It is Town Talk

Free Lance, Volume III, Issue 142, 21 March 1903, Page 26

It is Town Talk

That there is a man in town who is so witty that Ins wife manufactures all the household butter from the cream ot his jokes. —That the Supreme Court of Dunedin is infested with a plague of flies. The "Star" pathetically asks tlhe .Premier to interfere. —That Major Taylor, the sable cyclist, mil earn about £6000 this year He will not need to "keep sweet" with President Roosevelt.. —That the crowd of golfiste at Miramar on Sunday was perhaps a record one. About fifty tons of human energy thumped the "wee ba'." —That it is believed the "Hawkes have gone to Australia to play cricket. They've been getting their hand m playing bat and ball in New Zealand. —That the railways of Britain killed 21 847 people during the three years ot the South African war. Disease in Africa killed only a few more than this. —That while Bishop Julius, of Christchuich cannot see the harm in playing Sou Sunday, he is teadm| aprotest to prohibit sports on Good Friday. —That a contemporary in chronicling the collision of a tram with a cow, remWks that the "engine cut her into calves." It is supposed "halves' was meant . -That Lord Roberts got £100,000 for his share of the settlement of South Africa Paid bv results, Mr. Chamberlam will probably draw a quarter of a million. —That, "Begorrah, divil an axehandle did oi see in the streets at all, at all " was the disgusted comment ot a new chum Irishman on the quietness of St. Patrick's Day. — That Australian sheep millionaire, Jimmy Tyson died just in time He other day. Tally— looo. —That the plough horses at Taaen wear leather leggings, as a protection against thistles. Horses ought to wear diving suits however, for some of the "Scotohmen" are six feet high. —That a local businness-man, who was recently asked to attend the funeral of a friend's third wife, refused on the ground that he had never been able to proffer an entertainment of the kind in return. —That the only people who got near enough to fight with the Mullah, in Somaliland recently were the Boer scouts. Where are those New Zealanders who wanted to settle the Mullah's hash ? That the humorists who tied a kerosene tin to the tail of a valuable horse, and set him adrift maddened, near Tuapeka, are still at large. \enlywe have some whole-hearted "snorts" m New Zealand. —That a convicted person complained to a Southern head gaoler that he could not eat his meals, as the police had taken his artificial teeth. He was a, suicide maniac, however, and had tried to swallow them. That the country is infested with van-coloured ladies, under numerous titles, including chiromancists, palmists, phrenologists, and fortune-tellers generally. Wanted a "Fortune-tellers' Suppression Bill." — That some people were under the impression that Trade Ambassador John Holmes was paid by the Government to push trade at Home. John says he pushed trade all right, but didn't get a brass farthing. —That, at a recent Salvationist meeting, a Presbyterian person played the music, a Congregatioiialist led the meeting, and a retired brewer took the platform. An impossible conjunction of forces twenty years ago. That the "Army" was annoyed when it read in an Auckland paper that local factories were employing girls at "salvation w r ages." The paper explains that it meant starvation until the copy got into the "comp.'s" hands. That Police Commissioner- elect Dinnie will not, as has been rumoured, give liis sanction to the proposal to clothe the police of New Zealand in kilts. Such a "revelation" wouLd destroy the "footing" of the foorce. —That naughty little boys recently tarred the catches of gates in Kent Terrace, just before the evening-dressed people were ready to go to the theatre. This accounts for the rather sombre colour of a vouna lady's complexion at the theatre last Friday.

That a big pohticaL gun is often simply a smooth bore That many a self-made man would do the job differently if given another chance. —That Yankee corsets are invading the New Zealand market, and they are expected to stay. .That one of the candidates for the Mayoralty of Wailn, in April next, will bo a lady. No, it is not Mrs. Yates. — That a man up Waimate way is going in for training spideis to perform tricks. John Fuller kindly take notice. —That Mr. Arnold recently eulogised the pluck of the "man who oould stand alone with twelve other men round him " — That a local man owned that he was more attached to his pipe than his wife, because he could keep the former from going out I — That an editor, who owns to a weakness for whisky a.nd soda, remarks that "Bung is posing as a martyr with a pewter halo." — That, many little country papers are inkily bewailing the ruling passion of the passing showman to retire without paying his little bill. — That the Invercargill people keep watch and ward over their interests. A new town hall, costing £15,000, is a project in the city of ice. — That a washerwoman. recently brought face to face with justice in a Northern court, owned that .she made £1000 a year at, fortune-telling. — That half-a-dozen New Zealand sopranos are being boomed in their own districts on the strength of compliments which Melba is said to have paid to them. — That Dunedin. brewers who decided to abolish counter lunches abolished so many customers that the old custom ha® crept back again to save the "pubs" from extinction. — That coal in London is at present at the lowest price it has been for over forty years and so is bread. But m Auckland neither article has ever been so dear a® just now. — That Madame Melba speaks more languages than one. — w r ith great effect. Her expressive vocabulary has been the theme of general admiration on some New Zealand wharves. — That a woman whoi can take a, mental inventory of another woman's street attire in half-arininute will occupy an entire morning in telling her neighbours the details. — That a statistician computes that Mr. Seddon has spoken twenty-four million words that have been printed. Someone ought to try that statistician with an offer of a job. — That amongst those who are entitled to vote at the coming licensing ejection in New Zealand are Julius Csesar and J. Christ. One lives at Poverty Bay, and the other at Dannevirke. —That youthful M.H.R. Bedford recently took a flying railway ride over the Midland railway. Says it i& a gigamtio blunder. He knows every sleeper by heart, of course. — That a Scotch town council is approaching Carnegie for the gift of a ska/tang rink to counteract the evil influence of the library he gave the people. Too many "yellow-backs." — That a gorgeously-advertised magician, who is described as being as able to "conjure" as a cow to use a pitchfork, was richly rewarded with garden produce up-country one day last week. — -That a prisoner, who had had some experience, remarked to an Auckland ludge the other day that he rather liked beinc: sent to Mount Eden, as the "at^ tendance there was beyond reproach." — That a Fijian cricket eleven will w ield the willow on the splashy fields of Old England next season, unless they are reformed off the face of the earth by the rival factions in that fiery locality. — That a Southern man is about to manufacture motor cars, which are guaranteed to attain half the speed of any other in, the market. Other manufacturers have not had time to quaal yet. — That the man who had partaken largely of lobsters last Sunday was naturally hurt when, at church, the parson gave out the first lines of the hymn "Christian, dost thou feel them, how they work within ?" — That, at a recent meeting of creditors, an undertaker remarked that butchers were luckier than the gentlemen of the hat-band. While the debtor had £50 of debts on hi® books, he had £400 for funerals entered up. — -That the cab horses of Masterton quite beat the performance of FitzGerald's dancing horses when the firm's big elephant struck that town. Bv the wav did you ever try a young horse w ith a first sight of a camel ?