Enter Nous

Free Lance, Volume III, Issue 120, 18 October 1902, Page 14

Enter Nous

LIEUTENANT Callaway, New Zealand's only small-pox patient, lias called upon us to deny the allegation, that 'he played puig-pong from mom to dewy eve" with the nurse on Mahanga's desert shore. The versatile half-oaste, who looks very fit indeed after his none weeks' imprisonment, lias three term® of service with New Zealand regiments, has boen wounded very severely, and is still as bright as a button. "Cal" will not go back to "that murderous country for a day or two." He says that at Elandsfoatein (a 1 unction between Johannesburg and Pretoria) he was chased by outlaws, who he in wait for unarmed soldiers with money. s As "Cal," before he took small-pox, could "break" ten seconds for the 100 yards no outlaw was likely to catch him A day previous to this adventure, another soldier was murdered for his money and it seems that lawlessness is rampant in. Boerland. It will be remembered that "Cal" was recommended for the D C M. for gallant conduct in the performance of which he got shot through the liver ?jnd lungs. He ha® not got that distinction vet however, and, as he is likely to be fit to nlay football again soon, it seems he will not ■want any pension. He may be looked upon as something of a marvel, tor he has beaten grim Death by a very short head twice. * » ♦ It is hard lines when people refuse to recognise the services of public men w ho have given practically the whole ot their life-time to the cause of freedom. A propos, Mr. Joseph Ivess,. unkindly known as the "rag-planter " is to stand for the Selwyn seat in the House of Representatives. He is stumping the country at present, and the injustice referred to is in the fact that only four persons in. that district went to hear an electioneering address by him. Now, Mr Ivess has planted some three-score papers in this country, and not long Lo he even went so far afield as New South Wales, where he intended to enlighten the Waters per daily literature. However, he decided to confine his operXns to New Zealand Mr. Ivess has been, in Parliament before and it is therefore considered likely that he will not be behind this year even though not more than four people at a time appreciate his efforts.

There are some marvellous wits up North. A gentleman, who frankly signs himself "Secretary of the Imoecile Association," wrote to the Waihi Borough Council, asking that several members of lias association should be allotted '•jobs" on the corporation water-works. He giddily remarked that many of the members of his association were capable ot carrying sihovels, and several of them had attained the requisite muscle to out tobacco during "smoke-oh." They would be willing, he further stated, to accept the prevailing "eisht bob a-day," providing always that they oould elect their own "gangers " It is a sad reflection that a Borough Council is obliged to read literary spindrift of this description » * * Anyhow , the hilarious communication was duly "fired," and Walter Phillips, who fills the mayoral chair in the Northern El Dorado, remarked that it was an ill wind that blew that kmd of thing his way. Of course, the intense humour of the thing is m the faot that Waiha, w>hioh has the makings of one of the finest cities in Australasia, has recently taken on itself the burden of self-administration, having cut itself adrift from "Granny" Paeroa The letter was the sender's idea of fun. It is unfortunate that a Borough Counoil has no power to nominate candidates for lunatic asylums, otherwise the senders of brilliant communications of tihis kind would receive tiheir due share of jackets without sleeves. • • * When a yacht's on a cruise The crew's on the yaclit . It may be old nuise, But, it's strange, is it nacht? * * * Dannevxrke seems to be the Mecca of "busted" mummers. The little town contaans about 2000 people, and during the last three weeks the deluge of talent has been fearful. Comedy, biograph, opera, and dramatic companies, with a threat from a circus oompany. All expect to get- the one hall, and a wild and woolly person, who wants to lecture, is also running around loose. Several shows have cleared tremendous sums one having a bank balance of 15s, and others, who have not done quite so well, are camped on the river-bank in tents, pursuing the wriggling eel for breakfast., and absorbing "Johnny oakes," cooked in the ashes, into tiheir systems for sustenance until city managers send urgent wires for them. Many have drifted into the "cow-spanking 3 industry, and are letting their whiskers grow to hide the genius that otherwise mieht "give tihean away," and still others are giving lessons in elocution to aspiring daughters of farmers in return for flour and mutton. It i® extremely unfortunate that some Thespians, hovering around Wellington, do not appreciate tihe health-giving qualities of "cowspanking."

There is a member of our Ilouse of Representatives who glories in a recherche vocabulary. If a word that he has not before heard crops up, he is bound to ring it in somewhere, no matter if it fits or no. During the dying hours of the session, a brother member used the term "cul-de-sac," and the hero of this paragraph rather liked it. "What does "cul-de-sac" mean?" he queried, leaning over his bench to get the ear of his next-door neighbour. "Why. a precipice, of course'" Then, the querist, who had by this prepared has oration, arose, and, among other things, said "And if the Government are only aware of it they stand trembling on the brink of a cul-de-sao, which may at any moment tonr>le over, and ~o crashing into the abyss below."

West Coasters are proverbially hardy. There is King Dick, far instance. But, let that pass. The latest from Kumara is thjait an aged woman, hunting for firewood stumbled into an old shaft, and, m falling, hung on to the timbering, but ultimately let go.. She later bobbed to the surface, and hung on for hailf-an-houir until rescued. The poor old soul's naals were worn to the quick when she was fished out, but she will get no V.C. * * * A piroipos, some years ago, in Hill End (N.S.W.), a boy of twelve, playing with companions on a disused claim, fell into a deep shaft He hung on to the timbering for some time, and then na>ture giving «ay, he fell for forty-eight feet. His boy mates, fearing to report (they were "playing the wag"), let his "body" remain there for a night and a day and, inquiries being made at the school by the father, led to the truth being found out. A miner was lowered down, and found the boy playing "five stones" at the bottom ' After his father had "given him a hiding" for playing truant, he was fed, and sent out to milk five cows for further punishment. These are facts that any old fossdcker in "Captain, Starlight's" coiaitirv will bear out. * * * The milk of human kindn-^ss is not altogether absent from the composition of tha sometimes despised "Chow." Johai is a persistent subscriber to charity, he always treats bis horses well, and the S.P.C.A. has rarely any need to send its inspectors to his stable®. This brings us down to remark that on Tuesday night last there was a "vivant" lying in tihe gutter in Aurora Tern-ace with his fair head pillowed in a pool. The usual white traveller passed -"• on the other side, and refused to take any notice of a person who should not have got drunk. Not so the John. He re>marked kindly that it was "welly wet and you must not lie there." The gentleman cursed nim for an interfering Chinaman, and relapsed into somnolence, and the puddle. Tho despised vegetable map, however, made his fallen brother rise, and the last thine we saw was an extremely unsteady Britisheir gently led homewards by a yellow Asiatic. Could not the police run thait Chinaman in for usurping a white man's privilege or something? It would be so extremely British.

When the funny man at the evening party enters the longest-word competition, he quotes a German or a Weteih word. It is strange that local nomenclature is not used on such occasions. The Lance is prepared to back a palm-of-your-hand-SDace area on the map of Hawke's Bay to supply more elonprated name-words toi the square inch than any similar space on the world's map. The Hawke's Ba.y country in question ließ on the East Coast, between Cape Turnagain on tlhe South and the mouth of the Porangrahau River on the North. At about the heart of that country, between the ooast and the town of Po>rangahau, stands an 890-feet mount which bears this ehampionsihip-takinpc twentry-seven-lettered name — Tamatauhakatangihangagoauau.

The Workmen's Compensation for Accidents Act is a real boon. According to common report, a Gisborne boardinghouse keeper made a claim on behalf of an employee wno had been damaged. The Gisborne town clerk said that the claimant had sustained a discoloured eye whale engaged in an unfriendly melee with another citizen, and that it was intended to make the claim good. It strikes us if £400 or so can be earned by coatraiotiLng a "black eye," that the Act's sphere of usefulness is yet in its infancy. An unfortunate mistake was made by a North Island bridegroom recently. After getting into the train winch was to take him and his spouse away on their honeymoon, he noticed a shoe lying on the floor of the carriage. Thinking one of his frieindis had thrown it there during the send-off, ho picked it up and flung it out of the window. A little later on he was surprised to see a commeircial traveller, who had awakened from a deep sleep, peering under the seats and on the top of the rack, and inquiring if anyone had seen a shoe which he had taken off to ease hia corns. Then, the bridegroom discovered his mistake, and the first purchase of his married life was a new pair of shoes for an absolute stranger. « » • According to a man who is no friend of ours, but a mere sinful creature who is to be avoided, there are several ways of notifying that a person is intoxicated. ' Well." he said, looking at the picture of Mrs. Harrison Lee on the wall for inspiration, "he is drunk, he is intoxicated, he is inebriated, he is tipsy, he is full, he's loaded, he is fuddled, he £3 tight, he is top-heavy, he is slewed, he is elevated, he is beery, he is winey, he is groggy, he is boozy, he is soaked, he is lushy, he is muggy, he is cock-eyed, he is muddled, he is jiggered, he is foggy, he is hazy, he is dizzy, he is dazed, he is ossified, he had a skin full, he is three sheets in the wind, he is on his beam-ends he is in his cups, he is in his pots, he is off his nut, ha , on a drunk, n* 1 is on a spree, he is on the ran-tan, ho is tanked , he couldn't navigate, he is screwed, he is podgy, he is swipey, he has been in the sun, he is "soshed " he has a whiisky cough, he is 1 dead to the world, he is shickered." And, then he prefered the usual request for a sixpence.

Many New Zealand pjpois> l^we ainthing that has a suspicion ot misiepiisentataon about it. The new journalism of the American type is becomnig gradually rooted in New Zealand. Oh, for a, free press, in winch one could say what one thinks, instead ot being cut down to mildness of the follow in <* type, culled from a "great" Wairarapa daily "The subsidised perjurer ot the nopoihcy' party in Carterton (to whom we have referred as the lineal descendant of Ananias and Sapphira — the 'Obsapphira' in fact) has a brother of no less hardened depravity in tlhe Gieytown paner, which seeks in emulation the notoriety conferred bv an unblushing falsehood." Imagine any paper in New Zealand being "subsidised" ' Young: lovers, w ho are pleased to dolly neiath the fair silver beams of Luna, will take notice that the moon is to be eclipsed to-night (Friday). Of course, this reminds us of a y?m. During the Queen's Jubilee festivities in London, a gentleman with a voice like a saw-doc-tor's shop, and a face like a brazen image stood on the corner of Blackfriar's Bridge, w-ith a huge telescope. It was about the time of the almost total eclipse of the planet Saturn. Curious thing about it was that anybody could take a peep through the big lens foi nothing, and could see moons, and stars, and all the rest of it absolutely gratis. There was a large clientell. We, ever on the look-out for a free show (the Press never pays) approached the machine, expecting to see the marvels at apparently close quarters. Gazing upwards, w° saw — not Saturn, but "Gorilla S^ap — won't wash clothes." We left, more in sorrow than in anger, and emigrated. • • ■/ You have to be very careful not to offend the dignity of the Courts in New Zealand. For instance, if you want to speak to a gentleman w ho is going to be a juryman, don't — if the Registrar is looking. Mr. Short, the auctioneer, whose son was in the unfortunate oosition referred to, was desirous of speaking to the lunman that was to be. That terrible official, the Registrar, frowned magisterially at him, and bade him desist, and Mr. Shortt, with commendable meekness, "rung off," saying, however, that he was under the impression one might speak to a juryman before he was sworn in. He looked appealingly at the Chief Justice, and Sir Robert, actually over-ruled the decision of the Registrar by giving Mr. Shortt permission to speak to his son, which is hard on official dignity don't you think p • ♦ • There is a certain well-known professor of elocution in Wellington to whom the husband of an ambitious wife and father of a stage-struck daughtei thus addressed himself, eatchin- hold of the professor's top buttonhole "Now 7 , look here, if, instead of teaching my daughter at half-a-crown a lesson how to let us know that "Curfew Shall Not Ring To-night," and that "We Hold Her Not," nor can, and so on with heart: endin/- but appropriate genuflexions — if you'll instruct her how to give on her vocal organs an exact and continuous imitation of the graveyard of a deaf and dumb asylum at the dead hour of midnight, I'll give you five pounds in cash and a pretty fair shot-gun, and recommend you to the rest, of the iongsuffering fathers in this city Tho profes^or'st answer is not recorded, but he probably closed on the bargain.

What are candidates for Parliament going to do about the employment of barmaads question? Obviously, the Canterbury people are convinced that it is a very serious matter. In fact, Miss Jessie Maokay, a member of tlhe Women's Association down there, is srying that "Any candidate) who hesitates to pledge himself on so obvious a matter of reform, plainly declares himself unfit to renresefnjt us in Parliament." And, between you and us, we think MiBS Macka.y is right. We might) well take a leaf out of the Yankees' book, and establish the beer industry on a business, not *>, social and flirting, basis, When this country is convinced that hotel bars are instituted purely and solely for tihe purpose of drinking, tfhe reforms in the "trade" -will commence. The compulsory removal of one of the chief attractions is one of the surest ways towards that reform. # ♦ • "English as> she is spoke" on the Continent, and especially as she is written in Italy, is delightfully refreshing when one has been used to the commonplace method adopted by the average Englishman. Father Ains worth, the Roman Catholic Rector of Newtown, has a careular, handed to him in Naples, printed in Italian, Spanish, German, and English. Mr. B. Fiorenza is the gentleman who issues the circular and this is how he writes in it : — "Excursion to Vesuvius by the new road, the only woho has the concession by the Government. The excursionists who whish to ascempt Vesuvius by Pompey are beged to address themselves to< the

well-known 'Office B. Fiorenza,' the only wohom is autorised by the Government. The price fors the excursion is of 15frcs, and they receive carnage horse and free passage through the new roud and not 21frcs as the other people ask for. Excoursionists may reach the central crater by the new roud not beeng obliged to have a panful hard walk on the cinders, or cutting lava for two long hours with declivity of important with." Them follow some hints as to direction, which, if followed, might take one dow n the crater of Vesuvius and up through the vent-hole of Hecla. It winds up by saying that everybody but Senor Fioreonza is a fraud, and that "because the realy one guide: are provided of a white cap." See Naples and die; read Neapolitan English and expire! * * * New Zealand is in everything. Some months ago that English "swell" publication, the "Pall Mall Magazine," offered prizes for reiadesrs who could supply most out of twelve questions upon the best pictures in this year's exhibition at the Royal Academy. The winner named nine' of the twelve popularlyohosien pictures, and there was a tie for the second prize, two eompetatoirs naming eight each. One of the two* was Mr. W. Leslie H. Morrison, of Auckland. * * » Mr. Hogg, M.H.R. whose pride i.<. is tlhait he has educated himself, was recently at the opening of the Kaituma school. He had some very terse, and, occasionally, picturesque things to say about latter-day advantages. To the school-children he said "Education was a big lofty building, and he trusted when they mounted the ladder in front, they would not stand still and be satisfied with looking; through the first row of windows. He wanted them to get as near the V as possible. They would be able, as they ascended, to peer into galleries wondrously interesting and beautiful. * • • "Once there were gates on the ladder — toll gates that effectually barred the pathway to all but the sons and daughters of a privileged few. When he was a young lad he could not enter the high school, because his parents could not afford it, and he used to look with a feeling of awe and wonder at the University students going to and from their classes dressed in red cloaks and with square/ hats, that made them look very much like the organ-grinder's monkey." Mr. Hogg might have added that the ohildre<n should imitate the monkey on the stick, climbing higher as the Education Department pulled the string.