It is Town Talk

Free Lance, Volume III, Issue 128, 13 December 1902, Page 26

It is Town Talk

—That the "Times's" elucidation of a. "moot point" m cricket, hi its Monday s issue, was very mixed. That there is a pale, tired, stift look about many corpulent Wellington citizens. They have been Sandowing. —They say that no news is good news —but there seems to be no hurry to commence running newspapers on that prmcssple. That authorities on cricket were greatly in evidence at the Basin Keijerve on Saturday. And, how few of them were right, too. —That "a local artist in shorthand drew a prize m TattereaJl> Melbourne Cup sweep. Like Brer Rabbit, he "lies low, and sez nufiin'. —That the "cursed drink" is still sending people to the asylums, in spite of the prohibitionists. One ruined publican is the latest victim. —That the question as to whether the plaintiff in the slander case received his farthing damages bv cheque or oaSn is agitating some inquisitive citizens. —That everywhere the übiquitous "bookie" is being fined for "trespassing on racecourses. There must be no competition to the pure and pious tote. —That a Southern clergyman refused to unite a recently-arrived Boer maiden to the soldier of her choice the other day. We thought the war was over. —That fifteen Maoris m the South Island, formerly in receipt of the statubory dole, have ceased to get the old a<re pension. Growing younger, we expect. That perjury is an awful offence' — in Court. An accomplished police Ananias may distend facts indefinitely for the purpose of securing sly-grog convictions. —That, wvL-cei a Wellington schoolteacher asked tho class how the earth wias divided, he was not prepared for the answer by the small boy, who replied, "By earthquakes." —That Opotiki gave a returned troopers' social, at a shilling a head, the other day. The committee realised 2s and a trouser button. Evidently, the khaki business has finally fizzled. —That the hand of that old satirist, H. B. Bridge, has not lost it® cunning. He was responsible for the sipeeches heard at the Women's Mock Parliament at the Exchange Hall on Monday night. —That His Worship, M.H.R. Aitken, has not ouite, recovered from the elections, although he has been to Wanganui. He remarked," at the Sandow reception., that Eugen was "top of the poll." —That it is as well to analyse the succulent bivalves captured nearby the sewer outlet, in our harbours. Eattna; tainted shellfish at Napier has caused an outbreak of typhoid at the native school. That Wellington will miss one of its dleveirest vaudeville entertainments if Melrose Borough really merges into the city. Monday's meeting on the question drew a "Teat many people from rival shows. —That Dunedm City Council wanted a junior inspector. It can have any one of the 107 applicants, seventy-three of whom are returned soldiers, who were promised work before they started out to quell the Boer. That Sandow said at his reception that he has never seen a finer race of men than those of New Zealand. Whereat, the assembled local Sandows burst several buttons apiece, and will purchase larger halts at once. — That some people hesitated to shake hands with the mighty Sandow. His "shake" is, however, as gentle as a lady's caress, although he has to be careful not to breathe too hard, for fear of bursting his waistcoat. — That Joe Groddiard, the ex-cham-pion heavyweight Australian pugilist, who was "shot dead in a street brawl" in America, is living iai the lunatic asylum, at Blaokwood," U.S.A. It was only an "American death" after ail. — That a good deal of "copy" has been made out of the bare fact that Colonel Porter's horse is the only one that has come back from the war. There was one "Mair," however, who survived. and is now irn New Zealand. —That the "cods" at the Sandow show, on Monday nierht, gave Tom Wilford and Sandow a great reception. The sound of 500 voices yelling "Everything in tee Garden's Lovely" was one of the hits of the performance. Tom blushed not. Tom is a erreat artist , and chooses h's "'nsychologieal moment" cleverly.

— That loafers and postage stamps aie usually stuck on corners. —That "Dick and Joe" were the prize ponies in their class at the Otago Show last week. They pull well togethei . —That Westport has a "city" band. Wellington thou sluggard among cities, wake up, and grip thy civic trombone. That Sir William Steward reads his Lance. He suggests the ballot-box with the candidates' photographs thereon. — That, according to a Victorian critic Melba laughs like a man. It does not mean, of course, that she is guilty of man slaughter. — That this is the season of the year when girLs wear unlihed muslini blouses vi tiheir imagination — and snowstorms bury lamb lidos in the back country. That at least one elector drank himself to death on beer supplied' in a candidate's committee-room before the elections. He paid dear for this "privilege." —That the authorities trued to stir up sl'eepv Rotorua geysers until the Maoris left: in a batch. Other countries would like to know how to kill volcanic action. That plasmon, the Droduot of skimmilk is recommended by Sandow for food. This is a hmt for farmers whose children eat meat. It should be cheap. That still the inflammatory flannelette death works its fell purpose. Obituary Cyril Hooke, at New Plymouth, aged 7 Wh^ not clothe youngsters in kerosene ? That a Melbourne young man strolled into gaol the other da 7, and requested to be hanged. Fortunately, the^ Australian "hanging ludge" died some years ago. That one of the thirty-five German settlers who arrived in Wellington! Hast ■w eek went, into a Lanibton Quay hostelry and put down a penny. He wanted a kervart of bier" ! That a calf was horh, at Burnside the other day with the &air-mark of her cow-mother. We h^ve 'seen a child who was born with the same kind of bald-head as its father. — That a recent case could not be heard in MasteartOn. "because the nolice force was engaged in Wellington." Wonder if the hotels closed at 11 sharp during the peaceful intermission? — That grass is evidently growing in the streets at Masterton. The local papers say that the common bunny strays 1 into the public streets there. Put it down to the Australian drought, anyhow. .That Sandow can pick up a piano and player in one hand, and drop them outside a building. He would be handsomely paid if he would make a house-to-house visitation in some olaces we wot of. — That literary workers, with tired eyes, are recommended by a great doctor to spread bit® of coloured silk round the inkpot, to rest the optics. Bits of coloured silk scurrying round a racecourse are good too. That optimism is the chief characteristic of the Melrose Borough Council. It wants the Cit- Council to put a tunnel through the town belt. Someone will ask it to lay footpaths or something ridiculous like that yet ' r — i-That 'a well-known dipsomaniac has surprised his friends 1 by announcing that he had voted for reduction, and explained "It's quite time they did reduce the price. "We're paying a darned -sight toot much for out pint o J beer !" —That the rent-collecting ageint, who demanded back payment "and 5s the cost of the application," from a gentleman who had paid up to his landlord the day previously, would give 5s to oaten up a brakes friendship and a darklytinted eye. — That the volcano-quencher, who has paralysed America with an earthquake tincture, is a Maori. One application is generally sufficient to ouell the most obstinate outbreak. The Yankee editor who says so should take a stock when he crosses the "Great Divide"— he'll want it. — That an Act was passed m the reign of Edward VI. which made it a penal offence to induce anyone to abstain from specified foods and drinks. This would be rough on the prohibitionists were this law, which has never been repealed, enforced. That a Wairarapa gentleman has apologised, through the paper, on the demand of a much-hurt gentleman. The terms of the advertisement are — "I regret exceedingly the epithets hurled bv my parrot at Mr. . and withdraw the same unreservedly " — That the Manawatu County Council passed a vote of censure on everybody who was wantonly destroying New Zealand timber the other day. Pity somebody moie influential than that council does not see about it. Kill a forest and plant a sapling is the New Zealand style of doing things.

— T'hait one New Zealand horseowner is threatening to train his racers "a la Sandow," atad ext>ects to bring "weeds" to Melbourne Cup perfection. The system should be useful for making draught® out of hacks. — That the railway threatened to go through the Kin.^ Country thirty years ago : Vide a newspaper of that disfcaint time — "TajWhiao has consented to the railwaiy being carried through tlie Bang Country on cond : tian tluat a dozen firstclass catrriages and a special engine be aiwavs kept in readiness for the use of His Majesty and suite."