It is Town Talk

Free Lance, Volume III, Issue 147, 25 April 1903, Page 26

It is Town Talk

—That the British are still "pegging out" vi the Transvaal. Thought the war was over. "Blood and treasure? —That at Rangitikei recently banquettera toasted three kings in. one night— King Edward, Chairman King, and King Dick. That the cultivation of the intellect in women causes them to lose their beauty. Ergo, Wellington women cannot be intellectual. - —That President Loubert, of France, is a decent sort of a fellow. He spoke of the British first line of defence as the "mighty nary." —That a latelv-invported English domestic asked if she could "clean with alacrity," replied that m her last plaoe she had used soap. —That an Oxford graduate at Carterton recently won a wager by going down the street barefooted. It is a grand thing to have brains. That the Wellington lawyer who asked His Honor to "adjourn the case sine die until next Thursday," knows a thing or two about learning. —That the "Gazette" duly appoints for the next three years as clerk to a Licensing Bench a gentleman who died in 1899. Wanted, a 100 horse-power alarm clock. —That, "At 700 yards— Ready !" was the most interesting order given by a Wellington volunteer officer, at the Easter manoeuvres. The "enemy' was 300 yards distant. —That an alleged ghost is making things lively in the streets of Invercargdl by scaring females. A charge of small shot, placed well aft, would lay the ghost" effectually. —That Dunedin is to have municipal resorts for younp men who are alleged to frequent hotels at present, the charge for admission to be one penny. Wellington wants some too. —That a telegraph messenger down South recently waited at the pleasure of the Premier. His protest to the nnvate secretary was "Tell Dick to get a w riggle on , I'm tired of waiting ! That there are some model bakers m Hobaa-t. A recent inspection of the bread from nineteen bakeries showed that in every case the loaves were overweight, and all made of the best flour. That one of the candidates for Melrose ward, in advocating a destructor for Kilbirnie said that the suburb by the sea should have a "constructor' erected to burn rubbish on the outskirts! — That Pahiatua is said to possess 1 an ainny officer who could clear up the mystery surrounding the suicide of Sir Hector Maodonald, the deceased General's character not being impugned in any way. — That the new "weed destroyer" is doing good work. A hopeless dipso. recently mistook a bottle of it for beer, and he has been sober ever since Friends will kindly accept this, the only intimation. — That a noted physician is endeavouring to burst up the fallacy that anaesthetics are dangerous to people with weak hearts. He says "the weaker the patient the safer the life under chloroform " — That, during; the singing of that fine hymn "Lead Kindly Light " in a Wellington church last Sunday, the usual idiot got in his fin© work at the gas meter, and the music died away "amid th' encircling gloom " — That a citizen, who was supporting telegraph pole m Vivian-street the other night, was amazed when Robert gently removed him. He was under the impression he' was carrying home a rather large stick of firewood. — That, at a ploughing match recently held in a Northern agricultural district, the prize was won by a young woman. Now she is deluged with offers of marriaoce from all the young unmarried farmers m the district. —That a Methodist Debating Club, in the Wairarapa, recently discussed the question, "Can a man conduct a business without telling lies?" They found that he could. He should be put in a museum, and labelled "rare exhibit " — That the recently-elected Licensing Committee for tlue Newtown district have strong and sympathetic leanings towards "the trade," and that they are likely to grant licenses without hesitation." The reason for this unexpected _attitude is that they possess a "large stock of good snirits in Bond." WHiat will the Prohibitionists say to this 5

— That the only man who knows his place and sticks to it, is the bill-poster. — That a railway engine's life averages only about thirty years. But, then, it. smokes. — That we don't hear so much about the fatal effects of football since the motor-car goes the pace that kills. — That you cannot get twopence out of a 'copper." That is why policemen don't pay their fares on the trams .That, ]f it is true that corporations have no souls, there w ill probably be no future punishment for the Trust magnates. — That the scriptural invite "Come over into Macedonia and help us," might very well be accepted at the present juncture. — That the use of phosphates evidently induced an Australian farmer to sax that "they were getting manured to the droughts." — That a non -prohibitionist is at present, appearing without his spectacles. He is looking through other glasses all the time. — That a man charged with drunkenness the other day pleaded that lie had a glass too much because the bailiff was in his house. —That Providence is evidently against Sir Thomas Lipton gathering m the American yacht championship. Why not change the Shamrock's name p — That tram passengeis are treated to a great many derailments just now. General J" believed that no repairs will be effected before the electric car advent. — That a little country paper expressed itself poorly when it remarked that 'at the recent egg laying competition His Worship the Mayor took first prize." — That a Sydney man, on being advised by a doctor the other day to go to a warm climate., w r ent straight home and shot himself. Probably he misunderstood Sawbones. — That the representative pressmen at the Greater Wellington christening banquet bewailed the demise of Meirose Borough. Nd more "scare" headlines and piquant pars. — That a Kilbirnie resident, on Friday morning last , found that his crop of fowls had suddenly grown. The gentle rain of heaven had washed the substantial increase through the fence during the night. — That one of the new Justices of the Peace showed his zeal and his muscle the other day by "chucking out" an unappreciatrve person who scoffed at an inordinately long Ministerial speech. — -That His Worship, dilating on the beauties of Wellington at the Greater Wellington banquet the other night, inadvertently forgot to mention that magnificent monument, the tram sheds. — That a man got two years m Victoria the other day for opening a tobacconist shop. It might be as well to explain that said shop was opened a.t 2 a.m., when the proprietor was fast asleep. — That there was unconscious humour in the recent statement of a countrypaper that "Mr. created a most favourable impression during his tour of his constituency. He delivered no speeches." — That a business man, who lately bragged of his experiences when on holiday in Japan, is now sorry he didn't restrict his confidences. Wife has heard of some of the "experiences," and is making things merry. — That a policeman strolled into an open hotel door one recent Sunday, and leprimanded the landlord for breaking the law. Landlord closed the door at once and refused to break the law any more. Policeman boarder. Court case looming. — That a joker, who sent a fingerprint taken from his own hand to the Australian police, is said to have received the astonishing information that the owner did seven yeais for wnfe beating and ten for forgery. The police love a joke, too. — That the nhilanthropic landloidsof Wellington, who exact only sufficient rent from tenants to satisfy a ciavmg for bread and cheese, should emigrate to the golden Rand. An ex-New Zealand M H R. let his house on the Rand recently for £120 a month. — That m a personal note concerning the married relations of Sir Hector Maodonald and his wife, a ''comp " made a Southern paper say "When Sir Hector rose to fame and distinction her ladyship was ready to atone for past neglect, but the General was unwilling to renew 'martial' relations." — That, in referring to Mr. Chamberlain a w-ell-infoimed country print remarks that "the English Prime Minister told Mr. Seddon, etc " No Balfour obituary is to hand, and it is presumed the naner has the exclusive monopoly of New Zealand Marconigiaphy.

— That ex-Councillor Crawfords "droll tales," and his ouaint references to Mayor Aitken as his "son in law," at the wedding feast of Miss Melrose to old man Wellington, are m circulation as "good things." — That quite a bewildering array of managers, ticket, traffic, and other inspectors) are engaged in tramway work in Wellington. On Friday night last one poor, pathetic little car took the big Neiwtown crowd home from the theatre. There were three cars to take half the number of passengers to Thorndon. Why?