EN0RE NOUS

Free Lance, Volume III, Issue 124, 15 November 1902, Page 14

ENORE NOUS

REV John Gibb, Moderator of the Presbyterian Church of New Zealand, when he is in full "fig" might easily be mistaken for an Archbishop, or anyone else on the toomost rung of the clerical ladder. His costume is finished, by Lace sleeves, peeping out from under the cloth and falling over his fingers. Also, he wears a frilled lace front, silk knee breeches, amid buckled, patent-leather boots. He is in Wellington just nov. attending the General Assembly of his Church, but popular rammour says that his costume is not. Much anxiety 1© said to. have existed amongst the friends of the Moderator when, on his arrival bv the Southern boat, he failed to find the portmanteau containing the uniform of has high office It would be extremely hard lines for a general to turn up on parade in the uniform of a subaltern, but it is harder still for a Moderator to have to preside over an Assembly in a suit that a mere curate might wear. # *■ * The latest scientific theory about the Location of the Garden of Eden, is that it was situated in Australia. Somehow, the picture of Adam, and Eve, surrounded by kangaroos, wallabies, and oipossums being tempted by the only native fruit of importance known to Droughtland, am exceedingly hard and insipid berry called "quondong" knocks the romance out of the amcient story. The denizens of the dress circle do not see all the fun at a theatre. The pit gets its share. There are some tolerably pushing youngsters in Wellington and two of them saw the "Runaway Girl" the other night. How they got into the pit remains a mystery. Once in however, they commenced to run over the shoulders of the people and fairly got over the barrier. "Look out, here is the 'copper' coming'" cried one pittite, and the boys scurried right ahead into the stalls. Then, they were like lest dheap. Someone, not a "corner " followed them ut>, and pohtelv showed

them into two of the best seats in the house. Then the boys revelled. We noticed those bo-s coming out of the Opera House and the last we sa.w ot them they were evadme a tram ~uard and having a fine free ride Those boys enjoyed themselves better than an-per-son mthe boxes, you may depend, Die's knew their way about. * * * As evidence of the possession ot wealth, you are expected to co to Rotorua if you have a shooting pain in your leg, or a "crick" in your neck. Also, you must taike your family. It is the family in fact, that suggests it. Brown, who gets £100 a year less than you can go to get his rheumatism washed away. Whvnotyou? A propos, two Wellington men met m the Rotoirua Sanatorium a fortnierht ago. t One protested that his wife had driven halm there against hds wish, merely because tone Pearsons were there. He oould not aiffoa-d to ia,unt thuslv The other man remarked' till at his wife had nested on eoing: to Rotarua because the Robinsons were there. "Well I'll be hanered'" said cm<e "mv name is Pearson. "And mane " replied the other, "is Robinson." Them they cut down expenses by raising the revenue a.t the neighbouring hotel. * • * I find no trouble in kissing girls Of three and thirty-three But bndgiroq; the chasm between the two Is the hardest part for me * * * A Waiiairapa gentleman, who has been unfortunate) in marrying short-lived women, was recently united in wedlock foi the fourth time There was a dnstanguished company including children of the thiee earlier wives, to witness the ceremony. All w as going well until violent sobs began to be heard issuing from a corner of the church. One of the enests turned to a younit; lady sittni" besade her, and m a voice "of dee-pest sympathy, inquired "Who is that lady who is crying so bitterly?" # The young lady appealed to did not seem to be able to speak as to the sorrowing one's identity, but one of the children of the bridegroom came to the rescue Apparently she was enjoying the situation and, with a face suffused with smiles, she said as she cave her head an indignant little toss "Oh it's only Martha, ooir housekeeper. She always blubbers when papa, gets married " Still Martha lives in hopes.

A curious asoect of the prohibition question in Clutha is that, although e\ eryone outiSide the district believes emphatically that perjury, sly-gro"" selling, and. so on are rampant and the evils of prohibition are many, the neople of weight m the community do not agree with them. Just recently, the two doctors, two lawyers, and all the leading business men and citizens sicm<?d a paper setting forth a statement that under prohibition the was better and more prosperous than ever before. Perhaps, those people are misled. Anyhow that is what they believe, and they have a right to say so. * * ♦ In le-printing a yarn told by Harry Furmess, sixty-five papers in New Zealand insist on calling him the "wellknown English litterateur. One Dunedin paper, out of sixty-six throughout the colony, erves him his proper title of artist Of course, the great black and white man writes, but it is usually "guff" wherewith to lubricate his mctures. If he was to hear that New Zealand people placed his literary attributes on top and forgot to mention that he was not a bad hand at a sketch ami generally required £1 a line, or more, he would get even bv caricaturing Dick Seddon, or something dreadful like that. • « * Councillor Winder is entitled to the thanks of every resident and well-wisher of Welknprtoin for the steps he is taking to get the Council committed to the f orniiatiion of an esplanade, and the erection of a band rotunda, at Oriental Bay. It has always been a favourite resort of the people of Wellington, but very little has been done so far to improve and beautify it. Councillor Winder's scheme is just what is needed, and would cost but a trifle in comparison with the resultant advantages. His idea is to build a sea-wall about two fecit above the level of the footpath round the bay, and to widen tlhe present roadway out to about one hundred feet, leavine a small portion of the beach, for the children still to amuse themselves on, and provide step® for easy access to it. This, with the" erection of ai band rotunda and a few seats 1 , woiuld make Oriental Bay still more popular, and the citizens would be furnished with an attractive esplanade at either extremity of the city. In these brick and mortar days, tooi little attention is paid to beautify in c the city, and promoting the amenities of life for the -people. We trust Councillor Winder will persevere with Ms admirable project . A Waikato coincidence. A settler's ■n if e presented her lord with twins. On the same daiv one of the settler's! cows was the mother of twin calves, while a mare on the same farm added two simultaneous foals to the horse population. Mr. Seddon, eierhteen months' ago patbeticaly asked why the population of the Waikato was decreasing. Waikato felt the sting of King Dick's remarks, evidently.

Th© Missions to Seamen people have a "time" that would be hard to beat when tfhey are out for the day. The Botanical Gardens was a scene of the greatest hilarity on Monday last. What struck one' was the terrific vigour put into the games. For instance, one race was usually run, ,at least six times, and every competitor seemed to win it about twice, until a protest was entered. But, sai'loirs do not. mrad work, bless you. Some of the seamen were not married', apparently. When they took their boots off to win races, their socks cried this faot out with open mouths. * » ♦ That race whereon they had to "^el" off most of their clothe® was worth a whole programme full of professional sports. When the competitors came back for their clotihes, they were usually distributed amop? the crowd, and Jack would find his jumper here, his overalls elsewhere but his socks always handy. How nice to be Mr. Moore, the Missioner. He was the only man in one particular crame 1 of "Kiss-in-the-rinc." and a ejreat many ladies were using; him a& a target. * * • Of course Mr. Moore can run, buit he was evidently tared. Anyhow, the ladies could run faster. There was a large, healthy picnic afterwards, and then one was astonished to see the number of children who claimed to have been competitors, or sons of sailors, and it was a treat to notice that there was no pressing need to gather up the basketfuls that, did not remain. If wan/t to see sport, yon should endeavour to be at the next annual outing. • • * * You will notice in the "Cricket Gossip," in this issue that a line reads, "Barber got in." We wonder if this is a, good omen for the elections. * * » It has never been our unhappy lot to observe oandida/tes for Parliament performing the allegedly common lot of kissing children during the campaign. It is hard to believe that there is any truth in the allegation. One Lyttelton man is perturbed. He writes . "Can you inform, me whether there is any provision in the Electoral Acts against political candidates kissing babies? It seems to me that the influence of the political candidate as a probable nropagator of whooping cough, measles, and scarlet fever has not been proper!^ considered." Mothers' of infanta are said to be complaining of tlhe same obnoxious habit in at least one Otaigo electorate. We refuse to believe that any candidate in New Zealand is kissing himself towards a seat in the Lecislature. * » » De Wet. is in South Africa again. He ie going to settle down on that farm of his near Taagoschspruit. He will have to pay taxes — if the authorities can oaipture him.

There are two Johnnies m a large drapery emporium in this city who aire regretting a little joke they played the other day upon a New town man The latter is particularly sweet on one of the shop-girls, and in the afternoon rang up tine establishment and asked if he could speak to her. It so happened it was one of t/he Johnnies who went to tue instrument, and by a bit of mimicry, had no difficulty in making the other believe it was the girl herself who was answering. Then the message oame through that he, the Newtown man, would be glad if she would accompany him to a function to eventuatei that evening, and suggesting a tune and place of meeting. An affirmative amd gushing reply was gjve.ii bv the mimic, and then ho ran^ off. The occond John ay was taken into confidence and the two decided to repair to the spot, and see who the wooer was, and how he would take his diccomfifcure. • « * In due course, both were on the scene, and soon after there happened alon^ a young man of strong and athletic build, and dressed to kill. He was a neddrn^ acquaintance a.nd, after an exchange of "How-d'ye,do's " they let him into the joke. The athletic man smiled. "Capital," he said, and invited them to iodn him m a glass on the head of it. The "pub" was near by, and the athletic man selected a large and vacant room. "Now " he said, as he locked the door, and took off his hat and coat "I'm the man you fooled. I'll take you ore at a time, or both together." Five minutes after. theTe emirered three individuals' — the first, a little excited but fre^h as a daisy the second and third hwn as wet rags, and with faces like maps of the world, with British possessions marked conspicuously m red Some people are fond of striking an original keiy Sometimes they believe in the' music madei, and sometimes they reach out for effect. For instance, Mr. Mania, a olerfryman up Eltham way, remarked in xuie pulpit recently that a man at an oipen-aar meeting had saad that 'the man who invented gas had done as much for humanity as Jesus Christ. Another man at the samei meetme remarked "If I was dying I would send for a minister." This is where Mr. Mann comes in "It is logical to suppose that if my friend were dying he would send for the gasfitter." We can imagine our grandfathers' horror at a parson daring to joke thus. In the present elections the referendum is a very hor.dy hedge for candidates to got behind who are troubled with awkward questions. We find by exchanges thrjt dl over the colony it is trotted out rahgiously in answe? to queries that involve some votes The reply is almost stereotyned, and is something like the following — "Tbe matter is one which I am strongly of opimo l ought to be decided by the referendum, amd if that course is adopted, I will support the question if the vote is favourable." It'is a safe hedge all right. Whale an excursion tram was on a down-grade, near Porirua, last Monday, a passenger lost his hat. Only temporarily, however He strolled to the rear of the train, hopped off, and collected his heade-eair It says something for New Zealand trains that, although the passenger was able to save his hat that it was eitiher impossible to overtake tftie train again or he was tired

To look at him playmg bowls, so spry, on the Nero town green, one would not thank that Mi. H. J. Underwood had been a resident of Wellington for forty years. But he 1 has, and he used his opportunities, first as a cabinetmaker, and then as a, builder, to such advantage, that he is able now to enjoy retirement into take-it-easy life. Jn fact, so easy can he take life now-a-days tihat he has made two round-the-world tours within the past six years Last week he and his wife and th-eir son and daughter returned from a trip abroad, which took them through no fewer than fifteen different countries. They found no difficulty as to the language question, for Mr. Underwood was well provided with thait universal Volapuk — moraeiv whicth ffets everything everywhere •* * » The most exciting exnenence the Underwoods had was during the overland journey from Montreal to New York. The train passed a Canadian viLlage in which there were 1600 cases of small-pox. And the New Zealandeirs thought it better to be safe than sorry, so they were vaccinated Mr, Underwood saw several of the Austrarlian team's cricket matches at Home, including the final test and, whilst talking with people* m the British crowds, he gathered that they considered Victor Trunroer to be the best batsman in the world. He did not see a bowl in Canada or the United States, and he does not thank bowling is as popular at Home as it is in the colonies

There is a story emanating from Signor Bragato published elsewhere in this issue, dealing with a farmer who was mr toxicaited with the fumes of wme, and w ho was bobbed. up and down in the atmospheiie by the fore© of thei escaping wine. It sounds tall. But, there is an occurrence that happened within our own memory and experience. In Mildura (Victoria" 1 the nlaoe which Lord and Lady Ramfurly aire now visiting, the wea-ther is always exceedingly hot. Unless wine is kept below a temperature of 9f degrees or thereabouts, it changes to vinegar. Poking the bubbling liquid with a stick will keep the temperature dow n if the cellar is hot. • • * In the particular wine-cellar under notice was employed a Scotch B.A. and prohibitionist who had taken to the life of vigneron for his health's sake. He abhorred alcohol. One night, when a 5000 gallon vat was fizzing ominously, and threatening to turn to vinegar, the B.A. was turned on by the French expert with a stick to keep the temperature down. He mounted a ladder, stick in hand singing a Sankey h^mn. He poked for ten minutes. "Caller Herrin' " was his niext song, and he held on to the side of the vat with one hand to get the too note. Later, more song, and less poke. A selection of Scotch songs then followed, and, as the fumes mounted into his* head he burst forth into "Drinking ' — Dei-ringing — Delinking'" * # * Then, he forsook his post, and went orut looking for fight. That peaceful oiti-

Zen and exemplary scholar reduced a farmer to tatters, pulled a policeman off his horse, wenit down the main street of the town singing a song the publication of which had been forbidden, and wound up in the watch-house. He was arraigned before the Magistrate's Court next day for being drunk and disorderly, resistiniK the police and for assault and battery, and, in a dazed condition, paid £5 10s fines and damages. For a man who has never tasted alcohol this, is a good record. ■* * ♦ Sprinkle, sprinkle, liquid tar, Where they ply the motor-car ; Scientific persons trust It's the thing to lay the dust. When the traveller from afar Travels where they don't use tar, He is quickly overcome If they do not sprinkle some. But it seems a tarry spra^ Turns the dust to blameless day ; Wherefore let the powers that are Sprinkle, sprinkle, liquid tar ' ♦ ♦ • The Chinese regard the journey across the Styx as an expensive trip. One of the coffins in the Ventnor contained £1000, wherewith to bribe Charon, or whoever is in charge. Such a sum would provide' for the passenger luxurdouslv. and a separate place in the illfated boat was acsigned to the defunct mandarin.