Entre Novs

Free Lance, Volume II, Issue 78, 28 December 1901, Page 12

Entre Novs

WAIHI, the oity of the record mine and the record smell, is having a bad time at the hands of critics just now One of the most thriving towns, m the Noitli Island, as far as business is concerned it is run" by & County Council headquartered at Paeroa, fourteen miles away, and containing less than a quaiter its population. Some time ago a reckless citizen, who hated to see his customer*, w ading in mud up to his premises, laid down an asphalt footpath. For three days no one crossed that footpath for fear of damaging it — it looked so nice ' * • ♦ Waihi is Neapolitan in its smells. Absolutely nothing is done for it bj the County Council, and the people are rising en masse and demanding a borough Naturally , the one-horse town oi: Paeroa which is the "capital" of the county — and contains the lawyers — is averse to the idea, but Waiheathens, who will certainly obtain what they are battling for, intend having a New Zealand Ballarat at. the Upper Thames, and are to be commended for their endeavours to get rid of street pitfalls and insanitary odor*. * » • There is a story told of an old gravedigreer in the South, who was very much addicted to inquiring after sick people. Sor'eone told him old Brown was very digger with feeling, ' I am sorry to hear ill. " "Poor man 1 " emulated the gravedigeer with feeling, "I am sorry to hear it. but I just hope he'll hover till once the frost breaks " * * t The Americans, amongst other things, have captured the windmill industry of New Zealand, so a prominent manufacturer of the article at Christchurch says. In fact, as he pointed out to the Conciliation Board, he is about the onh representative of the industry left "A case of the survival of the fittest," smiled the chairman "In a short tim» said the windmill gentleman, "theie will be no fittest at all." * * *• At last a woman lias discovered a man under the bed ' She haxl looked foi him for 33T.vears in fact, right up from her twenty-fifth birthday, and had never found him. But this time she made up for all these weary years of fruitless 9earch She got a whip to work on the interloper, and finished him off with a broomstick The local constable did the re^t • » • The small Wellington boy is eminently practical, and the specimen of the genus who watched the Wellington-Oan-terburv match, on the Basin Reserve, will surely make, his mark The Canterbury bowler Frankish had mowed down three Wellington wickets for successive "ducks " and the team was leaving the ground To them the small boy said "Why didn't you blokes keep on a few minutes longer then yon would have been able to go home bv tonight's boat?"

An awkward contretemps. She had been playing divinely" on her piano roi several months, but is not playing to very large crowds any moie. You see, she was so nervous that her piano was screened from the ga.ze of her friends She could play an\ thing ' But only on her ow n beloved instrument One evening last week, w hale the lady was pouring soulful melody out of the screened instrument, a mouse rushed across the keyboard She left her piano, and wildly rushed out into hei drawing-room. The pia.no went on playing' The pianola attachment was the reason of the lady's exquisite skill » » » At last they have proved that the sea serpent exists "A photograph cannot he," and the dread denizen ot the deep lias been oinematographed An American company has the film but the said company does not say m what waters the creature was, photographed. A rival show explains — An india rubber snake floated on a tank or real water, which was kept agitated to oonvev the notion of waves The horizon was painted on canvas, w hile the stem of a small model s-hip wais maide to swing round on a pivot so as to show by comparison with its dimensions the enormous length of the "sea serpent " The indiarubber thing was caused to raise its head suddenly, as if alarmed, and then to divo by meians of wires The eftect is wonderfully realistic, it is said, but it rs not the sea serpent ' We would advise a,ll persistent dipsos who "see things," to keep aw r ay from the Opera House when that sea serpent cinematograph comes along * * •* There is a man who has heap& of friends. He also has plenty of money. Perhaps, this accounts for the friends. He thought he would test the genuineness of those friends, and sent letters to a couple of dozen of them for the loan of a modest note. Most of them hadn't got a, bean." • Others, who were always on hand when our experimentalist wanted to "shout," flatly refused. Some promised to send it in a day or two," and the only impecunious one sent along his last ten bob." The would-be borrower is now rid of a eood main friends, and spends a gieat deal more money on himself than form01 Iv • • • Theie is a 'right coloui' man anxious for a permanent billet, who advocates the appointment of a salaned Inspector of Cats." He argues that as the rat is an acknowledged distributor of plague, and for centuries these vermin have found a resting place in the harmless necessary cat" which frequents the household fire-side, and is caressed or has its tail pulled by the baby it is very necessary that an inspector should see that the public safety is safeguarded. He refers to the history of I>ick Whjttington as showing the im,portan,oe of cats, and subistantiates hjp claim with reference to many nursery rhymes, declaring also that who^e. WJpttington was knighted, similar honours \k%ve been conferred less. • • • The success of New Zealand spring chickens in London has boosted the hen raisung industry along, and our count n* cousins are filled with a spirit of emulation to excel the percentage of then neighbours. A Karori lady was telling it in town th eother day that a certain Doiking lien had returned 100 per cent of chickens "last setting." 'Returned 18 chicks from 18 eggs," she said 'Yes" said the infant ternble "and one of 'em was a stone 'un "

Somewhere up in the Manawatu tlie,\ are trying to revive the old question, "Is Marriage a Failure?" Her" 1 followeith the opinion of a bush dairy farmer Why there's my wife, who gets up in the morning, milks six cows, gets breakfast, starts four children to school , looks after the other three, feeds tl'o hens, likewise the hogs, likewise son 11 ' 1 motherless sheep, skims twenty pans rf milk, washes the clothes, gets dinner etc. Think I could get anyone to >!•■> it for what she gets? Not much! Mar riage, sir, is a success — a great success." The agile insurance agent is ' de*»<l dein" the Workers' Compensation Act." He is filling up the minds of employers v ith the dread things that will happen under the influence Of course., the Act merely makes it necessary for the employer, for his own protection, to insure his men, and his liability ceases But a gentleman who is noted for the largo business he does for a. great insurance company is telJing employers that "if 1 man employed by you gets up a ladder to mend a spout, and falls down and breaks his leg he wQI get your farm, and you will will have to clear out." Many a man has since been looking for an accident by means of which ho may annex his boss's farm.

There is a hotel hall porter who is looking for another situation. Just a few nights ago, a certain cricket club, who w ere holding a meeting there, had not finished their business at closing time. Mr Publican is usually the most prompt of men, and he sent the newman down to "see if there was a policeman about." In a minute he returned with the policeman ' "Here he is, Mr. Nobbier." Tableau' * • The strides science has made during the last decade have been marvellous. If it had not made the s'aad strides the learned ones of Auckland could not have identified a heap of bones excavated at Paeroa as belonging to a defunct moa. Tins they proved beyond th#> possibility of a doubt, until the man on whose premises they were discovered says he buried a cow there a, few years since Naturally, the scientiste are annoyed that a cow should have gone and died without consulting the Auckland scientists as to her place of burial. A popular minister (a Scotsman), in one of our largest suburbs, on a recent Sunday, had occasion to quote from Tennyson's "Idylls of the King," in on* of his oratorical flights, and, in doing to characterised the quotation as one pf the finest writings in the English language. Just then he happened to catch the eye of on© of the congregation, who is an orthodox and patriotic Scot. The eloquent preacher at once corrected himself, and said ''British language," which caused a smile to come over the stern faces of many of his hearers. That orthodox Scot,* for whom the correction wa^ made, now swears his "meenister" is the best preacher in the district by a long chalk • • • A^ Wellington girl who played golf, Would toss her hat coquettishly olf T She erot in the rain, And I mention witli pain, That she now has a) horrible coif. * • • The gentleman of whom the joke it told is not specially pleased about it. He attended a fancy-dress ball when on a visit, along with his wife, to a northern town not long ago, and, unfortunafcel' tore th<? silken knee breeches he \\ as w earing. His wife took him to an ante -room, procured the necessai \ articles, and the detached breeches, and started to repair the rent. Two ladies approached, and itihe only exit was a door. Through it the lady hurried her spouse, locking it on him. One mom en* only elapsed; then he yelledOpen the door, Jane, quick, for hearen's sake open, you've shut me in the baJl-room'" He can hardly appear on the Quay now without someone asking if it w as really true.

It was the first tame Johnny had ever neen pipes, and the Southland Pipe Band was giving a few selections on the wild pibrooh. Johnny was interested. "Pa," hie said, "what are these things the m«n are squeezing under their arms," "Bagpipes, Johnny." "And does it hurt tihose things when the men bite them p " "No, my son " "Why do they squeeze them, dad?" "That's music l " "And do they play real tunes on them, too?" "Yes, that what they're playing now." "And is it difficult to play real tunes on bhem p " No, not at all, it's only difficult to recognise them." "And do^— " "Look here, my boy ' You shut up, and listen to the music " • « »• The pluck and rapid decision of '■he average colonial boy' Two Australian 'kiddies," twelve and thirteen >ea,rs o r age respectively, noticed two rabbits dead in a burrow One boy picked them out, and received a snakebite Othoi bo-v immediately made a string "tourniquet," and then chopped his brother's finger off with an axe. The boy recovered Another boy aged eleven, at Wargella, New South Wales, was ilso bitten tfh© same week His brother used a bootlace, and a pocket knife + o save his life. The boy howled ne.s-t day — which w r as Saturday — because hh father wanted him to stay indoors • » • The Maori constitution is prettr tough. A coloured gentleman at Matamata accidentally discharged his rifle, the bullet entered his leg, and shattered the bone. If it had been a British Army lee; it w r ould have been buried long ago. The Maori got home with the help of his mate, lay in bed, and "let. her rip " When he had endured agony enough, he got the bullet dug out of his dre>adful-looking limb, and is doing all rierht That Maori is now showing; that leg to tourists at a shilling a time.

Proud mammaas frequently trot out little Willies' wondrous ways, for tie amusement and instruction of a bored visitor. Such a mamma lives, m Uppei Willis-street. She was telling Mrs. Collar of New town, that her little Buller Baden Brown, her own little dar ling was such a clever child. He oould do anything. Such a kind heart he had. Really, you'd hardly beheyr it You could leave that adorable child with his infant sister for hours, and he d "take such oare of the wee mite Bui — ler!" the gentle lady cooed, 'are you minding the baby, my darling? "Yes mum lam I'se playing I'se a barbeand Iso shaving baby's head wiv pas razor " Dear, little innocent soul ' • • • The Americans are a great people, and a progressive people The latest legislative novelty in the Stato of New Jeisev is the compelling of married men to wear a badge setting forth their state It has been found that the average married man, away from home, 18 given to ensnaring the heart of single girls. That's all right, but is the übiquitous policeman to chase the unmarried man who walks in gentle dalliance with his adored one, and is it to be a common thing in America for a single man to carry his license to court around with him? ' The married man's badge is to cost four dollars It is anticipated by outsiders that the new legislation will enormously increase divorces, for, what wife will allow her husband to virtually assert per badge that he cannot be trusted ? There is an idea in the badge for the New Zealand gimlet brigade Cannot we have a Badge Bill first thing next session?

A well-known business man caused some little anxiety to the people of Seatoun a few days since. He was observed carefully wending Ins v> ay in a suspicious manner through the back streets of the village, clothed only m a pair of tattered trousers Transpires that he had been bathing, and that a party of dogs, out for a morning spree, saw in his leftoff garments the elements of much fun. They careered along the sands with his several garments in their teeth, and the dog with the pants was a particularly active canine. The gentleman, in a state of nature, laid himself out to capture the necessary articles, and he eventually succeeded His other garments have not yet been traced He takes a bag with him now on his morning bathing excursions, and he puts a quarter-hundredweight rook on top foi stray canines to play with • « • About six months ago an old business gentleman died. His young wife mourned to a prodigious extent On his tombstone she caused to be written the words "This sorrow is more than I can bear " Later, she went to the stonemason, attired in a summer costume and said, with some little hesitation, that she rather thought the inscription was not suitable. The stonemason understood "Why. that's easily arranged," said Mr Marbles 'I'll just add to the inscription the word "Alone." * * * On the only fine day during the present holiday season he and she were at Day's Bay, watching the sad sea waves, and reading poetry. He strung her hammock for her, and Bhe fell asleep over a book. Suddenly, she woke, and accused him of stealing a kiss. • Well, he said, "I will admit that, the temptation was too strong to be resisted I did steal one little kiss." "One '" she exclaimed, indignantly, "I counted eight before I woke up."

My little love in a hammock lay Up Kelburne way on a hot summer day, Her blue eyes closed, and her sunny head Nestling so lou on the cushion spread. Ah, dear little love, how sweet you look, All bv yourself in that quiet nook , Just one little kiss on those little lips, And another to match on your pink finger tips I softly approached and bent my head, And tenderly kissed those hps so red , My little love stirred, and sleepily said, Yon mustn't do that, my dear old Ted " I slowly and &adly turned away, And never came back another day What was it made mv heart like lead ? M\ name is Fiank and some other's is Ted' ♦ ♦ Told by a popular and higliiyplaced cleiic of the Anglican persuasion The saad par&on is the personification of kindness. He had a sea-far-mg friend at Timaru, who fell in the briny and got thoroughly soaked The saoking stopped his valuable watch The parson, who was going to Christchurch, said he would take the watch to that city, and get it fixed up He was so careful of his trust, that he took the case off, filled up the casing with finest salad oil, "to keep it from rusting," and handed it over to the Christchurch watchmaker That unkind horologist toJd his reverence that if he had left the watch in a puddle of salt water he oould not have damaged it to the extent he had in making a salad of it

The Society Girl. Slie sighed a little nervous sigh, She said "I'll rest me by and by," And then she girded up her stays And sought again those devious ways, That mark to suah a large extent The hours that lead us on to Lent. She went to luncheon at the B's, She played at ping-pong with the C'&, She sipped the "tea" at Mrs. A's, She dined in state at Mrs. J's, She joined the "box" of Mrs. I, And then she supped with Mrs. V, And when the dainty feast was o'er She stayed and danced till after four. 'Another day " she gasped, "is blent With those that down the highway went — I hope I will survive till Lent l " * « « A bold little brat, Always teasing the oat. And throwing the cinders about on the floor All dirty of face, And quite a disgrace — That is the urchin they're proud of next door ! A sweet httJe child. Good-tempered and mild, A ducky, a darling, a love, and a dear — All dimples and curls Rosebuds and pearls — That is the kind of small p^t we have here • • • At a teetotal lecture a few nights ago the lecturer was very earnest indeed. He really did think that beer was the great evil of modern times, and he said so in these terms • — "Oh, that cursed beer. that wretched beverage I wouldn't drink one glass to save my life." And the gentleman with what is now known as 1 the bubonic nose, piomntlv inquired " 'Owerver on uhiskv boss 9"

Widout a wurrd or a loie, the following as strictly in accordance wid the tract, the whole troot, and nothin' but the troot. So our friend Casey says anyway. Constable O'Corkoyou was giving evidene in the Courthouse of Pukemakerau, and .this is a bit of it — "Ay ver plaise, yer Worships, as I was going along my bate last night, about two o'clock this marnin', I saw the prisoner her lying on the broad o' his back in the gutther dead dhrunk and spacheless, and in a foithem, attitude, and sthating the word 'dhrunk' in a loud voice. 'Get up out o' that,' says I. He did not answer, hut merely sthated the word 'dhrunk ' "Get up out o' that,' says I -again, 'or I will knock you down. Then with great difficulty I surrounded him and bore him off to the watchliousp " The prisoner got seven days • • • A country schoolmistress has just had an amusing experience with a favourite pupil, a bright little maid of eight years. The class, for the first time, had been asked to write a composition at home, and to bring it for criticism the next day. Just after the f>ohool-bell had rung little Amy, panting and red-eyed, stumbled to her desk and dropped her face on her arms, her shoulders shaking with sobs. The mistress went to her, and sympathetically tried to find out what was the matter. Amid piteous sniffs and gasps she thought she caught the word "composition." "Didn't you get your work done Amy?" she asked, kindly. "Oh, yes'" sobbed Amy, in a burst of indignant grief "1 g-got it d-done, Misa Brown, but B-b-billy Smith's horrid g-goat chased me and ate it up '"

Our Cl Hist i lias nuiubei, although an exceptionally large issue was completely sold out by Monday afternoon, and many unsatisfied orders remain on hand Numerous inquiries are being made foi a second edition, and we take tlus opportunity ot stating that as we desiie to gi\ c our cmplo\ees the full benefit of the holiday s no second edition ran be issued We have to thank the office) s of the Manchester Umt\ ot Oddfellows Wellington Distnct, foi a copy of their handsome ■wall calendar We are in receipt of, and beg to coidialh reciprocate, the season's greeting"? and good wishes fiom the editor and staff of the Haw era "'Star " editor and staff of the Woodrille "'Examiner," the 'West Coast Times" Company Messrs. Dwan Bros Mr. P. R Dix Mr John A Ta-\lor(A Given and Son), and Mr Geo Robertson (distnct manager Government Life Insurance) All these favours are expressed in ta»steful fancy We also beg to acknowledge the receipt of a handsome lithographic Christmas card from the Hon C H Mills and Mrs Mills On the cover it hears a shield containing the portraits of Governor and Ministers, and inside the cover well-executed vignettes of the late Queen Victoria the present King and Queen, and the Prince and Princess of Wales The principal attraction in Wellington on New Year's Da\ is the snorts meeting of the Druids which will be held on the Ba«nn Receive commencing n+- 11 o'clock