It is Town Talk

Free Lance, Volume III, Issue 141, 14 March 1903, Page 26

It is Town Talk

That quite a few little bibles make a big flame, if burnt in Fiji. Somehow, such files spiead. —That one of the English cricketers ib leaving his heart v.ith a New Zealand girl, and will bring his hand along later on. .That the man v.ho wanted to buy a house "on the insolvent plan" was not inventing a new method, but, only a new name. —That a Nelson family was recently badly poisoned by eating smoked fish. Even the family cat, flinch partook treely, is missing —That a gentleman aged sixty-three has recently ridden on, a bike aged sixteen, from Auckland to Wellington, to see the ''lions." That political fame is an ephemeral tiling A Waikato paper sneaks of the great British apostle of Freetrade a& William Bright. That a Marlbo,rough farmer, who two yeais ago borrowed extensively to take" up land got a cheque for £300 for cream, last month. That one of the few lucky investors at the races recently purposes investing his fl innings in an engagement nng. Another risky speculation' — That a Wellington girl, who attended every sale m Wellington, still has a craze for remnants. She has married a man with one arm. That the Wellington nipper, who gave "beauty" as the feminine of ''beau " did not. as has been reported, get "skelped" by the fair teacher. —That Sir John See, of Commonwealth political fame, has postponed his pronosed visit to New Zealand. The fact is, Australia is retrenching. That the tallest man in the Wellington police force is 6ft 6fin. He will stay no "longer" in Wellington, and is leaving "shortly" for his health's sake. — That a country print, in reporting a bugx^y accident, that befel a parson remarks that "fortunately the reverend gentleman fell on his face." Pretty hard. — That an Australian settler, mined by the drought, first swallow ed the coiir tents of a box of matches, and then poured lighted benzine dofl n on top. He was dry. —That marriage is easily arranged in some of the Southern districts. There is a matrimonial agent doing a big business finding wives or husbands at fh c shillings a-pLece. — That Waihi sand grows vegetables. A re-h-able authontv states that common Waihi potatoes have to be divided into three narts before they will go into a gallon saucepan. — That bloodless sectarian w a.r is raging pretty freely in the King's dominions. Wonder if we'll retrograde to the old-time "faith" with boiling oil, racks, and thumbscrews in it ? — That in future cricket matches betfl een English and New Zealand teams, the Englishmen might fairly be handicapped bv being forced to wear hobbles, and "bat" with a stump — That the Australian police, with every kind of criminal spread around the country, are engaged principally m expressing Chinese gambling. New Zealand's influence again ' — That, following the lead of the Federal Health authorities, the NewZealand Department might look closely into the composition of "raspberry" and other 'fiuit" diinks retailed in Wellington. — That Pahiatua has a domestic servant de Rougemont. Her thrilling adventures have caused the cry to circulate ''Where are the police ? " The police, however are unable to catch a nightmare . — 'That, s&ve<ral "tourists" were struck dumb with amazement when, after doing a solid grumble about the lunch at Mercer, their money was returned. "No satisfaction no pay," so said the mistress in charge. — That, should any of our champion shots ever be called upon to face the foe. the authorities might give them a paokhorses to carry the articles requisite and necessary for them to make their rifles a dependable weapon. That the councillor who was examining a Health Department document, dealing with vaccination, publicly called the attention of his colleagues to the misspelling of the word "limp." The ignorant authorities spell it "lymph."

— That some of the English cucketeis have left a nasty taste in the mouths of many people m Wellington. — That the man who loves e\eiybody is usually the chap who announces his candidatuie foi a. seat on a borough council — That Melba admires the 'fiesh, gieen appearance" of New Zealand. Referring to those rushers of guinea seats no doubt. — That the bi ewers are showing no unusual delay in razing those decayed hotels to the earth. Wellington will yet be a modern town architecturally. — That the appointment of a nightsoil contractor is a more urgent need in the Borough of Omslow than even the repairing of the Hutt-road sludge channel. — That an Auckland Chinaman was recently ordered to pay a fine and costs amounting to 395, for being the owner of a dog w ith a w eakness for human flesh. — That the man who stole an exsoldier's medal from his jacket at the Garrison Bazaar may congratulate' himself as being the meanest sneak thief Wellington has turned out. — That it is unfortunate that a noted English firm should have patented a new sca,le, branding it "the* ambush." Reference to Webster tells, us that ambush means "lying in wait." — That the long list of derelict Wellington hotels, condemned by the Licensing Committee, indicates that the brewers are just now deep in the intricacies of architects' plans. — That young Mellor, the youthful and successful bandsman, of Waihi has been commanded by King Dick to have his photograph taken. Pagamni, Gerardy, and Co. make way ' — That a nearby borough council passed a byer-law dealme with the unhghted midnight bike lamp, the other day. The first persons to be fined under the ne^ bye-law were four of the councillors ' — That, in reply to a magistrate, who desired a chronic "drunk" to be auiet, in at Southern Court, the inebriate remarked. "Shurrup , Ive — hie — got as much right 'ere as you 'aye '" One month. — That the several up-country youths who "bought" bikes by payment of a small instalment, took them a hundred miles away and sold them for £5 a time, ought to be let off, unless the persons who purchased them are made accessories. — That, ow ing to the frequency of aerolites, and heavenly missiles generally, an insurance company is raving "cover" oven- injury by falling "stars," geyser stones, earthquakes, and kindied feaisomeness. — That Southern papers are making rude lemarks about New Zealand hquor under the names of fusel oil, cocculus indicus, grains of paradise, etc. It is alleged that some New Zealand alcoholic liquor is not pure ' — That, at a recent meeting, convened for the purpose of enlisting sympathy m the New T Zealand Society of Loyal Women, founded to keep New Zealanders' graves in Africa m order, tw o loyal women turned up. — That an Auckland lady recently sued the Ferry Company for four hats worn by herself and daughters, alleged to have been spoilt by "smuts" from the funnel of a boat. Nonsuited Winter hats were in the windows at the time. — That a Southern paper remarks that an octogenarian, who walked out of a four-storey window , and arrived on the pavement dead had heart disease and partial paralysis. It thinks the fall "might" have accelerated his end ' — That a goldfields paper got its Police Court, report badly mixed up. It represented "Mr. Drunkenness" as sitting on the Bench, and the mayor of the towTi as admitting some offence, but left you to guess what the offence was. — That habit sticks. Some New South Wales ex-soldiers were recently imprisoned for cattle stealing. The judge said that Australians "were the most inveterate thieves in South Africa." New Zealand plays second fiddle again' — That old England seems to be progressing after all. She has closed several thousands of hotels during the past few years, and a new law enacts that no bettmg or w agercng shall fca,ke place on any sport or competition. NewZealand's influence again ' — That the new and "democratic" borough of Waihi refuses licenses to hawkers, "because they interfere with the trade of shop-keepers." The haw kers are applying to the Council for the shops to be closed because they interfere with the trade of hawkers. — -That Lusk, the Hawke's Bay cricketer, had a unique experience w hile m Wellington. He was invited to dinner at the Wellington Club one evening, and so were some of the English cricketers. The latter invited Lusk to go with them in their cab, and when they got to the Club left Lusk to pay for the hire of the vehicle.

— That the municipal authorities of Dunedm are evidently a cosmopolitan set of officials. For their electric tramvi ay they send to Belgium for the rails, America for the cars, Germany for the battery, Britain for the electric -<lan,t. and New South Wales for the sleepers. Where does New Zealand come in ?