Afternoon Tea Gossip

Free Lance, Volume III, Issue 118, 4 October 1902, Page 6

Afternoon Tea Gossip

By Little Miss Muffitt.

Some Australian papers, who get hold of a sprat vainly imagining that it is a whale, are too absurdly funny. One paper says that Sir Robert Stout, C.J., is going into polities again, "because the people are sick of the mismanagement of affairs by the present Government." I wonder who has performed the vulgar operation of "pulling the leg" of thait paper ? * * * Prohibitionists are feeling weary ]ust at present. They want to know if a lozenge can be considered alcoholic drink within the meaning of the Act People who have hitherto distended themselves uncomfortably can now become royally paralysed while sitting in the theatre, or the church for that matter. The Yankees are putting up tabloids representing every kind of stimulant. Beware of the cough lozenge. It may be condensed champagne, or solid whisky A confectioner^ business will be as good a line as a hotel shortly. I did not notice any Alcoholic Tablet Restriction Bill among the "slaughtered innocents." Whv 9 * * * Our Mayor (Mr. Aitken) is not altogether in favour of laying street dust with petroleum He thinks ladies' dresses are not sufficiently brief for oilbestrewn streets. Ido not remember to have seen any Wellington woman trapezing across our lovely roads with her fashionable skirt sweeping the mud and, anyhow the oil (when it comes) won't be sprinkled on our numerous crossings, will it? Perhaps, it is intended to oil the footpaths, too. in which case the Mayor's fear for the future of our dresses may be well grounded. If Mr Aitken only knew it the excessive length of the modern skirt is devised solely for the possibilities it gives the ladies of "hoisting" it cracefully.

Madame Melb.i is not going to sine; a note clunng "Cup week." She is> going to see verything that is to he seen, and it is just liUeb she may speculate a tew thousands or so The VRC is not trying; to dissuade Madame from going to the races. Why" How many thousands will the great songstress put into the pockets of that club ? The club is thinking of altering the historical title from "Melbourne Cup" to "Melba Talking about Melba, she tells a story of her first appearance, as a child at a little concert. She was naturailly proud of herself after the nice reception she got. She asked a little friend what she thought of he<r singing. "Oh, Nellie Mitchell" said the candid vounerster, "What a horrid dress '" # * * It seems practically certain that Sydney will be made the Federal seat ot Government. You see, the Right Hon. George Reids main legal practice is in that city, and it seems that if Mahomet won't "go to the mountain the mountain will have to come and camp alongside "Georerie Porgie." So his admirers say, anyhow. ♦ * * Fergus Hume, the perpetrator of "The Mystery of a Hansom Cab," and who has waded through many other books as blood-curdling, has been satisfying London interviewers who got on his tracks for "copy." He says he was educated at Otago University, and is a barrister of the Supreme Court of New Zealand. They do say that he is acquainted with work at the "bar," but that is another story ■■ * * * The daughter of one of our leading actors, says "Table Talk," has a talent for saying things. The other day the great man was being hurried off to the theatre by his wife, who reminded him that he had only iust time to "makeup." "There is plenty of time," said the terrible child to her mother — who is a very charming; actress herself — "it does not take father so long to make up ugly as it takes you to maize up pretty." # Some of New Zealand's military officers are not conspicuous for their humility. For instance, about nine months ago, one of them, who, when he is not on parade, runs a grocery emporium, was in his office. To him came an excited shop-assistant. "You are wanted at the front, sir I" "Great heavens'" exclaimed the gallant officer, "Is Lord Roberts dead?"

I notice that many Sunday-school pei sons have become "Torreyfied." In Chustchuich, the other Sunday, the alarming Sunday-school superintendent a&kcd "all who are Christians to stand up " The pupils indignantly remained seated, so that dreadful creature told them to go home, which they did. * * * The Brisbane "Observer" is frequents ly a serious paper. But, it is humourous oftentimes. For instance, it recently printed the news "The body of a coloured man, whose name has not yet been divulged, was found floating in the river late this afternoon, and when removed by the police was taken to the morgue. (For other sportin" news see next page.)" * * ♦ "Tay Pay" O'Connor is a three-column admirer of Mr. Seddon. Mr O'Connor can never forget the immense sensation Dick created once when he said "God forfend the day should ever come when England would count the cost in money when her honour is involved." Tay Pay thinks it was the most terrific thing he ever heard, though he remarks that neither the sentiment or the words are original. " 'Taint exactly wot 'c sez — it's the v, ay he 'as ov a sayinj of it." I witnessed what might have been a horrid tragedy the other day in the city. Noticed a lady with a very fine retriever doy goang up Willis-street. .Noticed also a man "dogging" the lady's footsteps, evidently much interested. He followed her up Willis and Manners streets, and into Courtenay Place. The lady there met her husband, and told him of the circumstance. Husband lost no time. "How dare you follow my wife around, you cad ?" "Wife? Cad?" responded the man. "Why, I was struck on the dog!" he said. "How much will you take for him?" * * » Is all fair in love and war? I would like to know, because I have just heard of the case of a girl whose marriage is set down for a not-far-off date. In the days of her youth she madly loved a callow youth, and, while it lasted, she deluged him with burning words on paper. Then reason returned, and she met her true affinity. No. 1, with all those letters, saw his lawyer, with the result that she bought those letters for £200. Then, the lawyer and the mercenary lover quarrelled, with the result that an irate parent took a hand, and the much-terrified girl was protected from, further annoyance. May that £200 do the legal gentleman and his client good.

Mr. H. M. Gunter, the only New Zeaander on the "Roddam," which was in. the vicinity of La Pierre when the West Indies commenced their evolutions, wrote a poem (a lurid, blinding, volcanic epic) on the subject, and got it Kublished in London. Although he as been asked to go around visiting volcanoes to get inspirations for some more iwems, he is now music-teaching at New Barnet, near the world's "Big Smoke." * * The great Melba tells a story about that marvellous product of civilisation the American interviewer. The wild and whirling scribe who had been trying to get past the liveried giants of Madame's London hotel at last gave it up, and wrote "Mrs. Melba, lam going to interview you. If you won't see me I shall fake. Madame turned up a corner of that letter, and wrote on it : "Fake!" and sent it back. There was a three-column history of Melba in the Yankee press a week later that makes Melba wonder what her name is, and whether she is really a singer, or only dreamt it. * # • It is refreshing to read that the South African natives are "cheerfully surrendering their arms." I suppose you have not seen the average Kaffir's "arms." They are generally old Dutch "roers," brought over by the "voor trekkers" in the reign of George 111., and kept a© curiosities. When the African nigger breaks out, he will come as of old, in a solid phalanx, and his weapon won't be firearms. He thinks little of death. Anyone who has had the joy of seeing a Kaffir use an assegai while in an excited condition will know that the "cheerful surrender of arms" is absolutely unimportant. * * # Colonel George W. Bell, the American "silver tonarued" orator, will be here shortly after you read this, on a lecturing tour. A Melbourne paper, sneaking of one of the Colonel's lectures, says • "Such a speech has never before been heard in Melbourne." lam glad of that. The American orator who pushes through this colony brands every word with a big "me," and they speak a language it is impossible to parse or give any name - to. Some recent American orators have had university degrees, too. I expect they use "authorities" we have not heard of. Colonel Bell learnt English as the United States Consul for New South Wales.