Entre Nous

Free Lance, Volume III, Issue 118, 4 October 1902, Page 14

Entre Nous

CAESAR MICHEL is not a Briton, but Britons might well be proud of his pluck. While working in a mine at Reef ton, a stone fell, and imbedded itself in his eye, temporarily destroying the sight. A Dunedin doctor removed the eye and the trouble, and the man is now all right. Caesar is an old man, and underwent the torture of the whale thing without anaesthetics. Which reminds us of a case on the Upper Thames, in which a miner, who was blasting, went back to see why the "shot" did not ~o off and had a matchbox and many stones blown into his face, totally blinding him. The matchbox (a large ''twopenny" one) was buried" almost out of sight, but the man did not utter a sound. He was brought over many miles of rough country to the hospital, got out of the buggy himself and walked into the hospital.' leaning on his mates. The matchbox and stones were removed without the aid of anaesthetics, and the surgeon remarked that it was the finest specimen of courage he had ever witnessed. The hero, however, died. The winning of a V C. is child's-play in comparison with the everyday heroism of many of our working men. ♦ » * That eminent evangelist, the Rev. "Daohter Tarrey," is death on the press. He recently said, at a meeting, that he "wanted Christian men to try to save people who never came near evangelistic meetings. The salvation of a rum-seller, a gambler, or even a reporter might thus be accomplished." The newspaper men who were there, bound by their respective firms to wade through a waste of fiery Torreyism to get at an occasional kernel would naturally feel the honour of being weighed in the balance w ith those other sinners by the polite evangelist, and would help his mission along. • * * Mayor Aitken recently remarked, in effect, that he was expected to perform all sorts of extraneous offices for peonle who looked upon him as a convenient medium for getting odds and ends of chores done cheaply. But, the average M.H.R., if he cared to publish a volume of the otters he receives in the course of a Parliament, might cause a slump in other works of humour. One M.H.R. has been called upon to eject non-paying tenants, to lift a "bogged" cow out of a swamp, to trace a stolen purse, and to get a steward's billet on a Union steamboat for the son of a constituent. But, he is turning at last. He absolutely refused to answer the following letter, received last week

'•Dear Sir, — Ban you sell a sadle and arse for me on komissum and buy a bike in&tad.— Yours, etc." As the M.H.R. m question is again "seeking your suffrages" it is foolish of him to ignore the modest request of a voter who may have a wife and several children of voting age. * * * A Wellington Terrace lady, who prides herself on her ability to train servants in the way they should go, had a new housemaid last week. She gave the girl minute instructions about callers. Esmeralda was to politely ask them in, request them to be seated in the drawing-room, and then go and tell her employer of the arrival. On Tuesday last Esmeralda knocked at the missus's door, and said, "Mr. Richards is in the drawing-room." The lady hastily patted her back hair, rehearsed a smile or two and then sailed down. "Mr. Richards" was seated m the best armchair, and his basket of bootlaces, hairpins, and other odds and end® was resting on the sofa. There was an aroma of strong tobacco in the air, and a look of joy on the features of the hawker No doubt he had been thinking, "Well, this is a bit of all right" until his hostess showed him the door, and had gone for her smelling salts — and Esmeralda. * ♦ • "A man who thinks kissing a book means any difference in telling the truth is not worth much." Thus, Sir Robert Stout to a witness. And. still they pursue the practice. Evidently, this Chief Justice is not impressed with the practice that should be swept away with the rest of the antique and insanitary habits. Although sensible people all admit that the theatrical salutation is unnecessary, and does not in the least affect the truth of court statements, the court authorities do not inform witnesses beforehand that there is no neces^ sity for them to imbibe possible microbes. The average witness, of course, believes the Bible-kissing is absolutely necessary, and therefore does not protest. If some person could tret hold of witnesses and tell them they would not be hanged if they refused to take a Bible oath, the practice might die the death it deserves "to die, and the greasy book be reiterated to the Museum. * # * Even in the twentieth century there are people who have vague ideas' of the use of the telephone. One gentleman in moleskins and an air of cow-yard about him, strolled into a telephone bureau near town the other day, to send a message. He rang the bell, and yelled into the receiver, "When are you going to send that there cow along?" The telephone girl, i^oring the question, asked, "What number?" "She ain't got no number ; it's the bald-faced heifer with the broken horn, I mean!" As the gentleman waited some time, expeoting probably to see the cow come through the door, and she did not come, he made rude remarks about new-fansr-led swindles, and refused to pay his sixpence. When the telephone man, however, had done grinning, he "got on to" the person with the cow, and there is reason to believe that the onehorned quadruoed has changed its abode.

A good story is told of an old and greatly beloved settler in the Taranaki district, who died the other day. His good qualities were of the heart rather than the head, and what education he had was self-imparted. His family weire fully alive to his deficiencies, and endeavoured wTienever possible, to restrain him from speaking in public. The old gentleman had a friend, not many degrees more polished than himself, but sufficiently so to pass muster, and this friend frequently presided at public gatherings. He acted in this capacity ait the opening of a certain public hall, and announced the performance, of the local philharmonic -society as the "Horatio" of Elijah. * * » It was this friend to whom the family of the recently-deceased pioneer appealed on the occasion of a banquet given to a visiting Cabinet Minister. They pleaded that the pater should be carefully kept out of the toast list, and given no opportunity to speak. The old gentleman somehow got wind of the plot, and ait the banquet he secured, after many futile attempts his opportunity. It was near the end of the proceedings, and the old boy was flushed and ruffled. And this is what he siaid • "I do know, Mr. Chairman, that you have a-done your best to stop me from speaking to-night. But, Ibe just so well able to speak as what you be. Aha, what wast thou called the Horatio of 'Lijah t'other night, Gutta Percha. warn't it p " The laugh that followed was truly Homeric, but the dear old gentleman could not see the joke. The names of aristocrats are frequently a stumbling block to parvenues who are not acquainted with the correct pronunciation of Marioribanks, Colquhoun, St. John, Beauchamp and the like. Talking of Beauchamp, the peer who filled the vice-reeral billet in New South Wales for a time, he was recently introduced in London to a New Zealand lady who can remember the time when her husband's account did not run into four figures. She seemed to be auite familiar wi+' is lordship, and chatted affably about the weather, and the earthquakes, and frozen mutton. "You seem to know the earl well!" remarked a friend. "Well," said Mrs. Riehe, "I've never met him before, you know but I've taken his lordship's celebrated pills regularly for years!"

Reynolds "Newspaper" (London) is right up to date in regard to the doings of the people in this country. In a late issue, after indulging in a pointless illogical, and senseless attack on the Premier, it remarks that "New Zealand is a country absolutely ignorant of itfe own affairs, and wholly oiven ud to gambling, athletic contests, and drinkinjg in its leisure moments." And yet that heavenly print every week publishes large advertisements encouratdiur young men from Home to journey hither thusly. "New Zealand, th£ Workman's Paradise,' " the freest the most advanced, the best-governed country m the world,' etc., eto." The advertisement business knocks the bottom out of the argument of the frothy nre-eating scribe every time. ♦ * * The swish of the celluloid is no longer heard in a Wellington house where but one short week ago ping-pong reigned siupreme. A new dance, that is probably borrowed from the Continent, has found such favour that other amusements are pallid in comparison. A screen is placed at one end of the ballroom, with an aperture at the base, the ladies at one side, and tihe gentlemen on the other. The ladies walk in procession behind the screen, displaying just a trifle of their pretty ankles. The gentlemen, kneeling on the other side, choose the particular pair of ankles they wish to dance with, then the screen is removed, the band strikes up and the gentlemen claim their partners." Wallflowers" are fewer at. that house than formerly. * • * The country is at present honeycombed with orators, who are insisting that if they are returned to the "House" they will flood the country with prosperity as with a river. One gentleman who is at present engaged on the platform wondering how Parliament has got on for forty-two years without him, recently said a great deal of nothing in a mass of whirling words to a crowd of amused Southern electors, who were there because there was nothing better on. "My word, Bill," said a hornyhanded listener, "he's a goer, ain't he. What does he remind you of?" "Well, I reckon the only thing I can liken him to is a bald-headed man trying 1 to sell hair-restorer I" returned Bill, and the other fellow thought the comparison was so good that he told us about it.

The undeineutioned true mcident is a warning to citizens who procrastinate. A highly-strung individual, who was very much disturbed o' nights by Thomas calling out to Maria to promenade oil the back fence, bought a packet of prussic acid, and carefulh blended it with a bowl of milk. The mixture was placed in a conspicuous plaice in the back-yard, and the tempter sat at his window aloft, chuckling with glee at the cunningly-arranged trap for the unsuspecting pussies. Presently a, Thomas invited his Maria to cumandavadrink. They drank — and dropped almost as they drank. The pair were quiokly thrown into a hole already prepared for such a contingency and again the watcher sat at his window and chuckled. ♦ * * Another pair of back-fence roysterers drank their fill in that yard, and they, too, in due course, went to the place of rest prepared for the expected. The watcher, delighted with his coup but too tired to finish his task, went to bed, determined to cover up the quartette in the morning. But, in the morning, only two corpses remained ! Next door a very sick Maria was seen sitting in the sun all day refusing to be coaxed bv a saucer of milk, and occasionally glimpses were seen of a wandering Thomas, in a dazed, paralytic state, walking in an unsteady side-on style ! * » * Strong-man Sandow is good material for the yarn-spinner. Here is the latest, and it is as true as anything the person who communicated it is in the habit of saying. Sandow wanted a new suit of clothes in Sydney so he went to Moses and Aaron, the wellknown outfitters, to get measured. The clothes came home in due course, and the bill also. Seeing who he was. the Israelites charged him £20 and Sandow swore a swear that would easily break a one-inch chain. Sandow looked in m the morning, and shook Mr Aaron by the hand cordially. "I called in to say that mv suit does not fit," he remai 1 ed, with a smile Of course, the tailor protested that it "vas a ferry goot fit and called up to Sandow's hotel to see the muscular one try it on. • • • Sandow took off his ordinary coat, and put on the new coat and waistcoat, buttoned them up. and then expanded his chest eighteen inches or so. "Schermozzle, vot vos dat !" exclaimed the tailor, as several buttons hit the ceiling, and a piece of cloth floated around in the air. "Call that a fit?" asked Sandow, who stood in the wreck of that new suit. And the tailor had to own that his tape wasn't to be relied on. » * * If you are a lady who is enamoured of the "clinging" effects obtained by professional beauties and actresses generally, all you have to do is to anoint yourself with glycerine and rosewater. You assume your costume before the mixture ia dry, and you are then a thing of beauty, and a joy for ever to everybody but yourself. If you have not got any glycerine our informant says that treacle can be used as a substitute.

Some people will recognise a local scribbler in the following yarn. The fact is, his landlord wanted those arrears of rent badly. But Penn-Knibb did not want an excuse. He never does. "I will," he said, "satisfy your demands as soon as I receive the money which the publisher will pay me if he accepts the novel I am going to send him as soon as the work is finished which I am about to commence when I have found a suitable subject and the necessary inspiration." • ♦ • Lines inspired by a study of the life of the great Carnegie — Let us then be up and doing, All becoming money kinsrs , Some day we may be endowing Universities and things. Lives of millionaires remind us That we've crot to own the stock If we want to leave behind us Libraries on every block.

The placidity of the proceedings before a Supreme Court iudge was greatly disturbed last Friday by the vociferous enterprise of a Free Lance runner. Judge Edwards was taking some business in Chambers in Judge Cooper's room, when, the small boy ran along the passage. Seeing a door ajar, the boy in his eagerness to push business, threw open the door, and yelled, "Free Lance P" The judge, the registrar, and the usher gazed with astonishment at this unusual descent upon the region wherein "Silence!" in the Bastian tones is the only sound, wont to disturb the air. The members of the Devil's Own, however, broadly grinned, an exercise in which the dignitaries gradually indulged also, and, under cover of the smiles of Justice, the boy fled ! • • • The "Metropolitan Magazine" is a monthly publication which does not circulate in New Zealand. Only occasional copies are seen over here. In its September issue an article which has pride of place bears the title, "A Flying Trip Through New Zealand," by Matthew Waltham, jun. We do not know Mr. Waltham, but the article proves him to be an accomplished modern Munchausen, for he describes how he "accomplished" a remarkable aerial journey over picturesque parts of our North and South Islands by means of a flying machine. » ■» * Five excellent photographs of the Bealey, Milford Sound, Wairakei, Otira Gorge, and Lake Te Anau are re-pro-duced as illustrations to the article, and in each picture a man in a flying machine is admirably "faked." The names of the locality are not given with each picture, but there is no mistaking their identity. The new Munchausen says that none of his trips "was quite as startling as the descent into the Wairakei crater." There' is an air of verisimilitude about the descriptive work in the article, which must make many people verily believe that Santos Dumont has been beaten and that a Waltham is a winner in more things than watches. • * • It is very foolish for any person to marry outside his or her own set. Sunpose, for instance, a girl has passed the sixth standard, and is qualified to take her place in the highest society in the land, and she falls in love with her father's cow-boy ? What does she do ? Marries him, of course. And, oh. the misery of it. One girl, in a district celebrated for its cows and its Js.P. a year or two ago. foolishly wedded her father's 18s a week rouseabout. The^ went to live in a whare, stingily conceded for a consideration by the father, and got his curses to carry away with them. The old gentleman was a very superior person — chairman of a. Road Board, senior J.P., and, in fact, he hated to think that his daughter (who knew Latin) had married a be^arlv farmhand.

It was not a happy union, for the ignorant youth could not hope to have anything in common with his brilliant wife. Three months ago the youth was. reading the "Whereabouts'" column of an English paper, and he found that Six Graham' Gonce, X.C, Bart., was dead, and the lawyers were looking for Graham. Gouoe, junior. The fact that his name was Jones did not prevent him from sending a cable that day to -the lawyers. Later, the severely respectable old J.P. cleared the young man off his land for not paying his rent, and the youth took his swag, and cleared out. The grass widow went home. Now, the fanner has a cheque for his rent from the new baronet," and my lady the grass widow is wondering if she shall sink her superiority and go to live at Gonce Castle, N.B. Also, there is a New Zealand J.P. who would kick himself if his physical proportions would admit of that athletic exercise. * * * -~, - There are three ways, says a contemporary of tellin" when an egg is fresh. If not fresh, it will not float. When the inside does not shade it may be condemned, and should the shell not have a semi-transparent appearance when held xxv to the liorht, it should be used, if at all, only for election purposes. All these manoeuvres seem a trifle superfluous. As ai rule, when an egg has seen better days, it is quite candid on the subiect. There is no insidious subterfuge about it. It does not attempt to conceal the fact. * * * Riding in tram cars is not all champagne and ping-pong. We noticed a dainty damsel who belongs to Wellington's ui-^er five in a car the other day, followed by one of Nature's — and the publican's — outcasts. The lady sat down, drew her skirts away from the contaminating touch of the not sober citizen, and wished she was somewhere else. The guard came round. "Fares please!" The lady inserted a dainty finger in her purse. "That's all ii' conductor, this is my shout ; I'm paying ™£ the lady !" gurgled the nondescript. No No ' ejaculated the dainty one. 1 dont know him. Here's my fare!" The hard part, of it was that nobody believed the Tirl ; and cnat the guard took the threepence from the derelict, who relapsed into his seat muttering • "Always have— hie— paid for the lady—always shall— nothing mean about me— hie. We believe pa has ordered a motor oar on the advice of his dainty daughter. J * * ♦ The "Critic" tells a tale . ]>uring the performance of "A Woman of Pleasure" at Melbourne Royal, a young man evidently down for the agricultural show touched a pressman standing at the back 01 the circle on the arm, and said ■ "I £ ay o'» «£t? I ? ng time ? omin ' o" 1 - aia't he.' Who is a long time coming on?" "Why, that Eugene, the strong bloke." 'Eugene Sandow doe® not appear here; it is Eugene Duggan who is the star in this theatre. Sandow is appearing ait the theatre opposite." "Well, I'm blowed," said the backblooker, "I thought his name was Eugene Duggan, an' they just called him Sandow after the strong man in the Bible." "But the strong man in the Bible was Samson. "Was he? Anyhow, d'you think I could "fet me money back ?"

• * » " DICK SEDDON." There's a land — perhaps you know it — it is called for short N.Z., With a people natriotio to the core, Where the rights of women flourish, and where temperance is said To be commoner than bolts upon a door. When the stranger, seeking knowledge, tries to find the master hand With embarrassment I feel inclined to redden. As they rise and point, with feelings that one can't misunderstand. To their Maori, kauri, flowery Richard Seddon. When events of great importance happen in the Motherland, Who is it sends Australia the news. To keep her people up-to-date, and let tJiem understand How provincial and contracted are their views? When the war in viot'ry ended, though the chances seemed but few, As the clouds of fate overhead were dark and leaden. I was modest in my bearing when, they said the credit's due To the Maori, kauri, flowery, Richard Seddon. When they spoke of empty titles (knighted by the King's command), Were they startled by my wish to countermand 'em ? When they said I had my mind made up to subjugate the Rand, Did they not, to put it mildly, speak at random? Could the wealth of any country, or the wish to buy and sell My affection for my kingdom ever deaden, Or could any other title fit the wearer hatf so well As "the uncrowned King of Maoriland, R. Seddon?" ' — Melbourne "Punch."