Entre Nous

Free Lance, Volume III, Issue 132, 10 January 1903, Page 14

Entre Nous

A STALWART indiwdual, from the far depths of the bush, enteied a Cuba-street shop wn.h lus lanky offspring the other day. He wanted a suit of clothes for the boy. The youth had so many corneis in unexpected places that it was difficult to adapt hnn to ordinnxy modern ideas. At length when the whole stock had been turned upside down, and the exhausted draper and his assistants staggered up against the counter, an outfit was discovered capable of acoommcdati-iq; the figure of the youth. "Ah!" said the delighted customer, ' what's the number of that?" "It's No. 10," replied the clothier. ''Thanks '" drawled he 'I'll just go down and bid a.t the* auction for one like that. Come on Jimmy '" And he left the paralysed draveito repair the wreck and desolation lie had created in. the establishment, without even a "Thank you." * • • You cannot beat a commercial traveller much for cool cheek and impudence, and to beat half-a-dozen of them at tihe same game is more hopeless than catching a shark with a bent pm on a piece of cotton. Half-a-dozen bagmen were coming down in the train f1 om New Plymouth to Wellington in a ' nonsmoker" the other day. It w a,s Monday morning, and they felt — well, amhow. They wanted to smoke. They did smoke. A well-known Wellington citizen, who abhors tobacco, protested in a loud, choking voice that he would have the law and then mfoim Sn Joseph Ward. The bagmen smoked serenely on. ♦ • ♦ At the next station, six eminently respectable gentlemen piesented their cards, to the statior.mastei , and protected that a nbald nerson had invaded the sanctity of their non-sniohmg carnage had persisted m cremating: the vile w eed all the wa- from New Plymouth and had used language not permitted in Parliament or in public conveyances The stationmaster, on the joint word of such a highly-respectable crow d w ent to the carriage which reeked of tobacco, and found a fuming, cuising man in there who protested his innocence. He was not calm enouerh to be bebeved, and was ignoiminioush lifted out into a second-class "smoker" in time to allow the wicked C Ts. to emc\ the luxury of a carriage to themselves and uninterrupted smokes all the wav to Wellington. Now, you dare not sneak to that non-smoker on the subject • » « If you hanker after a diih of ' frog a la framoais," it will interest you to know that an ordinary relate of the delicious little croakers, dead and fncaseed will cost you Gs in the colonies. It is not generally known that the little green delicacies are obtainable in some of the "naicest" New Zealand hotels and that a raw leg costs 2d Tk? bo-s who would use a froe foi fish me bai+ after this would be guilty of almost am crime.

Mi Seddon's Clixistmas card is piobably the most unique we have received. The cover is tastefully designed, and contains medallion portraits ot Their Majesties the King and Queen, amd T.R. Highnesses the Prince and Princess of Wales. The scroll work reads "Kia Ora," "Peace in South Africa," Coionation of King Edward, Christmas greetings, and best wishes for a Happy New Year, w ith the compliments of the Prime Minister of New Zealand. A year of industry, crowned with -^ eace and Prosperity. * ♦ * Within the covers are five r>hotographic groups, the central figure of each being the Prime Minister himself. He is represented in the foreground of a garden party m Capetown, he 1 is easily distinguished in a picture taken "At Whoam," he appears the commanding figure at the Imperial Conference at London, he fills more LL.D. robes than anyone else m a splendid reproduction of the graduation ceremony at Edinburgh University, his carriage is the object that first strikes the eye in a clear picture of his home^comine at Auckland, and among a crowd at Wellington his commanding figure is easily dominant in an immense concourse. * ♦ ♦ The outside cover represents the Prime Minister, seated at the righthand of Colonel Porter C.8., with Captain, Seddon in the foreground, and the other officers of the Coronation Contingent grouped around. Indistinctly seen in the background is Hardham. V.C.. his coveted decoration hidden bv Colonel Porter's staff cap. Altogether thei Prime Minister's souvenir is specially interesting. * » * 'A self-iespectmg hoise dines table d'oat, Salle a'manger goes straight to his heart , But never ask him (this 'tis well to note), To take his dinner a la cart." To kill time, a bevy of travellers foiegatheied in the cornmeicial" loomof a Wellington hotel, on Boxing Night, and proposed riddles. The red-headed ehaip from Sydney, started the ball rollinsr. "It is easy," he said, "to think of such riddles as 'Why is your hat like' a, baby?' which contain one simile, but those with two are far more difficult. For instance 'What is the difference betw een the son of a millionaire, an or can, and a gluepot?'" "I give it up," said a black-haired man. Well, the soil of a millionaire is an heir to millions, while an oipan has a million airs' D'ye see 5 " "But, what about the gluepot 5 " inquired another interested party. '"Oh, that is wheie you stick l " returned the quiet man. And the w a-iter smothered a guffaw behind a tray he was dusting, while the crowd called for soda-water. • * * We are so go-ahead in New Zealand that we scoim the suggestion that anyone can teach us anything. Imagine an Australian having the effrontery to say "Every important New Zealand ton n has a considerable stream of water in close proximity. And with all this pew er running to waste coal is dragged round the coast from Westland at a shocking expense. In some respects, Maomland is fast enough , in some otheis. a oaterpiller could give it ten \ a.rds' start and win easily " Even if it isi true why should they woimd oui vanity thus?

It is said to be easier to get sunbeams out of a pumpkin than to extract a joke out of the National Hymn, "God Save the King." However, as a result of Mr. Pierpont Morgan's recent visit to His Majesty the King, someone has done so. The British monarch and the oil king sat them down to have a game of bridge. Immediately the bandmaster in charge of the royal tootlers struck up "God Save the King." Of course, Morgan beat H.M. in spite of the musical prayer.

He was am airy, fairy, silvery tenor, with a large, rolling eye, a waste of hair, and a dear little dimple in his cheek. He had been earned to the bush township at great expense to sing at a big local concert, for the benefit of consumptive tamwhas or something of the kind, and when he tupped on in his evening suit, with his tremendous sweep of shirt front, and his reckless display of cuff and collar and white kid gloves, and bowed sweetly and smiled still more sweetly, the rough audience' gasped at him. * «■ • Then, he sang a simple, touching lay of love and longing and anguish and early death and his voice was so silvery it was almost soprano. He didn't suit that coarse audience and insulting noises were made bv rude men, someone imitated the plaintive wail of a desolute oat lost in the moonlight, and the girls sniggered. When he finished, there was much sarcastic apolause. well sustained, and the tenor bowed right and left with great fervour, and was smiling his heart's delight, when suddenly a brutal person in the front of the gallery roared at the audience, "For heaven's sake shut up you fools, or he'll be doing it again'" * # * Tale of a hard-headed business man of Dunedin. Business man's drays carrying coal. Little ''criminal" tailing behind, picking up the droppings in a bag. Bag full, boy off. Business man after boy. Boy caucht. Man makes the boy take him to his house. What a house' Poor woman in squalid room, husband dead and herself sick. No fire, like a picture from Dickens. Did business man do as he intended ? Did ho lecture the neglectful mother on the cinmina! instincts of her offspring? No He rushed out. For a policeman, of course 9 Five minutes later the inhuman monster personally conducted one of his idravs mto the little backyard of the tumbledown shanty, and shot a, ton of coal down. Send in his bill s For the first t'me in his life. No' * * * Says th<? Auckland '"Observer — "They have a live Farmers' Union in the Southland district, and a project is afoot to make it livelier still. The idea is to appoint as organising: secretary a eteirinary surgeon who is also a practical scientific fanner, and who can travel round and give lectures to the branches on horse and cattle subjects, and also post up the settlers m farm and stock management — all this for £400 a-> eai and a railway r>ass. The man 10 be selected will need to be a port of walking cyclopaedia , but the South-landers oueflht to have a good thine on if they get such a Darason." The Hutt Council can easily bei^t this They wanted a better man than the above for £100 nei annum.

That weary paragraph, talking about a new-chum lawyer's clerk who was alleged to be "real smart" because he wrote his first demand to ai debtor thus, "Failing compliance with this demand. we will take steps that will amaze you," is not a patch on the letter of a Greystreet lawyer's clerk, who absent-mind-edly wrote, "Dear sir, — If you don't pay up . Yours, etc." The blank, a pure accident, so scared the debtor that next day he sent the full amount, with t's. for lawyer's charges.

The jovial "comp." was mainly responsible for a budget of amusing errors during the festive season. One paper announced the death of Baron Willoughby "Dead Broke." In the commercial report of another, the "Chinese" market was quoted at 595 ; and a third stated that the "licensee" of the Bung Fung Hotel would expire next June. Still another caused a theatrical troupe to be besieged by a hungry mob because it reported that the said company carried a splendid lot of "scones." * ♦ • A new type of "Christian gentleman" has come to light in Auckland — one who throw s out a bait by newspaper advertisement to lure girls into correspondence. All that he desires, according to his announcement in a Northern paper is the "acquaintance" of an accomplished young "lady, "of refined vet simple tastes." She must be "blueeyed, buxom and brainy, of good size, fine form, and winsome ways." It should not be hard to find plenty of girls in Auckland able to fulfil these specifications. But, there is evidence about the advertisement that they will be wise to get some outside proof of the "gentleman's" fine Christian principles. • • • Found scribbled on the wall of the cell, north of the P. 0., usually set aside by a beneficent country for the nocturnal accommodation of persons afflicted with that unslaked feeling Christmas' comes but once a year, And, oh, but I am glad; For more than one of them, I fear, Would drive me to the bad ! # * * A Wellington widower, who suffered nearly a year of solitude before he took unto himself a maiden fair, aged fifty, has been away for his second honeymoon.. He returned the day before yesterday, and, in an impressive address to his children, he introduced Ma No. 2. To them he said —"Children, kiss this lady. She is the new mamma I promised to Ibring you." After taking a stead y look at the "new mamma," the bright lad of the crowd exclaimed "Papa you have been cheated. She isn't new at all." But, papa has had commercial experience. Bless you, he knows the side ins bread is. buttered on ! • * • The man who described the Australian Never Never in the words following is said to' hav-eescaped from his homestead on a, sheet os\bark, with a broom for a paddle, and a couple of corn sacks for sails. Before the gentle rain of heaven came down, and washed the country clear of bones, he described his selection as "A waterless, womanless, but far from whiskeivless desert., where the sheep live on gum leaves, the horses on the memory of bvg'one crass, and the cattle, not harm? such a vivid irr agination, don't live at all."