Afternoon Tea Gossip

Free Lance, Volume III, Issue 132, 10 January 1903, Page 6

Afternoon Tea Gossip

By Little Miss Muffitt.

That settler, who, during the Christmas, frost at Norsewood, saved has potatoes by lighting fires to windw ard of his ciop, is a smart man. He saved his potatoes, but it was death on firewood » • • I've found another "cure." Do not be sea-sick any more. Wear red spectacles, and ta,ke calomel. The red spectacles v.ill send the blood to the head, and the lack of corpuscles in the cranium, is the cause of mal de mer. You had better ti© these red spectacles on. In. running for the side of the boat -ou might lose them overboard. # * * How big is Opotiki? I believe there are a few hundred people in that paradise of maize. Anyhow, Opotiki finds it could not eet a servant girl the other day, and the papers thereabouts burst forth on the servant-girl question, and say there is< urgent need of immigration to supply the demand. Here is a chance for the mvnad millions from the Home Land. ♦ • • When an editor is away for his holidays, and the "devil" assumes the premier slash-hook on a country paper, something suffers For instance "We presume there will be some men in the new Parliament with backbone enough to ventilate the subject! on the floor of the House " I would like to see some of those curiously-constructed members with the kind of 'backbone referred to. » • • When a piessman wants to say something really horrid, he starts by saying "It is rumoured." One rumourer says that there will be a repeal of w oman franchise in the near future, and that the Upper House would carry it by a large majority. What has the Upper House got to fear from the women, anyway ? Of course, the alleged reason for the abolition is that, the legislation strengthens the prohibition vote. What has that got to do with the Upper House, I r&k with wide-ot>cn orbs 0 * • • A Chalmers boy, burning with bushranging fervour, the owner of a paralytic revolver, and a store of "Deaidw r ood Dick" facts, went around recently looking for maidens fair to rescue, and men with money to reduce to cold meat. He was entrapped by an ordinary-sized policeman, who feared not his antiquated ironworks and gained lasting fame by having his made a note of in the court register. Somehow, romance- gets badly left when cold law looms over the horizon, and grins a,t it. * * * Colonel Gudgeon, Resident at the Cook Islands, is a busy man. Most of his time is occupied in hearing divorce petitions, and the natives enjoy themselves utterly while the fun is on. It costs a native 26s 6d to file a petition, but most of them think the court proceedings arc cheap at the price. The curious thing is that they generally have no specific grievance against the respondent, and generally marry her again next day. Civilisation is a real boon to the frizzy-haired denizens of our dependencies. *■ • • A small Christchuroh. youth feels several sizes larger since he got that letter from Sandow. The youngster wrote to the modern Samson while he was in Melbourne, begging him to come along and fight a lion in Christohureh, and Sandow replied that he would come, but did not think he would be able to do anything in the lion line in New Zealand. If you see a group of boys gathered round a young hero in Chnstchurch at present they will probably be reading Sandow's historical letter. An epistle from the King is not a consequence to it. -t * * The larrikin element in Sydney is so virulent, that the authorities, believing that "music hath charms to soothe the savage beast." are going to turn bands on for the delectation of the hooligans in public parks. Fifty years ago schools and mechanics' institutes were going to do away with ecaols and lunatic asylums. Italy is the most musical country in the world, and the statistics say the most murderous. Wherefore, I opine that the new departure will be about as effective in curbing the larrikmism of Australia as a mustard plaster would be in curing a steam-engine of wheezing-

Some Gisborne girls have started out on an extensive -walking tour. They take a lured man as protector, and he drives a, buggy with the "kai" therein. They will camp in a tent, and have a real jolly time. The man in the buggy ■ pacing" the fair ones will have "food" for meditation. • • * Interesting item culled from "Hints to Mothers," in a gushing ladies' weekly. The subject is the feeding bottle. It reads "When the baby hasi finished di inking, it must be unscrewed, and laad in a cool place under a tap. If the baby does not thrive on fresh milk, it should be boiled." Where are the police? New Zealand generally teaches everybody else the coirect way to do things, does she not? I wonder if Melbourne stole the idea of giving free railway passes to o\\ ners of new suburban homes m order to decentralise the population. A £1000 home outside Melbourne, ensures a free railway pass for eight years. The fat man scores, as far a© I am able to guage. Still, in the main, the idea is good, even if it did not emanate from us * * * The New South Wales Government is advising farmers' to invest in irrigation plants, so as to be independent of rain when the drought comes. Have you ever been in New South Wales ? Great idea, to borrow money under "Settlers' Advances 1 ," to cart a costly pumping engine out into the 1 back-blocks, where, perhaps, the sole water supply is a mud tank, the waiter from which has to be "killed" bv boilinp; before being used. * • Do not, for goodness sake, starve^ your worn-out horses nearly to death. It will cost you money. A man a,t Hastings was recently fined 10s for making his horse go without food and water until they were so poor that they could scarcely crawl. The> Magistrate said he hoped the man would be sufficiently humane to either destroy them, or feed them ! If he had stolen a racehorse, looked after him with loving care, and raced him, he would probably have "gone up" for seven years. ♦ # « A New Zealand gul, wilting fiom London recently said I have heard Patti — her voice is not much now , but gh© looks fearfully young I wonder how on earth she does it?" Touching the secret of perpetual youth, how does Her Majesty Queen Alexandra, at three scoie or so, manage the cream and roses oi her cheeks and the kind young eyes that "gleam so softly neath the brown shade of her tresses." A Wellington woman, I know explains, but since she turned her hair sky-blue and had to lay up for a, month, nobody puts much faith in her system of lejuvenation • * » It is usual for country papeis in New Zealand to go into penwrapt ecstacies over the displays) of shop-keepers in their little towns. A glance into the source of the raptures is got by reading what a little paper remarks on the subject "We have decided this year to dispense with the custom we have followed for some years in describing the displays made by the various business places at this season of the year. Our reason for this is that it is utterly impossible to satisfy everybody, and on former occasions the season has been made anything but a 'festive' one for us by the grizzling and snarling we have had to put up with." • * • The Commonwealth actually allowed "Major Taylor," crack cyclist, to land. He was under contract, just the same as those hatters, you know, and he is interfering with unionists' cycling investments. Commonwealth, thy name begins with a "C," but it spells not "consistency." Of course, when J 'Mai or" comes to New Zealand (and Bill Martin says he will, if inducement enough is offered to him), he'll have to pay a tidy sum out of his income, as Sandow, the strong man, had to. We are pretty safely sheltered with up-to-date laws in New' Zealand, I can tell you, and no one will "do" us for anything in this "free" country ' * * * A valuable suggestion, emanating from an alleged horny-handed one. has struggled into print. "Why," says the suggestor, "cannot landlords, during the annual holiday, when people are turning over a new leaf, close down thear business like everybody else ?" We feel grieved that the suggestion was not available before Christinas, for, had it been placed before the landlords' of Wellington, there can be no doubt they would have cheerfully gone without their rent during Christmas week. Not, of course-, that the Wellington landlords could afford to do any such thing without courtiner bankruptcy. How they manage to live when they will ask no more than 16s a week for a prooerty costing say £450. is a mystery. If the suggestion had been in time, the disinterested ones would certainly have rushed to ruin in their anxiety to uplift their fellow man. 'Tis a comfort that the danger is past.

I suppose they have not got a PubJic Works Act in Sweden? The other day, the authorities gave Ibsen, tihe great writer, notice to quit because they wanted Ins house for offices. He threatened to leave Norway if they did any such thing, and the Government climbed down ! Norway without its Ibsen would equal in chaos New Zealand without its Seel don. * * * The descent of Dowie! The poor fellow cannot get any more credit, and all the faith lie can muster will not turn stones to bread, or bills to butcher's meat. The business people of Chicago have stopped the prophet's credit. We used to hear that the gentle Dowie had millions of pounds worth of property. I expect some rival has had faith enough to move mountains, and has exercised it in moving Dowie's real estate. So mote it be.