Afternoon Tea Gossip

Free Lance, Volume III, Issue 141, 14 March 1903, Page 12

Afternoon Tea Gossip

By Little Miss Muffitt.

A grasshopper getting in the line of file at Treiitham may give, the runnerup a chance of a championship. At BarcaJdine, in Queensland, the local shots have put off their meeting for a year. The flies are so bad that the shootists cannot see the target. * * * There is a man m Wellington who dabbles in stocks. Ten years ago he was dabbling with a shovel. Now he is -thinking of buying a motor-car, and wearing a clean collar every day. The seciet of his success? He tells me "I pay for something that I can't pet with money that I haven't got and then sell what I never had for more than it ever cost." * * * A French firm of absinthe distillers was recently awarded £1000 damages. Prohibitionists said that alcohol was poison, and the firm was hurt. It appears it is not. Just fancy all our beer people proceeding against the prohibitionists for libel' Also, imagine a magistracy in New Zealand doing anything so unusual as to find a verdict for beer ' * ♦ * I daresay the Rev. James Duncan, of Foxton, can remember the time when the Maori was partial to "long pig," and put in many pleasant hours engulfing their enemies. He is the oldest Presbyterian pan-son in New Zealand, and, although ninety years of age, is able to expound the Scriptures as of yore. He is one of the most fluent Maori scholars in New Zealand. * # • Mr. Chamberlain's distinguishing marks are a monocle and a priceless orchid. Talking about "priceless," a Rand firm sent the Empire's Joe a couple of choice blooms every day while he was on his subduing tour. Funny how small things make the characteristics of great men. Who*, for instance, ever saw Mr. E. M. Smith, of ironsand fame with a tie on? * * * The Farmeis' Union is not a political organisation. Decidely not. One prominent member of a branch not a thousand leagues from Poneke kindly remarked recently "The Administration which opposes the farmers should be hanged, one bv one." There is something of the dear old French Republican style about this, absolutely refreshing in these days of universal brotherhood * •* *■ There is an old-fashioned parson left up the country, and I have no doubt that the average theatrical agemt will agree with him when he says "I would rather see my churcih swept from off the face of the earth than to know that it was supported by money taken at socials and dances Such methods degrade the church to the level of a music hall, and to obtain revenue in such a manner is not only sinful, but vulgar " * * * In some of those deadly dull English dress and society journals, which are heavy enough to warrant the authorities in charging double postage rates, one occasionally drops across a humorous advertisement. Here is one from the excellent w eekly with the largest circulation, in London — ■' A lady of quality desires to intimate that she gives instructions in. the art of smiling. To those who desire to smile hke Her Maiesty the Queen she guarantees to perfect in three lessons. — Lady Mabel , 110, P Square, London, W " * * • Yet another advertisement from the same journal — "A gentleman, moving in the highest circles, will supply clients w ith anecdotes about His Majesty the King and other royal persons , guaranteed absolutely new Prices from Is to os each H. J., office of the " * • • The wily ways of the horse-dealei Dow T n South recently a noble quadruped, w Inch was started at 10s, w r as so persistently "lun up" by a well-known judge of horseflesh that he was eventually auctioned for £3o to a recent arrival from England It having been discovered that the horse expert was sharing the profits made by the owner, who bought the horse for £1 10s the case is goinp 1 into court. The wily way of ' running up" is extremely common I grieve to say.

Ho ii>i is a, lecent advertisement "A respectable uomaJi wants washing and cleaning bv the da\ -Box 9000 P.O " Evidently a case foi Fne Bngade Inspector Hugo. Mr. Lane, one of the Boei delegates, is very green. Not in the way you think, however Lyddite got to woik on him at Paardeburg, so he says. I don't know what kind of a mark lyddite makes on a man, but it produces a sickly yellow tinge on mother earth. * * * A new Army order piohibits officers flom w earing corsets ! This is interfering with the rip-hts of the subject with a vengeance. In defence of the very common practice of wearing stays 1 , a distinguished general officer remarks that the corset is a support to officers w ith w eak backs ' * * •* You know of course that cadets in the military colleges are not admitted to the Army if physically unfit p Seems to me as if generals had bought backbones m the past. Imagine 1 the authorities refusing the son of a peer, for instance, just because he was no earthly good anywhere except at a< mock courtmartial in barracks ' « • • Perhaps you ha.ye noticed that the average fish hawker of Wellington has changed his note, and is practising flute-like runs and trills. The reason seems to be that the Italian tenor, Giorgini, whose wondrous voice was developed by shouting "Fish oh'" in his own language, is now the top-notoh trill er in the land of wine, brunette beauties, and Government lotteries. * * • I note with pleasure that the Educational Department of Chicago intend eliminating the word "lady," and substituting "w oman" in all the schoolbooks. The word "gentleman" is to be similarly deleted in favour of "man." If such a needed reform were brought about in New Zealand, the "lady-help" difficulty might be cleared up. We, being: democratic, however, are hardly likely to class all females together are we 0 # * *■ Rev. Leonard Isitt, who is earning big money at Home, like many other colonials, rails from afar off at this country. He says "It was almost too much 1 to hope for a continuance at the same high level, and that recent advices received from the colony mentioned si^ns of an approaching period of depression." Wonder if sly shots 1 such as these are inimical to the colony's credit at Home p # * # Mr. Jooste (pronounce it Yoosey, please) one of the Boer agricultural delegates, was tackled by the tousled he lily of the Domain at Sydney, before he had. taken half-a-dozen steps. "S'pose you 'av'n't got a bob, mister?" Which reminds me that Sydney can fairly boast of havine more able-bodied beggars to the block than any part of the British Empire. The philanthropists of the Harbour City are at present conducting a crusade against "ablebodied mendicants " • * • Talking about able-bodied wastrels, a meek-looking man ' stuck up" a stranger in Adelaide-road last Saturday. Hadn't had a "feed" for two days. Engineer belonging to Queensland etc. Result, a shilling for a "feed." Would like to sleep m a bed once again. Result, another shilling. "If I 'ad a crow n now I'd be able to get me tools outer pawn'" Watching that engineer, I find that publicans have evidently gone in for the pawnbrokmg business! * *■ * I expect grief at the death of that fine old statesman, Mr Rolleston was the cause, but certainly one country compositor's feelings were too much for him Here is the result — "Oingo came along very fast on the outside, and the whips were going on lodging to w Inch on lodging to w Inch Mr. Rolleston came from the comfortable if not luxurious life of a Cambridge student. And he thoroughly enjoyed it' Nor did he seek to alter it when he became his own station the only point on which he showed any fastidiousness being m the matter of cleanliness, and won by a short neck " * * • The ancient educational idea of instilling the names of parched villages m Asia Minor frozen towns in Sibeiia, etc. is dying out, thank goodness. Modem people want their children to know something about their own country its products, business, and geoeraphv. How many youngsters in Wellington know anything about wool, foi instance? Kapok bv any other name would look the same. There was no reason for that city schoolmaster, however, to punish a boy because he would not say what his coat was made of, as the boy afterwards explained to his mates "I wasn't goin' to tell old Waxy me coat was made outer father's old pants, not me'"

Lord Tennyson, Governor-General of the Commonwealth, has been asked to call on Australians who fancy they can sing and act to quit rushing to London unless they have lots of money, a good herald, and a voice. It seems that colonial would-be "stars" are, in many cases stranded and in difficulties in the big city, and the fact that many of them expect the Australian public to pay their fares back is the reason of this appeal to the Governor-General. * * * The tuneful Alexander, who accompanied the toirrential Torrey on the hymnbook, when the pair were m New Zealand, finds that it is not easy to get an English crowd to sing. A friend writes me that at a recent meeting, held in London, the crowd made a pitiable attempt to assist Alexander. After some of the polished abuse, of which he was a master Alexander said "Ah guess you people ain't a, patch on the New Zealanders in the hymn^singmg line'" * • • Have you ever been in court, when a Chinese witness is isworn? In a Southern court recently there were ten Celestial witnesses. They remarked that the administration of the oath by the Chinese custom of blowing out a match would do. The J.P. on the bench insisted however, that the more binding oath that of cutting off the head of a rooster must be conformed to. Thereupon ten roosters passed in their checks. Light is thrown on the action of that stern J.P. when it is known that he was a r>oultry dealer. * * * Seeing that "Buffalo Bill" will "along hyar" when he has dome Australia, I would like to prepare you for him. Tay Pay O'Connor gets to work on Colonel Cody this way — "Here is one of Nature's noblemen ; one of the aristocracy fashioned by the hand that made cloud, and mountain, and all the great and fine things 1 of the earth. First, he is, perhaps*, the handsomest of living men • handsome not merely in the extraordinary beauty of his features, and especially of his eyes, but equally handsome in the wondrous crace and robustness of his figure. I have never seen finer eyes than Buffalo Bill's— beautiful in shape, beautiful in their rich brown colour but more beautiful than all in a perfect sincerity and sweetness of expression that make you feel as though you were looking into a. fresh fountain on a country road under a shining summer sun." Buffalo Bill has a page advertisement in T. P.'s weekly.