Afternoon Tea Gossip

Free Lance, Volume III, Issue 112, 23 August 1902, Page 6

Afternoon Tea Gossip

By Little Miss Muffitt.

Theie ai-e a heap of Irishmen who be heve that Charles Parnell the grea 1 Home Ruler, and the scorned of Kitty O'Shea did not die after all. lliey believe that he is the guerilla, Christian de Wet. I notice, with feelings akin to shock, and all that kind of thing, that the Mormons at Oamaru, who desne to wean the girls down that way horn their evil habit of requiring one husband each, were all but ducked m the nearest water-hole. I noticed a gorgeous suit of giddily gold-laced staff uniform suspended from a rusty nail, with a coat of arms, "three spheres dor rampant. downlooking on its tenantless beauty, the other day. I sadly suspect that the erstwhile wearer of the golden gorgeousness sees in the proposal to deciease the defence vote his billet slipping away from him The price of the suit w ould buy many outfits of dungaree. * * * A Northern pen-friend of mine, who is interested in poultry (she keeps canaries), writes that she recently viewed a crate of fow Is that had travelled for three days on the water, but without a drop to 'drink When they cot to Auckland, they were put in the saleroom and theie kept still without liquid sustenance. It seems to be against fowl-keepers' religion to give water to their property Besides think of the trouble. The buyers of table delicacies arc not supposed to know whether their Sunday dinner died per knife or thirst, are they?

Mr. Seddon received a letter in London a while ago addressed, "King Dick", oare ot King Edward, London." In it was a twopenny stamp, with the letter "Have a drink, old man." It is hoped that King Dick did not give way to undue hilarity on this occasion. Madame Melba's fame is great. On the Continent she was asked b" a foreign gentleman if she was English. She explained tha/t she came from Victona. Did the Count know it? "Ah, \ees, Madame, I know ze countiy Veektona ze chief city ees Melbourne Named after Madame, I piesume " * * ■* I overheard a particularly nitating remark in the Ladies' Gallery of the House the other night. One fan, sweet girl, who was dallying with some needlework, remarked that she would lather be a brunette than a blonde Well " said the other, "if you liked it why didn't you keep that black hair you used to have?" * * * A friend writes that the people of hei \i!lage planted such a lot of dear little oak saplings to celebrate the Coronation w ith The saplings were specially biouaht from South. The local cattle joyfully celebrated the Coronation bv eating the tops off, and the local boys aa'e provided with whip-handles of real English oak. * * * The troopers recently released from quarantine look as if their clothes had been chewed by a cow who took fortyeight hours to masticate to her satisfaction. Their habiliments were subiected to a steam pressure of some tons to the square inch Most of the tailors in town have been busy trying to get a semblance of smoothness into the creased clothes. What chance would the Newtown cars have if Wellington millionaires followed in the steps of some of Auckland's wealthiest s3 A syndicate in the last loneliest and loveliest city of asphalt and Admiialty House, is purchasing ten automobiles to chase the electric cars off the rails A Wellington cash crowd who could beat the car time bv ten minutes would be the means through Providence, of causing a Bovril company to operate in Wellington, with a special regard to the> energising propei ties of condensed 'bus-horse

A gentleman called cm a lawyer in tov\n the other day, and wanted to sue the Government. He said he was going to a certain race meeting, but as the train went half-a-minute befoie the schedule time he wanted to recover the money he might have won if he had been able to leave Wellington. A sound case' General Hutton, the Federal Commandant, is goingto abolish rifle clubs. It probably interferes with the military forces, and teaches men to shoot, a shocking defect in tune of w^ar. Also, these linemen have to buy their own arms from the Federal Government, and tins' entails work. General Hutton is drafting back to pre- African war clays. It was so very forgetful of that boy to lea\ c a pheasant under the tram-car seat the other day. The person who furtively grabbed it, and hurried home to his loving wife with it under his arm, discovered but too late that a few gorgeous tail featheis had been stuck into the remains of a very "ripe" feline. A newspaper parcel covers a heap of deceit. Have you got a big nose ? If yon have you stand a good chance of becoming a Sims Reeves or a Melba. It is absolutely essential, says a "great" doctor, to your voice that you should be well supplied in this direction. I call to mind all the big noses of my acquaintance. Most of the owners do not know music from wood-sawing. A propos, one large-nosed individual, during the "Florodora" boom, wanted to know what they meant by "ringing in the 'Lost Chord' " in a comic opera. _ He recosnised Sullivan's sacred song in "0, My Dolores"! *■ * * I have received the rules and regulations of a recently-formed anti-matri-monial club, from a Sydney friend. The age limit for membership is 25. Herewith are some of the penalty clauses laid down in the "constitution" For flirting with the opposite sex one pound of chocolate cream , for winking at a nice younf man, two pounds of chocolate cream for allowing a young man to kiss you, one mark towards expulsion, 200 marks being necessary for expulsion forgetting married, expulsion and a banquet.

In a Wellington church, the other day, the parson, who was baptising an infant, looked sternly at a timid youth who was prominent at the ceremony, and remarked that he was far too young to be sponsor for the little shred of humanity. The blushful youth pleaded that the parson would overlook his presence, as he was the father of the baptised one. *• * * Sir Herbert Chermside, the Governor of Queensland, seeing that the drought is bad, and the exchequer low, heroically asks the State Government to dock his salary. He is the first Australian Governor, or the first colonial Governor, as far as I know, who has done such a thing. In these days of reaching out after the unearned increment, the action of Governor Chermside places him on a pedestal of unselfishness that most Governors will allow him to occur>v alone. ■*■ * * Flowery spring toques are all right, and they are treated with respect. A propos, a young man brought a flimsy parcel to the front door of a local medico's 1 house. The servants were in bed. "Would you kindly give this to Miss Brown m the morning, sir?" said the young man, as he handed the parcel, with some superb blossoms 1 sticking out of the top, to the doctor. Yes, he would. He carried the parcel of flowers to the basement, stuck the plug in the sink, and turned on the water, to keep them fresh. Miss Brown wants to catch the villain who stuck her new spring toque m the sink, now. Some girls are never satisfied. * * * Legal lights are, of course, extremely anxious that clients shall give earnest ot their good intentions previous to the setting in motion of the legal machinery. A local wig-wearer required oil for his particular bit of litigation gear, and the lady to whom he made his demands told him that she expected a remittance of three millions any minute in the estate of a dear defunct uncle. In the meantime, if he wanted security, "There" — and, with a snap, she was toothless, and handed him a gold plat whereon were fastened her masticators. In lieu of better security pending that three millions, the lawyer now has a set of artificial fangs on his escritoire They make fine paperweights.