Entre Nous

Free Lance, Volume III, Issue 142, 21 March 1903, Page 14

Entre Nous

HE is an eminent citizen, but we shall not give his name away. His better-half was out of town for the day, and he was booked that night for the Wellington Fire Brigade's annual dinner. The male laundress had had strict injunctions to give delivery of liis linen, and, of course, when that eminent citizen got home, after office hours, his first care was to make sure that his ' biled shirts" had come duly to hand. On the window-sill by the back-door he found a note from the washerman, containing the laconic message ' Shirts in cellar." To the cellar accordingly he repaired, and, to his horror, found that the coal man had been along, and had shot down a ton of black diamonds. As for the shirts, there was no sign of them. » • * Here was a pretty how-de-do! He could not think of going to the dinner without a freshly starched and ironed shirt-front, and here was his entire w eekly stock of clean linen buried under that heap of coal. Still, hope swings eternal, etc. Peradventure the brown paper parcel which usually enfolded the 9hirts was stall intact, and with care he mierht recover his linen unsoiled. Accordingly, he stripped off his outer garments, and got to work with a garden fork. It was a slow business and he had to poke about gingerly lest he should impale those buned shirts. After shifting quite half-a-ton of coal, at the expense of incredible labour and with perspiration streaming from every pore he concluded that the linen could not be there. He paused to reflect. Could the laund^ryman have mistaken an opening leading under the house for the cellar ? His soul leaped at the idea. In an instant he was there, and there also ww r e>re the shirts. But, he had spoiled a new pair of pants in his coalshifting operations, felt grimy from head to foot, and had entirely lost his appetite and has temper when he turned up at the firemen's banquet. He has been waiting and watching for that male laundress ever since. • * * The Rev. Mr. Cook, of Dannevirke, who sings a good song in a decent tenor voice and who is a very strong prohibi-

tionifet, of the Wesleyou persuasion, is being promoted from the Bush to this city. Mr. Cook was not originally designed for the cloth, for when he came to Australia, a few years ago, he nasa layman, and entered the church as. a probationer. He has a reputation for hard work and long houis in the land of the sawmill . Daxmevrrke gaaps when it hears that Rev. E. Robertslhawe is going to have a three months' holiday. It is generally understood that he is an ex-athlete and farmer, and that the constitution necces>sary for that sorb of thing has enabled him toi plug away at the ministry in the Bush for twenty-three years. He gets the respect of the "bushies," but has never yet been known to "persuade" his flock in the old professional way. Of course, the Bush is plentiful ly besprinkled with Danes, Swede® and Norwegians, and the Revs. Topholm and Hies look after their spiritual welfare. The former has recently returned from a. tri.™ to Denmark, and his Danish flock in the milky ways of Norsewood listen with rapt attention to his tales of Home. The latter gentleman is the general business parson of the> Bush but with all his business ability he has not earnered much wealth for himself. He is known mainly for his large charities and his wish to become mayor of the sawdust oitv. His policy is "go slow," and he observed recently that' a drainage system would be urgently needed — in tw enty years time ' * * * People who are thirsting to give purses of sovereigns are hard to stop. A policeman who was recently offered such a tribute, of course, refused it as being against the regulations. The regulations do not say anything about wives of policemen, and the sovereigns got there iust the same Rumours are afloat that Mr. Tunbridge is to be given a purse. The project, of course, will fall through, as the regulations cover nearl" all the most exalted nubhc sei'vants. • * • A mihtairy gentleman from Auckland, who is the soul of smiling politeness, chased a car down Cuba-street on Monday morning. He made no protest when he caught the car. The guard, however, was incensed at the idea of a man chasing his sacred vehicle. "We can't stop for yer if yer ain't there when we gets there !" he said. As the passenger had not asked him, nobody knows why he should go out out of his way to fume. Further down the street, the same impolite guard started his toboggan going as some ladies were getting out. "Can't wait fer yer if yer don't hurry'" he said. Most of the guards are reasonably polite, but there are some in the employ of the Council who would like to run the system.

The scientific gentleman, who is travelling the country lecturing on "Eairs and Nose," is ahle to tell by the shape of your nose whether you wear Jaeger's sanitary garments, or to tell whether you are in favour of national purses by an examination of your shelllike auricular appendage. He was w axing eloquent on ears in a little town with a long name last week. His method is to point out some person in the audience, with a erenerous nose, or an ear in tlhe attitude of listening, and to expatiate) on the characteristics of the owner. "There," he said pointing a spatulous finger at a bald-headed mam, with an eiar of the type usually known as the "ferox," slant eyes, mouth down at the corners, and a general catlike expression all round. • * * ' That man has benevolence very laage his perfect ear is turned towards the words of wisdom. Its largeness is in proportion to the size of his heart. There is expression in the lobe, see the blood mantling in the delicate and sensitive organ. " Everyone turned, and gazed at the man with the perfect ear. "If you'd like to look at it Professor," said he, "here it is. Kindly hand it up will you ? " unbuckling the wax organ, and giving it to the man in front. "S'pose you don't go much on eves do you?" he continued , "if you do, here is a perfect specimen of the oculist's art.'" as he deftly dropped a spangled blue marble into his palm. The story has gone abroad, and that lecturen' is not raking in the "spondulix'' reouiisite and necessary to pay gas bills and the hire of haills. * * * Said a bad little youngster named Beauchamp, Those jelly tarts how can I reauchamp p To my parents I'd go, But they always say 'No'" No matter how much I besauchamp." ♦ • • Taranaki yearns for a visit from the Australian Squadron. Its " Daily News" does not see why the fleet should not ''anchor off the breakwater for a couple of days, and give the people of Taranaki a chance of seeing some of the King's ships." The idea of risking valuable warships in that exposed roadstead, chiefly to provide a rairee show for the people of Taranaki, is enough to furnish Admiral Fansthawe with nightmares for a month. He would rather live in Auckland Admiralty House.

The average baker will always be an abused peirson until he quits sending bills in, and wraps each free loaf in a germ-proof cover. In regard to what it required of the dough manipulator one "floury" carter says . — "Pharoah's baker was better off when he was in gaol than is a modern dough-puncher; the cart goes round and the women folk meet him with a storm of accusations. His boss is called all sorts of names, and accused of raising the price of bread to make his fortune rapidly. One dame says there is too much crust on the loaves, and the boarders break their teeth, while three doors off the housewife says the loaves are not browned and the bread is too soft. * * * "No. 3 declares that the baker uses alum to make the bread so white while No. 4 wonders what makes it so dark, and expresses the opinion that it is made of cheap American flour. No. 5 says if she couldn't bake better stuff she'd shoot herself. One young wife is positive that boiled potatoes are mixed with the flour and others are continually asking if the loaves are full weight. Worse than all the customers eat the bread, and don't pay up." * * * Wanganui is in the throes of beer versus prohibition, and the wild shrieks of the opposing factions are heard far away. This is how the anti-water organ gets to work on the subject — ' The Prohibition craze is utterly impracticable in all its aim® and methods, and it will die out like other fads which ■n ere fanned into a flame by a few loudvoiced people, who rose to notoriety by their advocacy of impossible methods for the bnneine: about of the millennium, or tihe mythical reign of self-elected saints." * * * She was gazing in at Kirkcaldie and Stains' shop-window, as two Johnnies from the Big Buildings passed by. "Yes." said Reggie "I know her to speak to, but not by eight." "You mean that you know her by sight, but not to speak to," corrected Alfy. "Do I?" asked Reggie, anxiously. "Of course, you do. You have seen her so often that you know who she is, but you have never been introduced to her. Isn't that it ?" "No, that isn't it. I never saw her at all to know her, but I speak to her nearly every day." "How can that be?" "Easily enough, old man, she's one of the telephone girls at the Exchange."

11l one of the towns of the South there is a local magnate whose malapropnsms have long been among the standing jests of the community. Two ol- his latest gems — Someone suggested lately in his hearing that his daughter was rather delicate. ' Delicate !" said the indignant parent, "why, she's the most indelicate girl in the whole town." On another occasion, he was protesting against the credit ascribed to a fellow councillor for his share in certain local schemes. "To tell the truth " said Malaprop, "he don't, amount to anythin' m the Council. He's a, mere siphon!"

The champion advertisement of the week comes from Feilding: — "Wanted known — That tihe Salvation, Army harvest festival meetings will commence on Sunday and last till Wednesday night. Bright meetings and lots of sining. Will you be there " With such a prospect for a real good time, the attendance was, of course, unprecedented. The noble cause of mirth would be in a parlous state but for the originality of the country "comp." It is only fair to say that the paper mildly explained in a subsequent issue that "sinin^" ought to ha,ve been "singing."

A gentleman, with a tonsure like vermilion seaweed, a tnrnace breath, and a complexion like a sunset, called on us> yesterday, and. asked us to vote ' moderate" at the licensing elections. To while away the time, which is of no account to us, he told a yarn. Three zealous policeman heard voices in a Wellington "pub." 'Twas after hours. Policeman No. 1 entered by an unlocked side-door, policeman No. 2 stood with his eagle eye glued to one side of the house, and No. 3 waited at the window. Hist! a step. 'Tis like FitzGerald's biggest elephant, wearing soup tureens for boots, under the influence of tw elve gallons of grin, in a bottle factory. He comes — through the window ' 'Tis constable No. 1. Chasing him. with a malevolent chair, us his sergeant, supported on one flank by the superintendent of the local Sundayschool, and on the other by a prohibitionist J.P. They had been having a birthday party, or something. If you believe this yarn, as told by the gentleman with the sunset complexion, you have faith enough for any enterprise. * * * Do not throw fruit skins on oui smooth and sand-papered sidewalks', for there is a tale going around about a person who fell in over a banana oaisliig. A youth threw such a skin on the path. An impulsive gentleman, coming up behind, and seeing this thoughtless act, determined to teach the boy a lesson. Treading on the skin and feigning to lose his balance, he threw out has arms violently to retain it, and m doing so managed to give his victim a stinging box on the ears. Upon the astonished and irate father turning upon him, with dire threats, of the lav/ he became profuse of apology, blamed the banana skin, read the lad a homily upon the latent dangers that resided in bananas on footpaths, quoted his last experience, which had consisted of three weeks in bed from slipping on a banana skin, and then disappeared with a hurried "Good morning." m There was some little stir in Australia recently about the award of a V.C. It seems that a whole squadron of Australian mounted men behaved so gallantly during an engagement in the latter part of the South African war, that the remnant were all recommended for the "penn'orth of gun-metal." The Wax Office has intimated that it can only grant one V.C. and that the men of the squadron must elect one man for the distinction. At a meeting, recently held, the men polled. It was found that seven-eighths of the votes w ere for one man • • • The officer commanding the regiment enquned what special act this brave man had performed. It was made public by the sergeant-major. "Well sir," he said, ''while we were taking the kopie, Private Cornstalk was m the rear looting a 'pub.,' and by the time we had done our work he was on the ground with two 18-gallon kegs of beer in a Cape cart'" If this yarn isn't true, it deserves to be.

The ordinary New Zealander, if he is thumped very hard oil one side of the head, will thump very hard back, sinful though it may be. The other day a oasei was heard in a magistrate's couit mi which defendant had done nothing much except hold the plaintiff off, because has breath didn't smell exactly like violets. The callow legal youth who defended the plaintiff asked the defendant if he was fond of using his fists, but that meek man said he hatejd to do anything like that. Would the learned counsel care to come out and sample his gentleness p The magistrate turned up the authorities, but oould not find any precedent permitting him to allow sport of this kind, so disappointedly fined the meek defendant 10s. * * • Evidently "snow -droppers" had been doui? Kilbixnie, for when the wife of a well-known citizen got home on Tuesday might she found that her clothes-line w as naked. The thieves had taken even the pegs' The funny thing was that the man of the house had been engaged indoors all the time, and had not heard the marauders. His wife did not forget to remind him of his thick-headed-ness from time to time during the nieht, you may denend. Next morning, Mrs. Nexdore, from over the fence, handed in those "stolen" clothes. Said it looked like rain, and thus her wholesale sweep. Police not required after all

Breathes there a man v^ ith. soul so dead, Who never to himself hath said, "My trade of late has been so bad, I'll try another ten-inch 'ad?" If such there be — go, mark him well, For him no bank account shall swell, Nor angel watch the golden stair To welcome home a millionaire. * • • One of Wellington's most^sought-after society men was "rung up" in his office the other morning. "Is that you, Mr. — ? " came a feminine voice. "Yes." "We have a little affair on this evening. Dinner — and afterwards — you know l " "Right I'll be there in full fig I" He was there on, time and tihe host and hostess, after they had cordially welcomed him went outside and recriminated one another. "Why didn't you tell me Mr. was coming 9" said he. "Why didn't you let me know you had asked him ?" retorted she. As for the popular one, who is the life and soul of aniy gathering he happens to attend, had a "really good time " * • Next morning, the 'phone. "That you, Mr. — ?" asked a feminine voice. "Yes'" "We were awfully disappointed you didn't turn up last night. Kept dinner waiting for twenty minutes!" "What? My dear Miss by the way, who's speaking?" "Miss "i" Then, he "tumbled."

He had struck the wrong dinner party, an uninvited, but welcome, guest. Now, that popular young man is unable to go to his- club, or any other place where men most da congregate, without being met with the chorus : " 'S'pose you've got an invite, old man?" • • « It is hard to beat a real live Bachelor oi Science for originality and resource. A tale is being told in town about a» party of four men, three common., or garden, city men and one learned scientist, who went "gunning" to Orongorongo. It rained at Orongorongo. It generally does. When the heavens opened, the scientist disappeared. When they closed, he came to light, dry as a chip and beaming through his spectacles. The other three men were wet as shags'. How did he manage it ? Well, he merely took off his clothes, folded them, up into a neat parcel, and sat on them while the rain lasted. He is not likely to patent this new kind of umbrella. * * The average person in New Zealand is decently educated, but there are still a few who would make picturesque journalists without having a bewildering knowledge of English. On a fence, nearby a rather dilapidated hut, with a shingle roof, in the Manawatu, if you look you may find this notice : — " Coblar, daler in Bacco and Pig Bacon and Gingerbred Eggs laid every morning by me, and very good Paradise, in the summer gentlemen and Lady can have good Tae and Crumpets, and Strawbery with a scim milk, because I can't, get no cream. N.B.— Shuse: and Boots mended well." * * * Truth is a heap stranger than fiction. Here is a slab that gives a knock-out blow to most yellowbacks 1 . A Southern citizen., of whom little was known except that he had a "past " and earned £1 a week, recently contracted influenza. A male friend nursed him. During his illnessi, a woman called upon him, did some theatrical business said she was his little Nellie, and had come back to be his own little popsy-wopsie, and all that kind of thing The fact is. the chap she had run away with had made a heap of dollars in Mexico, and bad died, leaving her property to the value of £100.000. Would the husband be good enough to get better and help her spend it? His early love surged right up, and shifted the influenza microbe. The lady captured the microbe, and the microbe got to work on a changeable woman, and tihe undertaker was called in. Now, there is a sorrowing widower around, with black clothes and a bright smile, looking for someone on whom to confer the burden of a priceless love. • • • Little fisher maiden Angling at Day's Bay ; Patient fisher maiden Waiting there all day. A bobbing float, a little tug, Heir heart goes pit-a-pat; Patient little fisher mug Caught a little sprat!