Entre Nous

Free Lance, Volume III, Issue 139, 28 February 1903, Page 14

Entre Nous

THE fact of the matter is, Mrs. , on the Terrace, had been without a help-lady for a fortnight, and her heart was heavy and her hands "corny." When, however, a friend up tihe Manawatu wrote her that a "perfect pearl" was to be had at a price, joy surged up m her womanly heart. She wired the help-lady's fare, and the "pearl" duly started. The woman with the corns on her hands sent a cab to the station for her, not having a motor-oar and the "pearl" was duly installed. Her luggage w r as stacked in a dainty little bedroom, she was regaled on the best that the house contained, and the "pearl" scrutinised her setting pretty keenly. ■*■ *■ * Having examined the house thoroughly, she strolled through the garden, and finally put on her gem hat, and made for the front gate. The mistress intercepted her, and meekly requested to know whither the "pearl' was going. "Oh!" said that jewel, "I don't like the situation of the house : it's too far from town. I don't think it will suit me. I'll send an express up for my luggage " Thus did Mrs. lose her "pearl" after two hours' possession. She us not importing any more "pearls" just now. ¥■ ¥■ * It is evident that the patrician "pearls" from the backblooks, who condescend to dally with domestic duties, would rather dally w ith them in the city. A flower from flaxland descended on the city no longer ago than last week. She was apnroaohed by a woman who wanted to get rid of some money. Would she adorn a situation? "Well " remarked this modern maidten, "it all depends. I'll want two hours a day to practise me violin, and a 'arfday on Wednesday to git me lesson." She had heard that Herr Max Hoppe lived in Wellington, and thought the Empire City was a quarter in which she could perfect her knowledge of stringed instruments. * * * A member of the Legislature, who uses a brogue familiar to the bhoys of the ould sod runs a paper way down South. The palper. in a recent issue, contained this advertisement — "All alterations to standing advertise*meints must! reach this office not later than noon on the day Drevious to that ■on which they are received." Of course, the office boy, who is not Hibernian, wrote it.

There is a pretty decent kind of a tunnel between Wellington and the Wairarapa and this yarn throws some light on a little event that happened to a Wellington lady. At Grey town, the lady entered the train, and, contrary to the regulations, placed her little dog on the seat. A man got in, and when the train started, he commenced to smoke. The lady objected, but the man smoked on, and gazed out of the window. Nearing the tunnel, she deftly knocked his pipe from his mouth through the window. Whereupon, the man. much angered, seized the dog, and sent it flying after the pipe. The quarrel was kept up till the next station was reached, when the aggrieved lady jumped to the platform and poured forth her grievance to the stationmaster. The rude smoker took a part in the scene, and words were running very, very high, when a sight was seen that put an end to all their strife. There emerging from the mouth of the tunnel, right before their eyes, was the little dog. running hard. He had the pipe' in his mouth. * * • It is generally thought that prohibition orders are solely colonial. Under a new Act, however, an habitual drunkard in Great Britain is prohibited from obtaining liquor, not only in his own district, but in the kingdom, for threte years after his conviction under the "habitual" charge. Then, of course, Mr. Isitt has been Home. That accooints for it. * * * Oh. that some bright, inventive man Would patent, make, and sell An onion with an onion taste — But with a violet smell ! * • « About the only Rubens picture in the colony was bought a while back by an up-country squatter, at a sale. He thought more of it than of a prize merino ram he owns that cost him £360. It was much admired and commented upon, and many envied the luck of the purchaser, who was so fortunate as to secure it for £5. The other day the illusion was dispelled when an old acquaintance of the late owner happened to call, and, spying the prize painting, declared, in raptures- "Well, I declare, if that ain't Matilda'" Her hostess suspiciously inquired as to the identity of Matilda, and discovered to her chagrin that she was Mrs Johnson's favourite washerwoman, and the painting was by the daughter of the laundress. Rubens is now a tabooed subject in the purchaser's family, and it is safe to s<ay that Mathilda's homely features no longer ornament the drawing-room. * * * Bit of brain swetait found posted on a Masterton hotel — the band contest was responsible — "I have Herd that, most of the bands are in a bad Hume-r. and consider their chances Gook-ed. However we shall hear Mohr of it after they had Siddall-ed what they can and have Laid law down more explicitly. This contesti is a Oaikes, and I dont Kerr how soon it is over, as our chance is Buckley's. — -Yours, etc. Mud."

You know the gentle, insinuating way the average clergyman has of approachang a member of the congregation whom he has not seen before, and wrestling with him to be a donor of the humble "thrum" from now evermore? A smiling local wearer of a white "choker," buzzing cheerfully among his flock after service last Sunday, stopped opposite a new hand. He asked him all the stock questions, and remarked that he had not had the pleasure of ever see* ing him before. The young man blushed as young mem always do who are confronted with a real parson. "Where is your regular olace of worship?" asked the expounder of the Scriptures. "Why — er— -ai>— her father's house, of course," said the confused young man.

They do not wast© much time making bacon of ai pig in some of those Canterbury bacon factories, and a newspaper account of the process is very interesting when the esteemed printer man is not too aggressive. However, just recently one of these gentleman got to work "making up," and, getting rather mixed between the bacon article and a report dealing with a presentation to a Presbyterian, clergyman, he produced this meaty paragraph . — • "Several of the reverend gentleman's friends called upon him yesterday, and after a rather brief conversation the unsuspicious hog was seized by tihe hind legs and slid down along a beam until he reached the hotwater tank." The newsnaper proprietor is still busy explaining. * * * They are a simple pastoral people up at Cambridge. No deceit, or anything of the kind could rest its cloven hoof in any part of a Cambridge man's anatomy. Just recently, when the question as to the day on which a weekly holiday should be held was agitating the bosoms of the Waikato people, a petition came before the Borough Council. It set out that the signatures below represented the majority of business people, in point of numbers and value of stock. As the statements were written before a single name was on' the list, it. is pretty safe to here remark that in general petitions are a howling fraud. • • « Maybe there was some connection between the disappearance of various small boys and the appearance of a circus in our midst. Some parents, who noticed a young hopeful stroll casually out on Monday night felt no pangs. Boys generally do stroll casually out on fine nights. But, when ten o'clock came, and Billy didn't come with it. the parents' hearts were sore. Later, the head of the house went forth to institute a search, and met the erring youth rushing in. He brushed past his parents in a state of wild excite*ment. "Oh mum!" he said, "it was just lovely 1" Then, they knew he had braved everytliing for the circus. "But, I gave you no money," said the father. "How did you get in? Crawled under the tent, I suppose, you bad boy ?" "No, father, me and Jimmy Newtown went to a Chinaman'si shop, and carried home the elephant's tea, and the man gave us two tickets for the pit'" And. the parents hadn't the heart, to castigate that youthful Washington.

You have heard about the man of forty, who, 'having shaved off his beard, was called, a "naughty boy" by a virtuous anti-tobacco female? Well, a young man who is a constant diner at the Gridiron Hotel, in the city, recently parted with his flowing moustache. He looked so fearfully childish that the waiters did not know him. "What'el you 'aye to drink, sir " asked one of the waiters. "Oh, ale." "Better 'aye lager, sir; there's no more 'arm in it than lemonade!" He is going to let it grow again. * * * A dog with a sense of humour turned up to see a Wairarapai citizen duly bound in matrimony the other day. He was a yellow kuri, and he helped in the responses with tremendous animation. When the service had got as far as "I take thee," etc., tihe dog introduced a somersault, Avhich made even the parson smile ; and later, when the party was kneeling on the hassock, the risible faculties of the gathering were manifestly arousedl by the dog making a ferocioula attack upon the heels of the best man. After vaanlv attempting for* a time to assimilate a portion of this indigestible material, the animal retreated thorouqrhddspirited, and everybody breathed freely. * * * It is hard to believe that there are "green" barmaids. One such exists, however, in a near-by hotel. Two friends called in to "wet their whistle" on Tuesday morning, and called for P. and 0. whisky. The exigencies of business prompted them to again call on the beauteous distributor of medical comforts to operate. "Let's see, I didn't have thas last time, did I?" asked one of the nair, gazing at somebody's "one-star" brand. "No, but the missus fills 'em all up out of the same barrel !" said the verdant damsel, without turning a hair. We don't believe it of any local landlady, of course, but the incident is a true one, nevertheless. • • • The sensation of the week in Dannevirke has been the arrival of a streetsweeper and a motor-car. Evidently, the Borough Council, in importing a street-sweeipr is determined that thing 9 shall not be so dusty in Bushopolis. As for the inhabitants, they can't quite make up their bucolic minds which is the motor-car, and which the sweeper. And, when a bushy is in doubt, he wagers. Therefore, betting is brisk just now.

Allan Orr, the many-quilled secretary of industrial unions, remarked to us last Tuesday, while beads of perspiration bedev.ed has brow, that he had only had one day's schooling in his life. He must have had a good teacher. He said a lot more things during the halfday at his disposal, but the short-hand writer broke down, and the typewriter jammed. However, some fleetmg words of wisdom were captured. Allan recently tripped into the country, to etir up employers who were not conforming to awards of the Arbitration Court, and he tells us that where a considerable sum of back money has been obtained from recaloitratnt "bosses," for bo<vs, he has invariably asked that the money should be paid to the boys mothers. That precaution often saves it from cigarettes Maybe, Allan has some enemies among "the Bar." The active and fluent secretary says that during his connection with industrial unions he has engaged a lawyer once. The lawyer lost the case, but it wasn't his fault. At all other tunes the little man with the fiery eye has been his own lawyer. Allan is not only a determinr ed advocate a,nd a keen counsel, but he is an adept at documentary draughtmanship. and his one day's education serves him in good stead. He is rolling in wealth, of course, for was he not instrumental in getting the agsrregatepay of the drivers increased by £10,000 r * * * Naturally, the unions are always raising bis wages Ln return for his endeavours to raise theirs. They now stand at the giddy figure of 50s a week. And the unions are very watchful lest Allan should be waylaid, and knocked out by revengeful enemies. One of the many meetings of unions- took place the other eveninp- and Allan was there. Some unforseen circumstance occurred, and a sli°cht altercation was the result. Could it be that Alla,n, who had left the meeting, was attacked? Were some fiends in human form engaged in teainng their darling limb from limb? Perish the thought. Those unionists armed themselves, and sallied forth to crush the scoundrelly attackers'. It is haird luck to have to own that Allan was not there. He bears a charmed life. * * * You went to see the cycle sports at the "Basin" on Wednesday last, of course? I>id you pay your money at the gate, or did you take a box with you, and peer over the fence? Perhaps, you were not. one of a couple of score who reared a bike against the fence stood on the saddle, and had a cheap treat? No? Was it you then who was one of a trio of bell-toppered individuals who luxuriated in a free show? Recognising the abject poverty of those people in Wellington, who can on no account raise a shdlmg for a legitimate entrance fee, but who can scare up a guinea for a Melba concert that cannot be seen over the fence, the powers that be have made the fence at the Basin .sufficiently low to favour this kind of sneak thieving. * * * The striking meanness of the people who swarmed the fences during the English cricket match, and the easily-torn nature of the "three-three" calico that flapped its dismal shreds in the breeze, wall not impress the visitor to this city as a worthy trait in the character of some of its people. There were three - guinea bonnets looking over that fence on Wednesday, there were cartloads of deadheads craning their neoks over the crowd, and, altogether, the spectacle was a sad one. A dead wall, twenty-five feet high, with iron spikes and glass bottles, with a quick-firer" at intervals of ten yards, would be better than calico. It would prevent certain people from calling attention to their ruling passion for free shows. * • • A story comes from the Wild West Coast touching the tribulations of a newly-made bridegroom, who had the temerity to ioin hands with a beauteous widow. The pair were married in a little town, and public feeling, rice, and slippers rose high. They were entering upon their rose-strewn path under sunr-v circumstances. The bridegroom and his bride drove away to their home, and duly landed amidst the enthusiasm of the rural population. Stopping the bugey in the crowd, the bridegroom dismounted, and received the plaudits of the populace. An enterprising gentleman in the crowd jumped up alongside the bride, and drove furiously away. 'Tis said that the bridegroom went on the road next morning with a swag and a S™ l - * Rotorua is becoming very severely civilised. The other day. two Maon boys were fined for bathing between the hours of 1 a.m. and 8 p.m. Things have changed indeed at Rotorua. Ten or fifteen years ago, it would have been considered odd if the whole Maori population of the district had not spent the greater part of the day in the hot water pools. And vet there was no indecency. Now-a-days, tine Maoris are being taught strict propriety.

To give an additional fillip to a certain party the other night, all the good boys and girls came in dresses that suggested famous novels. Most of them a\ ere easily guessed, but for a long time ai youth with strips and strips of birth notices cut from the "Post" and "Times," and sewn on his coat, was a mystery. Eventually, two beautiful daughters of Eve got him in a dark place, and begged, at least, to be told the name of the novel's author. "Thackeray," whispered the bold youth. Then did two furiously-blushing maidens cry m chorus "Oh, of course — 'The Newcomes' !" * * * The extraordinary seismic disturbances that have made the happenings of 1902-1903 unparalleled, seem to have affected the vision of some people. For instance, a New South Welshman wrote to liis paper — "A red-and-green ball of fire, about the size of a cask and anvilpointed, struck the corner of the house, damaging a portion of the verandah." From the particularity assigned to the colour, volume, and form of the ball it will possibly be found that the observer was a sign-painter, who had drifted into blacksmithiner and ultimately settled down as a publican. * # * It is to be feared that the observing faculty is not so well cultivated in Australia as it might be. Thisi because of tlhe nomadic habits arising from large spaces and small waterholes. When a person has to travel for days without a

drink, he naturally sees things that do not present themselves to folk living by an artesian bore. That cask-like, varicoloured, anvil-shaped affair mentioned is a fair index of the seventy of the drought. • • • One newly-elected M.H.R., who has lost no time down South in using the ear of his public at all times and in all places, recently lectured to a small audience on the propagation of turnips, and the science of evolution acoordiing to himself. His theories provoked some discussion, and a great deal of interruption. He lost patience finally, as one son of the soil interrupted him by asking him if it was true he claimed to be the missing link. "One fool at a time" he roared, scathing the interruptor with a withering glance. "You keep straight on, boss, then!" replied the bucolic. * * • One of the great and growing army of the unpaid magistracy recently acted as coroner in a remote district. A poor man had been drowned. His Worship sent in his verdict. "Drownding Exidetally.' It is said that this J.P. will be promoted as soon as possible — a backcountry bench is too narrow for the proper expansion of his genius. If he had been a common J.P. he would have probably gone into flowers of speech. Being a marvel, he cut down his acute observation to two simple words. Who shall say that our Js.P. do not earn all the salary they get?

We have received a sample lot of the post and telegraph cards intended for use at the Military Bazaar. They bear on one side the portrait of a New Zealand celebrity — Governor, Premier, Sir Joseph Ward — or one of our " Millingtry " men — General Babington, Lt.-Col. Collins, or Lt.-Col. Webb, and look very neat and attractive. Inviolable secrecy is promised under the military triplex-Morse nonautomatic telegraph system.