ENTRENOUS

Free Lance, Volume III, Issue 131, 3 January 1903, Page 14

ENTRENOUS

THE old-time cavalier, who used to invest his stalwart form m ironmongery, and get him a prop woith a spike on the end, in order to win a gentle maiden, who permitted such, foolery, is followed at some distance even now - a - days by dairk wighte who want to win a wahine. We heard a tale of how such, an one was won the other day. A Maori maiden, laving up tlhe country, farmed for her charms and prepossessing appearance, was 111 much demand, her admirers being numbered by the score. The pace was made willing, and eventually only two remained in the race for her hand. Eaoh of these smtors firmly considered himself a veritable Don Juan, and one would not give way to the other. ■y- * The rivalry between the two was very marked, and it looked at one time as though blood would be spilt. Both happened to be out on the road one day, when a pakeha arrived, with whom they were on intimate terms. They decidled to put the matter before* him, and to abide by his decision. After hearing what they had to say, the white sent for the girl. When sihe arrived, he placed her between a couple of telegraph poles, and ordered the modern Lotharios to the posts, whence, he said, tihey would hiave to start in a race for the maiden, the one> touching her finst to have prior claim to her affections. This was duly done, and the winner has lived with he,r "happy and contented, ever since," vide the yellow -backs. • • • Lines written in a country churchyard — no relation to Gray's Elegy, however — Here lies a man who never let Profanity pass through him . But, sad to say, ho caused a lot Among the folks who knew him ' * * * A suburban resident, since rent went up some more has< gone m for fowl rearing. He had spent more money in meal than he hiad earned in eggs until recently. Now, all hais changed. A smart friend suggested mixing sawdust with the feed, instead of meal. This he did, and the hens have been taking it greedily. Now, that one hen has hatched out a 1 clutch of chicks with wooden legs, and another he.i has, a brace of woodpeckers among her little lot, he is going in for the freak business. Anyone doubting the truth of this yarn may call on the owner of the chicks with carpenter's tools and try them.

A quiet young fellow emeiged from an hotel in a Northern, city recently, and began poking in the earth with his cane. Of course, a bystander saw him, and asked what he was about. "I'm looking for a sovereign, " was the answer. The aueistioneir was interested, and, procurin- a long stick, fell to digging also. A second man, did likewise, and others followed suit, until at least forty individuals joined in the search. Umbrellas, canes, and boottoes were brought into requisition and stirred up the dust to such an extent that, the air resounded with a ohorus of sneezes, while the policeman nearly went distracted m his fruitless endeavours to disperse the crowd. • ♦ Finally, someone remembered to ask the ouieit young fellow how he happened to lose the coin. 'Oh, I didn't lose one," he replied calmly. "I just thought I murht find one if I kept on looking, that's all." Then, each separate member of that party of volunteer searchers wont wr^ithfullv away, and the quiet young fellow sat down and smiled till he was red in the face. * * * Slue has the bear's ethenal grace. The btenid hyena's laugh, The footstep of the elephant. The neck of the giraffe. I love heir still believe me. Though mv heart its passion hides She's al m fancy painted her — But, oh! how much besides' • • • Mr. S. E. Howie, of Auckland, does not want to go to Salt Lake City any more. Fresh waiter lakes, the hotwater variety, or mineral bubblers, are good enough for him right here in New Zealanid. Hear the tale he tells — A man, with great cleverness, enticed Mr. Howiei to a lofty room, where the Aucklander speedily djscovored that hei was deliberately trapped. Having refused to drink or play card's, he was ordered to produce all th© money h© had on him, and on refusing was threatened with a loaded revolver. Knowing the room was in a: busy thoroughfare, he dared his assailants to use the weapon, and, as he seized a chair to dlefend himself, one of the rogues felled him with a blow on the back of the head. Mr. Howie was stuni.^d, and a good deal bruised. ¥■ * * On recovering his senses, he found a gag in his mouth and his pockets rifled of money, including; about £80 in notes, and his tourist tickets, credentials, eto. His assailants had disappeared. Afteahe had nearly broken down the uoor. a woman! aropoared, and Mr. Howie learned that her oterrtlemaaly lodgers had only taken V" their quarters there that day, and, as a matter of fact, all their belongings had disappeared with Mr. Howie's money. The affair, of course, was reported to tihie police, but nothing came of it. Next day, Mr. Howie received at Hs hotel a parcel containing his tourist ticket and other documents, with a grossly-worded note telling him to "Keep these things tLev are of no h«p to us "

Some queer accidents happen at sea, and accidents quite as queer happen on land. What about the poor old chap at Wanganui the other day, who fell asleep in the grass, wh 6h became ignited from a rpipei spark, he beic-g so severely burned as to endanger his life ? We -emcimbeir a queerer accident, however. It was in the back country between Hill End and Orange, New South Wales. A couple of kangarooers, walking along a wire fence, after sundown, noticed a large "kangaroo" stuck up in tlhe wires. One man, fired. The "roo" moved not, but gave a faint cry. Both hunters moved up, and found. — -not «, kangaroo, but an old white-haired swagman. • • ♦ The man, tired, lost, and hungry had essayed to get through the fence with his swag on, and the swag, falling over the second wire, had jammed so tightly that the weak old chap was unable to extricate himself. He had been there "shice yesterday sundown." The bullet fired had gone through the swag' The hunters fed him up on kangaroota.il soup, and, in a week, sent him on his way. Soquei? The old fellow was a ne'er-do-weel , who afterward® benefitted largely by an English will. Dying, he left the whole to has rescuers. Where are they? One is in the New South Wales Legislature, and the other is — well, shooting kangaroos. • • ♦ The people in charge of educational maittersi at Y/anecjiiiui arc evidently grim humourists. A young man was, some months ago summoned to attend the sittings of the Magistrate's Court to show cause why he did not send his children to school as; provided bv statute. The defendant, not putting m an appearance., was duly fined. Of course, he did not pay, and the usual judgment summonsi followed. The defendant wants to know now how he, a bachelor, not having any children, can be mulcted in fines for the non-attend-ance of children, existing only in tlie imagination of the powers that be. The only way out of the difficulty the situation suggests is for the youne man to marry a widow with truant children. He will tihen feel -justified in paying fines. In the meantime, the case is to be tried over again, in order to prove whether a childless bachelor is responsible for the attendance of children he has probably ii ever seen. • • Smart, but m^an, game plajcd at .? family party at Thorndon a fevs nights ago One of the company proposed tli at each person present should stake a shilling, and the pool should be taken b\ the one who possessed most of the artiolei which he (the proposer) _ would inquire for. All present joined in and the jokist added his own shilling to the pile with a cunnino; smile, and then asked "Now, which of you ladies awl gentlemen haropensi to have the sreatest number of false teeth ?" Deathlike stillness for "the space of one minute then a burst of general laughter "I have six," continued the promoter of the game, "who has got more?" Nobody would own un and the loker tock the pool.

Mr. Seddon was at that nice little party they gave Mr. Hogg, the member for Master-tail the other day, in the cdttiy of the trout hatcheries. Among other things the optimist said was '. "Why, do you know, ladies and gentle-r men, the veiry day after the election wool went up 20 per cent. (Laughter.) Some say it was a very strange coincidence, nothing else. He solemiiilv as^ sured them that it was not done bv arrangement! between the London agents and himself." And, the way the people laiughed showed that x'x&y viewed the fact, that "Diok" was able to control the t London wool market as being distinctly witihin the pale of possibility. In view of the rumour that Mr. Hogg: is rather a warm favourite for "Lands," it is interesting to note the little shove King Diok gave the genial Maistertoniam on that occasion. Speaking with suppressed eloquence, Mr. Seddon told the people that, they had better siay to Mr. Hogg- "Well done tihou good and faithful servant — and stop as long as you like." • ♦■ • Horrifying to note that some New Zeiaiand papers are following the snobbisih custom of the English press bv prefixing amateur cricketers with a Mr. and Heaving the professionals without the handle used in polite society. It is marvellous that the professionals have never vet themselves howled the custom down. Talking about professionals, many of the so-called "gentlemen" players of England receive big allowances in the matter of hotel and travelling expenses. The custom at Home is for the professional to go in at one crate, and the "eentlemein" players by the other. Further, fti is the custom for the said "gentlemeni" to address the professionals as "Jones," or "Smith," or "Robinson." while the gilt-edged amateur requires the commoner to addreps him as "sir." The democracy of sport? ♦ • • Lucid line in a learned exposition -i the "Public Revenues Act," printed by a, reputable eountrv newspaper • tc't lya/ffit man airtfhe man rash all rath But themi, "comps" a>re only human at Christmas time. * « • A Wellington ma.i, who has iust returned from England and the Continent, tells us how he o'ot his new name. He hired a courier ait Nice, and took him with him through Austria. In that, country of fierce moustaches and police supervision, hotel visitors are required to register their name and occupation) in a book for police purposes. The Wellington man's Adolphe could not write a word of English", but he could speak it like — like a Frenchman. Mi . wai« informed bv the courier that he had already registered his name. As Mr. had never told him his name this was queer. Where had Adolnhe found this out? From Monsieur's portmanteau. But, there was not any name on the portmanteau. Anyway, Adolphe triumphed. He brought his i>roof . In the book Mr. of Wellington, was described as "Monsieur Warranted Solid Leaitiher."

Six John Madden, Oliief Justice of Victoria., will be in. a parlous plight when the Australian girl gets to< hear of his unkind 1 email ks the other night , at a public meeting, in the "garden" State Sir John admitted that the average of female beauty in Australia, is high, as high, mayhaip, as anywhere m the world, "but," he asked, 'why m the name of goodness is it that our girls and young women talk badly and walk badly ?" Continuing, the Chief Justice said' that all intelligent foreigners who visited Australia were struck with the vulgar and unintelligible chatter of the women, and their graceless carnage ir the stieet6 < * * Care and thought he saad would remedy tihei first, fault . the gymnasium and the looking-glass the second. Mercifully His Honor refrained from alluding to the size of Australian girls' feet , but if he talks like this in theconuparativelv "green wood" of a classical lecture, what, it may well be asked, will he do m the "dry" wood of, say, the Austral salon ? * * # An intended elopement, with an amusing sequel, is being talked of in certain quarterns. The distnct need not be named, but it is a good distance from town. One of the settlers* coveted his neighbours wife. The lady found him aai agreeable person, and was m no wise averse to his advances, and, after a long senles of surreptitious meetings, it was agreed that, the ~ i ~ should make off together. So the lover drove round one dark night, and waited till hisi adored stole up and climbed in. ait. the back of the vehicle. Then, he drove funouslv awaiv from the township into the solitude, a,nd at lasrf: drew up, a.nd turned to address his partner in mischief. But, to his. astonishment, instead of receiving endearments? he met a blow from a well-aimed fist, which knocked him out of the trap, and was followed up bv other blows that dealt out to him pietty severe punishment before he had sufficiently taken in the situation to be able to defend himself. The fact was that his companion m the ride, instead of the woman he expected, was really her husband in disguise that she had repented at the eleventh hour, and confessed everything . and that he bad eloped with a justly an<ry man instead. Since then, he has been at considerable pains to account to his neighbours for his decorated countenance, and the facts have leaked cut in spite of clever fictions. * * * Little dabs of powder Little specks of paint, Make tflie seaside freckle Look as if it ain't. » * » Wonder why New Zealand hotels, slavishly copying older institutions, disguise weary old dishes under French names. If you go into a Parisian restaurant, labelled "loi on parle francais " they spell the menu for you in English. About one man in ten knows d-'ceuvr l." from a, horseraJish or a ' pate de foie gras" from a dog-biscuit. A man, who returned to Wellington from Paris the other day, dined at a very stylish hotel. The usual French menu of course. He threw the card aside. "There's not a bally thing I want, there'" he said. "Isn't there anything at all you would like for dinrer, sir?" inquired the waiter * * * •Have you got an* 7 sine qua non ?" the hungry one asked. The waiter gasped. 'No sir," he replied. "Got an' bona fide 5 " N-no, sir." "Got any semner idem & " No, sn , we haven't." "Got any jeu d'esprits?" 'No, sir not one " Got any tempus fugit?" "I think not sir " "Got any soiree dansante 0 " No sn." The waiter was edgiae: oft Got any sine die?" The waiter's face showed some signs of intelligence He went out but leturned sadly Wo ain't got any left, sir " he said in a tone of disappointment "Got any mal de ir>er?" "N-no, sir." The waiter was going to Pieces fast, and the gentleman was as serious as a December morning. 'Got any vice versa?" he inouired a^ain The waiter could only shako Ins head "No. Well you've aot some beef and cabbage?" ' Yessii- 1 ' 1 veiled the water, with a glad sigh of lehef * • It will be interesting to many who feai ta into the wet, that a. great medico has rec?,:rtlv discovered that the morning bath is a.n unhealthy habit. He sa^s that the instinct of the child who loves to wallow in a coal bucket, or fill its pores' witlh jam, who yells at its bath, and delights m mud, is right Wo do not know how true this is. of course but the habit of going without n wash would have been handy in Australia at drought time. Talking about wash 1 lip the medical authorities in Africa dunne the war, prohibited too much washing The disposition, after ? month of "healthful" dirtiness, to disport iti rive***! was too much for many Tommies who are alleeed to have died fiom the new -found cleanliness

Four experts are to be appointed to discover a likely spot in Australia whereon to plaint the Federal capital. It will be a long job toi the experts wiio aienot vet picked, axei to get £4 4s a day How, by the way have any possible experts gained their expertness s All the people who have "picked" sites for modern capitals are long since dead. By the wav, the Australian papers have for many months passed published photographs of the "proposed Federal capital sites," and the proposed places are hundreds of miles from each other. It is suggested that one each of the four guinea a-day experts camp at different spots and have a glorious tune There need be no hurry. The people will pay for their capital * * • Aba local church service on Christmas Day, an incident out of the ordinary happened. At the conclusion of the sermon the collection us usually taken up On this occasion the minister failed to make the announcement, leaving the congregation fairl-" gasping: at the thought of not having to put their sixpences and threepenny-bits into the plate. Just as the minister had pronounced tro benediction, and was rh<missins the neople, one of the coneregation siuddenlv recovered from hi« astonishment arcl reminded the minister of

the omission he had made. The ministei suddenly sprang up, and, waving his arms, cried 'Stop, brethren, stop ' We have forgotten the most interesting part of the service w e've forgotten the salver '" We published in our issue of SeDtember Oth a paragraph reading as follow s "Mick Whelan, the narrowly-escaped victim of the alleged shooting by the Thames lady. Mrs. A. G. Taylor who masqueraded in mail's attare, is a wellknown Thames boy. He 1 was one time a 'printer's devil' on the Thames 'Star,' and afterw ards w ent into the iron industry at one of the local foundries. He was usually supposed to be a quiet, inoffensive youth, who had to work very haid for a living." It appears that the Mr. Whelan who was a "printer's" devil," and who is still a foundry worker, was in no way connected with the Whelajn^Tavloir cape He naturally felt, aggrieved that the paragraph uninteiitionallv pointed to him The similarity of the names of the plaintiff in the ciasej, and the e*e>n.tleman referred to led to an error, which we much reeret. • • ♦ The smart, alert policemen we know ir Wellington have brothers who are not «o sirvwt or alert For instance in one of the la/rgest Southern towns re-

Maori elections are quaint happenings. According to a returning officer, who was m oharge of the Waipawa booth, for "dullness, dreariness, and inanity there is nothing to beat it." Maoris, whose intelligence is generally commended, are not considered intelligent enough o vote in the ordinary way. They have to answer a sti'ing of questions as to name, family, tribe and address, and those particulars aie entered into a "vot'Tjg prvper" — otherwise, a large, bound record. * • • The billet of returning officer is no saneoure. At Waipawa, the Maoris all waited outside the booth until their friends had arrived, and then the whole body trooped in, and filled the atmospheirei, and talked vociferously. About ninety stalwart Moans, gathered rouind a "voting paper," was too much for the officer, Who remarks in print that, having onoe experienced the difficulty of filling; up a volume of Mac*ri statistics, he will mi future let someone ellsie undertake the difficult task. • • * A Northern paper says that "it is whispered" that Thursday is New Year's Day Supposing it should be discovered too late tihat the informant had been "pulling the little paper's leg" !

It takes a heap oi unpropiuious weather to deter tihe average excursionist who has mad© up his mind for a, trio on Boxing Day. The Zealandia and the Rotonnahann, with unmenae crowds on board, started for Pioton in a deluge of rain on tha/t day. Nobody minded, and nobody suffered moonvenienoe, for the vessels are roomy, and well-appoint-ed. Nature smiled ere the good ships had been to sea very long, and the trippers enjoyed themselves in. tihe timet-honoured way. No] ody, in the ecstaoy of love's young dream, was hosed out from behind boats by swabbing sailors, and joyous looks on youthful cheeks spoke volumes for the success of the old, old negotiations. * * * Eveai the porpoises knew it was Boxing Day, and tlie smooth-ooaited dolphins held a long programme of sports, excitedly backed by hilarious passengers. Picton, embowered 1 in beauty, like a new little world, was bright and hot and cheerful. Some people tirod themselves out seekirej the beauties of nature, and others, intenit on that old tal©, were just content to let the time glide until tihe whistle blew. There aire less enjoyable ways of spending a day's outing than in taking a trip to Pioton in the Union ' Company or Hud-dart-Parker boats.

oently, a probationer wa» on his fiitet beat. It overlooked a gasworks, and the purlieus tiheiraibouts are noted- for the: number of their bad characters. The sub-inspector told him to keep an eye , lifted, and, you may depend, Q bert did "hm best. Wh^n he went "on" tlhte ' gasometea- was full, aaid was, therefoore. visible. In the morning he excitedly reported that "he expected them thieves had been around," for the gasometer had disappeared !