Town Talk

Free Lance, Volume II, Issue 76, 14 December 1901, Page 22

Town Talk

— -That the chuich which has introduced young, beauteous, and female ushers and plate bearers has increased its congregation 15 per cent — That colonial singers are m> popular at Home at present that it is hoped a general exodus of people who believe they have "voices" wiLl take place — That a Temuka lady, who received £2 as a birthday present, invested it, on the advice of her husband, m Tattersail's sweep. She diew two horses and £260. — That, at Waitaia, a man was fined £3 for challenging a policeman to fight He explained that it was the only way to get a policeman near a fight. — That, accoiding to a looal scribe, Hooliganism must surely be a marked feature of the social life 1 of Westland County, for the County Council is calling tenders for a Larrikins' road extension. That the "perfidious English" are starving the Boers to such an extent that two refugees have only saved 2001b floui, 141b sugar, and 121b coffee out of rations supplied to them bv the Government. — That the Gisborne lad\ who answered recently to her 100 th charge of "drunk" cannot be cured bv the usual imprisonment, pi olnbition orders or any ordinary puerile device These cases demand special treatment That the people north of Auckland have "struck oil." The deposit is from the kauri trees, and embryo oil-kings are trying to "float" the product We wonder if the northern cinnabai boomsters are m the "swim." — Tli at the poor little Dukovork is not allowed to rest now It is computed that 1 ton 3cwt 2qrs and 101b of "welcome back" literature has been laid at his tired feet We ai c not responsible for the figures.

— That a new piodigN has been discovered. She is a girl of fourteen who cannot play the piano, and does not try — That an Austialian officer suffering from a 'lump in his throat," has had it lanced. An inch-long piece of a cartridge shell wa& bi ought to light A fii e-eater ' — That it is an open question whether teetotalism "pays." Balclutha owes its drayman (7s a day and a sick family) £40 "For the cause that lacks assistance," etc — That, at a small count iv dance last Tuesday, the secretary outshone himselt bj pasting over the entrance of the hall the notice "No gentlemen admitted unless he oomes himself." — That the intei-bav haibour 'greyhounds," taking part in the races, are hereby requested not to go at such a fearful rate four knots an hour will cau^e accidents or something. — That a 'cute local parson announced from the pulpit an Sunday last that those people who were in debt were not expected to contribute towards the collection. He got a record haul — That a man who took pait in three expeditions m search of the North Pole, and one in search of the South Pole, is now firing m the U.SS Company's Moura He finds it wanner there — That the New Zealand Rugbj Union are sending the light man in Mr. Hyams to represent them in conference with the New South Wales and Queensland Unions on the playing of intercolonial matches — That, according to the ' Times," a Chinaman named Chow Mock has died at the Mount View Asylum from ' general paralysis of the insane." It would be interesting to "isolate" a microbe of tins unique disease. — That the following advertisement recently appeared in the Pelorus Guardian — ' Wanted, a young man to drive malk waggon from Kaituna to dairy factory apply to E Bartlett, Rocky Creek To make matteis more comfortable Mrs Bartlett will drive on wet or unpleasant da-ss." And yet the age of chivalry is o'er' — That a Southern pastoralist, of ad- \ anced socialistic tendencies when arraigned on a charge of "admitting" his neighbour's sheep through a hole in his fence protested that as the neighbour had the greatest number, he was (sociallsticalh) entitled to half. His socialism would have hanged him seventy years ago.

— That a handy method of keeping books has been discovered. Don't lend them. — That you oan always tell the fastidious man by his sending twenty-seven collars and pairs of cuffs to the laundry, accompanied by a solitary shirt. — That rumour is very persistent in stating that Freddy Midlane, the cricketer is leaving shortly for the Commonwealth, to finish himself off as a wielder of the willow. — That Carnegie, the millionaire, has not accepted the invitation from a few Dunedin residents to visit that town and to givp them "advice" re their public institutions. — That an impecunious Melrose husband lecently remarked to the "missus" — ' I wish I knew some nice easy way to make money '" And she replied — "Well, my dear, you might get your life insured and then die'" — That Australians are jealous of their leputation for natural phenomena One "great daily" is proud of the fact that their hailstones kill more people than our earthquakes. — That, of aJI the Chicago editors who reviled "Dr." Dowie in 1896, not one remains — -they have passed away — vide enthusiastic Zionist at Manners-street corner on Sunday night. — -That a belated, obfuscated local resident, who dropped a penny into a P O pillar-box, and then lit a match to consult the supposed dial , is now of the opinion that "things are not what they seem " — That "Auckland Herald" is inquiring anxiously for the "mailed fist," to deal with the question of sacking railway hands. The only things it notices in this connection at present are "itching palms." — That an embittered Auckland resident here explained to a southern visitor that the oft-recurring initials "W W " in the vicinity of our water mains represent "windy Wellington." 'Frisco route ? — That when Mis. Braoher, the lady health lecturer, remarked that the unhealthy boas and fuis by ladies resembled animals' tails, a Gisborne dog trotted up to the platform and barked loudly. Fact' — -That the youngest club in the Cricket Association seems to be ignored when a representative team is being picked. It has at least one player this season better than some of those chosen in the first match, yet he is not given a show. Why is it?

— That a Wilks-street business man, whose daughter "sings," says she is better at rendering lard than rendering solos. — That quite a number of "Eulopeans" assist at the drawing of Chow lotteries in Taranaki-street if all reports are true. Fan-tan is next to opium. — That a North of Auckland paper carefully chronicles the "At Home" of the local scavenger's lady. The scavenger is also a sweep, and has an advertisement. — That the burglarious gentleman who stuck up a clergyman in a Southern town relieved him of several pounds worth of threepenny bits. The police have a clue! — That the invisibleness, at a critical moment, of the knotted fire-escape ropes in the recent fire has suggested a new version of "The Lost C(h)ord" to one of the variety artistes concerned. — That a local lady, who was asked if her son was not too youne: to join the volunteer service, replied that as he intended joining 1 the infantry the age limit was of little consequence. — That, as the country is on the verge of ruin, the bankruptcy return snowing fewer filings than for many years must, of course, be "faked." The growlers must justify themselves somehow. — That Ike Hyams has struck something good m being elected to represent the New Zealand Rugby Union at a conference m Sydney when one of the test cricket matches is in progress. — That a shy young man recently went into Stewart Dawson's to buy a present. "Sweetheart or sister ?" queried the counter gentleman. "Er-why — she hasn't said which she will be yet." — That a West Coast paper "understands" that a Yankee millionaire intends to visit New Zealand, with the intention of "cornering" a few colonial industries. The Undesirable Immigrants' Act wants a new clause. — That a telephone exchange story relates to a well-known Wellingtonian. "Is this Mrs. Smith?" he asked. "No; it's her sister," was the answer. "Well, it's the sister I want." "Oh, this is so .sudden'" he heard her say. And then he rang off. — -That a particularly bald business man, who lumped into a Cuba-street barber's chair the other day with tihe abrupt intimation, "I want a hair-cut," was moved to tears when the sartorial fiend asked, thoughtfully, "Which one, sir?"