It is Town Talk

Free Lance, Volume III, Issue 116, 20 September 1902, Page 26

It is Town Talk

—That a Taien clergyman recently preached a two-hours' sermon on honey. His name was Boreham —That smoking kills the "lockjaw" microbe. If only an anti-tobacconist would start a campaign during the coming elections ' That the- sad-eyed "poet," who sends sample in memonam verses to bereaved citizens, with a price list appended, is finding plenty to do. —That a church monthly paper published in Brazil, in a recent article on things in general, calls Mr. Seddon "General Lord Seddon." — That Adelaide has passed the antiexpectoration bye-law. There is no need. Dwellers in Droughtland are too parched to expectorate. That a Wellington man has made a fortune out of the groans tears, and blood of helpless orphans, widows, and others. He is a dentist. — That a country paper prints day, time and signal for a "surprise parade" for the local volunteers. This is so that they won't know anything about it. — -That a bibulous business man has removed his ' shingle" from over his door He did not sign the pledge. He pledged the sign, and it now renoses at "Uncle's." — That very few miners hanker after the six-hours day some politicians are advocating. Mining is by no means a continuous strain. Plenty of rest between the "shots." — That the uuenle squabble about Hospital Sunday collections for the Convalescent Home or the Hospital is evidence that the time is not ripe for the lion to he down with the lamb. — That, unfortunately, Dunedxn papers cannot see the good that is hidden behind the methods of the quaint Torrey-Alexander combines. "Mountebanks'" "Nigger Minstrels!" Good gracious ' — That, at a Kanien social to returned troopers the other day, a reporter wrote' that the men were "alive with intei-est." The compositor did not, though. He made it read "They were alive with insects." — That the candidate for New town who harangues his looking-glass for hours at a time, in traimno- for the political arena, should draw down the blind. The entertainment is really too fetching to be given free — -That a large number of Wellington citizens who t^ave way to patriotic ebullience when Mafeking was relieved, have modestly kept in the background while the Veterans' Home subscriptionlist has been going round. — That a heroic person made frantic efforts to rescue a bald-headed man in Napier harbour the other day. The scurrying moon, showang fitfully for a brief second, revealed a magnificent ocean-tossed s\i ede turnip. — That Sir Joseph Ward is hopeful that if the strenuous footballers who fought the North and South battle on Saturday ever go in for politics, they will be on his side. So he remarked at the banquet on Saturday night. — That, now it is necessary for a Chinaman to be buned for fifteen years before lie can go back to China (and thezice to Paradise), a great many Mongols wii! piefei to take the quicker course and stay at home. Hip l hip' — That a local editor is the soul of politeness. The spring poet, who called on him with two reams of poem about spring, and "will you kindly insert." was gently asked to insert it himself The editor even held the waste-paper-basket for him. — That an absent-minded Mayor up the line, who is also a lay preacher, put this motion at a council meeting the other day "That all cattle found stravmg m this borough, winter or summer day or night ( be impounded from this day forward, for ever and ever — Amein." — That landow ners are not always farmers. One gentleman, at Waiwikiti, who has some fine pasture he does not use, was asked by a sheep farmer for a lease of the land to "turn a couple of hundred hoggets on." The gentleman replied that "he wasn't going to have any blanky pigs rootin' round on his land. — That, in a batch of Court cases down South lately, one "exhibit" was a bottle of kerosene (alleged arson), and another a bottle of beer (sly grog). The magistrate asked the constable if, in his opinion, the latter exhibit was an alcofholic drink. When Robert had shipped half a pint of kerosene he said "No!" in a decided voice.

— That it is freely rumoured that Mr. F. T. Moore has gone to Africa to a good billet under the New Zealand Government. That. there> is just a, probability that a good many members will' have a fine opportunity of taking the 'Witheford trip to the Cook Islands. — -That New Zealand breathes again when it knows that Mr. E. M. Smith has refuted the deadly accusation that he had become a prohibitionist. — -That it was recently said that money was "tight" in Melbourne. That is why 5000 people rushed to buy guinea tickets for Melba's concerts. — That if "Pro Bono Pubhcos" and "Constant Readers" can do it, the Bible is to be read in schools. Country papers are mostly filled with this topic iust now. — That a woman, m a Southern court was recently asked to produce her marriage certificate. She retired, and brought them all— four girls and three boys. — -That the Maoris take very kindly to vaccination The liking for laceration is inbred. The preventive puncture is a small thing to a much-tattooed w arrior. — That a Wellington male, who was a man before he "went to the Coronation," now unblushingly owns that he owes his marvellous "figure" to a Parisian corsetiere. — That the Boer Generals have taken over Kruger's contract to "stagger humanity." Could we not give them back Africa and a few seats in the House of Lords? — That the boys in the railway workshops have all developed a passion for kicking at old hats since one of them broke his arm in this way and got £150 from a grief --stricken Government. — That Mr. Napier believes the elections aie- purer in New Zealand than anvwheie in the British Empire." Query In how many parts of the British Empire has Mr Napier attended elections ? — That neaily every volcano of note in the world is at present m eruption, and that volcanic speck in the Pacific seems to be one of the steadiest spots on earth. For which we should be grateful. — 'That the absent Lieutenant Hardham, V.C , will feel glad that the secietary of the New Zealand Rugby Union publicly announced that he was one of the "whitest" players w ho ever donned a football jersey. — That the clergyman who refereed the North and South Island football match on Saturday believes "that nothing requires greater moral, intellectual, or physical powers than refereeing a football match. — That "Tommy Atkins" is to be allowed to smoke off duty in future, and to get other marvellous concessions The authorities w ill vet allow Tommy to think for himself if they °;o on in this reckless fashion. — That, seeing that the Panama hat is to be all the rage this summei it is interesting to know that the chapeau that costs you 1.3s is geaied up to £20 or £30 for the. London "Johnny," who hates a bargain, doncherknou — That the intelligence of the average voter cannot be veiy high if, as it has been alleged, their votes can be bought w ith a glass of beer or a cup of tea. Is it a "corrupt practice" to treat your electors to a glass of milk and a bun ? — That the quaintest presentation of recent times w as one of a cork leg made in a Northern town to a trooper of the Eighth Contingent, who had lost his own limb in a railway accident He screw ed it on in the presence of a vast concourse. — That, seeing that there is a disposition to coddle the Chinaman bv siving him greater facilities to trade after his white brother has closed, what is the matter with giving one of Gon Bun~'s countrymen a chance for New town at the general election 9 — That the Southern police have been busy raiding fish shops for hidden beei . They have found several bottles, and, of course, it is a case of "sly gro o '." Now, why don't they raid the hotels, and prevent them from injuring the restaurant trade bv serving free counter luncheons p — That the youngest hopeful of a Wellington parson played a mean trick on his father last Sunday. He tore out the leaf of his hymn book containing the first hymn for the day, and pasted in a song. The parson read out the first verse of "The Sleeping Camp" before he woke up to the situation. — That there is a distinct religious "revival" going on throughout the civilised world. The fact that A B. Worthington is where he is will "revive" some Christchurch people, and the fact that the Rev. Smythe Piggott, of the abode of love," is not catching on to any great extent, will revive a srreat many more.