Entre Nous

Free Lance, Volume II, Issue 87, 1 March 1902, Page 12

Entre Nous

WKLLINGTON has been ha\ 1112, its sins brought vei\ vividh betoie it dunng the past week 01 so At least, if am at the sins mentioned by the various lewvahvbs ht tins paitioulai spot, the people aie welcome to their pick of them. What with Dr Grattan Guinness, Mr L>all. C omnussioaer McKie all lousing the people to a sense of their shortcomings with the verbose Woolley, and the lady lectuier Florence Baigarme looming up 111 the near future, Wellington cannot help feeling that the social scrubbing-biush is being applied on a spot that tho social scrubbeis deem to be especially in need of it * * * We don't doubt but that, m mam cases the religious exaltation obtained by fluent evangelists is a permanent thing with some converts. Di. Gumness has made certain local converts, whom no milder means would probably have touched, and the burning words of his brother evangelists have induced others to reduce the revenue on alcoholic beverages Overflowing meetings emphasise the need for the rapid construction of the lotjii Hall, a place where all the people who feel themselves in need of advice may go and where a decent crowd may congregate when patriotic fervour stirs them to protest against am thing en masse. * * * The sudden stoppage of the Post Office clock and its chimes on Wednesday morning produced any amount of surprise parties in town Between eight and nine o'clock and foi some time afterwards you might have noted the dependants upon that clock and its sonorous chimes hurrvuig to work 111 more or less disa.rrav and with flushed cheeks and anxious expression You see they were behind tune and were either casting up the chances of dodging the boss," or framing a plausible excuse for their dilatoriness Just because of that confounded clock knocking off work without notice quite a large number of bold adventures were made into the realms of fiction in the Bis Buildings and throughout the city And 'tis said the number of sudden illnesses reported to have taken place within home circles that particular Wednesday mommg would if counted up burst up all previous recoid« * • ♦ In this connection au eminent citizen tells a good story relating to himself which he assures us is Gospel truth Many years ago he held a ceitam post 111 Wellington under the Government It was connected with tho Legislatuie He knew that he wai to be on duty in the House 0110 da\ at a particular hour The clock went

wrong;, and lin got to the office considerabl\ late His chief was a regular martinet tor preciseness and liorror ot horrors said chief had gone on to do his subaltern's turn. But the young man was not dismayed He lias been m mam a tight on rue i m his time, and haw come through all light He sailed in to the relief of his chief with a beaming face, ignoring the look of thunder, grasped the disengaged hand of Ins cluet with impulsive joy and m a tremulous voice, whispered, "Congratulate me dear Mr. Blank it's a bo\ '" * * * Of course, the congratulations werp promptly tendered, and the reeoid on the slate was spunged out without a word It was years, often wards before the chief heard how he had been taken ill There had been no domestic event But, bv the time the murder was out the man who rose equal to the emergoncv had graduated to another sphere of usefulness. * * * When the Imperial troop? visited Masterton, some twelve months hack, they were right royally received and entertained Through some bungling there was a considerable deficit when the time came to "square up " and there have been wigs on the green in conseuqonce. It appeal's that the last has not yet been heard of the matter winch is being revived b\ certain tradespeople instituting proceedings against the committee that was ipsponsible foi the expenditure inclined and that has not vet been met Future de\elopmeirtswill be watched with interest *■ * * A well-known local doctor is not telling the stoi\ , but a "dear friend" tells it for him A rheumatic individual iecenth approached the medico and waved a common 'spud" in his eves. What the mischief are you doing w ith that " he queried. 'Oh, that's mv ll enmatic charm." ' Fud^e. You're not such a. fool as to believe in charms, are \ou' J " Well. I've paid you a good mam fat cheques to cuie a disease \ou don't seem to know anything about and now I'm going to give the .spud a chance." Doctoi's name plea.«e ' * * ■* Quaint defence of a prisoner m diecent ease, in which he was alleged to have assaulted the police while in the execution or their duty " I ~ave no tiouble " he said "he just knocked me down picked me up. and took me " That's a wav they have in the force It is not gentle but considering the. persons usually to be dealt with it is doubtful if gentler measures would be more effective To be knocked down picked up and then detained for the night is an experience winch should teach caution * * * Duimg a recent fire m a town not unknown to Wanarapians a seivantlady heaved her box out of a two-stoi^ window and it fell with a dull sickh thud on the head of the local bobb\ The officer rearranged his shako and his hair, and asked what the mischief tho lady meant bv trowing" things aiound like that The sen ant lad\ ha.s sent a grateful note to the authorities foi consideiatelv saving hei property fiom deduction b\ bieakmg the fall theieof.

Aiaminta ■ Yes, cleat Papa, you must really get to know him at once, so as to invite him up. Our party ivill be quite tame without him. He is in great demand. Gwendoline • Don't delay about it, Papa. His ping-pong playing is simply divine. And unless you make haste he may be starting for Home, you know. Tlwy do say he has entered fo> the Ping-Pong Championship, which is to be the (peat " draw "at the Coronation. And he may actually play with King Edward or King Dick, or the other Royalties.

The Mnuitei of Eduiation What*- yoia trouble, my (food woman ? Tuberculoth in the public i< hnoh ' Nnn^eyite ' ' 1 have no official knowledge of it. Hmv therefore can it en\t ' And if it should break nut, why then, of count, I'll stamp it out in one ait — by oidcthv) an official tepoit. Yet, by Jove, there's notlnnq lihe ay official tepoit.

The Wellington Physical Training School is ambitious. It has recently imported a ma/n who will probably reform physical culture. The little man's name is Dove> , and lie is five feet ot solid muscle. From an early age he laboured religiously to obtain an eighteen, inch biceps, and in 1887 he took first prize for all-round gymnastics in that great "gym" in London — the Polytechnic, especially distinguishing himself on the bars, rings, and with Indian clubs He made a careful study of plnsical culture and became a professional with the most gratifying lesults * * * He is something more than a tnckster and ha.s instructed hundreds ot young collegians who are now physicalh fit to carry arms for the Empire in South Ahiea He is particularly proud of the fact that he was instructor to that great educational establishment Harrow College for seven years to the Harrow Mission Club for eleven, and to eight or nine other institutions for many years. One need not fear but that' the Wellington Physical Training School has a man who will carefulh develop the full physical powers ot each individual pupil. The cultivation b\ systematic methods, the releasing of hampered muscles, and the restoration of physical health to the debilitated are" on his programme, and he will tiv to play that programme through He ha.s been instiumental in swelling, the muscles of princes of the royal blood and peeis of the realm. Dusky aristociats fiom India have put on inches under his tuition and there are officers in out Army who, previous to the administration of Dovev were phvsiealh incapable of beanng arms. Thiee hundred pupils a week at Harrow is rathei a record and it is Mr Dovey's. He knows the drill book better than a returned contingenter. and he has hi^ keen e\e on easos of weak physique that he feels himself able to cure Mr Dovev is conceded to be an easy first a^ fai as colonial physical culture mstiuctois are concerned. The advent ot a man who is not only a fine gymnast bur a finished exponent of the most modem «chool of physical education, is one that should induce parents to whom the plnsicjiie of their maJe and female children is of importance to give them tlio benefit of a system of which the new I\ -arrived instructor is such visible testimony ♦ * # In one of our most go-ahead country townships, not more than a hundred miles from Wellington, a little story is going the rounds concerning one whose level-headednes= ought to have stood him m better stead Rumour has it that the gentleman in question arrived home rather late on a recent evening with the fable' that he had been attending some particular function hence his delay But good fortune was against him as another member of the household happened to have been a performer at the same entertainment When, anxious inquiries were made by the better half of No.l as to the presence of No 2, it is said the former was quiteunable to remember the attendance of the latter But when the local paper affirmed the statement of No. 2, No. 1 found himself in the "mire " and ever since he has been shown the "rounds" of that happy little home We hear that at the present time he is thinkingup a better tale for use next time

The vagaries of the wire! The owner of a well-known racehorse, who lives in the Wairarapa, is at present on a visit to Wellington. During his absence the horse a fretful brute, had his eye knocked out, either by a horse fiend or by accident. The lady suspected the former, and wired to her husband 'Paddy has had his eye knocked out , am putting police on." When the office got the wire, one of the staff broke it gently to the owner thusly "Sorry to be the bearer of ill tidings, Mr. P , but your little son Paddy has had his eye knocked out. and Mrs. P is putting poultices on." * * * A local citizen, who does something tow ards raising the tone of polo at Miramar, has a new office boy. It! seems that on the occasion of the last practice match the worthy citizen left bhe office hurriedly for the scene of the padded goal posts. He left instructions that if a certain client called the youth was to tell him that he was away on most important business." The client called ' Mr. Blank is away on most important business at the polo match at Miramar," said the boy aoid that, is why there is a vacancy in the office for a client and a boy. * • • I stood on the floor at midnight, as the clock was striking the hour. With my first-bom wailing loudly, with a w ail of a ten-horse pow er. Wlnle I trudged with a chilly shiver, and thought of those other years v\ lien I greeted hapn V fathers with unsympathetic jeers. And never again, oh, never' will I dare to show my nose As long as my "face has scratches, to tell aloud my woes . I engage m'sad reflection, as Clyde Quay-ward I go, For I thmk of the night before me with its pacings to and fro ! * ♦ • At Chnstchurch recently the usual patnotic Contingent banquet disclosed the unusual and original speaker. The chairman, in a burst of polished rhetoric submitted the toast of the "Army, >«a\y and the Reserve Forces." He said This is a toast which requires \ erv little comment from me, as the subject is one with which you are all familiar. The Army and Navy have been drunk for more years than we can remember, and tlie Reserve Forces have now been drank for something over thirty years." And a fiery-looking old reservist, with a quarter of a dozen medals rose wildly, and demanded an apology from the unconscious libeller. * * ♦ A barmaid in one of the hotels of a certain Northern city received a terrible fright on a recent Sunday morning. It appears that before anyone had risen she hied her to the bathroom. and, after a warm ablution, screwed up her hair, donned a garment and a towel, and bolted for her room. Half-way. she saw a thief purloining something from the pantry. Now, here was a dilemma. If she kept quiet the thief would get away, and if she raised the alarm the thief — unhappily a man — could not fail to notice her. She kept quiet, and later on explained to the landlord her experience. Whereupon, Boniface was irate. "Why didn't you chase him!" said he. "What l " said the barmaid , 'chase a man in — oh ' I never heard of such a thing." Ever since then she takes along a full outfit, and is prepared for all emergencies.

*~ The new cable car? ou the Kelburue tramway have become so suddenly popular, despite unnecessary danger predictions, that a good many people took to the niew form of amusement on Sunday, and travelled up and down all theafteinoon. Some people, however, who are possibly not used to steep giades, became unnecessarily alarmed, and, as alarm is like the bubonic plague — epidemic, several of them on one louiniev jumped from what they deemed danger into safety. One Civil Service gentleman unfortunately jumped the wrong way, and the floor of the tunnel rose up and smote him badly. And an eldeirly lady, also' needlessly affrighted, jumped tihe same way as the gentleman Keally, it is a good deal safer to trust to tihe car than to infirma terra as the precautions taken to ensure stoppage m case of breakages are of the best There are steeper grades than Kelburne whereon no accidents, due to the apparatus, harve ever taken place. * * * Quite a startling little contretemps took place in a large Southern city during a recent fire. The Brigade, with its usual promptitude, were on the spot just as the flames burst out of the second story window of the burning hotel The first fireman into the burning building encountered a young and beauteous lady whom he tried to rescue. She refused to be rescued, saying she was going to save the poor children. She ran rapidly to the "child's" bedroom, and put her arm round the iieck of the sleeping occupant of the room. "It's all right dear!" she said, but when the child arose and disclosed the face of the pubhcan, she just resigned her attempt at rescue and herself into the saving arms of the fireman The young lady is not telling this little tale to everyone, but a dear friend to whom she disclosed it has parted with the yarn in strict confidence • * * There was fun in a Newtown by-way the other night. Sounds of argument and the bang, clatter, and crash that usually accompany domestic debate had attracted a crowd to the front gate of a small cottage. The cottage presented an undisturbed front and a smiling exterior, but the uproar within belied its peaceful and pleasant expression and suddenly the front door opened with a great racket, and a large wire cage containing a shrieking and hysterical parrot was hurled into the road It was followed by a w lcker cage containing an infuriated cockatoo, that blasphemed aloud. • * * Then came a large, fluffy cat hurtling through the atmosphere, followed bv an over-fed pug dog with a blue ribbon round its neck This was follow ed b\ a cage containing tw o lo\ c birds a pet rabbit in a candle-box, and a big whito rat. An elderly woman came out presently, and began to gather up all these belongings, and, while she sympathised over her yelping pug dog a totdl stranger stepped up and said Youi son-in-law doesn't seem to be fond of animals, ma'am?" 'Mmd voui own business," snarled the owner of the menagerie, but the guess was a good one. It was a dead hit • • * It is understood there was a pretty lively scrum m a leading Newtown thoroughfare one fine evening this week. The parties to the match were to have stood in the relation of father-in-law and son-in-law. But father-in-law heard something which caused him to suddenly change his mind And the younger man went up for an interview after freely informing his chums in town that he meant to ' make the old man toe the mark. 1 ' Subsequent accounts of the affray agree that the old man did toe the mark all neht The only difference is that the one-time son-in-law proved to be the mark that he toed. There was some talk of a court case over the affair but the defeated scrummer has made up his mind that further publicity is unnecessan ♦ » • A local mfcdico renowned for lus veracity, is telling a little story about his two young hopefuls He keeps the usual articulated skeleton in his cupboard for scientific purposes but he also kept the fact of its existence a profound seoret. One wet day last week the said hopefuls, on a tour of inspection, found the ' skellington " Th little girl was very scared. "Why does papa keep that horrid old skelhngton °" she asked. 'Oh " replied her brothi r, "I 'specs it's his first patient'" ♦ * * Some peculiar accidents happen occasionally to people who are addicted to the habit of wearing false teeth A local barber was lathering a man the other day, when the latter sneezed, and in doing so dropped lus illegitimate molars. Trying to save them, he opened his mouth, and as the knight of the razor had been keeping briskly at work, the brush went into the open cavity and the gentleman in the chair got a beautiful mouthful of soap Hia spluttering and swearing caused intense ] amusement to the waiting assembly, but he took it in good part merely remarking that his new "sharpeners" were not as reliable a« the old

Tired Bill Motnin', gm'nor. We 'eats as'ow i/ou'ie a haskiny foi hadvue and Junfo) motion about tlie gaols. Ton ivants to liimprove 'em, eh } So doe; yne and my chums 'e>e — don't we, mates ' We be</s to >ecommend a h'eiffht 'o»?s ivoihintf day, a weekly 'a> f-'ohday, and a night out fo> the theayte) every now and then. dentli' Joe . Yes, and ue uould like to chouse oin t>ades, d'ye see. And we wants bettei wittles, ami m<»e on 'em. Also, ue ob/etts to so much confinement. It's a hin/etiny oio 'ealth. Fact is, ue can load you right up with 'ints a7id hmfoi matwn.

Waihi, the towu of the record mine, formerly allowed to exist by its little neighbour Paeroa, the headquarters of the County Counoil, is now looking around for mayors and councillors It has a prominent townsman already as town clerk m the peison of Mr A Y Ross, who knows the locality of every smell in the place, every chasm in the streets, the depth of mud on every sidewalk, and the pedigree of most Waiheathens. The importance of the fact that Waihi is now a borough, and that it has cut the apron-strmgs that bound it to good old mother Paeroa. cannot be over-estimated. There are at least 2000 suitable men for mayor in the new city and each one's qualifications are so transcendent that the election should prove one of the sporting events of modern times. *■ * * ''Over and over again, in the early days of the war. the flash of the Britisli officer's sword made him the keen Boer marksman's prey." So says a country paper. It will interest that paper to know that the 10th Hussars, the first troop captured in the war, and all of whom, of course, carried swords, had hilt and scabbard painted khaki before war was declared. They were in garrison in Ladysmith for two years nrevious to the outbreak. Only artillery and oavalrv officers have worn swords at all in the war, and as, except in one or two cases of close quarters, they have never been drawn how they should have been marks for Boer bullets is not cleai *■ * * An elderly lady, who figures prominently before a Southern S.M. for frequent lapses from the path of alcoholic abstinence, made another appearance reoentlv. It was not ever thus Her latest lapse procured her free pas-sas;e

from the scene of her thirst and the Magistrate's Court in the Government conveyance ' made and provided" m these matters. Evidently, inklings of earlier and better days strove for mastery in her head. "Home John, home'" she called, putting a battered bonnet, with a swollen head in it, oirbside the "barouche," and only when the collection of small boys jeered did sihe realise that the corpulent constable on the box \ra& not the liveried servant who obeyed her lightest behest twenty years ago. * * r Vide ' Tunes" "A large audience was attracted to the Skating Rink last night to listen to the lecture on 'Peru,' delivered by the Rev. Grattan Guinness. The lecturer's word pictures describing his traveb across the Ganges and INTO THE BASIN OF THE AMAZON were most interesting, and the lantern-shde illustrations, by which his remarks were illustrated, were distinctly instructive. Dr. Guinness made it plain that a huge area in these regions lies untouched by missionary effort, and he made a strong appeal for volunteers for service in those dark and distant lands." A remarkable journey, indeed ' • * * Js.P. at Rotorua recently determined that roasting horses alive was a bad thing for the roaster's pocket, and fined the man who objected to jibbers £3 ' The moral effect of a fine of £3 on a man who was fiend enough to "ile a bonfire of ti-tree under his team will probably deter him sufficiently long to keep him from atrocities until his horses stick him up again. The local paper offers. as a sort of excuse for this man, that he was ' in despair," because his horses refused to pull.