Entre Nous

Free Lance, Volume III, Issue 135, 31 January 1903, Page 14

Entre Nous

IT is not merely the New Zealand "Army" that is being retrenched. Commonwealth officers are not now allowed to have soldier valets, and in. this the Australian army is getting one ahead of the British fighting machine. The British system, means that many thousands of men who are supposed to be efficient .soldiers are taken away from the ranks, and are free from all duties except to see that their officer's razors are nice and sharp, his boots polished, and his uniform brushed. One other blow has fallen heavily on the Victorian officer. The artillery band is to be reduced from twenty-five performers to twelve, and only a dozen tootlersi will while the mess hours away. As the officers do not support the band, after the fashion of British regiments, it is hard lines for this little "perk" to be ruthlessly carved like that. # • • English people laugh at the colonies for allowing travelling shorn w en to place their feet upon our necks One notable journal remarks — 'Fancy the Mayor of Wellington publicly receiving Sandow the strong mam on his arrival in that, city! Here in England, where Sandow "has enjoyed years of reasonable popularity, even the Mayor of Uoper Tooting would only court ridicule if he attempted to ofter public honours to a professional 'strong man ' " But, the paper did not know that the reception was prelimanarv to a scheme whereby the mighty man was forced to disgorge a good fat income tax. * * • A correspondent, who lives in Dockstreet writes that the pastime of cricket stands a chance of dying out. He asks us to "go into the Basin of an evening, and listen to the revolting language of the rabble and closely watch their disgusting behaviour, etc. We do not. know how bad language at ni^ht is going to kill cricket in the day, but, all the same, if the language and oonduct complained of can be heard from a residence in Dock-street, it is sufficiently powerful for the police to see about purifying it. • • • A tourist who has become very popular during his three months.' residence in New Zealand, had quite a number oi friends until recently. He has only lust found out how they came to ease off. He understood there was really good sport to be had goose shooting m some of the placid little bays near by Wellington, and he found it was even so. Lonehanded, he sallied forth, and filled a boat with game. He sent a pair to every friend he had in New Zea^ land and the friendships were thereby rudely dislocated temporarily. lon see, the geese were shags.

Unless your name is Sandow, do not interfere between a lady and a gentleman. A gallant city youth, who was travelling from Greytown to Wellington last week, would have saved sixpence in sticking-plaster if he had taken good advice. You see, he had been able to assist a quieti, ladylike person with her little parcels and had opened a conversation about thingsi in general. At a way-side station, a man who had been indulging alcoholically, floundered into the car, and immediately sat alongside the lady, called her my dear, and even tried to insinuate hi& arm round her waist. The lady sidled away and looked daggers. • » * The young man's blood wa® up. He seized the ruffian without a word, and commenced to pummel him. Then a strange thing happened. The ladylike person clubbed an umbrella, and whacked that, young man till her arm aohed. "I'll teach you to attack my husband just because he can't defend himself!" she said, and, indeed, by the time the pair had done with the city youth he felt anything but rpry. She did not want to advertise the fact that the wayward reveller was her husband until she saw r him getting pummelled, but. — well, the youth will know better in future. • ♦ * The worm will turn. So will a Chinaman, so the cable informs 1 us. The Sydneiy-side Mongolian,, who fatally stabbed a stone-throwing boy, is an exalmple. Bub. usually, Chinamen are pretty fair game in the great, glorious Commonwealth. Easily within memory is the case of a Chinaman, who, protesting against a larrikin invasion of his vegetable sanctuary, was beaten to death with pea sticks. Also, easily within memory is a New South Wales case with elements of comicality in it. In a district celebrated for its nuggets and kangaroos, even,- boy carries a rifle, and every boy rides a horse^ — somebody's horse. On one occasion about thirty boys, mounted, and with pack horses and rifles, sallied forth to gather vegetables. One party dismounted at the Chinaman's gardens, outside the town, and fired through the door of his hut, while the other boys loaded up their pack-horses with garden produce. The yeUow residents of the house took refuge in the mud chimney thei only safe place. The police regarded the escapade as 1 an amusing instance of the delightful spirits of New South Wales youngsters 1 . » # * A distinguished journalist has informed the public that he invariably jots down ideas — to be subsequently worked up into article® — at the moment of their occurrence. In illustration of the results of this practice he states that an idea which was afterwards worth five guineas, once came to him while he was washing his hands. Fired by this example several journalists have made arrangements for taking a complete bath. • * • The "Bengal Times," in an issue to hand, remarks that a low-caste Hindoo is able to marry and rear a family on an equivalent of 2s 6d a week. It is easy to understand why the Rand magnates/ love Hindoos.

A sewing-machine' drummer, who "does" the backblooks with his yellowlined buggy, got back to headquarters on Tuesday with a yarn. It seems he was doing new country this trip, and was not. quite sure of his road. He left his buggy outside the gaite of a farmhouse a week or two ago, and walked up to thei homestead to inquire the way to DD — ■ . This information gleaned, he came back, mounted his trap, and drove off. About a mile> out. he heard a gurgle and a faint "George I—George1 — George dear!" He gave a start, and staid, "Hello!" "It's awful stuffy in here, George. Is i,t safe to oome out?" Witlh that, a battered bonnet, with a scared face in it, peered from under the seat, and found herself in the wrong bugo^v. eloping with- a strange man ! The machine man tells us he persuaded the lady to go back to her lawful spouse but we cannot see his reason for wanting to do an innocent farmer such an injury. . » • A little story, dealing with a young clergyman and a mere woman, has oozed through. The parson, who has done a heap of hard preaching, went up country to rest his voice at the invitation of a friend. He arrived at the station as dusk was coming over the humid earth. There was no one to meet him. Only one lady was on the platform, and she, he discovered subsequently, was a guest of has friend too. They decided to walk to the friend's house, which was distant five miles. The parson knew where it was. He had been there before. They walked five miles up a bush track, but saw- no house. * • • They walked back, and it began to rain. Also, it became dark. They were bushed. The parson had no matches. He did not smoke. They camped under a tree for many hoursi, until a wandering pack-horse driver rescued them and piloted them, j-ust as dawn was breaking:, to the house of their mutual friend. 'Twas another case of a v,-ire gone wrong. Now, although the parson supplied the lady during that little bush picnic with his respectable lon^- tailed coat, the lady has not since spoken to him. His bushmanship is not a matter he boasts about any more.

The f 'tote" is a sinful thing, of course. All gambling is sinful, but a small tradesman of this city is convinced that perdition will rise up and hit the man who spends a penny on the practice. He was telling a select crowd of customers, the other evening, that the Welliopijon Racing Club was resiponsible for the downfall of a great number of people, that the people ought to rise up and smashi the "tote," clear the bookies out, and purify the country. "Didn't you used, to run ' 'Eralds ' in Sydney one timei ? " asked a man. "Yes; I'm not ashiamed to own it !" replied he of the blameiless life. "And wasn't it you as struck the big money when Carbine won the Chip, and come over here and started business?" Ec has been in receiot of much' borax ever since. ♦ # • Dear Lance, — Two exceptionally pretty little girlsi rang my front-door bell the other <Isiy, and asked me to buy a coupon for ls>. From the coupon, it appeared that the advertiser expected me to buy five; more coupons at Is each, and sell them for Is, thus leaving me Is out of pocket. Whom the people I had sold them to bought 5s worth of goods, he engaged to give me £1 worth free. This is an old London dodge, exposed by Labouob/^re in "Truth," and men have done time for it. I will merely explain, one or two features that render its suppression desirable. It is not erood that pretty girls should be supplied with coupons they must sell. It is not good that at child should have a coupon which necessitates' the raising (somehow) of 5s to buy more The child believes that, having bought the coupons, he (or she) can at once sell them and replace the 5s. — Wairima. • • • Something tihat believes itself to be Wellington society had a severe convulsion of short duration a few weeks ainee when it discovered that one of its curled darlings, who sells ribbons and plays ping-pone, had eloped with a servant girl. They call it an elopement -^ou know, but really the young fellow is not a bit ashamed of it, especially as he knows that his ma, in her early English days, used to be a cook im tihe family of which his wife is a colonial descendent.

The following marriage notice, taken from the London "Times," reads some^ what quaintly — "Button— Loose. —On September 6, at St. Paul's Church, Stratford, by Rev. W. H. Ferguson, Herbert Frank Button of 8, St. Paul's Terrace (youngest son of Isaiac Button, Baitli-street, Ipsiwioh), to Gertrude Elizabeth Loose, of Waddington-road, Stratford."

It is a trifle sickening; to read in full and ghastly detail of the passing of a murderer. For instance, the daily papers tell us that, aliihougjh Patrick KennifP regained his colour before he was hanged, a tear trickled down hfis cheek. Maybe, the recording scribe expected him to do a "breakdown" to the tune of "Ballyhooley" or the "Wearing of the Green."

On Anniversary Day, when a bio; crowd of ehddren, with their mothers in attendance, were assembled on the beach at Day's Bay, a great hullabaloo was raised by someone, who declared that a fifteen-foot shark, with a hungry light in his eye, was cruising around withm a few feet of the shore, seeking whom he might devour. There were scores of children paddling in the sea at the time, and tile rush of horrified mothers to pluck their bairns from the jaws of the monster w as a stirring spectacle. Much screaming and great excitement ensued. Fat women, got hold of the wrong infants, and ran amok seeking the nght ones. Often they tripped over each other in the stress of the hunt, amd fe-11 floundering in the main, and. in one case, two angry dames oarae into collision, and fought a hand-to-hand encounter, standing up to their knees in the sea, quite oblivious of the imminent and deadly peril into which their youngsters were thrown. When, the not, subsided, and the mothers' had recovered their presence of mind it was found that the shairk had been ca-tured, amd was now in the hands of its conqueror a small boy of twelve, amd measured exactly one foot nine inches. Talk about luck! Two up-country youths the other day w ent oUt shooting. Provided w ith firearms, and a valuable gun dog, they were skirmishing for haw ks. The first shot fired resulted in the bursting of the gun, but, ha n P llv the man was not seriously 1 mured, and other than a damaged thumb and forefinger he escaped. The gun was rendered useless, by a great rent in the side of the barrel. * Shortly after this, the other man acc.dently shot the dog, breaking the* poor brute's leg. At this stage, the duo elected to ret back home but again misfortune dogged thensteps They had not got a mile on their way when one of the shafts of then trail) broke. However with rope and straps they managed to> temporarily repair it, and ultimately reached home. Haw k shooting is now quite out of then line, and, on the best, authority wo understand they will have no more of it but wait quietly for more civilised shooting whom the game season corner round ♦ • * A poetess, in a song deahne chiefly with old age pensioners launches this at a public which has never done her any harm • — Their humble songs of gratitude will ring from shore to shore, And the name of Richard Seddon will live for ever more. He fought their battles to the end, and fought them with a will , He broke through every barrier, and passed the Pension Bill. For wisdom worth, and statesmanship, and nobility of soul, Withm the ranks of Parliament, he towers above them all. Well may the aged bless his name, and by their leader stand He got for them the brightest gem that shine® o'er Maoriland. * * * A teetotal friend of ours, who says he was in the private bar of an hotel the other night,, to se*> the works of art, tells a tale about a gentleman who was absorbing beer and talking "dogs. He filled the atmosphere with tales ot dogs, he talked spaniels, bull-dogs and terriers skyes. wire-hairs, and pugs, erreait Danes and mastiffs. "Now, theros that fox-tetrrier pup o? mine. 1 wouldn't take a hundred 1 quid for him'" he said in confidence. Just then a f nerid rushed into the bar. "Bill," he said to the dog fancier, looking at him with a. scared, white face, "ver wife has bin and run. away with Peter Hocus' bood Lord," replied Bill, "I thought you was gorn' to'sav me dog was dead' And, with that Bill ordered another long sieever," and our friend examined art again. The timber-yards and saw-mills industrial unionists of Southland work under an award which nrovides that, for tramlaying the wages- shall be Bs, and for bush trolleying 9s. A Southland subscriber semds us the following epistle from a discontented unionist, who makes a curious blend of misspelt religion and sawdust — Sir, — respectfully allow me to lay my compent before you being a member ot Sawmills Industrial Union I trust, you will excuse yo honest endeavours in maintaining redress. I have been working for Mr. for the term 44 days 22daysi laying tramway 22 days. log trolling, however he pay me with 7s a day and tell me thait it is 1 a good thing man is left to the freedom of his OAvn will that they did not want mv service loneer. I trust you will not hide the lieht under a, bushel but let my honorable master know there is one greater than I for- the earth is the Lord's amd the fullness thereof so if you can let my brother Christians sonesi of Jacob know that the light, will shine through the darkness and the darkness will comm-e-hend it not. Sorry having to trouble you, please let me here from you and oblige. — Yours truly, ."

A gentleman, with a complexion, like a piece of tenderloin steak, and an eye resembling the optical organ of a shark, strolled into a professional mans chambers of horrors a few days a^o sank into a chair, said something about, "oft the back," and collapsed. The dentist put the gas nozzle on him, hauled out all the bad teeth that were left, woke him up, and stood by with his forceps in his band. The gentleman who looked less beery than formerly asked if he had out it short at the back, and it was only when he saw some disreputable molars on the dentist's cabinet that he "tumbled." He simply refuses ta pay fifteen, shillings' for that "hair-cut." • i • A young and beauteous creature, with the blush of perfect health upon her cheek, and bits of orange blossom in heir hat, nicely toned by several ounces of rice, took a horny-handed partner into a Cuba-street boot emporium on Tuesday morning. She wanted a pair of boots. As she was endeavouring to make the assistant believe that she was anything but a bride of one hou" it was awkward of her husband to violenitily push th© assistant ever w hem he tried a No. 2 shoe on his darling:, with the remark, "Nome o' that, bloke'" Also, so shocked was the gentleman frootn the bush that, he insisted on his newly-made joy leaving tihe shop without, a, purchase. * * * The congregation of one of the Auckland district churches must have looked uncommonly haipuy at one stage of its service last Sunday, if it followed the suggestion given by its choir For according to the local naper, the anthem was "Break Forth With -Toy bv Simr>er." A new method in devotional exercises, surely. • ♦ • A Maori horse-trading stoiv When horses were in demand for Contingent purposes, one of the purchasing agents was shown, a,t an inland pah, a fine, upstanding steed — the very thing that was wanted for a troop-horse. An offeT \vas made to the owner. He was willing

enough, to sell, and the only comment upon the condition of his nag was that "him not look well." This idea the buyer pooh-poohed. "As une a horse as I've seem this trip," he declared. And ' so the bargain was struck, and the horse added to the dealer's string. But, be*fore they got far on the road, it was found, that the new purchase was blind in one eye, and could see little out of the other. When next the parties to the transaction met, there was some warm Language over the dead. But, the slim Maori was all innocence. "I tell you him not look well." was the defence. And thei argument was unanswerable. • * * The D Battery of Artillery Volunteers who have been having ai big time at Seatoun for a fortnight, have had no cases of insubordination. They have worked hard, and have shown their utility in a marked way. The little rift within the lute was supplied though by the police. There is an issue of beer, served to the men every day in the tunehonoured way. Elvery man, is entitled to it, and if he does not drmk it himself he> may dispose of it in any way witih the exception of selling it. The police, with perfectly Sherlock Holmes-like sagacity, the other day asked a gunner for tea. He supplied beer erlaidlv. "Give us a shilling, Jack," said one policeman to his mate. * ■* ¥■ The shilling was forthcoming and handed to thei beer donor. The said donor of course, refused. No other person than a policeman or a police spy would think of offering an alleged friend money for a drmk, and the action suggests that the sniffers out of suspected sly-grog trading weire deliberately endeavouring to work up a case against an unsuspecting artilleryman. The meanness, of these methods is indescribable, and, but for the fact that the police were probably at the camp under orders of their superiors, there is no doubt that the time-honoured method of dealing out blanket-tossine would have fitted the case admirably.