Entre Nous

Free Lance, Volume III, Issue 148, 2 May 1903, Page 14

Entre Nous

A WILLIS-STREET grocer unburdened his mind of the following yarn the other day. A smaat urchin came into his shop with a. list of provisions w ritten on a slip of paper. It covered the w hole range of household necessities, from black-lead to Defiance butter. The grocer arranged the goods in a nice little heap on the counter. Would he please make out the bill ? He did so. The man of sugar asked if the boy would pay cash, or if his mother required him to enter them. As the boy edged off he explained that his mother didn't want anything, but he had to do a sum dealing; with the quantities in the bill, and he wanted to s;et it correct ' * ♦ « Coroner's ]ury work is not nice is it ? Ever been on one p It is a cold and clammy business, that might make one forswear prohibition for ever. Only last week, in a "found drowned" case, a juror complained that there was a very unpleasant odour about the place. "Oh, that's likely enough," replied the coroner, bluntly , "there's a dead Chinaman in the next room." And then up rose a puror clad in his work-aday clothes, and modestly said "I beg your pardon, sir, but I don't think it's the Chow's fault entirely. I think it's me' _ that the gentleman, smells. Y'see, sir, I works in a bone-mill." "Heavens' exclaimed the coroner, "I can stand a fair thine , but a dead Chinaman on one side and a bone-mill on the other is too much. You clear out. and we'll find another iurvman'" Transpired subsequently that the iuror had borrowed that suit He knew a thing or two. • * Everyone knows how to run a paper except the man who has to, and every member of a church congregation could fill the pulpit with more credit than the parson. When congregations fall off, the leaders of the church arrange that the failure in black shall have a "call" elsewhere, and he goes away, and is a big success. It's novelty the people want. Even if the>new r parson tells people the same things as the old one. he tells them in a new way. According to our old friend "Dad's Wayback," however, "The parsons ought to pervide the'r congregations with a bran' new 'ereafter. Ef yous could find a new, up-to-date Heaven, where smokin' was allowed all over ther shop, an' long beers, an' gals that didn't jor, it 'ud give setch a boost up ter religion an' ther churches as they never see in their lives."

So near, and yet so far ' They arrived with a numerous retinue at the Cai-tei-ton railway station, and everybody but the bridegroom, (w horn nobody seemed to take any notice of) was much excited. The bridegroom in an unobtrusive sort of way, walked down by the side of the train, and eventually disapeared in a carnage near the engine. The bride said good-bye to her sisters and friends ten times, the whistle sounded, and as the tram started she skipped into a first-class carriage near the guard's van. Then she thought of her husband and at the same time that unlucky hem." 1 poked hisi head out of a window far ahead, looked appealingly at the blushing creature whom, he had sworn to protect through life. After beincc admonished by the guard, he gave up the idea of risking his neck, and the bride's sisters a.nd friends implored her to be calm, as the separation was only temporary. '* * * Jack axd Jill— Revised Version. Jack and Jill went up a hill, Seated on a tandem , First they rode right keerfully, Then they rode at random. For in gain' down the hill, Jack began a-kissin' , "Jill," he said, "the fools who walk Don't know what they're missin.' " An' admittin' he was right There came a scene appallin', When the hind wheel tire busted An' the riders both went sprawlm'. Jack and Jill went ud the hill — I wuz thar an' seen 'cm — Limpm' painfully along, Pushin' the wheel between 'em. ♦ • ♦ An absent-minded young carpenter gave his workmates a hearty laugh down at Gisborne the other day. Directed to mount a ladder, and saw off some beam-ends that protruded from a corner of the building, he hastened to obey. But he overlooked the fact that one of the beams was that against which his ladder was resting. And it wasn't until he had done the job, and found himself sinkmer gracefully towards mother earth that he discovered _ his blunder. The well-worn tradition about Paddy severing the rope by which he was climbing was here produced in reality. * * * He was a Civil Servant, and the time was the middle of the month. He w r ent into a Quay restaurant said "Hello, Harry, old chap!" to the waiter subsid•ed into his chair and ate heartily. "Put it down, Harry, old boy!" he said to that friend of the dead broke. He was the same Civil Servant, and it was pay day. He carried a silverferrulled oane into the same restaurant, and, looking at "Harry." remarked"Waiter, bring me fish, amd look stharp. What are you waitinor for, and — ■here, a small bottle, too. Hurry up, man'" Familiarity breeds contempt, and a fellow with cash don't know plebian waiters doneherknow.

The severe virtue of a certain type of boarding-house landlady is well known. Even Wellington bears up under its infliction. There is one ancient, dame who makes a speed alty of "good young men," and weeps with joy if she can enmesh a curate. A gentleman from Dunedin, who is taking up a position in this city, recently craved sanctuary of the steely person and having successfully withstood the battery of questions hurled ait him, paid a week's board in advance, and left his trunks. Then, he went down town, to introduce himself to the firm. Returning some hours later, he rang the bell. Mrs. Koldash opened the door. "Oh, it's you, Mr. H ? Well, I've unpacked your trunks. Where's your Bible?" 'Twas their last conversation. He's staying at the "B 2" now. Away back in 1902, a letter was posted in Dunedin to "Stratford, New Zealand." It went to Honolulu, that beine; the nearest post town. After that it went to Oahee, Warwick, Leamington, and fetched up in Stratford on Avon. Here the geniuses of the postoffice made a statement, signed by eight competent witnesses, that there was no such t>erson in Stratford. Somebody thought that if he wrote "Try firs* address^ — Stratford, N.Z." Ih<* matter would be off his mind. And so the addressee, in February, 1903. got the missive. Oh N.Z. is well known in the. great throbbing world all right. A N.Z. man, who took his family to America las* year, writes to say so. He sent his children to school in the States. The teacher paraded them for the inspection, of the children, and solemnly told them that they came from an island in the Pacific too small to he mentioned on the map ' And after all we've done for America-, too' • • • Men were deceivers ever' For instances there is Mr. "Rowley" Robertson whose upper C has earned for him the sobriquet of "Madame Melba." The other night a select company were having a> little "sing-song" at tihe Empire Hotel. "Rowley" regaled the assembled multitude with "Oomin' Thro' the Rye" m his best falsetto style. Enter on tip-toe Mr. Mandel, the proprietor. To the gentleman outside the door he said "I didn't know you had a lady singer m there." "Oh yes," replied the other, "have a look." And the proprietor caught ai glimpse of "Madame Melba" just as he was negotiating that historic "C."

The possession of tact is a boon to any man. Even to a clergyman. The newly-arrived cleric to whom a social was given, m a Taranaki town the other day, is a type of the possessors of tact. In replying to his welcome, he gracefully remarked that the fundls of the church could be kept up without resorting to any "vulgar money-making means such aa socials." They had arranged a dance, those people who were glad the parson had come. He hoped they wouldn't dance. Parishioners didn't dance at Home, don't you know. The use of a large wet blanket of this kind helps the good cause along, and is tactful. Also, it reduces people to that nice meek and harmless frame of mind which is happily considered "good form" in but few places. The clergyman should be popular — at Home. • • • The phonographic clock has come that talks instead of strikes, and Maudie says it's just the thing her doting parent likes. When Bertie sits and burns the gas, and runs the coal bill higher, the phonographic ticker yells a warning to retire. He takes the hint, and sometimes gees, although against his choice, for well the lingering lover 1 knows it is her father's voice. But when that warning's followed up by frantic yells of "Scoot'" he makes a break to reach the door, and dodge the old man's boot. • * # The gas-meter inspector in Auckland recently went his rounds. At the first house m the series of visits the housewife was much annoyed, and threatened him with the law. She wouldn't pay her bill, and he left more in sorrow than in anger. He found a whole street full of annoyed housewives, who emphatically refused to pay their bills twice over. Having got the ear of a reasonable lady, he discovered that a smart gentleman witlh a yarn had been round the day previously collecting tJhe gas money, and he "tumbled." Wonder if one of those "undesirables" is on the job? • • • What's in a name, or fame for that matter? Sir William Wasteneys, Bart.. according to a cable, recently bankrupted. All the papers got the new®. One "well informed" print, within a few miles of Auckland, where the baronet was known, interpreted the cable thus: ''William Wastings, a barrister of New Zealand, has been declared bankrupt," etc. The editor of the paper is an Aucklander born and bred.

A Wellington physician is telling his friends about a cool customer in the way of man-servants that he recently had in his employment. He was a good-look-ing, cheerful individual, and from the first showed the air of one who was satisfied that Jack was as good as his master, if not a darned sight better. Some weeks after his installation,. Dr. Blank had occasion to call upon one of his wealthiest patients, and was detained rather longer than usual. On, his return to the street, both gig and eroom were missine. For some time the doctor stood waiting, reflecting that the man had orobablv gone round the block to keep the horse movine. r

But it soon became evident that somethin.o r was wrong, and, after ringing up his home, and finding that there was no sign of either man or vehicle there, he resumed his rounds by means of cabs and trains. It was towards midnight before the wanderer returned — the horse nearly driven to death, and the gig dust-covered. To his master's questions he made an airy answer. "Well, you know," he said pleasantly, "while I was waiting for you a nice pirl I know came and asked me for a drive. A gentleman couldn't refuse a lady so I took her for a snin mut to tihe Hntt." That was why the doctor advertised next day for a new groom.

A Wellington lady, who was on a visit to Pahakawaiwai, astonished the keeper of the only store m that enlightened village last week by forcing her way past tihe stack of flour-bags and milk^pans in the doorway and saying "I want a sealskin jacket." One could have knocked the storekeeper down with a ping-pong ball. He remarked that he was out of sealskin jackets just now. "Oh, no; I saw a copy in the window'" said the lady. Then, he lost his vision of a hundred-guinea order, and got her Rolf Bolderwood's book without any further hesitation. • ♦ * When lovely woman grabs) the poker And whirls it round above her head, Her husband doesn't want to argue Until he's safe beneath the bed. * * • Mr. Bentley Young, who is now in Wellington in advance of the Hawtrev Comedy Company, is an Englishman by birth, and has been in the colonies' for about fifteen years, ten of which have been spent in journalistic work. While editing the "Building and Engineering Journal," in Melbourne, he employed has spare time in writing press notices and paragraphs for the theatres, and was engaged in this kind of work for Mr. George Musgrove, Mr. J. C. Williamson, and Mr. Wilson Barrett. At the request of the latter he went m advance of his company to Sydney, and remained with him during the season, and was afterwards employed by Mr. Williamson to go in advance of the Italian Opera Concert Company. He then joined Mr. Hawtrey, for whom he has travelled for over a year. Mr. Young, in addition to has literary qualifications, is very fond of music and art. He studied the former ait the Guildhall School of Music, London, and the latter at the South Kensington. School of Art. He has written several part songs, which have been produced by the Sydney Musical Society, and other societies in that city, and also a considerable amount of church music, some of which has been published by Novel 10. Mr. Young's interest in art is evidenced by the fact of his having held the position of honorary secretary of the Victorian Artists' Society. He was also on the council of the South Australian Society of Arts, and the Queensland Art Society, and has read several papers before these societies, two of which, viz., "The Grotesque in Art, and "Mosaics," have been published by scientific journals here and in America. # # A gentleman, in a Newmarket coat and with an unmistaikeable air of prosperity about him, was travelling in a train orowxied with race people. The adoration lavished on him was extreme. He was the authority on every question, from the Premiership to the winner of the New Zealand Cup. At the wayside station it was just the same. "Hello, Mr. Ringer," "Comin' to see us 'fore you go back?" "What, ho, Mr. R., got anything good?" and so on ad mfiniitem. A gentleman on tour be>lievina thait the person must be or the greatest importance, questioned a youth who was following Mr. R. with an expression of rapt interest on his face. "Why," he said, "that's the man as runs the tote'" And such is fame'

He was sitting in a Newtow n-bound oar, examining the opposite windows with a mildly benevolent stare. As an equilabrist he was by no means a CinquevaJh, and he was supplying an atmosphere of hops that spokei of revenue to firms engaged in the bottle lablnifl: industiry. A lady sitting next to him seemed to be affected, as he lurched towards her for the support, he himself could not supply, and an a,ngry light leaped unto her cerulean orb, as he desired a resting place for his tired head on a shoulder covered with an ud-to-date speckled tweed jacket. "If I were your wife, sir. I'd give you a dose of poison 1 " she said, as the car stopped, and jerked the vivant into the arms of a gentleman opposite. "And — hie — if I were your husband, ma'am — hio — by Jove, I'd take it l " replied he, as the inspector told him. he had arrived at his destination. • * • Russia and China are getting at loggerheads again as may be scan, by the following despatches sent, by ethergram — China Wail lee — Me meetee heapee Lussian tloops; me knockee 'em all into a olokeie hatee.— Ching Cholar, Bossee Genelal. The Russian, despatch is as follows Chinawitoh Wallowitch— The Celestda,lowitch trooipsokoff were lastoski naghtovitch knockedimoff higheroski than, a kitoviteh. — Oilymarpariiimofski Trainoiloivitohi Major-General and Second Deputy Czar. • • • Everyone is not. so immensely popular as to receive an 18-gallon cask of 1870 port grown in New Zealand. Anyhow, such a present consigned to a wellknown, man about town, who belongs to the great army of S s, oamo along by the New Plymouth train bringing the Northern mails the other day. Carrier took it along to Mr. S. Mr. S was surprised, but he opined thati it. was all right, as he had a nepherw who girew grapes a.t Whangaxei. Mr. S. works for a big firm, and has a e^reat many friends, and the friends have a lot of dry work to do. He invited them all " to a clay-moistening spreadi, a,nd very little of that port- was left when the guests had sung "F'r 'c's a jolly g'fl'er" for the seventh time. • • • Mr. S ■ two doors down, got a note from, the Waikato on the same day, wdth an invoice from a vigneron that his win© had been despatched "er Northern Company's steamer N . He went to the office, and complained of the non-delivery, and. 'twas only when S ■of the spree met him. and told him what a joyful thing it was> to have a wine^growine nephew at Whangarei that he "tumbled." The guests are paying for that spre© "pro rata." • • • Tale wafted by ebheirgram. from a West Coast town. Seems thaiton St. George's Day one of the flag® hoisted to celebrate the occasion had only got half-way up the pole, and enauiries were rife as to its meaning. "What's Jackson's flaig half-mast for?" queried a citizen of a neighbour. "Why." replied he, "it's St. George's Day, ain't it?^ "Yes. I know, but what of that?' "Well, St. George is dead."

An English paper, in making some remarks about His Honor Mr. Justice Conolly, "who recently retired from the New Zealand Supreme Court Bench," is a but premature. The learned judge is sitting on the Appeal Court Bench at time of writing. The article calls him "the father of the Inner Temple," and eulogises his services to the colony. They should hold jjff their retirement eulogies for a few yeairs more, as His Honor is still going very strong. • • * Two settlers have been discovered in the Ellesmere district who will not grow barley. It is a matter of conscience with them, probably because barLey is used as the basis of an intoxicating beverage. If thisi sort of conscience gets adrift in large lots, the hop industry will follow the vinie-radsing business beoncr fostered by Signor Bragato to destruction. Maize makes 3 drink that has " snakes" in every quart, and arc pies, urvdeir this modern style of conscience, will become but a memory. Who has not felt a sense of delight stealing over him after reasonable application of peach wine? Root out the poach trees. Bananas should not. be imported, for they will develop' alcohol with extreme rapidity. Any grain or any fruit now grown in New Zealand may be used with the same sinful results as are obtained from barley. Why grow anything P There are plenty of fish and fern roots left. • ♦ • Not generally known, that even in New Zealand vendettas are sworn and carried through with the thoroughness of the Corsican variety. Not the poignard and pistol kind certainly, but by the use of a weapon equally deadly. One case is to hand. It seems that a certain young lady in the far South was jilted in a heartless fashion by her fiancee. Whether she died of grief is not known, of course, but she died anyhow. Her sister swore revenge. She bought ai heiap of postcards, and had the one word "brute" printed on them in inch letters:, and posted owe to the jilter every morning. They are delivered with that regularity which is a feature of the Postal Department's work, and the man is 1 getting to believe that life is not wortihi living. The public in the town honoured by the presence of the "brute" knows all about it, and little prattling babes in the street call him by his pet name. Last heard of him his people were considering measurements 1 for a straight waistcoat. • * * Wonder why people go into ecstacy when at man who has been declared bankrupt isi honest enough to pay his back debts? New Zealand papers' are exceedingly fond of telling you that "our esteemed, fellow-townsman, Mr. Bonesi who 'went bung' a while back, hke the reputable citizen he is:, has paid off every penny hie owed. His honesty is deserving of the highest praise." Why? Isn't it just as rear sonable for man to ask a newspaper to publish, the extraordinary news that he has just paid his butcher's bill for last week in full ? It isn't in the least estimable on the part of Mr. Bonesi to pay up every penny of his debts, with interest, added. It is 1 a good business move on the part of any man.

It makes his credit sounder, and in New Zealand — where everyone is for ever scratching each other's" "back — -it exalts him to a pinnacle 1 when he is looked upon as a wonder who dares to be so ridiioulously original as to) p£y what he owes.