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Free Lance, Volume III, Issue 127, 6 December 1902, Page 14

THE most sticking hguic m town at present is Mr. E. M. Smith, the Tarajiahi non monaioh Those who have uevei yet seen him,, will' be able to identih him bj the wealth ok puggaie© on. his straw hat. Like other gi eat men, Mr. Cmith has his eccentncities in dress. Gladstone had his collar, Disraeli Jus rings, w orn outside the gloves. Mr. Chamberlain is inseparable from his monocle and orohid. Mi. Smith,, as a general tiling, shows* his contempt for slavish f ashion by going w lthout a tie. The whole appearance of the man denotes h*s openness and liis inability to simulate what he does not feel. The wide, open frock coat, the white waistcoat and flowing watch-ohain the absence of tie, and the streaming twotailed puggaree, all make up a picture that tells you at ouce that there is absolutely no deception The severe and nenetiatmg look of the poll clerks, assumed for this occasion only, the diea.iv apueaiance of empty school benches, and the ghostly splash of white canvas behind which ©lectors may scratch out lines they don't intend to, all go to make the business of voting a trying ordeal A man is totftre fore with a suggestion He thinks there should be a musical ballot-box, 1 ,on the principle of a pennv-in-the-slot niaohine. He also thinks that poll clerks should rehearse a smile or two for polling occasions and that the screens might be covered with coloured scraps and photographs of candidates The last as a guide to lady voters, of course Refreshments might be provided by a ' tarpaulin muster" of the whole of the candidates which system woukl at or-ee dispose of any accusation of bnbeiA T * * * The dreadful parched feeling worries a great many estimable citizens more than the meagre size of their assets, In a Dunedm'Couitthe other da" a prohibited person appeared before the mag'Strate. He was a clean, decent old chap with white whiskers and a subdued air What did he want? Well, would His Worship kindly cancel his prohibition order for one day as it was his silverwedding day "Be kind, sir. and let me have a few drinks ins-t for this once " he said. But, with a srrim smile, the "beak" waved to a blue-coated minion and the minion showed him out into a world in which theie were no lavs of sunshine.

That meeting between Piet ajid Chnstian Dp Wet in London, must Juwe been a uueer one. It will be lemem-bea-ed that Piet surrendered early in t lit" wai, and was instrumental in raising the Native Burgher Corps. Christian called him a traitor while in London, and the two had a set-to at fisticuffs The great general was no match for the ex-Oxford scholar and middle-weipht champion of hit, college, and the ereat Boer lawyer Piet, got all ovei" his brother. Somehow, traitor or no traitoi Mr Piet w on't have a big legal practice among his ex-friends m Afrioa ; but if Christian liked to "swat" Uw , he could even wipe out Advocate George Hutchison "on the Rand. , *♦ ' * Unselfishness may be a chaiactenstie of New Zealanders, but a tale told bv a boarding-house keeper, not ten minutes' iva ! h, from the Quay, points to the fact that they aae not all built that way A gentleman from the Bush District, who is going in for citv-hfe, recently came into tow u . So did his wife and six children. They wandered round, as usual, looking for beds. Hotels full, also the boarding-houses full too. At last, he appealed very strongly to the board-ing-house lady who tells us the story"But " she said, "I've only one vacant room in the house, and that's- got only one bed in." "Oh, that'll do," he replied, "we're used to roughing it up oui way. The missus and the kids will malke a 'shakedown' on the floor." Truly, truth is a heap stranger than a yellowback. • * * A quaint liappening at a Wairarapa concert The champion reciter of the, tow nship was giving the "Sick Stockrider " He was dressed to kill m the costume that a stockman always wears — in books written in London — red shirt, slouch hat, and top-boots. He was just moaning out, "I care not now to tarr^ for the corn or for the oil," when the firebell rang. Ten seconds later, a bootless fireman rushed -on to the platform, and, in a hoarse whisper, cried "Say Bill, off with the boots, I've got to go to the fire !" and the sight of a champion reciter taking off a pair of stockrider's boots before a big audience was just as good fun as the fire, which consumed several pounds of soot in a near-by chimney. 'I have listened to the tarnny-thr-oat-ed nightingale pouring forth its soul ' abroad in such eostacy ! I have heard the blackbird make the air reverberate with passionate love sons to his mate, I have drunk in the liquid notes of the thrush and I have stood transfixed at the delicious melody of the; skylark, but Madame has assimilated the 'unpremeditated ait' of that glorious quartet and towers above all living things as the queem of song." These are not Porirua v.ipou ring's or the verbal hallucinations of a mind diseased They are the alleged sober opinions of a Melba critic. It is supposed that the gentleman was paid for it

Mr. Gilkison, who was recently defeated for the Tuapeka seat by Mr. Bennet, had for a chairman at one of his meetings a benevoFent, white-haired patriarch, who seemed an ideally neutral looking chairman. After the candidate had concluded he rose to his feet, and throwing a look of mingled anger and contempt at the politician, he began "There be some fellers what ain't fit to clean Dick Seddon's boots a® are soina . aroxind the country now a-hitting of the old man behind 'is back. But we ain't agoin' to have it here. (Loud cheers.) No, not while I'm about." Then, cast a furious look at the candidate, "If there's anyone 'as °"ot anvthmk to sary against the old 'un let Mm stand before me now and «ay it." And nobody accepting his challenge, he sat down, still glaring at the candidate • « i Up to now, there has been only one fine inflicted for throwing election, egrcr.s. A wretched boy in Auckland paid 10s m to court for this amusement. Lengtln evidence proved that the egg was fresh. The boy could have thrown a bad one for the same price. He heard a call from out the skies A call distmct and clear : He heard a summons to arise From slothful dulnees here. He heard a call to rise and show The way to nobler things, To mount in glory from below. On Fame's wide-spreading wings — And, waking then with manyavann And many a drowsy blink, He heard his wife say ' Get up, John The baby wants a drink '" • • • The Northern candidate who said that w hat w e wanted was "bone and muscle born and bred at home " a week or so ago, was the strongest advocate the country has heard on the question of bonuses for laige families. This country could never thrive as Providence meant it to thrive unless the Government took steps to help along the Dining birth rate. ' Mr. Chairman, mieht I ask the candidate if he is a married man c " asked an elector amid a deathly silence. "Well — er, no , I'm not — exactly." he said blushfully and that is one of the reasons among many why he i<= not likely to eive his ideas on the wa\ to populate a country before tho "House." A dog. in the town of Cologne Absent-miaidedlv snapped at a bogne B>ut the misguided brute Had just grabbed his own foot. So the bone that he snapped was his ogne. • * ¥■ The Oamaru City Council saw ruin ahead of the town if no-license was carried. The mayor went to the pro-elec-tion meeting; of his oquhcil with a return, snowing an anticipated deficit of £1000 in the event of no-licetnse being carried. Several councillors' entered a ■protest against such a return being brought down at such a laite hour And. now that Oamaru is still ablb to irrigate alooholioalh for another three years, Oamaruvians will have no deficit apparently .

Pi and parents, with new babies when tliev advertise their acquisition m the birth column of the papers, usually receive, shall --Re say, suggestions, from watchful tradesmen. Then, the world seems full of rings, rattle®, bottks gocarts, and perambulatorsi, to say nothing of more intimate commodities. But, some tradesmen are even more watchful. A cler-vman has had a request for an advance list of the people about to be married at the church. The request is backed up bv the statement that other clergymen give him the information demanded. Perhaps, the poverty of the clergy may be mitigated by occasional employment as ''town travellers." * • ♦ A Wellington parent, of apparently severe virtue, hearing his three sons wrangling over a small question, on which they -were betting, preached them a, homily on the evils of gambling. "Gambling is an invention of the devil diesigned to rum the young, and bring the grey hairs of parents down with sorrow to the grave. Avoid the racecourse as you would a serpent," he said. Hea,ted with his oratorical efforts, Pa die>w his large' silk handkerchief from his coat pocket, and with it a dozen totahsator tickets fluttered to the ground. "How these beastly cigarette cards do accumulate '" was all he said, but the laugh was against him. A week a^o there w as only about one hotel in town without a cash register. Xow they have one It happened this way. About 11.30 (counter-lunch time ye ken) on the day in Question, one of Wellington best-known gentlemen of leisure floated in to the bar and requested the Hebe to pull him what lie calls a long 'un. The maiden fair, busy as she was quickly pulled the foaming liquor, and handed it over with the result that, as far as can be ascertained, the gientleman has now a sum of £4 10s hidden in him. Hebe kept her gold in that glass, and didn't notice in her hurry its weight. The gentleman is richer than he has ever been before, but he does not know how to draw on it. Madame Melba is not an Australian after all. Perusing an American paper, we find that she was born at Chicago, and sung for dimes at the age of three, and that an American millionaire heard her at it, and gave her the tip" to become a rival dollar-maker. As the paper, in which the picture of Madame^s birthplace appeal's, is one of the most reputable journals in the New York State, it is obvious that it could not deviate from the lily-white path of Puritan rectitude if it tried. Curious that Australians cannot come to New Zealand, or New Zealanders go to Australia, to look for employment without having motions over it. Australian shearers, who left their own country ait the tme of the shearing sittrike, to come here, are shearing in Hawke's Bay and elsewhere at present. New Zealanders do not like it. Why? New Zealand shearers, including Maoris, go to Australia when work is slack here, aoid Australians resent it bitterly. It ■seems- to an outsider, that am employer should have the liberty of employing any men who can do his work properly.

The subject of shearer' quarrels reoals an incident that happened in South Australia xn the early nineties. Kapa\\anta with 100,000 fleeces to sheaa , bad a mix;ed crowd of hands. Tliere were many Maoris amongst them, and IJiki, a stalwart Taranaki natave, was am easy "ringer." The man next to him an? the ''board" was an Australian, and he seethed with hate at the "blackfellow" who oould shear a great deal faster and better than he could. They were shearing: from the i same pen and there is always a fearful rush for the "cobbler," or the last sheep in the nen. It happened that Hiki and the Australian finished their last sheep simultaneously. There was still the "cobbler" left • — - -- ~'.— m Both rushed for it, and Hiki got its hind leg first. The jealous Australian closed liis shears, and drove them, un tp tße "bow," into Hiki. Hikis last words as he faced round and drove his own blade through the "gumsuoker," were KMe die, you die too 1" and they both did cross the Divide ultimately. Kapawanta shears now-a-days without New ZoaJaad help. Why there should be suoh- fitter in4e*-ee4on*a4 j©»lg«sv is hard to understand. !'•/'.•'- -; • 'f* ."V "Perfectly -marvellous the* anxiety 'tot* a great many people in New Zealand to cast out the* devil of drink. Scenes of <- terrific enthusiasm have taken place in many spots, and prohibition lecturers' ' have had good tunes. One very successful lecturer, who was-jtendeowL a, little "?oeiaP in a tqjvn thait nearly drove out i^ie" "cursed drink," enjoyed himself immensely One beaming enthusiast, in among the crowd asked the chairman if it was in order for a few sincere admirers of the lectured- to riiaka j him a presentation. The chairman -sa^d ■' "Yes." • * • -With draan-atic effect, the sincere-ad— k mirergot on the platform, and, in a neat little speech, asked the gentleman to accept a present of a silver whislcv flask This might be regarded as a joke if it had not transpired that the flask had been purchased at a pawnshop, and boie the engraved name of the~ noted prohibitionist thereon ' It was

pretty mean to seek to destroy the reputation of a man whose last lapse was ten years ago. a-nd it mat red the success of an otherwise joyous occasion. We have been favoured with a yi&it this week from one of the &arvivois of the Elmgamite disaster. Mr. Bradford, assistant librarian at the Sydney School of Arts, s^ved up his codn fpr five yeans, with the intention of coming! to Jfew Zealand, to have a real good holiday. , He came — some of tihe way — in the Eimgamite. Mr. Bradford is a young man with new skm on has nose, and a face that -shows that pulling hard on a raft fpr, some hours, and threedays' exposure on, a rock,, aie not a$ soothing to the .complexion^ as pearl cream. He was going to have a bio* biking tour through, this country if his bike hadn't gone down to the vasty deep, and he li«d beoii made an honoiary member of the New Zealand CVelists' Totirir.g Club Mi" Bradford refuses to recapitulate pieced of ancient history about the Elingarmte, but 'he tells, us severrl things that are not history yet For instance . he was a passenger on the raft that did not drift out to sea, and he'aavs he was dis/gjbsted . by? , the selfishness which the majority of its oc-cupants-showed. Wlien their raft ' was in the" water, they \\ ere within easy distance of the othei ill-fated raft which subseouentlv lost half its people by starvation. The Bradford raft had. OTgjhfe peoplw, tl^e ill-fated one*iiLae-tee«., - Tt was "wltih-' t grea't difficulty t>hat men~. on the lightly laden one could be induced to take on three of the other passengers. They refused, Mr. Bradford says, to take on the fore-cab n stewardess. ' '"Ftfey didn't "wajlt any wonjieu on Board." As "thei*e was plenty" of room, the uttep selfishness of this cond^gt $an be iudjred. Some of them, says Mr. Bradford, expressed satisfaction, on landing at the "Kings," that they had not taken aboard the lady who subsequently perished ' 'X..■ . V > ' Touching those Austrian? who pushed through the crowd to got on the boats Mr Bradford said that if am one colonial

or Austrian- — woman, 1 , man, or child — wanted to get aboard a boait they had to shove hard, and the selfishness was not all on. one side. The Sydneyite's first cable on his arrival at Auckland was from the chairman' Of the School of Arts' Committee. They asked him to "wire requirements." 'Also, they flew the school's flag in -joy at his safety. It seems just a fluke that Mr. Bradford w as saved, for he was late to lfeaye, having gone down below, to get Jiis slippers.. ,Jle dived off, and swam, to the raft. He. smiles at the- published yarns 1 of some of the survivors, and really does not know if they are heroes 6r no 'but he does not make #hv , ibojießi about sayin- that Captain, Attwood,- the sktpp"er, was far and away the coolest man in,' the crowd. , Mr. Bradford, who is. in- Wellington for a- few days, says- that- the kindness of the New Zealand people has astonished him. » ', * i * - ' A person 1 , who is evidently a stranger to ,this city and j;ts suburbs assumed a pale look outside i a chemist's shop in Bdddiford-street, and went in anji said lie had a fearful tearing pam inside. Would the drug gentleman give hini a drop of — winking the other eye — you know 9 The chemist asked him why he did not go -to the hotel to get Miis — you know. "Why " lie said, "I thought you had prohibition in Newtown!" Andwhen the poor feilqw found that ..the hotels Mould be open for Quite a. while yet, the radiance that broke o-wer .his paint-racked countenance was a theme for a poet * * A '* There is a French gentleman,, who has recently come to New Zealand' as a wine expert. He is learning English from a Wellington teacher., {/. The; teacher remarks that he gaw vMofnsieur a simple lesson in pronunciation, the other day. This was the sentence"- "The rough cough and luccough'©iwigh me through." The teacher told hnj^tih,© first word was pronounced ruff. BW^thea-eupon said this — < => >UJ "The ruff cuff and hicdfcffi pluff me thruff." "No, no . the second w,ord is pronounced 'koff.' " ' ' , •'Then." said the Frenchman, "it mttftj

be-the soft cdff aadrßioooffploff me iHe despairs of learning "Jthose language.* J' v _ >'i , ,f.;- *. .^_. , ' The Japaaiese, in' reading a^ newspaper pominsiKje at the boUo©. ' This ii L thcwiflto a> thrilling story before- . T i&lmd <wi.it.aJl ends ia.'piUfi^id powders ; > ■» ;-