Entre Nous

Free Lance, Volume III, Issue 140, 7 March 1903, Page 14

Entre Nous

BARRETT'S Hotel is in process of demolition, and, so far as the original structure is concerned, will soon be only a memory and a name. What an animated story it could tell if scantling and plaster were only able to transmit their experiences ! Time w as when Barrett's was the most stylish and fashionable hostelry in Wellington. The young bloods of past generations — many of them staid papas and rheumaticky grandpas of the present — were wont to assemble there to exchange gossip, and to bask in the smiles of the particular Flossies who adorned the bar Thither also resorted the leading stars of the Thespian firmament who happened to be on tour in the colony. Theie is even now a worthy citizen on the Quay who in his giddy youth, was wont to board regularly at Barrett's. And as he stood looking sadly the other day at the w orkmen hacking dow n the walls and ripping up the floors which were the scene of so much forgotten gaity, his mind leaped swiftly back to a sensational event that took place on that memorable spot a-many years ago. It was somewhere in the frolicsome Fifties, when Wellington had not even started to call itself the Empire City, and when its jealous rivals used to take pleasure in referring to it as the fishing village at Port Nick. It was a hot. muggy night and the buxom barmaids jerked the beer-engines and opened bottles at a great rate to slake the thirst which afflicted the crowd of Johnnies who filled the house. • • • In the wee sma' hoors, w hen business w T as still goan,^ strong there was a tremendous earthquake shoek — a record even for ouaky Wellington — and the gilded youth of the place poured out of the hotel in frantic conviction that the last day had arrived. Just at that time the mam drain of the town was being constructed along Lambton Quay, and right opposite Barrett's it formed a trench about twelve feet wide, by some ten feet deep. Into this chasm the revellers and roysterers tumbled pellmell in their panic scud across the street. The majority made sure the earthquake had swallowed them up and some lay till morning in their olayey bed. — for rain had made it soft. Others went home, and told fearsome tales of the marvellous escape they had hald. And it was many a day before the town ceased to talk of the resurrection of the bibulous Johnnies which took place at dawn next morning, when the nightduty policemen arose from their slumbers in the nearest doorways. * * * Nobel's Exnlosives Company, of Glasgow, sends along a pictorial advertising brochure, entitled 1 "Visit of the Prime Ministers of the British Empire beyond the Seas to Nobel's Explosive Co., Limited." It! is of absorbing interest. On

the first picture is the Right Hon. R. J. Secldon, P.C, LL.D., ni his wellknown "thinking" pose, with the massive right hand that sways the sceptre supporting the leonine head. He is in the background of the picture showing the arrival at Nobel's 1 railway station, but he is facing the camera without shrinking at a banquet in Ardier Hall (the home of dynamite), and he is caught in the act of looking at the photo, man as the party aiproaches the nitro-glycer-me department. One always gets a clear view of the commanding presence. * * * Next, we find him on the top of a nitro-glycerine hill, standing on a fence, supported by Mr. Edmund Barton, and afterw ards an immense block of buildings is shown with one figure standing on the spot nearest, to the deadly lens. It is King Dick. In a picture of eight hundred acres of explosive buildings, the most powerful microscope fails to reveal the Premier, but the party emeirgino 1 from a tunnel shows that the first emerger is Dusk, and a bell-tot>per, perched, on a waggon, is announced as going into the blasting department. It is Richard's bell-topper. A "Peaceful Highway" shows a vast load of visitors on trolleys headed by the Premier of New Zealand amd the "tail-piece" "suergests" a stout statesman in charge of a party of politicians from various bits of the British Empire. It is gratifying to the colony to know that wherever the Premier went at Home his striking figure ocershadowed the lesser fry. * * • New Zealand scholars are oftentimes very brilliant and quite a lot of them know that four blue beans and a black one, carefully added, result in a total of five. In the recent university exaiinination, however, several students were afflicted with bias of view. For instance, among the answer perns of purest ray serene are — The feudal system lies between the Humber and the Thames. — The principal products of Kent are Archbishops of Canterbury. — The chief clause of the Magna Charta w as that no free man should be put to death or imprisoned without his own consent. — What and where are the Pyramids ? The Pyramids are a kind of night light that is generally used in bedrooms. — An optimist is a man who looks after your eyes, and a pessimist is. a man who looks after your feet. — What do you know of Dryden and Buckingham? Dryden and Buckingham were at first friends, but soon became contemporaries. — A man who looks at the bright side of things is called an optimist, anid one who looks on the dull side is called a pianist. * * ♦ Pluck in a parson is not often w anting. One wearer of the cloth, at Dunedm, recently essayed to address a large number of foundry hands during dinner-hour. The unregenerates objected to have a parson nosing round in lunch hour and told him he had never done a handsturn in his life. Let him bally well off with his coat and put in a day a,t the fire®. Instead of w aiming the men about everlasting fires, the man of prayer doffed his 1 coat and choker, and became a stoker, sweat-rag and all. He kept his two fires clean, and the steam up for six hours, drew the ashes, "doused" them, with water, resumed has coat and choker, and, arrayed in these, and his coal tattered nether garments, preached without hindrance for an hour. But, callers at the manse now find that Rev. Me- — ■ is suffering from a "slight chill."

A busy business man of Wellington has a grievance. It seems that, during the last week, he has been more sought after than ever before. A week ago his popularity commenced, for he received visits from four insurance agent®, a lady canvasser for an Australian art union, and a gentleman with the only dictionary in the world. Next day he got half-a-dozen letters from suffering widows without funds, and man^ religious organisations sent their representatives to harry coin coin out of him. * * * Since that time, men with pills, lotions, and plasters have darkened his door, and his telephone bell has a proove worn, m it by constant tinkling. Several dead-beats have "supposed he hadn't got a bob on him," and charitable institutions have sent subscription-lists around. Only yesterday, he received a letter from an ancient enemy, who regretted thait, as he was leaving for Sydney, he had not time to recommend other callers to visit his munificent friend. A truly horrible revenge for a mistake of two years ago. * * * The other day a Wanganui citizen called on the Truant Inspector, and asked him, with tears in his eyes, if he might take his little child away with him, as* he was leaving the city of the river. 'The inspector was engaged all the morning in looking up the various volumes of statutes on the question of school attendance. He also gathered considerable information from teott books, consulted the Board's lawyer on the subject, and got at least £5 worth of opinion, and replied in an official voice that, on application to a magistrate the child might be transferred. You see, the parent had been fined for not sending the child to school, and he wanted to know you know. * * ♦ Have you seen a photograph of "Captain" Simeon's squad of sweet girl lancers, who are doing "pursuing nractice" with great vigour at the Garrison Bazaar? The picture shows the fair cavalrywomen, with heads erect, heels together, chest© thrown out, toes at an angle of "forty-five." knees braced, shoulders sauare to the front, and chins up. The photograph is taken within the Dnllshed, and the soldiers are formed up in single rank against a wall. Above the squad appears the announcement evidently taken from a side»show bv a practical ioke>r "London girls and shy widows."

Fedding was recently given a free military show. A person, in the review uniform of the Royal Horse Artillery, good conduct, marksman's badges, sleeve orcss-swords, thirteen gol'dem "ribs." and all the rest of it, knocked about for a week with a "chase me, girls" kind of swagger, and finally took charge of the camp of the Manawatu cadets. Had been at Tugela with Buller and with the Manawatu Rifles at Otaki. Seems that the sumptuous soldier had not got the full review kit, for he: stole a field service cap to top up with, and was igmominiously arrested for bringing the Kind's uniform in>tx> disrepute, for false pretences, and several other things. Many citizens had an exciting chase after the bedizened bombardier, and he is still wearing the King's uniform, and will be for four months. • • • A gentleman, clothed only in a shirt, and who had been suffering from snakes', necessitating his imprisonment in a Wairarapa hospital, rushed through one of the Valley townships the other night, to escape from murderers. Some scores of o tizens. armed with weapons ranging in deadliness from tinned fish to tomahawks, chased the sufferer. It was found that a man, armed with five knives, a saw, and a reptilian host had been camping under the bed of the gentleman in the hospital, hence his escape. An examination revealed the fact that the murderous vagabond had disappeared, and cone baok into the beer vault. Prohibition order issued. * # * A budding; poet desires that we should be the vehicle of a love-lorn poem to his best girl. After careful perusal of it, we refuse to wrench his —eat heart asunder. He has called his effusion : "Lines on Mabel's Face." You see, it is rather ambiguous, and Mabel might read it the wrong way. ♦ » * A local auctioneer is back from the valley of the diark shadows. He is now restored to health, although the fever all but knocked him down a bargain to the old man with the scythe. The doctor who attended him remarks that during the progress of the disease he remarked to the nurse that the patient's temperature had risen to 103, whereupon the knight of the hammer replied drowsily. "Hundred an' three! Hundred an' three! Going, going at hundred an' three! Who'll make it a hundred an' four?" It was just the refusal of the "bidder" to go up a point that saved his useful life.

Youthful Ms.H.R. have thentroubles. One very youthful member is nmv using one of the perquisites of his high officei — the free railway pass. Recently, he was travelling on a Southern railway, and the euard demanded his fare. He proudly pulled the gold badge from his pocket, and exhibited it. The pruard looked at it scornfully, and sarcastically enquired, "Yes, sonny, it is very nretty, but where did you p*ck it up, my boy ? " It took the youthful M.H.R. some time to convince the guard that the pass w as his., and that he was really not a iunaor member of the community, but a real live member of Parliament.

A copy of "L' Insulaire," a New Caledonian, periodical, is to hand. It is not interesting. It has one advertisement in English, however, that may have a smile seed in it. Here it is : "Pretty, respectable French lady (20). speaks and writes Engbsh, desires to correspond gentleman, bachelor (75 or more), view matrimony. Bound by vow, she can only mairry an old man (in preference a sickly one, that she may take care of him. Gentleman must give references from Governor attesting honourability of self and family. Real name, age, occupation, address, inoome, and photograph required. — 'Mademoiselle!,' G.P.0., Noumea."

A tale is. afloat concerning a noted self-irngataonist, who lues in a suburb, and a Salvation Army man. It seems that the Army man called round on him the other day, and asked tor a, donation to the flag and tambourine fund He swore some wicked oaths, and challenged the Salvationist to fight Challenge declined. Tlie thirsty one insisted that the Aimy would have 10 fight. -'Then, if I must," said he, '1 LI take five minutes to pray." The meek man. then knelt dow n, and prayed to be forgiven for killing several men he had fought, and for breaking limbs ribs, and laws of other opponents, winding up with a passionate appeal for forgiveness for the murder he w as about to commit, He arose slowly, gazed around— but his thirsty opponent had left. • ♦ • A worthy business man of Cuba-street has been doa-i^ the back country of Australia for his health's sake. He has returned with a peeled countenance, and a sackful of yarns. He brings a copy of hotel rules, found posted i?~ in. the Bunmwindi Arms. The document remarks "If the bugs are troublesome you can find chloroform in a bottle on, the shelf. Gents gome to bed with their boots on wdl be charged extra Please write your name, on the wail paper so that we know that you've been here. If the hole where the pain of glass is out is too much for you find a pair of pants behind the door to stunin it If you're too cold put the oilcloth over the bed. Caroseen lamps extra, candles free, but musitn t burn all night. Don't tare off the wall "aper to lite your pipe with. Guests will not take out the bricks in the mattress. If it rains through that hole overhead you'll find an umbrella under the bed Two men in one room must put up with one chaar. Don't kick about the fleas, we don't charge extra. Don t empty the sawdust out of your pillers. Sheets may be used for towels at no extra charge." r When your watch neglects to <^o You wmd it up ' When the bucket's down below You wind it up. When a business enterprise You neglect to advertise, Then it also gets a turn — You wind it up. • • * The chan who strolled into a Quay fruiterer's shop, and regaled himself with many luscious pears, the other day enjoyed it immensely. The proprietor w atched the villain from an inside room, paralysed at his audacity. Also he despatched the boy out bv the back way for a policeman. But, in the presence of the constable, the selfpossessed stranger calmly went on paring and munching. He smiled at the mention of theft. "The pears are for sale, I guess," he coolly remarked, and, handing a sovereign to the now smiling tradesman, he requested him to "take it out of that." It is scarcely necessary to add that he was an American who had come b-- the last mail steamer. • • • Mr Henry Fletcher, known far and wide as "Dads Wayback " has been giving has opinion on the servant girl question There is a heap of Dhilosophv about the following —'A cove tells me wots been in New Zealand that there is towns there where all ther servant gals is gone to find ther Moa, an' never showed up aren. All ther w omen-folk, rich an' poor, has ter clean their own winders an' door-steps, an' make their own beds. An' he sez in them towns, all ther gals is pertiokler handsome an good-lookin' an' ther end ot her world don't seem in no greater hurry ter arrive in them Darts than m other places. An' why should it, Dan? All that did hand labor was slaveys once, and the cove wot sweated hi« back was ashamed o' hisself, an' looked down on. The servant gal is ther last ter buck agen ther insult, an' I hopes she keeps on buckin' till Missus an' Mum, an Master be's words we've fergot ther meanin of-" . There is an advertisement appearing in some New Zealand papers just now headed "How to get fat." The information is supplied to enquirers for one shilling in stamps and a stamped addTessed envelope" must be sent.. A painfully thin friend of ours sent has money and has showed us the advertiser's letter of advice. The "prescription reads- "Buy it at the butchers. * * * Mr James Martin, of the Wairarapa. is a great "sport." He is death on pigs. In his hunting travels he is accompanied by a billy-goat. This animal had heretofore betrayed none of the destructive tendencies of his brethren but the other day, while its owner knelt on a ridge overlooking a steep dechvitv, and took careful aim at a wild pig the goat charged from behind, and, butting the astonished hunter with great force, bowled him down a gully a distance of fully a hundred feet. As a consequence, Mr. Martin would rather take his meals standing, whilst the perTvertrator of the outrage is now harnessed to a straining nost pending sale to the stock officer.

Now that the ice-cream season is in full-blast, the follow mg pathetic little lines may not be amiss. A local medico is lesponsible for them Full many a mortal, young and old, Has gone, to his sarcophagus, Thro' pouring w ater icy cold Adown his warm aesophagus. * * * Suppose that everyone was afflicted with a sudden desire to let the light of publicity in on his or her dark and de>vious deeds. What a chapter! Take the confession of Charles North, for instance, who recently wrote the following note, and dropped into Farm Covei, Sydney "I am" "the biggest cur unhung. If anybody gets incriminated with what I have done it will be unjust. I planned all the dirty schemes 1 , and worked my own ends." There are not many men who w ould say so much , and care to live. * * * A Wellington barrister has been unable to keep his hair on. It appears that someone got away with his wig last week while it was off duty in the Supreme Court, and that the luminary posted a notice calling on the finder to return it. Underneath the notice some wag has written "Trifles light as (h)air Make up this wigged world." * # * One way to make light of your troubles is to burn all your bills as you receive them. But, copies of Magistrate's Court summonses are filed, worse luck ' * ♦ « There w as an old farmer named Wemy&s Who had some ridiculous schemyss. His horses he sold, And then, we are told. Drove nothing at all but ox-temyss.

Mr. Wilham Richardson, the fiery 110liceruse orator, of Auckland, who, like the martyrs of old, has suffered imprisonment in upholding his faith, is engaged just now in a Solomon Eagle kind of business. He is editing a calm, bold, aqueous weekly which he has christened "The Free Press." Astonishing to find that not a single word in it is on the lines of the editor's street-corner utterances. * * * It wajs thoughtless of the clergyman to die suddenly on. Sunday morning, for there was no one to take the 'service. An inspired parishioner, however, tacked on the church door this notice — "No service this Sabbath. Reiv. Mr. McSnadden left for heaven's gate at 1 a.m. this morning." Imagine the horror of the congregation, on arriving at the- church, to see under the above a second notice: "Heaven's Gate, 6 a.m. "Your pastor not yet arrived. Getting anxious." ♦ ♦ • A naturalised German, who is most loyal to his Brittanic Majesty, is at present givims; excellent reasons down South for the absorption by Britain of the ex-Boer republics. But, the quaint lecturer never forgets to remark that the best work was done by "Butchener and Killer." *■ * * Perhaps, the porter was getting tired of answering idiotic question®, but certain it is 1 that when the bald-headed traveller from Masterton shoved his head out of the window, andi said to a passing luggage shifter "Does it rain. porter'"' the portmanteaux pounder promptly remarked that it rained water in Wellington.