Entre Nous

Free Lance, Volume II, Issue 102, 14 June 1902, Page 12

Entre Nous

OXk ot Wellington's gi ancle dames cieated a more or less dignified divers-ion in a C'oiporatiion tram - car the othei da\ You bee, she paid twopence for liei nde, and this licensed lier to take charge ot the cai A young lady, w lio was Mtting next the dooi closed it, feeling the cold The lady who had assumed the owneislup ot the Coroorafcion sen ice, withered the gill, and protested that she was suffocating. Neither would give in, and the guaacl v,a& sum in one dto settle the dispute. He of couise hoscen as he was, took the side of the youngei lady, and a thiee>comeied duel set m * * * The offended lady would see about it, and she simmered like a human Vesuvius all the w a.\ to the tram offices Then she pulled the bell funouslv but the oai has its stopping places, and the tram office isn't one Insult to injury ' Whether the conductor will be imprisoned the girl banished, for life, and the oar disorganised, is not known, but if one irate twopenny passenger, who couldn't bu\ the service with that sum can accomplish it, be sure it •will be done # • • v D\ou pla\ golf-" If you say tha/t to one 01 two people in a little Wairarapa town they will probably hit you with a loaded club Two gentlemen, who are both despeiateh in love w ith themselves decided that the —ah Golf Club weie too mixed doncherknow '" They would black-ball an^y beastly plebians who might seek to enter the sacred portals of Society golfclom They duly black-balled one lady and two gentlemen, who, it transpires, weie peisonai friends of the whole of the remainder of the committee Suspicion pointed to the select gents , who had exercised their right of veto and most of the committee resigned right then Now , those tw o Johnnies cannot go down to work at their respective stores without colliding with the udicule of an unfeeling juvenile population Demociacv ' The police collided the other da.s with a gentleman of leisuie down South who stands a good chance of out- c leeping Rip Van Winkle. He was charged with being found helplessh diu-ik m a public place, and was duly deposited within the usual ma^oni\ He wo!:e up once to say that he had never touched, tasted, or handled honors in his life, and then, with a long-diawn snore, sank into somnoleno asaan Two clay 9 after ariefet the police had to shout into his ear to get him to listen to his sentence, and he bumped eicn obstacle en route to his cell in a hazy way, and collapsed into a drenmlo<-<- slumber when the haven was leached Pickwick's fat boy the seven sleepers and othei historical chronic resteisare not to> be compared w ith this perfectly oiti/en who is prohabK still asleep

A good story is told by the 'Obsener," which shows how Loicl Ranturl> ma.ke.s himself populai \\ ith all classes A couple of disreputable-looking Chinamen once asked to see and have speech with the Governoi "What do you want him tor?" was asked. 'To gne him peachee and applee," replied the celestials bringing foiward some magnifi-cent-looking fiuit. The valet was called, who had a look at the applicants and then proceeded to find Caiotain Alexandei . This gentleman looked somewhat dubiously at the visitors, and absent-mindedly sampled the peaches He was evidenth so much impiessed with the lusciousnes* of the fiuit, that he, m his tuin, sought His Excellency. The lesult was the request, that the visitors would walk upstans The "Johns" e\citedlv complied, and had the honoui of 'ome fifteen minutes' couveisation with the Go\einor When outside, tin v ga\e vent to then feelings thuslv Him welh good flow allee same Chinaman " It is small courtesies and attentions like the abo\ c which have made Lord Ranfurly honoured and respected bv all classes. Thoindoii has its staring incidents The wily burglar has been in evidence in that aristocratic suburb of late, and the residents were fully persuaded to put their ' foot dow n on lum \\ ith a heav\ hand " One resident who recent h lost a bai of soap, a couple 01 spoons, and a brand-new box of matches left hi& house locked up He came to town, and left his keys with the active and intelligent members of the detective police In the meantime, the Thorndoiutes deteimined that no robber should rome nieh their dwelling and a tno of stalwart citizens paraded with aquaitor of a dozen weathei eves carcfullv peeled foi duty The detectives duly got into the pieviouslv buigled building, and lay in wait for burglais Those three citizens duly tip-toed after the detectives, and the. detectnes duly waited with a bold resoh c concealed about them to do then duty even at the risk of their lncs When the citizens sci ambled through the windows, the detectnes made a grab at them, and a fiec fight ensued, in which a good deal of auburn gilt police hair was When the citizens had conquered, and had abiace of fine, healthy detectives Ivmg on the broad of then respective backs and nicely corded like a Saratoga trunk, they rang up the police Constable O'Giuel was up m less than twenty minutes ' Och. what the mischief is the matther Sure its Detective McPiugpong and Plaan-clothe.s Constable O'Thrap 1 " What tran&pned afteiwaids i^u lapped in mvsten but all the bloodshed would not make a black pudding anyway * * * It was heard on the Qua\ the othei da-\ , and struck us as being light up-to-date A gay young joker, who is in the estate agency line, bailed up a wellknown, tradesman at Kaicouit's corner, and remarked, as he winked his business, eve, "Oh, I say, have you got any money you want to invest just now?" The tradesman evidently caught on to the ioke, for he chippUv leplied, "Well, I've sot aboiut three-fifty, but I'm not 'achin' to chuck it away, old man " Then, they laughed till the teais lan down their faces, and finally acjiouned to the City Buffet to screen their emotion fiom the public cs c

An Oriental Bay gentleman who polishes a stool in the Big Buildings, from the duechon he bakes every mornmg, must not be at present approached on one subject. He dismounted from the 'bus on Wednesday morning, and hurried away After him ran a pleasantfaced little chap, with a nicely turnedout parcel The boy asked him if he had left the parcel m the 'bus. "Thanks, yes," he had, and he awarded the boy the sum of sixpence for Ins honesty i. - ■* He took it behind the big hoarding around the Dnllshed, to open it. In it weie a last season's litter of defunct pups an ancient banana or two, and a more or lessi disantegiated steak, that may have done duty a month ago. The boy who peered through the fence is the onJv person who witnessed his disgust, but the tale has leaked out, and that clerk is getting a lively time of it. A romantic tale is being told by a returned trooper, who vouches for its accuracy It seems that during the past veai troops stationed on lines of communication have had favourable opportunities of becoming acquainted with Dutch settlers a,nd their families. One Invercargill man, who "went sick" at Yiljoen's Drift, and who, therefore, could not leiom his, 1 regiment, was detailed for blockhouse duty A small patroL of Boers, who tried to get thiough one night were captured, and housed under guard, of which the Inveicargill man was m charge, at the farm ot Andies dv Plessis, and here he became acquainted with the eldest daughtei a "iv\ of about sixteen Beioae the Southern man left he had put the old, old question, and had received the old, old answer 'Yes." Then, he wenti home The leturned troopei a\ ers that the girl attired herself in man's clothe.s, poined the Imperial Light hoi.se giving her name as Brown, and Ikm bnthplace New Zealand, and served a \ ear with that regiment. The Army contracts to send discharged soldiers to their own country, or to any country in the Kmpire John Brown, alias dv Plo^sis does not own either name now. She ca.me home m a tioopship two months ago and has already settled down w ltli her hushmd at Invercargill P(',l(O' Loid Curzon is said to be the authoi of the following veise engraved on the biass memoiial tablet m the Cathedial at Calcutta to the memory of membois of the Indian Volunteoi Contingent who died in South Africa Tlu s<> sons of Britain in the Kast Fought not foi pi ajse or fame Tho\ (hod for Kngland and the loa^t Made gioatei her gieat name Judge ConnolK, ot Auckland is not getting any moie patience as the veai's 101 l on He hmwlr speaks in a hoaise •wluspei but he insists that witnesses shall speak like tin auctioneer in a boiltM shop Recently, he threatened to achouin a case for three months m oixlci to allow a witness to take atonic to stiengthen Ins voice This facetious judge* has been making similar remarks for some years, but the caustic severltv ot his expression usually frightens the oices of witnesses and others into then boots

One of the most humorous episodes of the peace celebrations last week, up in Auckland, happened outside the outfitting establishment of Mr. George Fowlds, M.H.R. An improvised band of serenaders was promenading Queenstreet, when it espied the bland and countenance of Mr. Fowlds in his doorway. Immediately, the serenaders drew up, and gave three cheers foi the popular member vvith the Scottish accent. Then somebody suggested drinks, whereupon Mr. Fowlds did the disappearing trick with oreat agility, amidst the laughter of the crowd. George was not footing the drinks. He belongs to the Temperance Brigade. - * * A cock-sure councillor, in an up-the-line town, during a discussion on sanitation, remarked, in a voice redolent of confidence, that the borough was the cleanest m the North Island. They were free of dirt and rats. Then, the quiet little red-headed councillor at the end of the table passed a photograph round. It represented a one-night's "catch," made by two of his sons and included thirty-seven rats of all ages. The cock-sure councillor reckoned the photograph was "faked," and the little man said never a word. By narcel post next day the cock-sure councillor got the whole batch, with a polite note intimating that the sender would ,be glad to receive a P. 0.0. for 9s 3d for goods delivered He is convinced now • * • AJ P, about sixty miles north of Wellington, last week, in dealing with a case' of diunkenness with gruesome features attached to it, rather inooxisequentlv launched out into a dissertation on the duties of parents. If parents carefully brought up their children there could be no downfalls such as were illustrated bv the bibulous object in the dock. His name was Smith said the police, but he has half-a-dozen aliases. Constable thought his correct name wa9 X "Eh 1 What'" exclaimed his J.P -ship, "Not John X ?" ' Yes. I'm the cove," murmured the dipso. The J.P. inflicted a heaw fine, which however, he paid himself. It is not often parent and child meet after years of separation thusly, is it ? Yet, in this case, 'twas even so Interval, Australia and beer work wonders The weekly true yarn from Masterton ' A seedy citizen, who carries a piece of ohalk about with him for fear the barmaids whom he visits should ha\ c run out of the commodity, last w eok sidled into the Silurian Hotel, and called for a pint. To create the idea thart he was rolling in wealth he rattled a pocketful of buttons, and the barmaid was satisfied She drew a foaming pewter, and the celebntv nartook until nothing was between him and the ambient atmosphere but a bare pewterbottom. Then, he didn't pay. Hebe waxed wild, and threatened him with the majesty ot Constable Dooligan. "Here y'are," the gentleman said, when the lady worried him, and he handed her a brown paper parcel. "Thait'll pay fer a sixpenny beer if you take it to the Corporation furnace." It was a couple of full-sized rats, which, computed at 3d per scalp, are worth a pint of beer any day in Masterton. Result . One famtine barmaid and an angry publican w ifch number twelve boots and a tolerably good idea of using them.

Oui new fellow -subject, the Boer, will probabh test the national philanthropy to its limit. All of him will have to be gi\ en supeiintendente' billets if Britain doe-nt want to offend him. A propos, a tale, is being told which is so charactenstio tliat it should be true, about four star\ ing Boers, w ho appealed to an Knghsh resident at Wynberg for a jab Of course, he gave them one, and fixed tlie wages at a da> They wcie put on to a mealee patch to lioe it At 10 o'clock on the first day the l 'bos&" went out to see how the woikmen were getting on They weren't on the soil but tour Kaffirs weie hard at work Questioned the darkies intimated that the white baas" had offered them 2s ftd a day and a search levealed four of the afoiesaid white baas" under a neigh bounng hedge, smoking hea\ih, and pla\ mf pokei ' h\eivboth ha.s his own idea during the lat campaign as to the best methods of ensnanng the thieepenny lodent A borough councilloi in a neighbouring tow n sa\ s that a zmr-lmed case, a brick, and some water are the finest implements a rat catcher can use Put the brick in the* bottom of the case, and fill said case up with water brick high. Place a healthy rat on the island. Ke will squeak His friends will come on lesoue bent, and when they cannot rescue they will hist squeak invites to other victims Forty-eight rats were, on one night "taken" by that councillor Another cunning dodge was that of a local citizen who half-filled a big stable bucket with water scattered about two inches of chaff on top and a handful or two of com. A rat that thinks he knows a bucket of good horsefeed when he sees it "falls in " The Government aie so satisfied with the experiment of prison labour for tree planting at Waiotapu, that they have decided to increase the number of men This comes from an official souice The Government however, does not offoi ,in\ inci eased facilities to misdemeanants to be included in the arboricultuia] department Perhaps if it offeied prizes to the gentleman who piecented the finest specimen of a black eye to the police, or a purse of sovereigns to the smartest crib-cracker or a piar\ei-book bound in red levant, to encourage the wife-beating industry, or a set of cirvers to the gentleman who left his horse starving for the longest period they might increase the numbei of people engaged m tree planting Theie is a wide field o^en to gentlemen of cneagv m the Government ai hours and with 'internal foresight, it is a«k1112. foi the co-operation of the people • • » Michael PolonoN was char-red at the Police C'ouit thi^ morning with being diunk for the 198 th time So tin papets aie fond of telling us That's all aou know about him if you do not attend Court The other morning, howe\er C'ouit loafers had to thank Mi and Mi* Polonev for quite a heart"*, laugh Michael appeared with part of his ear resting on his shoulder, an and patch where once giew luxuiiant whisker a tinted setting to a liqmd eve and a <-uit of clothes that looked like a rag health-rug. Mis. Poloney was merely sufteung from a contused eve. The action wa« brought by the lady Do aou mean to tell me," queried his J.P - ship that this physical wreck ga\ c Miv that black-eye 5 " "Sure vei Woiship he wasn't the physical wreck till aftei he fave me the black -eve.'" pleaded the female Polonev and then the C'ouit loafeis drowned the rest in audible smiles \ bull-necked cross-questioner m a Southern Arbitiation Court collided with a dull thud against a mild-mannei-cd \\ ltne^s the othei day He had duh ioduced two othei labouring witnesses to a condition of semi-imbeciht\ . and the thud man was put into the box The witne^ in reply to the loud question as to whethoi lie was a labourer said he ceitamh was a woikmaai. 'You're familial with the use of the pick and shovel '■'" tlien said the questioner who in earK life had gained a notonet% foi fluenc\ in the fish trade. The mild man he was, but that those were not the implements of his trade The bo\ine cio^-quchtioner got wild "What ai<> the implements of your trade?" lie loaied The mild man, who is one of the most eminent architects in tho South meielv said he wouldn't understand their use if he was told The bully pel listed ''Well brains " murmured the haia^sed one and even tho president smiled into his wig j. ♦ ♦ Dm ma the luncheon adjournment at the Police Couit one morning this week two of Wellington's best-known wearer* of wigs enteied into a warm discussion on the. ments of a case in which «*hev li ad been opposed Both w-eie coriect in then mew's so the\ said, and the clean-shaven one, who is first a "sport" and afterwards a lawyer, asked the beaied. bairister if he would bet on it That hit the other man in a soft spot 'No no T won't bet on it," he said hut I'M tell you what I'll do I'll take an oath on it " Shade* of Eldon

A Poneke lesident, whose gastiononncal feats aie the pride and envy of his "set," is horribly frightened that he will go off to othei worlds like a pricked balloon, pei medium of apoplexy some of these dayb He had d dull, aching pain at the back of las neck the other day, and he thought his time had come. He felt so bad, indeed, that he barely touched the se\ enth course ait dinner, and quite a lot of whisky was left in the decanter aftei the meal was over. He rang up all the doctors on the list, but they were all out except one. "Can Dr. ZZ — ■ — come at once ?" he moaned anto the receiver. ' No, sir " said the Doctor's man seti\a.nt, "he can't, but he will send his accomplice " And really the gentleman will own that a little bloodshedding wouldn't harm him. Told bv a more oi le&s lehable tiavellei that the drivers of the Wairarapa trains, hearing the news of peace at Kaitoke, played tunes of joy on their w histles, imitating roosters, and gave an ear-piercing concert going up the Runutaka incline. Seems that the engines were so overjoyed that they lost all fchear steam in whistling, and the passengers celebrated peace in. a storm of sleet, half-way up to the summit, while the engines ' lay to," knocked off whistling, and made enough steam to get ahead The passenger aforesaid remarks, that while there wasn't much music m the trio of engines, the row was "chock full of sentiment." Wailu, the newly-fledged boiough, where gold is freely used in solution foi overcoming dipsomania, has its humorous episodes. When Walter Phillips, the first mayor, was being banquet ted the other night, a gentleman who would peg out anything with mud stone, gold, or gum in it, broke in, and, in a confidential tone, infoiined the ciowd that he had a real good thing with gold as thick as 'spuds" up his ,slee\e Wheio could lie get his trial

load crushed? Chaiiman did not know, and the gold-finder meandered out. Later, he returned, after having unsuccessfully tried to "float" in the neighbouring hotels, and demanded of the Lady who was singmg a patriotic song an answer to his previous query. Then they told him that it was not a meeting of shareholders, or peggers-out oi special claims, or snappers^-up of unguarded patches of alleged aunferousne&s. So, the disturber demanded to know why the meeting had Minerb 1 Union on its window, and escaped <xnl> vi time 'to prevent the guardian of the bar door from shutting him out in the thursty night. <• «■ * An up-country paper punted a "Sedogram" from, Africa recently as, under — "Mi Seddon was accompanied m an inspection of the Eighth Contingent by Generals Hamilton, BadenPowell, Wilson, and Colonel Thorneycroft. He did not want better men under him." It is obvious that some lines are left out, but lots of people will accept it as read A Thorndon lady, who had expended a couple of guineas with Madame Maniski, the eminent palmist, and who had been told that she would marry a dark man with black eyes, was not quite sure about the bona fides of her "reading," as she is already married to a fair softgoods man with cerulean orb&, and has four children. When she returned home she asked her husband if he believed in palmistry, as she was a trifle uneasy about those expended guineas. Hubby reckoned there was a lot in palmistry , by merely glancing at a fnend's hand the previous night he was enabled to predict that lie would soon be richer bv £10 tkan ho at n resent was. Wifev asked if theie was anything striking about that friend's hand. ''Well, yes, T guess there « as it consisted of four aces