Concerning a Coronation Conference. "Many are called, but few get up."—A seasonable proverb

Free Lance, Volume II, Issue 104, 28 June 1902, Page III (Supplement)

Concerning a Coronation Conference. " Many are called, but few get up."— A seasonable proverb

HSi was a stranger to all the members of the Free Lance staff, and had never been seen about town. He came mto the office in a mysterious, manner, and did nob present a card or leave an address. But he seemed to be familiar with the ways of a newspaper office, for he walked straight up to our editorial table, dropped into a vacant chair in a confidential manner, took a roll of manuscript out of his breast pocket and handed it over, with the remark "There's some good copy for your Coronation Number." Before the roll could be opened, and examined, the strange visitor had arisen, buttoned up his overcoat, and, exclaiming, 'I must catch the one o'clock train." departed leaving behind him the MS. which has gone to make uo this article, which seems to demand much faith and a large-sized pinch of salt. It purports to be a report of an imiportant meeting, which, apparently was missed by both of our daily contemporaries. We are inclined to think from the exclamation made by the stranger about the catching of a train, that he must be a resident in Porirua — that neighbourhood of retirement for so many people. If so. this would account for many thiners, including the proceedings at this Coronation Conference. Here foilowefch the MS. • An Eminent British Politician — whom our own Premier" familia-rly oallfe 'Joey C" — was m a quandary whom to recommend as Wellington's most fitting representative for Coronation honours As Mr. Seddon was upon the deep blue sea, between the Cape and Charing Cross, and the King had asked the politician to "hurry up with the Empire City's little list," he had cabled out to the ActingPremier, who, being bashful, had replied, "Not for Joseph." So, in despair, the eminent British politician appointed a committee of conspicuous Wellingtoma.ns to make a choice for him. The K.B.P's. communication was read to the Conference The Chaiiman's features bore strong resemblance to a well-known open-air artist on the piccolo whose frouit name is Charley. "We" — that's Joey's word, not mine, said the musical chairman in a rau-

cous> v r oioe — We want you to help the Kmpue in this task of selecting an Honours Man for your city. We have taken gieat care in choosing the peisomiel of tins Conference. The Chairman (thait's me, all light, said the musical one) — tlio Chairman is selected because, though not a lav\ yei , he has a great knowledge^ of the. bar , you Sir Everard Gibbs. are chosen because you know the sort of man who should near the coveted prefix to his name you, Mr. Jeillicoe, because you v\ ill see that

only a man of probity is selected ; jou, ex-Inspector Pender, so that the choice may not fall, upon one well known to the police , you, Mr. Cole, so as to keein out the Seddonian bias ; >ou, Detective Cox, so that there may be someone to keep a watchful eye upon the others and you, most potent grave and reverend Kennedy Eliott, so that no needy aristocrat or democrat may get through." "I will now take nominations for the K.C.M.G.-ship l " announced the Chairman, abruptly. "Bjt we. haven't, got out our little lists vet'" protested the rest of the Conference - ohorus. "We expected you to make t speech, Mr. Chairman." "Not. mo'" retorted Charles. "You've mistaken your man— do I look like a

Seddoin?" And he straightened his form tall his bones cracked. "I move that the Conference do adjourn until we gather our thoughts!" cried Mr. Cole. "Not much, we don't!" replied replied the Chairman. "I've got a Little list here, and we'll go through that first." "A point of order," interrupted Mr. JeLlicoe. "I want to know — I demand that you tell us who gave you that list !" "All right I'll let on. It was Andrew Collins who gave it me." This announcement was followed by shouts of laughter which rose to shrieks when in answer to a further question from Mr. Jellicoe, the Ohair-

man stated that the first names on the list were those of Hairy Jones and William Naughton. Mr. Cole protested agamst these names being presented. 'Jones' was not a good enough name for K. CM. G., and the otJiea name amounted to naught. Besides, he was- himself as good as either of these two trades councillors ' Sir Everard thought there was the dignity of Trade as well as of Labour to be recognised. He thought that the Conference should support either ViceCommodore A. H. Turnbull for his patriotic pushfulness with Empire Tea and Royal Blue, or Mr. Moss for his enterprising in popularising Suratura Tea. Rubbish— rubbish'" exclaimed the Chairman. They are not sir I have tried them all. and they are good goods'" replied the advocate of Trade.

Mayor Frost on the brain . or Arthur Fullfora, who has Jorgiusen on the brain or Tommy Dwan, who has the Coronation Hotel on the brain : or— "Oh shut np. and give the Chairman a show," cried the musician. "I don t know anything about what you re talking about — " , , ■ "Quite right— you never haa anvtnine on your brain!" retorted the Labourite. Again the gentle voice exclaimed "Gentlemen!" from under tne table. When order had been restored the musician suggested that his friend Mr. Garvey was about one of the most deserving of citizens, for he ke^r OD«n house op the Terraoe "like a gentle-

I meant your sentaiente, not your teas, sir — I never take tea'" saad the Chairman. "Talking of Trade," chipped in the Benevolent delegate. "Why shouldn't we consider the claims of my namesake, Mr. Kennedy, of the U.S.S. Co. He did all light at the Aibvtration Court, and he might do aU right at St. James's Court." 'We musn't introduce pei sonahties, gentlemen- -it is painful to mention a Court in such a mixed company," pleaded the Chairman. "Isn't it, Mr. Jellicoe?" "Speak for yourself, old tar l " was the brusque retort. ' What I want to know," said the Inspector " is whether we are eligible for the honour ourselves?" No. we are not legible — that's as plain as blaok and white," replied the Chairman. The next names on my list are Tom Ellison and Billy Roberts,

man " Then, there were his friends, M. P. Cameron, ox Councillor David Nathan. The Inspector said he would like- to see Mr. Prison Visitor Arnold go m the hat \\ith Mr Garvey, but Detective Cox protested. He had another suggestion to make. He had lately been out Newtown way, and had greatly admired the style in which Mr. Rbwe and Mr. Baillie had fixed up the Newtown Library. He had been particularly struck with Mr Bole's attitude when urging folks to forsake h>ht literature, and take home hoaw books Mr. Rowe deserved the X CM G for his anti-fiction attitude

who have done great things at football." "I kick agamst that," called Mi. Cole. 'I'd 6oomer support the champion pimg-pongers, Honey and Silly, than those chaps. Now, Allan Orr is about the right style of man for the honour." ' Oh, come — this is carrying the game too far, geautlemen," protested Sir Everai'd "I propose we put the names of Messrs. Justice Cooper, Samuel Brown, and Robert Slater m a hat, and give the star to the first name out. Look at the great benefits they have conferred upon the industrial world by their awards, look—" ' Awards be dumped'" cried Mr. Cole, who began to talk so fast and furious as to be un.ret>ortable. 'Gentlemen gentlemen'" The voice was gentle though the head was under the table, like some others. It was the Benevolent delegate, who went on

'Speakir.s: of liteiatuie," said the Baronet 'I'd like to consult some friends of mine, who are poets, etc. I mxnothat we adjourn for an hour, and take a i\alk to look up some candidates " The motion was earned nem. con. • ♦ * On resuming the members of the Conference wore a dejected air. The Chairman reported that he had spoken to several srentlemen at the bar, and none would accept the honour he was menared to thrust upon them. He had serioii" thoughts of offering the. bauble to Mr=. Tasker, or Mrs. Eden,

to suggest a list of "good men and tiue, who had done something for the city." He suggested that Sir Robert Stout should be created a Peer "for services rendered in keeping out of politics" , or, that John Rirkcaidie should be made to draw lot® with T. G. Maoairthy or T. K. Macdonadd, "because of their services in the JVtanawatu Comnaaiy", or that "the Honorable HallJones should get the honour for having haid the courage to enter a pulpit, not to mention crossing the Makohine Viaduct." •Pooh'" snorted the representative of the Civil Service. "Let' us give the honour to someone who has something o 1 his brain '" "Right you are," replied Mr. Cole, quickly. "Give ib to Harbour Board Ferprisqin — because he got his £1750 on the brain ; or Electric Wright who has our tram cars on lu> brain . or Mayor Keeae who very seasonably, has ex-

but felt that lie should consult the Conference first. The suggestion fell flat. Then each delegate made his report. Mr. Jellicoe, who has never before admitted defeat said that he had offered the decoration to Charley Izard. as the latter was hurrying to a meeting of the Benevolent Trustees, "and the elongated Councillor cried, as he rushed bv. 'No. no- can't possibly stop to take it, mv man — too busy, too busy !' A racking couo-h Mr. .Telheoe as he withdrew. _„ The Baronet «aid he had met Mr. Edward Wil«on "of the Post Office you know," and had asked whether he

would be K.C.M.G. Not me " Mr. Wilson had forcibly leplied. You lea\e me alone. I've got a good thing, on at the Post Office, and you can whi&per it to the King. Tell him Dick Seddon knows me, all right'" And the Baronet withdrew from the Confeienoe. Mr. Cole, out of whom all the fight had gone, reported that he had seen the Mayor, who had replied that lie \) as too busily engaged in minding other people's business by day, and working overtime on his own affairs at night, to even listen to the voice of the charmer. The sound of the German Band sufficed him. Mr. Cole withdrew m tears. The reveremd and benevolent one just then rushed in, wiping his brow, and wais greeted with the chorus— ' W hat luck ?"

None," he replied. 'I went up to soo Dr. Alaitm, but they told me that he was in. thenuibeiy with his lecentlyairived son and heir, and could not, on any account, be disturbed." The delegate begged to be excused, as he had "to go and see for what purpose Charlie Izaxd was rushing so hurriedly to the Benevolent." Inspector Pender reported that lie had offered "the thing" to Councilloi Devine, who wanted an assurance that ' the bauble w ould help him to get the Mayoral chair before ho w ould take the Surrship." The Inspectoi could not oive this assmance- "And now." he added Aou must excuse me, for the peoole of Temuka want to make me a presentation, so I must go " And he wont. Detective Cox and the Chairman now lemained. Well, Cox p " asked

the Chan man. I must huriy up," replied the detective, as I hear some Chinamen are playin° r fan-tan up town. But I offered the w hat-dye-call-it to Mr. Ashcroft." What— did he take it?" No, he started in to read me some of his poetry. And when he was out of breath, I chipped in. He said that if the Conference would only appoint him its Official Odeist and would listen to his verses, he didn't care who wore the thingamy." Then, Cox left. The Chairman scratched away for some time on a telegraph form and then he sent away a cablegram, of winch the following is a copy ■ — ' To Joey C , London — "Confeience Bust. ''Also yours, PC"

Go wear a medal thick with clasps, it makes me sick o1o 1 life. So 'ere, who wants my medal? • — they need only say the word ; It « as give to me for honour, but fchey'va made it seem absurd. It was my reward for fighting and if them as didn't fight 'Aye got it too, 'ere take it back; T can't 'aye earned it right.

Tragic tale m four chapters — Chapter I. Lonely maiden on the beach, Chapter 11. Carried far beyond her reach. Chapter HI. Shark, attracted by the sound, Sares the maid from being drowned.