a defendant in a slander case A detective explained that the slandered gentleman was in goal. The Bench did not order him to appear. — That New Zealand nurses who served m the war receive a gratuity of £3 10s each. It will come in handy for stamps to reply to letters of proposal from patients Most nurses averaged about fifty a day while in Africa. — That a Home paper has the startling statement that a bicycle is a reality, and a sample can now "be seen any day scorching through the streets of a town called Wellington, in New Zealand." Doesn't it "break you up p " — That an extremely prominent country gentleman who became ill at a banquet recently, was suffering from "locomotor ataxia." In the days before he was extremely prominent they used to spell his complaint with five letters. — That a man charged with assault, at the Wellington Police Court, the other morning asked the usual question as to whether he was guilty or not guilty, said he was sorry, but he could not tell until he had heard the evidence. — That a man, who was fined about 30s for allowing gorse to grow on a road, could have been fined £92. What an immense revenue might be raised if someone was fined at this rate for allowing noxious weeds to grow on Crown lands !

That fish are scaice in Wellington w ators. Anglers are keen on the sport in Raglan, but they use their catches for manure ' That medical men are proverbially shoit lived. French physician, Jean David is ju&'t at present looking down the vista of his 103 rd yeai. Tliat one of the strongest men in Wellington has gained his title to that distinction without the aid of Sandow . His favourite vegetables are onions. —That the fact that a policeman visited his country home on leave the other day induced the local paper to chronicle his arrival as a "distinguished visitor." —That quit© a host of ex-soldiers are rushing; into print, claiming to have been with Macdonald at Amaiuba Hill. The said engagement isn't quite the subject for heroics. — That a Taranaki Councillor remarked recently that "there is too much brains in this Council. What is wanted lsi more sinew." How would draught horses fill the bill 9 — That, according to the War Office, the position m Somaliland is not serious. Was this decision arrived at before or after dinner, far from the yell of the coffee-coloured fanatic p — That an Eketahuna settler has been forced to eradicate .a. broom hedge under the Noxious Weeds Act. It was his twenty-five years' old method of co-pintr with river encroachment. — That a country pacer informs its readers that "Captain Hurst, of the barque Castles Holmes, which is suffering from pneumonia, etc. " is m hospital. There is a "patent" slip heie somewhere. — That a miner, who fell down a shaft on the West Coast, and dislocated his shoulder, is all right again. On arrivine: home he fell downstairs, and Dut it in again. Truthful James tells us so. — That an Australian dentist, "down on his luck," is advertising for sale ' a genuine molar, extracted by me from the Duke of York's mouth." He asks but £250 for this specimen of his "crown" work. — That Wellington men are a gallant band. At the Saturday night's peiformance of "Sherlock Holmes," score© of "nature's gentlemen" relinquishing their "early door" seats in favour of ladies who arrived late. — That the assertion that a special boatload of reporters, bound far the' Islands 1 is in the wake of the> Mapounka, their fares having been paid bv members' wives, turns, out to be an invention of the enemy. — That the piassion for killing every kind of microbe will probably kill human beings yet. A piomc party, which ate arsenic-sprayed blackberries the other day, wish they hadn't. Blackberries are noxious weeds, you know. — That an Auckland firm advertised for six weeks for a boy, "shorthand and typewriting preferred, 7s 6d a week." The only applicant was a Chstian Chinaman, newly arrived from Singapore. He is duly installed. — That the moist wounded old soldier England had, recently died, in the person of Matthew Wagg. His injuries numbered seventeen, but the biggest wound was probably that his grateful country let him die in a workhouse. — That the big mat in front of the pit entrance to the Opera House, is coming in for some abuse. On Saturday night, a gentleman at the head of the crowd tripped over it, and fell. Twenty other pushing pittites followed suit. — That a Southern burerlar, who was recently caught red-handed, on being searched, was found to have a list of "people in the public eye," clipped from the dailies. He said "if they are worth a 'par.' they are "worth my attention." — -That poor old England is. away behind time, according to America. Having the most complicated and fastest railway service; in the world, she killed not one oassengrer in 1901 Climb down, Uncle Sam ! Sparsely "roaded" New Zealand might note. — That a, "palmist," up country, re>centlv told a client that "he would be called to a high position m the service of his country." While he- was vet there a detective arrived and arrested him for extensive "false pretences." He is occupying the prophesied position. — That the cyclist who got off his unlighted wheel at midnight, in Cubastreet, and asked a poiliceman for a match to light his lamp, was smart, but he hadn't noticed that he forgot to bring the lamp with him. The police are always thankful for help of this kind. — -That the clever trick of a newlymarried couple in driving to a suburban railway station to dodge rvce and slippers at the town platform was outmanoeuvred Some of their friends travelled by the train to the station at which they did embark. And then didn't the showers fall !

— That, the drought left hundreds of farms in. Australia bare of everything — except the mortgage. — That one's sympathies cannot help going out to the people who deputationlsed the Premier to stop the class-firing volunteers from shooting on Sundays. They might Detiticn the War Office to knock off shooting in Somaliland on the Sabbath. Even the sinless Boers did some high "olass"-firing on that sacred day.