Entre Novs.

Free Lance, Volume II, Issue 77, 21 December 1901, Page 12

Entre Novs.

A QUAINT mistake was made in the little township of Pohotumoho last week The. township has five women to one man, and the ladies of that settlement are frequently at their w its ends to muster enough males foi isocial functions The Ladies' Dramatic Club have no men m their ranks, and ladies fill the male pajrts, and the — er, garment*-. They are rehearsing for Christmas, of course, and, on the night jn question, the ladies — maJe and female — turned out in full dress The largest female of the Club is to be the policeman, and she cettainU fills the part well But— she journeyed home the other night inj that uniform. Suddenly wend figure darted lound the coiner of Rewi-street » • • 0)i, Mi Pleoeeman fathoi's, belting mother to pieces, come and stop him, will yer?" said a wild-eyed boy Mrs Policeman fled the other wa^ After he? chased the boy, with the juvenile male population of the town at her heels, yelllmg and shouting "Coward 1 The bloomm' trap's afraid Boo boo 1 " The lad\ actress found refuge in hei own home and the populace waited outside and cipated an uproar Soon comes along the legitimate male policeman, who had been careful K assisting at the closing of the licenced houses 'Fliwat's the matthei ?" # * * The boys told lum that a policeman was frightened of a tight, and had run into Mrs. B— '" house The sergeant's junior was on ms "bate " Could he have tinned cowaid 9 The sergeant would see He boldh entered the house and saw a ' man" in blue escaping up the stairwav He gave chase. A fenunine scream came from the ' constable'' not a bit like the Kilkenny purr of \oung Muiphy the thrap " At the head of the staii wav stood Mr B 'What d'ver mean sai , coming into mv house at this time of night chasing my wife 0 'Yei woife, Mist her B ? What the mischief is she dom' paradm' round in regimentals for?" Mr B-- - explained Mr B also fiied anathema and the contents of the watoi]Ug over the suiging crowd below The sergeant emerged without a piisoner. and to this minute Constable Murphy is getting his life made a peifect misery bv the bovs of Pohotumoho # • * A sensational e\ ent happened m a large northern to\ui a week or so ago without happih , any fatal ending In the mam street of the town a man appeared at the uppei-.stoiy window of a high builclmg, and prepared to commit suicide A small boy gatheied to witness it Soon his friend came While he divested himself of Ins collar, twenty people watched lum in breathless anxi<vb. his> tie collected twenty-five others, and, bv the time he had, so to speak, prepared for the final act of disrobing the whole town was asking him foi goodness sake not to " A little space was cleared, s^o that if he wanted to he could bump down clear of even thing The clock struck He prepared for the leap into etonut-s The crowd surged Then the intending suicide stood erect "Ladies and gentlemen," he said 'tomorrow I open this establishment with a large and well -assorted stock of groceiieR, at pnees that defy competition Thanks for \our kind attention'" # * ♦ It is reported that a leading officoi ou one of the w arslups m these waters will shortly lead to the altar an East Coast lad} of considerable chaims, and that this will be the thud time that the said Leading officer ha.s tied the knot No 1 was also from the F,ast Coast » * • A vein neat story is leported to us. It relates to a clergyman and a class — a Sunday-school olass — not many miles from the Wellington Post Office The class consisted of innocent - looking maidens of fifteen vears and upwards, aJl nice and prim an their Sunday frocks Not long after the opening of the afternoon school, the vicar made a visit as it is his custom to do just before the Christmas holidays During the course of an examination of the class of girls above mentioned, he asked what they thought was the best preparation for the sacrament of matrinioin The question seemed to stagger the young ladies, and for a minute there was an awkward pause till at last one of the eldest girls put up her hand and gave answer "A little bit of eourtinc. please sir "

Nothing new under the sun A a Italian general has just discovered an elaborate process for locating smokeless rifle fire. He is going to revolutionise warfare wrth it, and the hidden sniper will snipe in future with more dangei to himself. There, now ' Ordinary common Tommies found out, long since, that violet glass introduced into field glasses enabled them to see the otherwise invisible flash of thp tuneful Mauser It does not require a, couple of baggage waggons to carry round a bit of bottle, and the inventive general's complete mwha.njlsm will probably not be sold for the £2oO,000 he modestly asks • • • The newspapers of the colon v are mam of them girding humoroush and otherwise at the proposal to make a law that sha,Il force any publication to give the origin of its information A scribe tells us that should this queer suggestion become law dealers in other things than brainware should be brought under the Act. Take that mysterious compound the succulent sausage for instance, he says Purchases of it would be ticketed — Compound of JoneV eat and Smith's dog, 13£ per cent of mutton sciaps from Brown's sheep, and 3 per cent of «hin muscles hacked off the leg of Robinson's old cow • • » Or, the grocer would label his sugai — Essence of negro and cane «uear, procured from Queensland, containing; an admixture of Opunake sand Tea would be described as minced willow leaves harvested orobabh on the Waneranni Riv^r, and packed m a box from Cevlon with the aroma of a snr>erior blend of tea It is hoped New Zealand will be long spared from such a measure • • • This is a great oountrj democratic, aocaahstac, and advanced. Jack's as good as his master, and a good deal better than the "Guv'nmit " A propos, a working gentleman, who had plagued the said Guv'mmt for a job, and was put on the co-operative works, was despatched to the railway station nearest the seat of labour, carriage free and met by the foreman. Told to carry Ins "bluey" about a mile, lie refused, saying "that weren't m his contrack " It were not and the Mastrrton people had the extreme felicttv of seeing that particular working-man in the real of his swagcarrying "boss," with his hands buried in his moleskins, and his pipe m his teeth Surelv, there is a> seat m the 'Ousc vacant for the gentleman who knows so much about Law

It occuned in the Wairarapa, on a recent Sunday at one of the hotels in a well-known borough. The boarders were somewhat surprised at seeing on the bill of fare "Roast Jamb and mint sauce," which the cook had, they thought, lavishly provided. Their minds were, however, sooii set at rest by the waitress appearing with some tough old mutton. A spring poet thereupon hurriedly scribbled off the following, which was, in due course, passed round the table — Annie had a little lamb, It made the boarders weep, To see our Flossie trot along With some minted up old sheep. » « • As far as can be ascertained, oheie are no ladies in New Zealand whose everyday costume is a bran-bag, And whose method of getting a living an axe You must go to the great, iree glorious Commonw eailth for the lady axeman dressed m a sack. Mr. Peach, South Australian member, recently said that in Ins State many women were so habited worked for their existence chopping wood, and lived on wild rabbits Tins is m the working-man's paradise. Hurrah for freedom ' * • < A lady has discovered a good w ay to stop a horse w Inch as usually hard to catch All you have to do is to drill a hole in a bullet, thiead a few hairs of the forelock through it, and let the horse go If the horse gallops the bullet bumps him m the forehead, and he stops. A bullet has always been effective in stopping horses, but it generally does the dnlline; itself. The meanest man has at last been discovered. Othei meannesses are pallid m compaiison. He was a parson, and he wanted a watch. Mr. Grady's partialh -burnt-out shop attracted him, and he walked in. He found a good watch How much?" he asked. "Five pound, sn its original cost was £10." I'll gn e ou £3 10s," urged his reverence No, the jeweller was adamant O)i well all light I suppose I'll have tio take it " He wished to have it engraved and saad so Would the ens;ia\mg be included in the price of the watch 0 No, it would not- 1 It was too long m English, &o lie would have it in Latin It would cost less He would call m in the morning Thanks 1 Next momma; the gentleman in black called 'Oh I shan't want that watch, after all," lie said ' I'll be going home to Kngland in a few \ ears' time, and I'll px-t one then " Absolute fact

Heard on the Basin Reserve. A couple of men talking cricket, and discussing the man at the crease. "He doesn't play too well," said one. "Fact is, he's too busy to practice much." Oil, well," said the other, "if a man neglects cricket to attend to his business, what can one expect?" What, indeed ? How European travel does rejuvenate the palled man of business ! Fr'instance, one of New Zealand's elite., who is something in the ironmongery line, and rather a notability in Sunday-school circles, has been doing the lions of Europe. When he went to Europe business worries and thoughts of t"he possibilities of prophesied bankruptcy had turned his hair grey. To-day, his Parisian boll-topper ooyers ebon curls. His friends are still trving to solve the mvsterv. • • • What will not social soarers do f , r place 0 Related of a ladv, who resides within a few inches of Chnstchurch, that she recently forwarded a "small token of esteem" to Lady Hopetoun, Gov-erness-General of the Australian The lady required good white and black proof as to her position in the estimation o? the elite This was a year ago. Nc replv has been received, and the lady 's still without the pale * « ♦ The usual magnificent chess-boar-l pattern tourist descended on a small Southern town a few weeks ago, put up at the swell hotel, and commenced at once to astonish the natives by his brilliance. The hotel porter fetcW Johnnie's luggage from the station consisting of a huge Saratoga, bundle of wraps, golf sticks, bell - topper box gla-dstone, a,nd a small kopje of minor appurtenances. His lordship hande'l tjhe porter twopence 1 "What's this tor 0 " asked the porter. "Haw, me man, its a tip, doncherknow . " Hopes are entertained of the porter's recovery. • • • Which reminds us of a little, event that happened last Christmas. A coo meroial traveller from Home struck a certain bush town with one hotel, a store, and nothing much else, except a man who gazed out at tthe horizon m an abstracted manner "Just carry my portmanteau up to the hotel, my" man, an 1 I II gave yon a Christmas box." "Hewmuch ?" queried the man "Well ersaxpence " The man made no comment. The traveller carried his own portmanteau He asked mine host of the Bushmen's Arms who the street loafer was. "Oh, that's the Hon M bouthdown. Owns half this here eojjntry-side. and this hotel to boot." * » « A vimlpnt example of the snap-shot-tist is at present in Wellington, and is indefatigable m his search for subjects He pesters the life out of local celebrities to be 'took " The other day he approached a well-known divine, and \t last obtained his consent to photographically "shoot" him He got a result and sent a copv of the picture to the parson with the request that he would wute an appiopriate text on it, and return next day. The photograph, duly msenbod came to hand On it were the words of Saint Matthew "Be not afiaio it is I " * * • A Southern papei has scored a raoial ncton Said paper, in recording an accident, in which two men were concerned, remarked that fortunately both men were sober One of the parties concerned wrote angrily to that paper, and the trouble he took to say "of course he was" was pretty good evidence that he may have wandered from the narrow wav of perfect alooholio abstinence Thus the editor in next issue Wp started that fortunately both men were sober It appears tins statement ha.s given great offence We therefore beg to w ithdraw it " # * • A good story is being told at a local jeweller's, and the young man behind the counter maintains it is perfectly true The daughtei of a well-known citizen called in one day last week to look at articles of jewellery — "suitable as presents for a gentleman," she explained, with a blush Finally, she selected a very handsome cigarette case, in solid silver. The price ran into several pounds She asked for pen and ink, and produced a cheque book In due time the cheque was made out, and handed over to the shopman. "There is some mistake here, I think," he said, with a quizzical smile. "Indeed !" answered the lady, with rwrine: colour "Is that not the correct amount?" "The amount is all right," he smilingly replied. "It's the signature, I mean," and his face became wreathed in smiles. The young lady coloured up to the eyes "Let me see it," she demanded. "Oh, how stupid of me'" she added, aa she glanced at the paper. "I've given you the wrong slip " And another cheque was made out, and handed over The first one was inscribed "Your own little sweetheart "

oould say 'Jack Robinson" wo were dashing up the stairs. Di. Jones, the popular young gum-digger leceived us on the landing. He was examining a tusk which he hold in his forceps. "Don't be alarmed," lie said "the scrum is over It was onlv Di Find-

lay paitmg with lus wisdom tooth. Too much lecturing ua<3 the cause of the trouble " As we passed along Manners-street, we caught sight of Fred Haybittle, holding a holiday reception and guessed the royal hand was in requisition again In Cuba-street, we dropped into Te Aro House, to see our jovial friend William Smith the manager of the establishment We found, however we were rather "previous" in opening the door of his sanctum The five Smiths were closetted toejethoi 'Chris " \\ as m

the chair William (of Tc Aio House) was. oiahng and Councillor John, along with Ja,me& of the New House, and Ham (of 01J and coloui and bowling famo> were pa\inp; the greatest attention Come aw a '" said the shop-walker, in a peremptory whisper, "they musn't be disturbed This conference means much for Wellington They are forming 'The Great Smith Combine,' which wjl mn Cuba-street, and control all local enterprises Things w on't be slow then '" Taking a short cut back yia the harbour front, we saw Captain John Duncan busy dulling a naval contingent for South Africa Suddenly, a srteed went past like a lightning flash, with a familiar figure, riding well forward of the witheis ,i la Tori Sloan

It's onh P -U Baldwin," answered Santa Claus to our look of bewilderment. Don't you know he's forming a Hunt Club to hunt wharf rats so that the plague may not find a lodgment here This is "one of his display nights, when he practises fancy riding." Looking in upon John Hutcheson, M.H.R., upon our way, we found him busy upon a wholesale order of New Zealand flags for the Education Department, and full of ardour about the war. Mr. Benbow, of the South British, was descending the Post Office steps, with a small package in his hand

"Just been posting some letters informing friends of my luck " he said 'Guess I've checkmated Charlie Wilson this trip, all light What is it Whisper — It's Arthui Law's book' that he saved from the Oriental fire It's the only one extant Won't Wilson tear his hair when he hear^ of it 5 "

Never argue with a man about ?us hobby. We didn't A patter of steps upon the pavement and Colonel Hume came into view, can\>Liig a port-sammv and hurrying with all lus might towaids the whaif 'Up North 9 " we shouted Yes," he gasped. 'Lot of spieleis up there , want to keep my eye on 'em'" ' What's youi fancy for the Auckland Cup?" we yelled, but already he was out of ear-shot "Tho Colonel's a regular martyr to dutv," we observed to Santa Claus. ''Always travelling on public business at holiday time." "Yes." said Santa Claus, laconically, fancy I've seen him on the lawn before " E. F. Btillei was at woik m his rooms Actually photographing H. D Bell by flash-light As we ai rived he was giving a few r duections to his dignified subject "Put on a pleasant smile — ah

that's it — keep on smiling now tall I say 'when.' " We plainly saw we would be de trop, so did not wait. A figure in the cornei, that looked very like T. C. Williams, seemed to be waiting its turn. Evidently, a new edition of "Celebrities of Wellington" was being prepared foi some of the English zinesAt Bell, Gully, Bell, and Mjers' corner a group of the "Devil's Own" were laughing away at a great rate. It was Hugh Gully, just back from his travels, relating stones of "Gay Paree" to members of both Beach and Bar In the faint light we thought we could make out the figures of Sir Robert Stout, Magistrate Haselden and Messrs Skerrett and Atkinson, while scraps of French floated out upon the air Truly they were enjoying themselves Alfred Lindsay, of the Boot Emporium, button-holed us upon the Quay "Sten m and see my new pneumatic toe " he said 'It's the wonder of the age Makes walking the most exhilarating of pastimes " "Does it beat /he pneumatic heel?" we afeked — as we lingered on the door-stop 'Totalh " ho< replied with emphasis. Alfred was right Since we tried that pneumatic toe we've used no othei It's the swiftest thing out. Sounds of melody floated out from next door, and a curious crowd blocked the street traffic 'It's just wee Geordie Wright giving a treat to his bowling friends," explained Mr. McGlashan, the eminent violinist. "He's won the Whisky Bowls up at Thoradon for the ninth time, ye ken, and he's singing 'Scots Wha Hae' for the boys '' The audience was> large enouq-h, so we passed on. George Fisher sallied out of the pork butcher's, with a parcel under his arm. He hailed us. "Follow me'" he remarked , "great sport at the police station." We followed to the court-yard at the back It was a friendly match at quoits between Commissioner Tunbridge and Inspector Pender, and Detective Nixon (just recalled from Gisborne) was holdingr the stakes The Force, to a

man, had put their money on the Inspector, and over> "ringer" from the veteran provoked a round of cheers. E W. Kane was chalking up the score, and managing the show Mr. Loddci. of the City Buffet, carried us off to drmk '• Success to the Bellevuo Gardens " The Government, in the interest of the tourist traffic, winch «a,s enormous in that direction, had iust decided to run a short branch railway out to the front entrance

On our \\a\ we passed Mr. Joha Kirkcaldie and Father Plimmer in serious converse right out m the middle of the street, just opposite Kirkcaldie and Stains' great drapery establishment. Both Mr. Kirkcaldie and Mr. Plimmer were looking intently across the street. "There's a deal in this," said one of them," and we followed their gaze as the word "Manawatu" reached us. Across the street our eye lighted upon

Mr. T. G. Macarthy and Railway Manager Ronayne strolling along the footpath togethei puffing their cigars, and evidently on the best of terms. While we were stall watching them, Orton Stevens, in a hurry to catch his Hutt train, stopped to exchange compliments. "We've just fixed up that Greater Wellington scheme," he remarked. "And, by the way, they insist upon it as a condition precedent that I must be first mayor. "They couldn't do less," we promptly said. "Thanks," responded Orton. "And, by the way, here's another item. Montefiore, Frank Allan, Ralph Levoi, and Richardson have arranged to go equal risks and turn and turn about, in the accident insurance business. No help for it. They say if they didn't they would all be in the soup — no, hang it, I mean the Ocean." A burst of cheering from the Gaiety

came upon us, and we bent our steps in that direction, feeling sure Percy Dix had sprung some fresh surprise upon the public. At the- door we met Percy himself hurrying out with a valise in his hand. "Why, you're missing all the fun!" he said. "As a great personal favour I let the theatre for the night to Dick Seddon and his Ministers, and they're giving thoir supporters a regular Christmas treat all for nothing. By Jove, they're immense. But hurry up, and see for yourself. King Dick is singing 'The Wearing of the Green' for the fifth time, and Ward's to come on next with 'There's Bound to be a Row.' HallJones is down for an exhibition of trick cycling, and Walker and MeGrowan are to oome on as the knock-about comedians. Jimmy Carroll is 'doing' all the niggei business on his own, and Tarn Duncan and Charlie Mills are to perform on the su mgine; trapeze. The grand finale is to be a Maori haka, for which Carroll has been training; his colleagues for some time." "But where are vou off to are von not managing the show 0 " 'Oh, dear, no Fred. Pirani is staee manager, and every thing else. As for me, I'm carol sineing to-night Joinod St Paul's choir, you know, and

we're going round the town by and bye with Robert Paiker and Maughan Barnett, and a portable harmonium. I'm bringing Church and Stage close together, all right— Claude Whaite takes a class in the Sunday school for the first time next Sunday." And, quite out of breath, Percy rushed off We went up the stairs, and found the theatre crammed to excess. The Cabinet Ministers, in fancy costumes, were seated in the usual Gaiety circle upon the stage. Civil servants filled the lower part of the house , the circle was packed with the general public. King Dick was just finishing his "'turn." He was got up as a stage Irishman, with knee breeches, and a long frieze coat, and a clay pipe was stuck in the band of the battered caubeen which crowned his head He held 'a bit av a shtick' in his right hand, and was putting all the brogue and all the emotion he could command into the closing lines of 'The Wearing of the Green "

The song ceased, the audience started to yell, and to hammer, and to pound the floor and the benches for an encore. It was a deafening clamour— the people seemed to be right off their heads. Suddenly we heard a great crash in front of us, and then "Wake up. sir. wake up. It's clos-ing-un time, and the hands are all gone. Didn't know what was the matter. Got no answer to my knocking on the door, and so had to force it." It was the printer speaking. Great Scott I it was merely a dream, after all. Santa Claus was nowhere to be seen, we were sitting in our office ohair, and all the familiar objects of everyday use were •bout us. It was not even night— for the paling light of declining afternoon filled the room. Yes, there could be no doubt about it. We must have been sound asleep, and our trip round the town was made in fanov alone.