Afternoon Tea Gossip

Free Lance, Volume III, Issue 129, 20 December 1902, Page 6

Afternoon Tea Gossip

By Little Miss Muffitt.

Featherston claims to have the strongest man in New Zealand. He threatens to join S&ndow soon, and throw half -tons about. He says he is a pupil of the great man's. lam afraid Sandow will do a "lone turn" while his muscle holds. He would not permit any possible rival. • • • Wind? It cannot blow in Wellington!, as I am always telling you. It blows at Eltham, however. The other night the zephyrs played around and scattered things. A few roofs were removed, and one of them was blown on to a neighbouring allot .lent. The owner stood it for a while After a week he wrote a polite note- "Mr presents his compliments to Mr. and if he does not tcJse his roof back it will be used for building fowl-houses." • » • General Sir Hector Macdonald has stall a warm place in his heart for New Zealand. Trade Commissioner Gow called upon him at his headquarters in Colombo recently, and chatted about tilings in general, and New Zealand in particular. Curious thing that Mr. Gow found Hector reading a New Zealand proper. Modesty prevents me from saying what New Zealand paDer it was, and what particular column the General was nerusms; ait tlhe time. • • • New Zealand will, m a few years, be a prohibition country — perhaps. When it comes, the vine-growing industry will perish, of course. It's a sin to make wine, and, by a simple process of logic, it's a sin to grow grapes. Who invents ed grapes, anyhow? What were they made for but to be a stumbling block to Christendom. The police should be put on to gather information as to sly grape growin?. I believe, quite a lot of people ut> North are engaged in this pernicious practice. Some of those "Muritai" police probationers should be afeked to find out the "truth" about it. People from Home, who have seen how nice they look in an Australian or New Zealand photograph, do not care about patronising Old Country "fiends" any more. The Marchioness of Linlithgow has recently placed a big order for photographs with an Australian firm. One really does not know how handsome one is until one sees a really up-to-date colonial photographer's idea of one. • • * Talking about modern photography, I was chiattinig to a "retouching" young lady over the counter of a local picture emporium the other day, and a man from the country scrolled in. Was his photo, finished? Yes. The girl got it. The 1 man looked at it in surprise, and then turned it over. "What yer givin' us!" he said. "It oan't be me. Why. it's got another fellow's name on the back '" And it took some time to convince him that the handsome, debonair gentleman, with the peachy cheek and the distinguished air, was Jack Blinks, from tka bush. • • ♦ Bags figured in the evidence of a Dunedin boy, the other day, in a police court case. "What kind of bags?" "Sugar bags," said the boy. ' What sort of bags are they?" queried the lawyer. "What ttey put sugar in," answered the witness. "No, what are they like?" asked the lawyer agam. "Coal bags." "Gunny hags, I suppose?" asked the lawyer. Thj° boy looked lost. "He doesn't know a gpnny bag from a bar of soap!" said the smart lawyer. "You know a bit about most things — bar soap I" retorted that "stupid" boy. • * • I notice that persistent attempts rre being made throughout the colony to spread the report that King Dick is failing in health. I happened to glance down into the saloon of the Moeraki (the Union Company's lovely new boat), the other day when "Dick" was talking to an assemblage of prominent citizens, who were "wetting" the occasion. The pale, thin look wasn't there. King Dick takes about the same size of waistcoat as formerly. He is healthy, happy, and leonine as ever, and if the average Wellington young man is able to prove that he has as good a "life" as R. J. S. he is a lucky individual indeed. King Richard makes no secret^ about thoroughly enioving his meals, either.

The lady who recently advertised in the daily papers for a "girl to do light-house work," soon got a reply This was the answei "Seeing you want a girl, and having; good references, will you please say where the light-house is, as I suffer from swollen glands, and the doctor says sea air might cure me." * * * A nolxoe court case was adjourned in Waihi the other day because the whole of the witnesses (twelve in all) had measles. They all got out of their beds to attend the court, but the magistrate, happening to see one waitery-eyed individual about to kiss the. ancient Bible, made him desist and actually said he could go home with his eleven measled companions. Bible oaths — ugh ' * * * The latest curie for consumption is the inhalation of garhc. There is an old saying, "See Naples and die," and I had always imagined that garlic was tthe oidour one would die of. The whole city reeks with the horrid smell, but, now that it is the latest fad for the cure of consumption, the old advice will havQ to be altered to "Smell Naples, and survive." * « • In spite of muslin blouses, and dainty summer fripperies the snow falls on the ranges out-back. Touching a recent snowstorm, a country paper says "Last night, especially durinqr the first hours of the morning, the weather was freazingly cold." The scribe who penned this remarkable statement was probably hazy as to the hour when that particular night merged into morning At a little local bethel, last Sunday, it is said thdit thie officiating minister concluded his prayer by saying, "0 Lord may the prohibitionists hang together on election days in con-cord and accord." A well-known Boniface, who happened to be at church that day it is alleged, was distinctly heard 1 to mutter "Amen ' 0 Lord Ido not. care by what cord they hang, as long as they do hang." * • * I note, by examination of a photograph of a Melbourne street, recently received, that the new by-law prohibiting footpath expectoration ie pasted up on the. telegraph posts, wath a warning to possible evil doers. Of course, it takes money to print these kind of warnings, and the 10s or so that might be spent oca the matter in Wellington is wanted for the erection of a Town Hall or the laying of wood pavements. * • ♦ Clement Wragge, the lengthy prophet of woe and weather, who christened one recent big "blow" Torrey, and tlhe gentle rain of the earth that saved a few thousand square miles of Australia "Melba," is an eccentric genius. He is goong to start out soon as a lecturer. Clement's photopraph, in an Australian faper, as a Bedouin sheik, is a marvel, expect he has got to wear a big kookha pipe, a warned look, and legs of excessive thinness to prophesy what is going to happen in the way of weather dtuHn,£ the coming year. You will gather thait dement does not require to "Sandoiw" to decrease his embonpoint when I tell you that he is six feet in length, and 1 weighs Bst 121b. * • * "Who stole tie duck?" is the question that is a^i.t>ajting the guest of one of Wellington's best hotels. It seems that a certain dainty little vaudeville lady has a precarious appetite, and an admirer, hearing this, forwarded what purported to be poultry of some kind. One of the hotel servants took the parcel, and reported that it was oij the table in the lady's room. When, however, the dainty one went to gather her poultry, there was a blank spot on the table, and a gnawing pain in her heart. The guardian of the dainty one is alleged to have been seething with indignation ever since "Poor little E , she hardly eats 1 enough to keep a bird alive, and now they've taken her duck!" has been dished up at meal times for some time. It appears that the boarders are slightly wearying of the nuestion, "Who stole E 's duck?"