ENTER NOUS

Free Lance, Volume III, Issue 122, 1 November 1902, Page 14

ENTER NOUS

CAPTAIN Edwin turned on the best weather he had in stock tor the return of King Dick on Wednesday to the loved land of his adoption. As the town clock chimed the hour of threo, the Tutanekai, bringing its precious freight, hitohed up to the Queen's Wharf, consorted by the Ducheos, with the brilliant intellects of the Liberal and Labour Federation on board. A small, rope enclosure was set apart as a sacred reserve for the mighty Ministers and other distinguished people who either lead society and control the destinies of tihese islands. Also, there loomed up a magisterial figure, in his ermine-tipped robes, His Worship th<? Mayor, with the town clerk, bewigged and begowned, viewing the scene in an ununpassdoned w ay * * * Among the ardent patriots on board the Tutanekai were to be seen Dr. Teare, Mr. "Misisioner" Moore, and Mr. "Willie" McLaughlm, and Mr. C M. Luke, a candidate for Newtown, got the drop on all other candidates by being very much to the fore on the Tutanekai. Then, too, "Charlie" Burgess, the Premier's faithful old West Coast messenger, must not be forgotten On the wharf, unmoved by the tremendous things eventuating, were the Hone. Hall- Jones, Mills, and Duncan, who were there to warmly receive tlheir dhief, who was accompanied by Sir Joaeiph. Ward. Also, there were on tlw wharf Lady Ward and Mr. Justice Edwards. King Richard descended the eangway, and a shout went up that would have touched the heart of a Wellington landlord. Then, there was an interval for hand-shaking and general salutations. Mr. Hey wood, Undersecretary to the Treasury, came in for notice among the rest, and has face broke into reassuring smiles as thie Premier asked jollily "Is the Treasury all risrht Heywood p " in a voice in which there were no traces of anxiety. » ♦ • Then, he went aboard again and said things. He thanked the Mayor, and was clad to get back to dear old New Zealand. He had seen many places, and many Deople, but nothinf to compare with New Zealand, which was an earthly paradise. His heart yearnod towards the little isles. His welcome established another strong claim of the people to the best servicos he could render to them and he would faithfully serve them

So the canard that he is sailing in May receives, its death thiust 1 He had not been anxious while he was away and he therefore entered into the business of the Imperial Conference w ith unconcern Then, the crowd thieeeheereid him, and three-cheered Mrs beddon, and Tommy Wilford called foi a ouarteir-of-a-dozen for Colonel Portei Somebody as an afterthought mentioned the Coronation Contingent.. Colonel Porter, C.B , looked immense He seems to be in fairly good health and spirits, and carries his blushing honours with due humility. * * * Then, the crowd melted to its shops and offices, and hotels, the people muttered that "Dick looked no thinner and pointed out "Hardhasm, V.L., who iq now a captain, and the sun shone on the clear space thit had but a short time since throbbed to the glad huzzas of a delighted populace. Some people do not regard the position of M K.R. as ane of unmixed bliss. One storekeepmg gentleman of Inan^ahua, who was asked to leave his sugar for the sweets of office, says Having carefully considered the whole of the surrounding circumstances and should the electors have done me the honour to return me I can see nothma else before me but a turmoil of abuse, irritation, vexation ajrorravatian , agitation and damnation for a, period ot three veara as a reward for my labour. i therefore tender my most sincere thanks to all those kind friends who voluntarily nled-ed me their sunoort. and retire gracefully from the contest Of course, this is a one-man view but tell us, are there any more like this storekeeper resident in the colony i Citizens who long for the time when they may bike over the billiard-hke roads of Wellington without displacing tiheair auatomv may be seen daily gazing through the railings bounding the Ixovernment Buildings at the lovely new Neu.chate.l asphalt, with sadness m their hearts. You see, it is deemed to be necessary for that asphalt to keep it in good condition that it should be used, and so the Government Building enclosure was the spot chosen tor the experiment. Several carts and a carriage of so a day pass through those grounds, and it is a fair test. If the experiment had been tried in some holerv streets Where the traffic was or London frequency it would hardly do. What Wellington wants is ornament, not utility # It is. a curious thing that children suffenne from measles or other sickness must, attend school, or their parents are liable to be fined for their non-attend-ance If the- attend, and spread the disease, the school is closed, of course, but justice triumphs a.ll the same and the law is observed. Thus, 139 children, mo«=t of whom were siok, did not attend the Waneanui schools^ and the smart people' who hate to see education niealected, er>t fines imposed in almost all cases. The spirit of Bumbleism is stroncc in the land

One of Wellington's most respected and "solid" business men has been absent from his place of business for the past month. Influenza, of course. He is getting better now, and puts in his spare time in his suburban garder attnred in blue dungarees and an old hat, looking as unlike a thousand-a-year man as possible. During his absence, his manager has engaged a new office boy. The boy was sent up to the "boss's" house the other morning. He delivered his message to the housemaid, and returned through the gardens whistling "There'll be" a Hot Time," etc * » * '' My word, old bloke," he remarked to the amateur hardener, "you've got a sweet thing on there. If the boss seen you a loafing like that he'd give you the sack. He's the hardest case in Wellington. Get a bend on, there. So long 1" "Here," exclaimed the boss, and on. the boy comin^ back he plied him with questions. The boy disclosed the* alarming facts that his "boss" was by far the greatest shark in Wellington. That he robbed the widow and the fatherless, and certainly ought to be hanged, and so on. Now, the boy's parents want to know how he came to get the "sack " The singular fact that the boat containing a cargo of deceased Chinamen foundered off Hokianga, is another instance of "Chinaman's luck." A local gentleman, speaking on that subject' for popular joking, a "dead Chinaman," said that he interviewed a local John, who bemoaned the loss of his defunct friends, and the accident that delayed their admittance into Paradise. Asked what they would do about it, he> said thart the Chinese authorities would soare no expense to fish them out of the vasty deep, and start them for tihe pearly gates once more. Probably, they will imnort divers from the Empire of China, for there is something distinctly uncanny in diving for defunct Asiatics. - * * It is not generally known that the American President goes in for a systematic training to learn the art of handshaking. Rough-rider Roosevelt has an arrangement fixed up in his library corresponding to a horny hand fixed on springs, and the perfection to which he has brought his "grip" deters his subjects from undergoing a second dose of the " shakes." There are 80,000,000 of people in the United States who claim, under congressional law, the right to pump-handle the President, and the poor man protects himself by being able to crush the hand of his people in a grip that a monkey-wrench might envy. * * • One of the neatest modern methods of turning an honest penny is to call on a shopkeeper who runs the show by himself, and who has not got a telephone and tell him the police station is ringing him, ut> from Brown's, over the road. While he goea to Brown's, to tell the police it was not he, just slit> over his counter and annex his till. It is auite easy. That is what a person of annexing habits did the other day, in Auckland and the rvolice, who have not recovered the till yet, have a clue, the thing that they so frequently Capture, and which does not seem to be much good to the loser of the money.

The fifteen shillings-a-week office boys and others who were fortunate enough to hare friends who would boost them right up at one swoop into a lieutenancy in a Contingent, wiU feel a trifle superior with that £100 bonus awarded, them by the Imperial Government as a "clothing allowanoe." The nerson with no friends at court, who went into the ranks, also gets a clothing allowance all sufficient for his needs. It is 255. Also, the said clerks and others who were commissioned in the later Contingents, and who did no work, draw this £100, with the same facility of those who helped to break the back of their Boer brother. It may be right. It probably is. But, the average mind does not seem, to grasp, the rectitude of it. * * • You will admit that the system of "tipping" is all wrong. You feel that is is hard to part with the shilling yon lore to a railway porter who does half-ia-minute's work for you. But, Australia', in its retrenchment scheme, in the face of the notice boards announcing instant dismissal to porters who receive tine, announces that in future no salary will be paid to luggage porters. The said porters will subsist on tips, and, it being authorised, the life of railway passengeirs will be a burden. Also", the portmanteau belonging to a person who refuses to recognise the new order of thinars won't be much good' for anything except the scrap-heap. • • * Perhaps, he has done with prisons now , perhaps, not. Anyhow he is in Wellington now, a reformed man, and he tells about a capture. "It was smart," he said, "although we felt sore enough about it at the time. We were on a racecourse in Sydney. There were four of us all wanted by the police for a little job we'd brought off some time before. We were just discussing the next race, when a smartish young fellow walks up to us as cool as a cucumber, and knocks Bill the biggest of the party — head over heels. Then, without a word to us, he bolted as hard as he could. "We were precious soon after him, when Bill had picked himself up. We chasedthe fellow across the course, and saw him dive into a shed on the far side. "Through the door we rushes, rifht into the arms of a dozen policemen, who were waiting for us inside. The young fellow was a detective'" * * What shall we do with our boys? Why, make doctors of them, to be sure. One of the best lines on earth. Plenty of spare time, a motor car to ride about in, a skeleton in the cupboard, and a bell-topper. If the children of Wellington are not measley enough, or scarlet fever is not sufficiently prevalent, try Melbourne. They are always advertising for doctors in Melbourne. Here is one advertisement from the "Argus" : — "Applications are invited from duly qualified medical practitionr ers for the position of Junior Resident Surgeon in the Midwifery Department : salary at the rate of £25 per aimnm. Applications, with diplomas and testimoniala, to be sent in by Friday, October 3, at 10 o'clock." It is lust probable that this does not include board.

It occurred in a certain Wilhs-street establishment. There were two Nc« Centurj typewnteis in the room. One was m use, and the other was not The' young man sat down neai the one that was not in use, and watched the voun? woman who was busy with the othei Inadvertently, the young man touched the bell of the machine near him. whereupon the young woman yanked the cairiage of her machine back, and started a new line. The young man chuckled, and a minute later he touched the bell of the machine near him again The young woman started another new line. # The young man laughed, and tried it again, witJi equal success. "Willie'" called the young woman to the office bor, when she had taken the sheet out of the machane, "telephone to the tvr>ewriter people to send a man over her at once to fix this machine. It is all out of order, aoid I cannot, for the life ot me, see what is the matter." The vountf man laughed some more nuietly and then made his escwe. lie has not retarded. He is afraid to co back.

She wouLdn't beat the carpets. She wouldn't whip the cream, She wouldn't pound the beefsteak , Too oruel did it seem. She wouldn't strike the matches. She'd give hot tea no blows She'd make no hit at bakin°She wouldn't wnn? her clothes. She wouldn't cut a chicken. Or tihdnk of drowning oare She wouldn't smash potatoes. Or bans: heir golden hair. She wouldn't do all these things My tender-he air ted miss, And so she "smashed all records At downright laziness • ♦ •

A country paper throws out a gentle hint to the municipal authorities operating in the vicinity "A dead hen has been a prominent item of landscape in Main-street for the nast week Possibly the bird may have been of aristocratic birth, and gentle breeding. Even bo, she has been left not wisely, but too long on the street, and it is high time her obsequies were negotiated by the municipal authorities. The fowl of commerce is no doubt a very estimable branch of utilitarianism to cultivate and encourage but when left dead on the thoroughfare for upwards of seven days its presence is apt to pall and to grow too prominently monotonous. • ♦ • "It ia to be hoped, therefore, that those in power will take this hint into consideration, and the painfully obvious late hen to the bent kerosene tin and fractured bottle depository- It has been suggested that the fowl has been engaged all this time hatching a progressive policy for the Council, but this may safely be scorned as an invention of the enemy. Evidently the

community is too upright to steal the departed bird, and the only course left open is removal under municipal auspices." The bald-headed grumbler, of celibate habits, who has known no home other than a boardmcr-house all his life, is a common feature of our civilisation. He frequently orders the household, and if his chop is not done to a turn he will let the neighbourhood' know. One of this species, who was recently thrown adrift on an; unfriendly world, by the exodus of his landlady from the boarding-house industry after having amassed a fortune, descended on a house whose keeper was young, and fair, and smart. She simply refused to tremble at th© sight of him, or to treat him as a little god of

tan, o>r any other metal. He was hurt. One moirning recently, he got an omelette. There was flour in it. He knew it, and accused the boarding-house keeper of adulteration. "Do you think," he said, "that I have lived in boarding-houses forty years for nothing?" "I shouldn't be at all surprisedl" snapped she. And now they are friends.

In an. up-country township, there is an employer of labour who believes in his own soul that he is a Peabody or a Carnegie on a small scale. He Bays his hands about half-wages, and honestly thinks that they are all under a heaw obligation to him. They leave him directly they can get another iob at even the same money, and he is

struck dumb by their ingratitude. The sister of one of the employees, who had hitherto earned her own livelihood, became a confirmed invalid, and the brother left his lodgings and took a humble cottage as a home for the afflicted one. They are rubbing along osn thirty shillings a week, though the young fellow is honestN worth two pounds tern. Someone remarked to the employer that it was a generous act on the part of young Blank to support his sister. "He support her!" returned the philanthropist. "He doesn't su~-ort her. I find the money, don't I? Where does he get his wages from?"

Our "Personal Pars" last week oomKrised. some references to the career of It. John Murrell, until quite recently manager in New Zealand of the Huddart Parker Company. The reference* were all right, but one expression which was used is calculated to produce an entirely erroneous impression of the circumstances under which Mr. Murrell and the Huddart Parker folks parted company. It was said in the paragraph that "much sympathy was felt for ham when he was so abruptly put to one side by the Hudda/rt Parker Company." Now, this puts both Mr. Murrell and the company in an entirely false position. There is no sympathy needed. Mf. Murrell of his own motion, severed his connection! with tihe company, who perfectly well recognised that they had in him a first-class man, and one whose popularity was manifest from end to end of New Zealand. • * • He leaves the Huddart Parker Company after twenty-two years' service in the capacity of manager, and with, thedistinction of being their oldest servant, for he joined the company at tihe inception. When, they decided to eater into the New Zealand trade, Mr. Murrell was selected to control the enterprise at this end, and bis best monument is th© solid position he leaves it in today. The Huddart Parker Company realise that they have lost a sterling manager in Mr. Murrell, and the newlyestablished New Zealand and African Steam&hip Company comes in for a solid slice of luck in securing his services at the very launching of its enterprise.